I am a pretty terrible person. I showed up at near eleven for Audrey's party with nothing but a dumb card and a meager gift card. It was pathetic and I looked like a complete asshole next to what M and A and everyone got for her. Then I proceeded to act like a jerk. I kept thinking of horrible self centered things and not saying most of them. What kind of a person have I become if I can't carry a conversation unless it relates to me? I'm horrible.
Then at one point M and V and I went to the kitchen to get water and I said horrible bitter things about A's family. I was just so mad that she is so well off and I can't afford college. I couldn't see their faces but I'm sure they pretty much hated me for being such an asshole.
I don't fit in with them anymore. All the time I spend with them I feel stupid and left out and angry and annoyed. I'm not an honors student and I'm mean. I don't give a shit about the kids who get sick at our school, I don't believe in God anymore and I knowingly bash my friends who do, I am a just awful when I'm around them. I have a different mindset about the world and harsh judgments and I curse tons more than they do and I have a much lower moral code. Where the rules mean everything to them, I don't really care anymore. Frankly, it's annoying to be around them.
I know they care. Problem is, I can't understand caring and love right now enough that it matters to me. I'm harsh and rough edged lately, selfish and out of control.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Pumpkin Head Strikes Back
We went for all you can eat pizza at a cafe near my house. It was just me and the fam. We were having a really good time eating pizza and pasta and stuff and just joking when it happened. E and her sons walked in the door. bum bum bum!! it was shocking and eerie and frightening. All through the meal I sat there afraid. then we went out and I guess she spotted us, or maybe just C, but she yelled "hey! hey! aren't you going to come say hi?" I had a rush of pure panic and adrenaline. I bolted back into the restaurant and grabbed my dad's keys and then quickly walked to the car. I started shaking and panicking. I then texted Anna for some help but it didn't calm me down at all. Then i drove with my siblings in the car for the first time and they were freaking out and then i got more nervous and then it was just awful. I calmed down a bit but now as I write this I feel panic again.
I thought I could get over this. I thought I wasn't afraid of her anymore. but I'm so terrified. I could run so fast right now. I have so much adrenaline and panic. I keep saying panic but I have no better word. my hands go numb and my heart beats really fast and I get nervous and jumpy. I need to stop writing and calm down.
I thought I could get over this. I thought I wasn't afraid of her anymore. but I'm so terrified. I could run so fast right now. I have so much adrenaline and panic. I keep saying panic but I have no better word. my hands go numb and my heart beats really fast and I get nervous and jumpy. I need to stop writing and calm down.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Blood Relation
My family- a love hate relationship. My motto for them is that they are murdering me slowly. Last week I had to fake cramps to get away from my grandmother and next week my Dad wants to extend my visit to American University into a family sight-seeing trip. gag me. I love them to bits, but at times I want to smash them to bits. Ca and I almost constantly fight, but in the occasional moment of calm she's still extremely annoying. I think it's the age difference. Four years is the perfect amount for endless bickering. Ch and I are only 18 months apart, so we fight occasionally but mostly we get along well. I'll miss him while I'm away at school. I think I might miss Ca too. By the time I'm in college she'll have mellowed out a bit and then we might be able to get along. hopefully. Families are messy but at least they will always be there for you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Pink Sparkles and Flowers
I'm a girl. And being girly shouldn't be an issue... but it is. Don't get me wrong- I love wearing dresses, my nails are currently a barbie shade of pink glitter, I secretly am in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and my top drawer contains only make-up, hair clips, and tampons. But I don't really want to be the girl in a relationship. I love being held and I love being the dainty short one but I hate being paid for and worrying about weather or not he'll give me flowers or like my dress. the reason I hate being girly about relationship stuff is that I don't want to be that stereotype. the nagging, annoying, "let's talk" kind of girl. How do I get what I want without being such a, well, girl?
the other thing is, dear universe, is that V has never once told me that I look pretty, let alone beautiful. I know that it isn't true but I really wish he would lie to me. Spin me a nice romantic lie. Or maybe get me some flowers. I don't want a bouquet of roses, but when we're walking along, he might be the one that picks a wild daisy for me instead of D. I know that every relationship is different, but would it kill him to say or do even a tiny nice thing? I'm not going to say anything, but I'm going to start maybe acting a bit more girly around him to get him to notice. But Lord help him if he forgets my birthday!
the other thing is, dear universe, is that V has never once told me that I look pretty, let alone beautiful. I know that it isn't true but I really wish he would lie to me. Spin me a nice romantic lie. Or maybe get me some flowers. I don't want a bouquet of roses, but when we're walking along, he might be the one that picks a wild daisy for me instead of D. I know that every relationship is different, but would it kill him to say or do even a tiny nice thing? I'm not going to say anything, but I'm going to start maybe acting a bit more girly around him to get him to notice. But Lord help him if he forgets my birthday!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Blurrr
yesterday today tomorrow
last week this week next week
then now when
day to dusk
night to dawn
Its that time of year again. That time in July when all the days blur into one long day. It's still painful even though it's supposed to be fun in the sun. sunburns and heartburn and a persistent sore throat. heh heh hem. I'm so lonesome all the time, even when I'm surrounded. I know that the end of the day is coming soon so I start feeling lonely ahead of time. I live for the phone to ring and read even spam emails now. my room is spotless and I'm running out of things to do to it. I haven't started my summer reading, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is sitting on the end of the bed. At least Vishwa will be home tomorrow.
I hate waiting for him. I hate it. I wish I could just not think of him at all and he would just be another person to be around like before. God it's sickening! it's exactly how it was with M before. I would hang on his every word and every tiny gesture and action was mauled over and squeezed thoroughly for some meaning. Now every word spoken and unspoken has momentous weight. I hate that so much. I want to go back to the spring when I could dreamily crush on random boys and none of it would mean much at all.
I can't remember how long it's been since I swallowed all those pills. A week? Two? I could just read back through the blog posts, but just using my mental calender I can't work it out. These last three weeks are a blur, a hazy depression filled fog. All this cloudiness is making me sick.
last week this week next week
then now when
day to dusk
night to dawn
Its that time of year again. That time in July when all the days blur into one long day. It's still painful even though it's supposed to be fun in the sun. sunburns and heartburn and a persistent sore throat. heh heh hem. I'm so lonesome all the time, even when I'm surrounded. I know that the end of the day is coming soon so I start feeling lonely ahead of time. I live for the phone to ring and read even spam emails now. my room is spotless and I'm running out of things to do to it. I haven't started my summer reading, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is sitting on the end of the bed. At least Vishwa will be home tomorrow.
I hate waiting for him. I hate it. I wish I could just not think of him at all and he would just be another person to be around like before. God it's sickening! it's exactly how it was with M before. I would hang on his every word and every tiny gesture and action was mauled over and squeezed thoroughly for some meaning. Now every word spoken and unspoken has momentous weight. I hate that so much. I want to go back to the spring when I could dreamily crush on random boys and none of it would mean much at all.
I can't remember how long it's been since I swallowed all those pills. A week? Two? I could just read back through the blog posts, but just using my mental calender I can't work it out. These last three weeks are a blur, a hazy depression filled fog. All this cloudiness is making me sick.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Sunshine
1..2..3.. Jump!
I jumped off a bridge and a lock into the canal today. C and V and I biked there from town. In total we biked 8.7 miles, which is sort of a lot if you think about it. When we got to the bridge we ran into this kid named Josh in my brother's class. He was 16 but he says he's been smoking since he was 12, a pack a day which just isn't right. He was crazy too, when we jumped off the locks he almost hit the concrete wall. And he pushed me off the bridge. I really wish C or V would have pushed him after that, but they didn't. Humph.
But over all a wonderful day. I finally got to spend time with V and it was wonderful. wonderfully wonderful. There were hardly any clouds (I have a nice sunburn as proof) and the river was lovely. I got to kiss him a whole bunch and he held my hand when we jumped off the bridge.
Okay so midway through writing that P finally called me back. So I had a nice conversation. Somehow we got on the subjeft of truth and lies and I had to tell him that I was lying to him about something, that I did have a secret. And that of course was that I have this blog. I couldn't possibly risk letting him find and read this because there is so much about him and things I don't want him to hear. But admitting I have secrets from him gives him more room to keep them from me. Given the horrible things he says in our more deep conversations, I dont want him to keep lots of secrets. He needs to find a shoulder to lean on, and I can only pray that he chooses mine.
I jumped off a bridge and a lock into the canal today. C and V and I biked there from town. In total we biked 8.7 miles, which is sort of a lot if you think about it. When we got to the bridge we ran into this kid named Josh in my brother's class. He was 16 but he says he's been smoking since he was 12, a pack a day which just isn't right. He was crazy too, when we jumped off the locks he almost hit the concrete wall. And he pushed me off the bridge. I really wish C or V would have pushed him after that, but they didn't. Humph.
But over all a wonderful day. I finally got to spend time with V and it was wonderful. wonderfully wonderful. There were hardly any clouds (I have a nice sunburn as proof) and the river was lovely. I got to kiss him a whole bunch and he held my hand when we jumped off the bridge.
Okay so midway through writing that P finally called me back. So I had a nice conversation. Somehow we got on the subjeft of truth and lies and I had to tell him that I was lying to him about something, that I did have a secret. And that of course was that I have this blog. I couldn't possibly risk letting him find and read this because there is so much about him and things I don't want him to hear. But admitting I have secrets from him gives him more room to keep them from me. Given the horrible things he says in our more deep conversations, I dont want him to keep lots of secrets. He needs to find a shoulder to lean on, and I can only pray that he chooses mine.
Friday, July 9, 2010
What's Wrong Baby?
I woke up at noon and then proceeded to watch TV all day. I cleaned my room and took a shower, but other than that I mainly just watched TV. Well, and I ate junk food. I didn't have one meal all day but i had an ice pop and chips and cereal and orange juice and some cookies. It was kind of disgusting. And then before bed I took another 4 advil. Then coincidentally I was talking to Anna (only reader of my blog since D doesn't anymore) (hi Anna!) and she was all 'I'm gonna tell and do the right thing". And then I called P later to talk and I told him I was feeling sick and then ended up somehow saying that I took too much advil and that's probably why my stomach hurts. He started counting and he said if I didn't tell the truth about how much I took he would call poison control. So I told him. But I should have lied. So now both of them think I'm going to die any day now. wonderful.
P worries me so much. But I still love him. We talked until almost 2 am this morning. Near the end he got all truthful and open. Which is heart breaking. After we hung up I laid on the patio for fifteen minutes and then went to bed. I woke up at 5:08, checked what time the sun rises (5:38) and then changed into jeans and went outside. thinking the view of the sunrise would be better, I went to Peddler's to watch it. It was spooky quiet that early in the morning. But it was such a great feeling to be alone with all the shops. I came home at about six fifteen and made a cup of tea. It was too sweet so I threw it out, but the warmth was nice. I felt so sick when I woke up, worse than yesterday. My stomach hurts more and my headache is worse. I would take some advil, but that might be the cause of the problem. I don't think getting two and half hours of sleep really helps all that much either.
By writing here and telling P I'm crying out for help. But I don't want professional help. I just want attention. I think being alone here is an extension of my fear and loneliness at hillside. Everyone's gone this summer and I'm frozen in fear and inability and confusion to this spot where I'm losing brain cells by the handful. I cannot survive like this. And at the rate I'm going, I might not.
P worries me so much. But I still love him. We talked until almost 2 am this morning. Near the end he got all truthful and open. Which is heart breaking. After we hung up I laid on the patio for fifteen minutes and then went to bed. I woke up at 5:08, checked what time the sun rises (5:38) and then changed into jeans and went outside. thinking the view of the sunrise would be better, I went to Peddler's to watch it. It was spooky quiet that early in the morning. But it was such a great feeling to be alone with all the shops. I came home at about six fifteen and made a cup of tea. It was too sweet so I threw it out, but the warmth was nice. I felt so sick when I woke up, worse than yesterday. My stomach hurts more and my headache is worse. I would take some advil, but that might be the cause of the problem. I don't think getting two and half hours of sleep really helps all that much either.
By writing here and telling P I'm crying out for help. But I don't want professional help. I just want attention. I think being alone here is an extension of my fear and loneliness at hillside. Everyone's gone this summer and I'm frozen in fear and inability and confusion to this spot where I'm losing brain cells by the handful. I cannot survive like this. And at the rate I'm going, I might not.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Cafe's and Diners
I ate at Fred's Breakfast for the first time this morning with Kimmi and Morgan. Then I hung out at the coffee shop in Peddlers (for only 5 and half hours) with Kimmi. Then I chilled at home for a while. Then I went to the Eagle Diner with Vishwa, Richie, Meghan, and Olivia. it's cafe's and diners today!
I was so happy to see Vishwa, but Meghan made me so mad. she is so mean to me =( I didn't kiss him but I should have. I really did miss him but I didn't show it. I forgot how much I like just being around him. Just sitting within a few feet made me so much happier.
And I needed it after the past few days. I've been feeling so sad. it's like a constant depression that I can't shake. I can feel it now too, but for the two hours with him it was alleviated. I took 5 advil yesterday hoping the pain would go away, but it didn't. I know it sounds stupid to say, but when I was swallowing them it felt logical. I don't want to die but a coma might be nice.
I was talking to Prateek and he told me he had a nightmare about me. that I would call him and tell him that I'm going to do it and then he is driving over to save me and then I say over the phone that I'm doing it and then the phone goes dead and then he wakes up. I feel so bad for giving him nightmares. But I guess it's true. I would call him last. I love him and trust him so much. But I can't see him all the time since he's so far. at least I can call him to chat for hours =) I just hate to talk about my problems when he sounds so happy. so I don't. not as much anyways.
I just can't wait for things to get better. they have to someday.
I was so happy to see Vishwa, but Meghan made me so mad. she is so mean to me =( I didn't kiss him but I should have. I really did miss him but I didn't show it. I forgot how much I like just being around him. Just sitting within a few feet made me so much happier.
And I needed it after the past few days. I've been feeling so sad. it's like a constant depression that I can't shake. I can feel it now too, but for the two hours with him it was alleviated. I took 5 advil yesterday hoping the pain would go away, but it didn't. I know it sounds stupid to say, but when I was swallowing them it felt logical. I don't want to die but a coma might be nice.
I was talking to Prateek and he told me he had a nightmare about me. that I would call him and tell him that I'm going to do it and then he is driving over to save me and then I say over the phone that I'm doing it and then the phone goes dead and then he wakes up. I feel so bad for giving him nightmares. But I guess it's true. I would call him last. I love him and trust him so much. But I can't see him all the time since he's so far. at least I can call him to chat for hours =) I just hate to talk about my problems when he sounds so happy. so I don't. not as much anyways.
I just can't wait for things to get better. they have to someday.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Poke-a-Nose
Like the title? Vishwa inspired me. I'm in the pocono's with my family and some family friends. We went white water rafting and to the lake but I'm still dreaming of home. I really want to go to New Hope and see Vishwa. I miss him.
Camp 2010 is finally over. It was draining but fun. I loved all the kids even when they were bad. It was hard to really dislike them the way you can dislike regular people. I love kids. Out loud I was wishing it to be over since I was so tired, but a voice in my head kept telling me to soak it in, it would be the best thing in my life for a while.
Somehow amidst all the craziness of the kids I found time to feel ugly and depressed. I knew that I needed to focus on them but my mind was on my thighs and double chin instead. I can't live like this much longer.
Camp 2010 is finally over. It was draining but fun. I loved all the kids even when they were bad. It was hard to really dislike them the way you can dislike regular people. I love kids. Out loud I was wishing it to be over since I was so tired, but a voice in my head kept telling me to soak it in, it would be the best thing in my life for a while.
Somehow amidst all the craziness of the kids I found time to feel ugly and depressed. I knew that I needed to focus on them but my mind was on my thighs and double chin instead. I can't live like this much longer.
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