Restrict

For the first time in like forever I'm managing to restrict. I'm not the healthiest but I am managing to eat a lot less than I have been this summer.

On the 25th I weighed 146.6 and I had a net intake of 1,651
26th- 145.4 net 1522
27th- 144.8 net 1,101
28th- 144.2 net 964

And then a miracle happened. I woke up this morning to 141.4, lower than I've seen in weeks and almost 3 pounds less than yesterday. I know this could just be a fluke but I'm hopeful it's a kickstart towards real loss. I had a strawberry and yogurt smoothie and a bagel with cream cheese for lunch and a slice of my dad's banana bread around 8pm, thats all for the day. Today I'm restricting again.
so far-
v8 juice and a nectarine (122)
chicken, mushroom, spinach sandwich (I picked at it and left most of the bread) (340)
pop chips (100)
diet tea (0)

I think I'm going to have another smoothie now since I'm getting hungry and I don't want to binge. But I'm counting yesterday as the first binge-free day and I'll try and see how long I can go before I crack.

Imagine if I really was going to start losing again? I could maybe reach 136 for the first time since October 2011. That's one of my big benchmarks since it's the highest weight for the "healthy" bmi range. yeah. I'm a fat loser, I know. and it's all about being one step closer to 121 by my 21st birthday. if I get there early, I'll aim lower, but that's the plan for now.

Send me good energy, I need this.

20

It was my birthday yesterday, and I was 146 pounds. Last year I was 154, so at least I weigh a little less than last year. Still. That's really sad that I only lost 8 pounds. I need to be pretty and thin on my 21st birthday. When people take pictures of me with my first legal beer in a bar, I want to be wearing a sleeveless dress and have beautiful thin arms. I don't want to have to hold in my stomach in all those pictures of me with a 21 birthday crown.

I had a nice birthday, though. My Dad took me out to breakfast at this secret restaurant in town. You actually need a key to get in, and my Dad got me my own copy of the key for my birthday. How sweet! He also bought me a blender that comes with smoothie travel cups. That is going to be so useful for making low-cal filling meals for school. Whenever I have smoothies, they always make me really full which is nice. They have more calories than just like an apple or something, but they're filling and actually feel like a meal. Maybe I'll make a smoothie diet plan.

The big goal I want to make for this year is definitely to stop binging. I know I always talk about it, but I want that aspect of my life gone forever. I need to stop giving the finger to my health and happiness whenever I see chips or a bagel store. I'm worth more than a brownie when I'm high. Of course, I'd also like to weigh less. How poetic does a goal of 121 sound for a 21st birthday? That would mean losing 25 pounds, which in a year is totally doable. Of course, I've never managed it before, but I'll try even harder this time.

Is there actually something wrong with me or am I dramatic and average?

I remember once in my first semester of university I had a terrible binge day. I walked to get a bagel from the on campus cafe. I ate it and immediately wanted more. I was too embarrassed to buy another so I walked two blocks to a bagel shop. The store was closed so I walked back to campus and then another 3 blocks in the other direction. I went to a different bagel store and bought 2 bagels and ate them in under 5 minutes even though I had gotten a different order than I'd asked for and didn't even like salt bagels. I then walked back to my dorm room and ate a full bag of chips. Then I cried and berated myself and looked at thinspo. I took around 10 laxatives and went to sleep early. The next day I felt terrible and slept and watched movies and vowed never to binge again. That afternoon I ate a full bag of gold fish crackers, 3 granola bars, and a full bag of gummy bears.

I think those were some of the worst days of my life. I wish I could say I've gotten better, but I haven't.

do what you want

I miss working out. I hate starting and taking time from whatever else I'm doing, but I love how accomplished I feel when I do it consistently. I hate restricting what I eat, but I do like exercising. Pushing myself is kind of fun.

less than

It's been a really crushing day. I went to the beach for the first time this summer with my family and wore a bikini. I looked so bad in it, and my skinny health freak aunt and anorexic cousin were judging me. Then we all ate cinnamon buns for lunch (my aunt's big splurge of the week, and she only had half) and I felt like everyone was watching to see how much the fattest girl in the family would have.

Then we drove home to go to a family friend's going away party. Her uncle sat next to me at the "adult" table and condescendingly talked to me like I was some kind of free loading idiot. He asked about my new apartment and then made a comment to my dad about how much he was spending for it. I said it was actually cheaper than a dorm, and he asked me if I knew you had to pay for HBO. I was seething. Of course I know you have to pay for premium tv channels and I have never subscribed to them in my life, I'm not a spoiled brat who just expects everything. Then we were talking about reading books and I said I'd actually read a lot this summer. He then made some remark about me taking advantage of my dad's credit card to buy things off the internet. Um, no. I use my own money to buy the things I want and I'm sorry I'm completely financially independent by age 19. I hate people who talk down to those younger than them, it's like he doesn't realize I have thoughts or feelings just because I'm not 30 and married like him.

I got an exit from the party in order to drop off my brother for a camping trip with his friends. They're sleeping all together on this island on our river before they all move into their college dorms at the end of the week. Listening to them talk about all the people that would be there and all the booze and adventure I was so flattened. I was jealous of their friendship, and how my brother turned out cool and I turned out to be the fat emotional older sister who thinks she's cool because she occasionally drinks with her sorority sisters. He's always been better than me, but soon without the barrier of college and high school everyone will be able to see it so much more clearly.

There are so many reasons I'll never be happy or successful, but I feel like today I was reminded by a lot of them all at once. I'm sure tomorrow will only be worse. 

I'm getting really anxious

Let's face it. My one goal this summer was to get under 130 and I failed. I only have two weeks left before school starts and I've gained weight this summer. I started at 143, was briefly 138 and now I'm at a startling 146.6. I am so ashamed of myself.

Also I'm starting to think kind irrationally. Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about colonics and whether it would help me lose weight. ew.

down

I spent all day binging today. I ate 3 small chocolate chip pancakes with nutella and ice tea for breakfast, and then half a bag of chips and some chocolate candies all day. I was so bloated from all I ate and all the water I drank that I couldn't eat the delicious and nutritious dinner my dad made for our family. I make me sick. I only wish literally, then all this shit would be out of me.

I think I'm gonna go take a lot of laxies now.