well....

i didn't gain at least. i guess that's okay

or at least i wish it was okay.

but really,

I'll be back friday night

and I decided not to talk about the biggest thing on my mind. I don't like crying in front of people. so yeah :/

"why can't you just be normal?"

because it's not all that fucking simple! 

because looking in the mirror has never been for me what it is for other people. because I don't see food anymore, I see numbers. because if I stop now, I'll always be as ugly as I am right now. because it's the only thing I have total control over at the moment. because I've always had this problem. because I don't really even know what normal is.

Boy is getting under my skin. It kills me that I'm falling for him. And I know he thinks he loves me, but he doesn't know what that means. I don't know if I know what love means. 

He got so mad at me yesterday when I lied about food and he caught the lie. I ate nothing at a party we went to then we met up with another group in town at a pizza place and I said I already ate at the party. So in the car he asked me why I lied and I said that I just didn't want to eat. And he freaked and I shut down. and then he got all stormy and said for the zillionth time that he wished I would trust him. and so we talked and I already regret every word, just like I knew I would. I don't know why I let him do this to me. and then after a long beat of silence he asked "why can't you just be normal?" and I didn't answer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remembered I never posted prom pictures! so here are some:

 My arms look so incredibly fat. yuck. and sorry for picture quality. some of them weren't converting right. thank you girls for always being there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you!

i bought a scale

and i'm still the same weight as what i was on the old scale. yessss!!!!! i thought i  gained.

now all this graduation cake needs to leave the house.

message from the past

I received a letter from my eighth grade self today. It was really sad. I sound the same, basically. I hated myself and said I was paranoid about people only feeling sorry for me. I talked so much about how ugly I was. I mean, I was ugly, but reading that broke my heart. I feel so bad for 13-year-old jackie.

I hope when I look back 4 years from now, when I'm graduating college, I won't still be the same. I hope I will have tackled these problems and moved on. I want to be happy in 4 years.

this weight issue has been going on for far too long. I need to fix it so I can just be happy and not that same sad little girl.

 I graduate tomorrow. wow.

Waterfall

I've been eating. honestly, it's become a chore instead of a compulsion to count my calories lately. And I'm gaining. but I think that's because the happy moments are out numbering the sad ones. And I've been known to forget what I'm eating when I'm happy. I need to at least maintain and hopefully lose.

I think I'm gonna do a more realistic SGD. it'll be what's planned plus 500. (so for example, today I'm eating 900) And I'll count the fruit/veggie calories. I know some of you girls are having calorie heart attacks reading that, but I know myself and I know that I can't handle a full on SGD cycle right now. I've done it before (with a few slip ups) and I know how difficult it is. But I like the structure and the familiarity so I'm going back to ol' faithful

It's been warm enough these past few days to start swimming in the river again. I love it! my body is not bathing suit ready, but I'm having too much fun to stop and hide myself. So I swim. And I'm having a great time. Problem is, there is a snake who has decided that my favorite spot by the waterfall is now his favorite spot by the waterfall. I hate snakes, so it's a shame that we have similar taste in lovely places to lay out and catch the sun rays.

have an superb week errybody!

Empty

I feel unstable. like at any moment my bones are going to crumble and I'll just be a puddle on the floor. I let things go too far and now... now, I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly empty, but also like I might disintegrate. But then again, I feel like I'm swimming in thoughts and images. I guess mostly I'm confused.

I let things go too far with my boyfriend last night. I knew I shouldn't have. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. I thought things would be okay. But everything is not okay. It got to this point, with hormones and lust and nakedness and suddenly I was cold instead of overheating and shaking because I was so scared. And he looked at me with those eyes and I stopped for a moment and it was okay for a tiny instant. so we kept going. But instants like that one that make things okay, they are here and then not here oh so quickly. And then I was wiggling my way out from under him and getting away as quick as I could.

He had to drive me home, and I didn't cry. We talked and he was so sorry. "I care about you." "I don't want to hurt you." blah blah blah. It didn't matter what he said, it was all just words. And what had gone wrong, that wasn't words at all. I had let him take more than I wanted to give.

I could have stopped it, but I didn't, and that made me just as upset. So I called him an hour later once I had collected myself and told him I was sorry. I told him it was my fault and that I wasn't mature enough to handle this yet. Which is true. But what I had wanted to say was: "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

What sucks though is that I really like him, too. So I can't let him go like that. I need to keep him around, even if only until summer ends. And today I go to camp, another adventure. A way to get away from all of this and feel good about giving back. I hope camp can heal this. I hope it can take away the echoing emptiness of last night's mistakes and fill me up with strength. I need God right now.

Welcome Home

We're getting close to the end, my dears. I graduate high school on thursday (wow, that sounds weird) and my last day of classes was yesterday. I'm amazed. And all this celebration food is making me fat.

Boy was away for a whole week for this Naval Academy summer program thing and I missed him a lot more than I thought I would. So when I finally did see him yesterday, things got a little carried away. Somehow in the moment, I let my shirt come off and didn't stop his fingers from fumbling with my bra. But then I was there, in just jean shorts realizing I wasn't good enough for him. I'm still flabby and gross.

He calls me beautiful. And in that horrible vulnerable place, he said it again and I couldn't feign confidence well enough to just smile and say something witty. Instead I swallowed and tried to say "thank you" but my voice broke. Then suddenly he's trying to tell me why I'm so 'perfect' and I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped at him to stop and looked away so he wouldn't see my tears or notice how my hands were shaking.

But being a boy he has that way of pulling me close and so softly letting me know it's okay. He was talking about how he wished I could love myself. I was wishing silently not to fall for him. Otherwise it's gonna be too hard to say goodbye.

I need to get over this self hatred. I need to be able to find confidence even though I'm not what I expect from myself. And I do need to lose this weight. but I'm not sure this binge/starve method is the right one anymore. Counting calories is making my head spin.

guilty

sorry for that uber long rant yesterday. I just needed to say everything all at once I think.

today was terrible on calories. I had well over 2,000, the worst in a long time. I started crying over it and then went for a teary bike ride and did 20 minutes of cardio after that. I think I'll do weights in the morning. And I'm doing a 300 calorie tuesday. I need to believe I can turn this around so days like this don't kill me.

bathing suit season has come and I still don't have the body I was wishing for. I hope I can have it by the time I have to make my skinny first impressions on my first day of school in september. and I want at least one day on the beach of not feeling like a whale :/

I need to think happier.

I have a lot to say

... so skim if you get tired of me.
anyway.

Prom... it was exactly what I expected. I looked nice, but not as nice as I wished I could have looked. Boy looked sharp in his tux. and my grandmother cried as I kissed her goodbye to go to the prom. Then when we got there, I ate just a little bit and danced until my hairline was sweaty. It was a lot of fun, and boy kept looking at me the way I always wanted someone to look at me.

At the end of the night when I kissed him for the last time of the evening, he looked at me right in the eyes and I could tell he wanted to say those words. I'm glad he didn't but I'm also so glad to know it's there. He told me how beautiful I looked all night, but in the last moment when he looked at me like that I could believe that he meant it.

He, being a character straight out of a romance novel, has a summer training thing for the Naval Academy this week so he couldn't go to the after party. But I went with my friends and it was... well, it was something. When we arrived the hostess's mother took all our car keys and then we got changed and went out to the bonfire. Then when everyone was sure her parents were asleep, the alcohol came out. Couples were having sex, random people were smoking, and everyone was drinking. I only had half a mixer, but some people got completely smashed. It was kinda gross. I was sitting with this other guy who wasn't really drinking either and we had a good time laughing at the stupid drunk people and the obnoxious smokers.

I think I didn't drink because boy was so nervous about me getting into trouble. He texted me to be careful. 'I care about you' it said. I think he's under the false impression that guys are interested in me and would take advantage of me drunk. yeah right. no one wants this, so he doesn't need to worry. But I didn't drink anyway because I didn't want to do anything stupid or embarrassing. plus, alcohol and soda have too many calories :P

When I woke up in the morning after about 3 hours of sleep, it was cold and I was sore from the hard ground. I went home and slept another 5 hours and ate nothing. I just wasn't hungry. I don't know why but I was feeling really sad. So I drove down to the out lets and walked around for two hours, just browsing the stores. I didn't spend a dollar. Then I went to the movies and saw brides maids. It was really funny but for some reason I cried through the second half. I don't even know why, I just felt so terrible. the movie wasn't even that sad. I mean, it was a little sad at one part, but enough for me to cry normally. But I was sobbing, trying not to make any noise.

How sad is that? a girl alone at a movie, crying her eyes out for no reason. then after the movie I drove home to an empty house and cried alone in my bed for an hour until I fell asleep.

today I ate two blueberry muffins while watching Funny Girl (yeah, I'm kinda pathetic). and I'm going to my senior choir dinner tonight, so more food. I wish I could be thin. But I'm not motivated enough to do anything but cry and sleep. I didn't even go to church. I need to get better, I need to tell someone about these rehabilitating mood swings and my binge eating/starving problem. I need to fix myself. but right now I'm not sure how to do that. I don't even know if I want to.