sniff

It's lovely weather these past few days! I went to my town's memorial day parade and had a wonderful time cheering for the veterans and local bands and clubs. It was all so patriotic. It was hot out but I wore long shorts to hide my thighs. I've been wearing short shorts on the days I'm confident, but I could bear it this morning.

The scale is still broken, but I hope soon it will be fixed so I can track my goals and results. I've kept up the good streak of eating partly thanks to a cold that I've come down with. I'm congested and tired and sound awful when I speak. fingers crossed that I get better in time for prom on friday!

Still haven't decided on my hair for prom. And oh by the way... here's my dress:

pictures as promised. please excuse me, though. I have no make-up on because my eyes are so itchy. and my arms... yeah. still fat :/ hopefully my prom pictures turn out okay. I'll show you guys the best ones after prom. With any luck, I'll look good (and boy will make all the pictures better too, he's so handsome)

have a wonderful memorial day and a lovely rest of the week!

xx Jackie

ho hum

I've eaten two, yes two, pints of blueberries in the past three days. but the good news is, that's just about all I've eaten. I've also had about 3 bites of pizza and some apple juice. Some how I've managed to just slip away at meal times and control myself when I'm alone with food.

but that good news aside, it's been a pretty crappy week.

I think I've gained about 10 pounds since the last time I weighed myself. But I can't be sure since the scale is broken. I need to get that fixed. And I just feel so bloated. yuck.

We had three choir concerts this week which means I had to wear my choir dress three nights in a row. It makes me look so fat and I hate it. So on the way home from the concert I had to pull over to let my tears out. I must have looked ridiculous to anyone who saw me, just sitting there crying my eyes out. Then I drove past a mcdonalds and binged on that. I had probably over 1000 calories of pure fat from that horrid restaurant. And then, for the first time, I puked it all up. I've never purged, and I hope I never do again. It was terrible. I drove the long way home, pulled over at a train station that's been closed for years, and puked and cried until I thought it was all out.

I think that's why I've been able to avoid food these past few days, my stomach still sort of aches from the purging. And my throat still hurts from where my finger nails scratched.

This morning I went to the local flea market and bought about $25 dollars worth of sunglasses, mascara, nail polish, hand bags, and jewelry. It's all so cheap! it's great. I just walked around in the hot sun and bartered with the chinese vendors for the knock-off designer items every girl loves. It was a great morning.

But now I'm lying on the floor typing this and hoping that my life is gonna get better. My friends don't get it, and I'm too afraid to talk to my boyfriend. I'm lonely and angry at myself.

Has anyone else felt like since they started losing control of their diets and going the un-safe route they feel stupider? I just feel like since I started restricting and dong the whole pro-ana thing my brain is full of air where I used to have intelligent opinions. My latest theory is that instead of focusing on scholarly things like I used to, all that brain power is being absorbed by calorie counts and consumed by self-hate. I wish I could be me again without having to stop losing weight.  why can't I be thin and smart?

I hope you all had a lovely week, at least a week better than mine. Sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I let blogging slip for a while.

love,

Jackie

finally

It was a good day. thank heavens. I don't think I could have handled another fail. I did two work outs, one 15 minutes and the other 25. I ate a total of 880 calories today, but they were all good calories so I'm proud of myself. So my net today was 395, which rocks.

I bought my prom shoes today and they're pretty high. My date is tall enough that I don't have to worry about being taller than him so I got to pick whichever shoes I wanted. Now I'll be like 5'5 at prom! I can't wait for prom night, it's gonna be super fun :)
I'm just nervous for pictures because my arms are gonna look fat :/

I've been obsessed with reading this tumblr page, but I can't follow it cause it's too ana for my friends to ever see. Some of them feel like a message from a warped twisted world I've never heard of. Others hit me with a pang because I could have written them myself.

much love, 

xx Jax

strawberries are back in season, ladies

I can't restrict anymore. whywhywhywhywhy??? I need to eat healthier and less. And I need to exercise. blehh

Today I went to the symphony with my grandparents. Beethoven's ninth was gorgeous! I have the attention span of a gnat do it was a little challenging for me in that department, but totally worth it. I went to church early this morning so we could go. I had a half of a half of a half a bagel for breakfast and told my dad I ate the whole thing. But he was still on my case about not eating lunch and then trying to avoid dinner. He makes it so hard for me to lose weight without feeling guilty. So I ended up having pizza with my family. shoot me.

And guess what else?! we're all alive! that's right! the rapture was indeed (as expected) a hoax. Boy sent me this cute message at like 5:30 (right before the predicted rapture time) "just in case the rapture bs is real- i <3 you."
oh. em. eff. gee.
he basically said the L word. he is tiptoeing on dangerous ground. cause we've been dating for how long now? like a month? has it even been a month? that's waaaay too fast in my book. if he says it in person I'll make him take it back. I am not ready for that.


We've been kissing ( haha and other stuff but we won't get into that...) a lot in his car. It's totally 17 cliche, but it's also really fun. Mostly it's a way for me to get out of talking. I sound more like the guy in the relationship now. lol. but anyways. the point: I have eyes that tell you exactly what I'm thinking. I wish my eyes were more like mirrors rather than windows. So he can totally tell when I'm thinking about something negative. "what's wrong?" he asks "nothing." I say. "you can tell me, you know" he reminds me "I know" I remind him back. 'I won't hurt you" he says. And then he gives me a look of total sincerity that lets me know I picked a good guy. And I can't stand to tell him anymore than I already have. So I just kiss him. And keep kissing him until both of us forget I was ever upset.

I need to do well this week. I'm going back to my old friend SGD. I need to be 129 by the time my scale is fixed and prom is less than two weeks away. think secret, think healthy, think skinny.

vlog 2

thanks for watching, it got a bit lengthy. lots of love to all of you, pretties.

calorie fail

I ate 1900 calories today. And I only exercised off like 300 of them (yay me for running despite the rain). and it wasn't because I ate a big lunch to make a show so my friends wouldn't bring it up later. it was a stuff-my-face-with-a-bagel-and-cream-cheese-and-orange-juice-and-oreos-and-peanut-butter thing. I have been binging after school to deal with stress for the past 3 days. I hate it so much. I'm going to be a whale when bathing suit season rolls around.

oh and thanks for all the nice comments on the last post. you guys understand me so much better than my school friends. to clear up any confusion, they don't watch me eat, like all eyes on me type of thing but people glance at me more than the normal amount with that expression of 'is she hiding something...?' through the whole lunch period. it's annoying and forces me to actually eat the sandwich, not just tear it up and throw it out.

I need to find things to do after school to distract from stress and boredom eating. maybe I'll join a gym. tell everyone I've decided to be healthy. if only I could find the money.

effff

lots and lots of 'splainin. that's what I've been doing. and I have signs form everywhere telling me to stop. like from my horoscope and my scale broke and my dad telling me I need to pack a bigger lunch and just the universe in general. except, of course, from the mirror. she's still telling me not to eat. and she's the reason I started this in the beginning.

basically, my friends are black mailing me into eating. like, eat lunch or we'll tell your dad on you and get you a lifetime of guilt and embarrassment and a whole lot of therapy sessions. it sucks.

but I can't give this up. I just can't. partly it's the girls here, and partly it's the catharsis of writing without judgement. but most of it is that I need to look better. I need to be thin.

and i need to gain control of my eating. this stress is making me eat so much. plus they're watching me eat lunch now. grrreeaattt

I'm in trouble

Sorry I haven't posted since Tuesday. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. And gaining. gaining sucks.

But  a minor blog-world crisis is under way. I got a text from my friend D on Friday asking if I had another blog. Then he asked if it was a "thinspo blog... like those scary pro-ana things?" I tried to laugh it off and lie but he isn't buying it. he probably found it and is gonna tell some one. great. just grrrreat.
and then things got worse.

I was at the track championships on Friday (and Saturday, it was the last meet of the season unless you do well and continue on to the next level, which of course I didn't. praise the Lord! I am finished track for my whole life! I am so so sooooo happy I never have to even look at another shot ever again.) when D texted me and boy saw the text. Then he asked what that meant. and then I had to explain what pro-ana is and answer questions like  "you have a blog?" I lied and he could tell I was lying. So I told the truth. sort of. I said I used to be ana over the summer but I know better now. And then he was all "you can tell me anything I don't want you to go through this stuff alone" and blah blah blah. yeah right! as if I could tell him "oh yay me, I didn't eat anything today! la di da, and oh by the way I cry when I'm getting dressed some mornings because I hate almost everything about myself."  please. I don't want real life people involved in my diet attempts. I don't want them worrying and I don't want them to stop me. I need to finish this thing, and that's that.

So yeah. If things start looking weird on this blog (or if it disappears), you'll know why.

and thank you everyone here for being so nice. I'm sorry for my disappearance, but I'll try harder in the future to be there for everybody. lots and lots of love!

xx jackie

bathing suit

my bathing suit came in the mail today. barf. I look like a fucking hippo in a tube top. I ordered a tankini from delia's and oh my effing goodness it is being sent back. I hate my stomach and my love handles and my fatty touching thighs. ew ew ew.

I've been having terrible acid reflux the past two days. the good side of this is that I don't eat much when it's kicking in. But being me, I still managed to eat over 1,000 cals today and yesterday. I need to go on starvation diet and do like every work out on the planet if I'm ever going to look half decent this summer.

kill me, please, and do it before bathing suit season.

the labrynth

I wish that food wasn't half of what I think about. I wish that I didn't always have to bite my tongue on the words "I'm sorry". I wish my perception of reality matched up with everybody else. I wish I had another skin tone. I wish enough things that I could choke on them.

Boy said to me when the topic of my step mother briefly came up that he wished he knew me better. as if. I don't want him to know this mess of a person. I can't let him in before I sort myself out. or anyone for that matter. So when he told me with sincerity he wouldn't ever hurt me, I didn't answer. I just kissed him goodnight.

happy mother's day

132.2 this morning. then I ate a bagel. oops.

I've stopped wearing make up. is that strange?

summer's coming

Thanks for all the love on my last post, it was really nice to hear that. Meg, thanks for saying you like my voice. It's one of my biggest fears that my voice sounds like a little kid and no one will like it. This is a big problem for my chosen career path. I want to be a journalist and I aim to be on NPR or another news radio station. I'm in love with the radio and it's my dream to be able to create inspiring and captivating stories over the air ways. so Meg (and everyone else who mentioned it), you really boosted my confidence. thanks :)

So on Thursday I fasted. I think I just need to feel in control again after all the binging. So I did a full on water fast, a feat with the track meet that lasted 8 hours. I felt so much better in the morning though. Friday wasn't as successful, but I don't really mind. I know that when I want to I can take control, and that is a huge comfort.

oh man, I cannot wait for another summer on the river! I live by the river and it's just the best way to spend a hot day- on the rope swing, tubing, jumping off bridges. now I just need that bikini bod... 

I hope you all have a lovely sunny saturday!
Jax

va-va-vlog

vlog post numero uno. sorry I sound a little snow white there at the beginning. and I sorta rambled... but I hope you guys like it.

lots of love!

new shampoo

I got some new shampoo and I love it. it smells like acai berry (i don't know how to do the accents on my computer). yummmm

speaking of yum, I ate a ton of food today. and it was all delicious. well, except for the moment after when I burst into hysterics. the tears weren't so delicious. I need to stop the 1 day binge 3 day restrict cycle. it's making me crazy.

So I'm guess I'll be about 134 tomorrow morning. oh joy.

thanks for all the love on the last post. It means a lot. obviously I've been feeling pretty shitty lately with panic attacks and general self-hatred being the main culprits. so sorry if the title of the last post was harsh, I'm a bitch when I'm upset or tired.

considering a new diet... maybe.

it looks good, but a little hard. I might have to bump up the cals since I'm not strong enough to do it as is. but the timing is perfect. I think it's 30 days til prom. so if I followed this I might be able to get down to 125 by June 3 (prom night). hmmm. we'll see.

sorry i was gone so long, not that anyone missed me

I've been terrible these past few days. I can't go half an hour without thinking about how absolutely disgusting and loathsome I am. It makes me cry. I sit, surrounded by people who care about me, feeling completely alone. Even when I'm happy I have it in the back of my head that the happiness is fleeting. It seems like all I can think about is what a disappointment I must be. And how much I miss my mother. Everything that hurts me seems to be connected.

With boy, I only want to apologize all the time. He touches my waist and I just want to say "sorry I'm so fat" and he kisses my forehead and the first thought that jumps to mind is "sorry my face is so ugly". His best friend is this girl Lauren who recently has been treating him like crap. She uses him as like a combo big brother and shrink. He was really upset over something she did today and I told him I'll try never to be that high maintenance. He told me I'm hardly high maintenance but then again he's only getting to know me. Oh if he did know me. If he only knew about the manic depression and the self-hatred, the suicide attempts and the eating disorder, the history of verbal abuse and self-destructive behavior. If he only knew. He deserves better than me.

On the up side, the constant self hatred that's been berating me is making me eat less. I'm back down to 132. I've been getting a net of about 200 for the past 4 days, which is really good for me. I just need to keep it up so I can be 125 for prom in a month.