Fears

The fear of leaving, and staying in Colombia for so long, is really starting to set in. I dreamt all night that I was so sad I couldn't function. That I was lying alone in a dark place and lying to people I loved to avoid spending time with them. Who dreams about being depressed? I woke up sad, and full of intense fear about my trip.

The biggest fears are:
1) not knowing Spanish. (like, not at all. I can't understand anything people say, its all a big blur of syllables. Even the words I thought I knew make me confused, it's too difficult for me.
2) being fat. Everything I read says Colombians value image highly. This morning I weighed 153 pounds. A really high weight for me, I feel huge and my clothes fit tight. Because I'm fat and ugly no one will like me there and I'll never make any friends. I'll just be the fat american girl.
3) being alone. This is a combination of the first two, being isolated by language and disliked for my appearance.
4) not having any money. I didn't save enough of what I earned in Boston. I spent it all on binge food and now I'm fat and poor.
5) Being a bad teacher.
6) Missing home too much.

Ugly Girl

Negative thoughts keep running through my head. Ugly girl. Stupid bitch. Worthless. I hate living this way. But I am fat and talk too loudly about things I know nothing about. I need to sit quietly and listen, stop eating everything that's bad for me, and quit being such a lazy asshole.

I'm going to Colombia to volunteer because I have nothing else to do with my life. Sometimes I get waves of panic and anxiety about the year I'll spend there. But then I think about what I'd do if I weren't going, and I can't come up with anything. My resume is pitiful and I don't have much going for me skill-wise. And it's not as if I have a killer personality, I'm just sad and small and worthless.