Blurrr

yesterday today tomorrow
last week this week next week
then now when
day to dusk
night to dawn

Its that time of year again. That time in July when all the days blur into one long day. It's still painful even though it's supposed to be fun in the sun. sunburns and heartburn and a persistent sore throat. heh heh hem. I'm so lonesome all the time, even when I'm surrounded. I know that the end of the day is coming soon so I start feeling lonely ahead of time. I live for the phone to ring and read even spam emails now. my room is spotless and I'm running out of things to do to it. I haven't started my summer reading, but One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is sitting on the end of the bed. At least Vishwa will be home tomorrow.

I hate waiting for him. I hate it. I wish I could just not think of him at all and he would just be another person to be around like before. God it's sickening! it's exactly how it was with M before. I would hang on his every word and every tiny gesture and action was mauled over and squeezed thoroughly for some meaning. Now every word spoken and unspoken has momentous weight. I hate that so much. I want to go back to the spring when I could dreamily crush on random boys and none of it would mean much at all.

I can't remember how long it's been since I swallowed all those pills. A week? Two? I could just read back through the blog posts, but just using my mental calender I can't work it out. These last three weeks are a blur, a hazy depression filled fog. All this cloudiness is making me sick.