Left out

There's this recurring pattern in my life. Maybe it's not a pattern, just a phenomenon that happens all the time but through my melodramatic lens looks like one. Anyway, there's this thing that happens when I feel like I'm finally confident in a group of friends and then all of the sudden I start feeling really left out. This happened in high school, and then again a few months after I joined the sorority. It's like as soon as I'm confident that I can trust them not to forget me, I start getting left out of everything again. I'm not invited to go out anymore, no one asks me to do things with them.

I found my group, my people, in my roommates this year. We became really close since we moved in together and lately we'd been talking a bunch about getting tattoos together. I know, I know. Friendship tattoos are kinda dumb. But whatever, it was sweet. And then yesterday a bunch of them went on a girls trip out of the city without me. My best friend didn't even bother to invite me. And then they all came home with tattoos.

I feel so juvenile to cry over this. I feel so left out and unimportant. We were all supposed to do this together, it was going to be special. Instead, while they were out having fun, I was alone at home doing nothing but watching Grey's and binging and purging. I've purged a lot the last few days. I just feel so let down by everyone in my life. Sometimes I just really want to lay down and give up, a lot of days I can't seem to figure out the point of living. And it doesn't help that I realize how stupid all these emotions are, how immature I'm acting.

June update

Only two more weeks until these summer classes are over. Thank goodness. They've been really difficult, and I'm feeling the desperate lazy crush of depression coming back again. I really don't know how other people do this. The whole living thing, the whole 'being an adult' thing. It sucks.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist, he's a cool guy. He put me on an anti-depressant, but so far not much has changed. Still the same sadness, still the same amount of purging. I must say though, my out look on the purging has changed. It's not a mental thing, or an emotional thing, despite what therapy and "experts" online have told me. It's a habit, a bad habit, but a habit nonetheless. And that doesn't mean it's going to be easy to stop, but I don't think I have to work out all this emotional bullshit in order to stop binging and purging.

Summer is here (finally) and that's made me a lot happier, I must say. Today I biked 12 miles and I feel really good about that. Biking always makes me feel free and accomplished. I like the trails and the peace of it. I want to try to bike from my home here in Boston to Cape Cod this summer. It's 70 miles, but I think I could do it in a day as long as I start early in the morning.