just another day

Tuesday: water fast since 8pm Monday 138.4
Wednesday: juice fast until 6 (total 46h)
         after 6: pasta, chocolate (iknowiknowiknow, i suck) 137.0
Thursday: disgusting binge, but also awesome workout 137.6

we'll see what today does to tomorrow's number. ugh.

all my friends are dying because they didn't get into the ivy they wanted. fuck off. you still got into like 10 top-rate schools. who cares? Cornell is just as fucking good as William & Mary! and boohoo, no Princeton? you still got into MIT. asdfghjkl. i hate them.
I wanted to cry when they were since I fucking binged. they failed, but at something difficult and good. I'm failing and it isn't even hard. it's easy and I can't even do it. they can get in every school but the tippy top, but I can't even lose 15 pounds or stick to a few simple rules. I can't tell anybody in real life. and I suck at track and I'm lonely and cold. but somehow I don't mind the cold because I read that it makes you burn more calories. which I need to burn because I fucking binged. and the binge is probably 10x as bad since I fasted before so my metabolism is slowed down. fuck fuck fuck. I hate me.

i wish i could make myself puke. i wish i were just magically thinner. i wish... a thousand things

my apologies

I put all my posts from my other blog on here. i like this blog better and I like having everything in one place. so thats why there are a ton of new posts dating back to last april. but I accidentally messed some things up on other things. so the last post got deleted and reposted but the comments disappeared. so I'll post them here (more for me than anything) sorry for any confusion or annoyance.


Ariana- Jaclyn is so pretty! It's like a gorgeous french name! My name is so boring and commone ><. Thanks for reminding me when the SGD ended because I completely lost track! I guess I shouldn't "wing it" from now on and actually keep track of things :/. That's great you lost 4 lbs though! I hope your hair color turns out nicely! You have to be careful though that it doesn't turn your hair orange- that wouldn't be good. Blonde is such a lovely hair color though- I would've loved to stay blond but my dark roots kept growing out & it was 1.) too expensive to keep re-dying and 2.) it was killing my hair!
♥ 


Lillie Flower- A name change could be interesting...
Personally, I love the name Jacqueline. It's very elegant :)

Xx. Lillie 


Meg- Oh, I am smiling for you, baby girl! You are doing great, don't let temptations ruin your day! 4 pounds is good. At least it's still a loss, isn't it? :) Good luck with reaching your goal weight by prom! You can do it, as challenging as it may seem.
Yay for the sun spray!!
Jackie or Jaclyn, you are still gonna be the same amazing person. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support!
Love

~ Meg 

hiccup

today is the last day of SGD cycle 2. it went so quickly! total I've lost about 4 pounds, which really doesn't feel like that much. But with all the binges I've had, I'll take it. I know I don't deserve a good outcome this time around. will the third time be the charm? I really want to be 120 by June 6th (prom). That means 18 pounds in a little over 2 months. not impossible, but it'll be a challenge.

last day of SGD is a fast and so far so good. I've only had water and I'm planning to keep it that way. my back-up plan is some tea if I feel like I just want to stuff my face, but hopefully I can hold out till I go to bed. the only thing is, I've had these hiccups for like an hour now and they won't go away, even with water. I don't think it's fast related, but it's still annoying.

I bought some sun-in (the stuff you spray in your hair to make it turn blond in the sun) today. I'm so excited to be blond! my hair color is kinda boring, so I'm ready for a change. just cross your fingers it doesn't turn out a disaster!


Ariana- I think you're right about the friend thing. I'm just waiting for this high school drama to be over. but thanks for the advice, it really makes this all seem a lot more normal and less like I'm an irrational freak.

Lu- Oh my god, living in SF would be awesome! we could meet up for yoga and tea and it would be awesome! haha we'd be those two skinny friends who everybody wants to be. I can see it now... sigh... :) thanks for being here for me. you're support means the world. xx

and one more random thought- I've been thinking for a long time about changing my name to Jaclyn. my real name is Jacqueline, so really I'd just be switching nick names. I don't know, I've been Jackie forever, and I want to change before I go away to school. hmm. we'll see.

xoxo Jackie/Jaclyn :P

Change

time change (3 hours)

friend change (2 fights)

self change (1 mind)

140.4 ~up .8 pounds since Wednesday.

I don't feel bad about this gain since I was on vacation. with all the crap thrown at me, I did okay. And a friend saw me adding calories on my ipod. she gave me a look. oops.

San Fransisco is a beautiful city! the 5 days I was there inspired me to move out there. I know it's a long shot, but California is so great. I used to be a skeptic, I thought that it really couldn't be as pretty in real life as all the pictures are. but it is pretty, even more than the pictures. Despite the rain, it was one of the most amazing places I have ever been.

I hope no body is too bored by my pictures. I'm not thinspiring, but I like being able to share my life with people who understand and care about what I have to say. love y'all<3

Anna and I in our "business casual" for the master class at the Davies Symphony Hall

artsy rain picture

Me and Audrey in the rain at Muir Woods

red woods in the rain

view from Alcatraz island

tempting sour dough bread (okay fine, it's true, I tried some and it was delish. but the point is, I had a salad at this cafe. I deserve a medal for carb avoidance)

going home again (nose slightly burned but this is still the best pic taken of me in a long while... I don't photograph well. might have something to do with how fat I am hahaha)

somewhere over the land of the free

okay. now the problem.

I keep getting in fights with my friends. I get upset because they don't talk to me anymore. I try not to let it bother me, but when it gets to be to much I blow up. And obviously they don't like that. They say I'm irrational. maybe I am. but maybe I'm not the one at blame in this situation.

my mind set in all this conflict:

I'm sad because they ignore me > they must not like me anymore > they must be embarrassed of my fatness > maybe its my personality > maybe I don't talk enough/ talk too much > maybe they just forgot me > it must be my fault > I need to change > but I can't change my personality > yes I can, but who could I be? > I need to tell them how upset I am, I need to stand up for myself > fight > stupid bitches > no, they're right. it's all my fault > I need to change > I need to get skinnier and get a better personality > get quiet maybe cry in the bathroom > they ignore me > I'm sad again > repeat

But this time these fights seem more permanent. Like it'll be like this forever. I'll always be like this and they're waiting for me to get better. sorry guys. this is it.

maybe I am irrational. maybe I am bipolar. maybe I'm just a failure.

I need to change. but if I strip away my character and all it's flaws, I don't know what's hiding underneath.

sorry for the complaining. they say that's another thing wrong with me. sigh.

I ate about 800 each day. not terrible, but not in the SGD limits. And today was not better. jvoqignsrgvseigfj I need to stop this vacation mindset and get back to fruit and rice cakes. 

back to reality. 

PS- welcome new followers! I'm delighted to have you :) 

West Coast- Holla!!!

I'm packing for my trip to San Francisco tomorrow. yay! I can't wait! my choir is going for this big festival and it's gonna be supper fun. We're going to see all this fun stuff, but what I'm most excited for is the red wood forest. I've always dreamed of seeing them. But we also get to see a tour of the city and go shopping and all that too. woot woot! It's kind of an expensive trip, so my grandmother is paying for it- she won the lottery in December (crazy right?! it was $15,000 so not a million dollars but definitely nothing to sneeze at!) and so she gave this trip to me for Christmas.

I just really hope I look good in the pictures there. I cried when I looked at all the Fame pictures. I look so fat! ugh... despite my lack of clothing in the picture I posted, it was the best one taken of me in all three days. grumble grumble grumble. Another thing I'm worried about is sticking to the diet plan. SGD has been difficult the past two days and I was home. how am I gonna keep on track when I'm away with all that tempting travel food around? sigh...

I had cake today. bleh. I think I'm up to 1000 calories and I have no will power to work out. I skipped track again too. I started crying in the locker room on Friday. being in last place all the time destroys my self esteem. it's becoming a battle between being sane and happy right now or being skinny. which do I want more? I'd like to think it's skinny, but I'm not sure.

anyways

my very first blogger award!
here it is:

thank you so much to Lu, Meg, Cat,  and Ariana for nominating me! I feel so loved <3 I absolutely love you guys, you are my safe haven away from all my crazy consuming thoughts and hectic confusing life. much much much love to you!

so seven facts about me:

I'm still afraid of the monsters that live under my bed and in my closet  and in the basement etc. (they're EVERYWHERE!!!) so I leap when I get out of bed so they can't grab my ankles and sprint up the stairs after I turn out the lights at night. you have to always be on your guard- monsters are sneaky creatures!

 All my favorite scented items are citrus. it makes me happy.

I've played 5 different instruments since I was 5. I took lessons in piano, flute, clarinet, trumpet, and guitar and gave up on all of them.Singing is my one true love.and does the kazoo count?

I fall on the first day of Virgo. but Virgo doesn't fit me at all. My horoscope is almost always wrong. I think I fit the Leo sign much better. This probably has something to do with the fact that I was born 2 weeks late, so was therefore meant to be a Leo. one day hardly counts, I think.

I have very long eyelashes. People ask me all the time if I'm wearing false lashes when I wear mascara. Once some lady even asked what kind of mascara I used when I wasn't wearing any at all.

The idea of marriage repulses me when I think about other people getting married. One person for my whole life? no thank you! but then I think of loving someone so much that spending your life with them only sounds like the best thing ever. That's real love. I hope I get a chance at that someday.

I know lots of random facts about a lot of subjects. I have an opinion on almost everything. 

I'll try not to nominate girls who already got the award. And since the rules say new girls, I'll try to stick to that as well, but there are a few old favorites (who haven't gotten the award yet) thrown in there as well! 

Know I love all you readers so much, and the girls who I follow. Even though we don't know each other in real life, I feel like we do know each other. We share these secrets, carry these complicated loads together. thank you all for being here for me and for sharing your lives with me. Together we can be anything we want to be!

1Alex

2Mae

3Emuhlee

4Charl

5Haley

6Sofia

7Athena

8Adeline

9Victoria

10Zette

I probably won't post until Monday, but I might find a way to post while I'm there. hopefully I'll have some nice pictures to share (and a good number from the scale as well)

Flamenco

The show is officially over. And any of you girls who were in theater know what that means- cast party! We had it at this guy Matt's house, who I had a crush on for years. I'm over him now, but spending the night with him was sort of... ironic. We slept over this other girl's house after and he was there, and when we all went out to see the full moon at one point and he put his arms around me so we could both be in his blanket. He has a girl friend so I found this strange, but it was still nice to get that butterfly feeling back. I ended up sleeping next to him too, which was again, ironic. Why is it as soon as you get over the guy, they start flirting with you?

The sleep over was really fun though. It was mostly seniors, but lots of juniors were there too. It was supposed to be no alcohol, but there was some. I felt so bad because my friend D got pressured into drinking when he really didn't want to. He doesn't deserve to be treated like that. We also ended up playing the game "never have I ever" (well, the group of us that weren't up stairs making out). I of course was one of the people that still had a lot of fingers up. It's embarrassing but also sort of gratifying to know that other people have done way stupider shit than you have.

So today I slept mostly after staying up until 6 am. It was my brother's 16th birthday too so I baked him a cake and watched him unwrap gifts. this weekend was a bust on calories, but it was fun. And I don't think I'll be going to too many parties in the near future. best to soak it up, you know? but then the converse is also true. If you stay away from the food, you're more likely to be invited to future parties. so the question at such events becomes: to enjoy today and not worry about a cookie or to focus on making tomorrow the best it could be. hmm...

this is a picture from the last night of the show. I was in the vocal ensemble, a little group that made appearances at certain points. of course, I was the fattest in the group, something that makes me crazy. it's so much easier to pick out who looks hot and who is definitely not when we wear matching outfits. it's so easy to see that I have the fattest legs and the ugliest face. bleh. sorry for my negativity. 

the flamenco girls

A, M, N, S, A, Jackie (me), K

note: please excuse the enormous hair, it was 80's themed and K went crazy crimping my hair. 

skinny sunday

139. I pray I never see the 140's again. ever.

Yesterday

Yesterday's show went really well. Except for the part when I completely fell apart. I got back from track, bought a salad at Wawa and sat down on the half wall in front of the auditorium to eat it. I was wearing all my make up and frizzed hair, but I hadn't put on my costume yet. I was wearing my prettiest pink dress in honor of the 71 degree weather. I just looked at the salad in my lap and started crying. The loud, wailing, heaving sort of cry that was just waiting to come out. I was so sore from practice, and so hungry since all I had eaten was some non-fat yogurt and half a grapefruit. 

I looked up through my streaked glitter and mascara and saw the choreographer. He came and sat with me and was like, "hey, you excited for the show?" and then I just looked at him and he asked, surprised at my complete lack of composure, if I was okay. I told him I was exhausted. And then I started laughing at the fact that I was a mess and I was trying to eat salad and my shoulders were burning in the sun. He didn't say anything, just that I should dry my eyes and that it would be over before I knew it. and it was, he was right.

I ate a few bites of the salad and then threw it out. I saw Prateek after the show. We exchanged a few words and after he hugged me he held my hand for a little while. When I could hardly breathe anymore I kissed his cheek and whispered that I loved him. Then I went home. Once I got home I had grapes and a few blue chips, but I don't mind. I slept last night with a sense that this is all just a phase to get through. I will run track and do the things seniors are supposed to do, go to the beach and cry at graduation, but there are better things waiting for me. Saying goodbye to Prateek gave me peace.

I'm letting go of yesterday. I'm letting go of Prateek. I'm letting go of the tears, the soreness, the lingering resentment. I'm looking up and waiting quietly for this part of my life to come to a close. 

opening night

binge binge binge binge binge
yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck : /

but luckily it didn't matter. even the chocolate pudding didn't put me over my goal net calories. I started track practices today, which was fun even though I am the worst javelin thrower in the history of the universe. I burned about 400 I think. Then it was opening night of my musical which burned probably another 300 with all the jumping around and dancing I was doing. It was all day on my feet, so when I got home for a half hour I stuffed my face. ugh. if I could have only resisted this might have been a negative day. boo. fuck these binges!

one good thing though- 138.6 this morning! yay :) I'll check off 140 now I think.

my track coach was happy to see me today. He said (exact quote) "you've certainly changed your body shape" changed my body shape? what the fuck?! I'll take that to mean I look thinner, but I'm still hurt. I mean, that could only mean that I used to look god-awful since I look like a baby whale right now.

anyway

I can't wait for the next two shows. I love performing, it's wonderful. the applause and the make-up and the costumes and all the energy. love it! there is just one part I hate- when everyone else looks so much cuter than I do. They all look sharp and rocker-chic in their 80's costumes, while I look soft and dumpy in a cut-up tee that only shows off my lack of shoulder bones.

much love to all of you, hope you didn't miss me too much this week <3
xoxo

Is the void back yet?

I'll just push more thoughts into the nothingness all this has become.

I don't look good in photographs. But maybe that's because no one bothers to take any of me.

maybe if I were thinner....

stop.

no, don't stop. don't ever stop.

go go go

I don't want your pity friendship. I want love. I feel so tricked. and somehow guilty for your mistakes.

I hate writing in this goddamn code, afraid of the words that would pin me down.

day 15

Yeah. I failed today. really badly. I ate a whole bunch of crap. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I'm in a downward spiral right now. I've been crying the past few days all the time and I can't keep a constant mood. I hate this. It's like have 20 different personalities switching on and off. why can't I just be fucking happy? I need help. I don't want it.

i wish everything didnt mean something. i could just eat a fucking cookie without caring. i could look at a mirror and not cry. i could see someone look at me and not analyze it. i could think something and not judge myself. fuck this.

Constant

I was talking with my aunt on the phone and I was quiet for a bit. she said to me: "well you aren't much of a Chatty Cathy today"

And all I could think was 'no, I'm not much of a Cathy at all.'

anything I write in this moment will be irrelevant in the next moment. I can't seem to stay in a consistent mood or personality.

If I start the day happy, I always convince manage to convince myself that I don't deserve it. But sadness turns to happiness by the sheer energy in the room. sometimes I can't even control it. I just shift without warning.

But somethings stay the same. Like the way it physically hurts sometimes the way someone who used to really like me now can't hold a one minute conversation with me. (it's as if anything that he used to find interesting about me is gone. I don't know if I'm the one who changed, or if it was him. Am I suddenly weird or is he suddenly too cool for me?)

Other things change. Like the way Matt started talking to me again. Or how I have nothing to keep me focused. or the way I'm fascinated by things that used to repulse me, like cigarettes and too much eye liner.

I can't wait to get out of here so people will stop treating me like I don't matter. I want to start fresh so I can be on the same level as my classmates. They won't ignore me on conversations because I'm not in the click and don't share their inside jokes. They won't pass me over this way.

^that actually isn't true. because even though I want to, I can't change this shy personality of mine. I'll always have days like these when I'm quiet and sad. It will all just happen over again.

I want to apologize for this all being so rambly and stupid. but saying sorry for something that didn't hurt anybody is rambly and stupid too.

Long Story Short

Friday I was sitting in choir and I was really upset. something you should know about me is that sometimes I'm upset for reasons I don't understand. I just am. normally it has something to do with how much I really fucking hate myself. my best friend Anna was trying to get me to be normal and I just shot her a mean look and stormed out. I went and sat at the bottom of the stairwell next to a utility closet where only the janitors are allowed. It's cold down there and little freaky. I sat, wondering how long I'd have to sit there before my body temperature dropped one degree. I read that when your body has to heat up one degree it burns 200 calories.

She was mad at me. but not in a hold-a-grudge sort of way, more of a I-don't-understand-who-you-are-anymore-and-you-need-to-stop-acting-like-this sort of way. I was really sorry. I wrote her a letter explaining everything and then tore it up. She's really honest and logical, but it's that quality that makes her crave beauty and creativity. She's an amazing poet, but she doesn't get tangled the way I do; she has the ability to keep perspective.

On Saturday it was a full day rehearsal for Fame which goes up on Thursday. It looked amazing! We bedazzled and ripped up shirts for our costumes and had fun signing each other's acid-wash jeans. It was such a blast, and I managed to eat only a salad and an apple. I got my period though, so when I got home I had some chocolate and cheese and rice cakes and iced tea after I went running. No one is perfect.  Then it was my friend's eighteenth birthday at a hibachi restaurant, which was really fun. I ate some fried rice and a few bites of chicken and a cupcake. I know I went over yesterday, I was well over 1000 calories, but I ran a mile and I danced all day, and I was really good this whole week. I don't really feel bad about yesterday.

But somehow, even though I was comfortable with my calories yesterday, I was still upset. I had been with Anna all day and I hadn't apologized for the way I acted on Friday. So I messaged her that I was sorry and it turned into this hour long chat about how I keep cycling between depression and mania. Sometimes I'm really happy, bouncing around and smiling and dancing. Other times, I shut down, completely sad and quiet and gone. She says I need help. I don't want therapy or drugs, I think I just need a change in scenery. Then she asked: "and have you been eating normally in the past couple months? i mean i know you're trying to get in shape or be healthier or something but sometimes it worries me". I told her I was eating fine. I told her I eat the same as I used to, it's just that I'm trying to be really good at track this year. It was a terrible conversation. I ended up feeling like some sort of pitiable charity case.

I'm sick this morning. Aching muscles and joints, fatigue, and a really sore throat. I've had 200 cals worth of cereal and milk. I don't know what to think of all this. I know I need help, but getting help didn't change anything last spring. I need to fix myself this time, or I'll never be better.

day 11

The problem with trying to fix a broken bird is that there are only two possible outcomes. They'll either die or fly away from you. 

I've surprised myself by sticking to this diet quite well. 4 days binge-free. and! the best news of all- 139.8 this morning! I'm not gonna tick it off my goals page yet, unless I lose again tomorrow morning. this means I've lost 2.2 pounds since sunday. I was so happy this morning I had the urge to tell everyone, but I didn't tell anyone because it's unbecoming to let anyone know that you're on a diet. or so I've been told.

day 10

I did well on Tuesday, with a net total of 192. I had all healthy foods too, which made the success all the sweeter. I didn't go running on my own since I didn't have enough time, but I did run yesterday. We had a test in gym class where we run from one side of the gym to the other at an increasing speed. Your score is how many times you can get across and back before you're too exhausted to go on. I got 86, which isn't a very good score, not even my best, but I was sore from running hills on Monday. Lame excuse, I know, but I was aching by the time I hit 70. I pushed through to 85, but then I decided it just wasn't worth the pain to push on to 100.

Also, my prom dress arrived. I bought it super early because it was cheap and there was only one left. It's a bit big, but I'll have it taken in when it get close to the date. Prom is June 3rd, so I have a while to lose the weight I want to. It's really flattering already, but I want my arms to look spectacular and I don't want a fat face in pictures again. Last year, I was the grossest girl in all the pictures. ugh. I want that to change. I'll post a picture of me in my dress when I get to 135. I don't want to embarrass myself until I've lost at least 15 pounds from where I've started.

This morning I was given a lovely surprise by my scale, 140.8! I was so happy. I only have a pound to go till I'm in the 130s. I was eating really well until lunch when instead of throwing out my sandwich like usual, I ate it. It wasn't a bad sandwich, pita bread with lettuce and a 1/2 tablespoon of ranch dressing. I was so upset with myself the rest of the day. but then around 5 or 6 I thought to myself 'hey! when did a 150 calorie sandwich become something to ruin your day? this is crazy!" I got 196 net today, not counting fruit and subtracting 168 in running and dance. That's still a good total of 334, under my SGD day day 10 goal of 400. So why was I beating myself up over a dumb pita sandwich?

I ran it off after school anyway, but really, why is it a big deal? When I restrict for a day I sometimes get in the mindset that eating is failing. But then I usually end of binging the next day or the day after. I need to find a happy medium.

Also, question to anyone who knows, when I eat under 500 calories my eyes hurt. it's like a pressure similar to not getting enough sleep. I know I've been sleeping enough, so the eating is what's doing it. Why is this happening? Am I not getting enough of some vitamin or something? help is much appreciated <3

Hope everyone had a lovely Ash Wednesday! I said I was giving up potatoes and all their delicious products, and doesn't it figure that my dad makes twice baked potatoes tonight? well, at least it was a good reason to skip the calories! good luck tomorrow, girlies! xoxo

I'm getting there

cereal 40

juice, apple

rice cakes 175

cheese 45

fried chicken 215

milk 110

popcorn 85

669

weights and calisthenics-90

running (hills and 1.5 miles)-290

dancing-135

-515

=154

Okay. I know what you're thinking- fried chicken?I know. I'm thinking the same thing. I was only going to have a small amount as not to raise questions and jokes about diets at my expense. but after the workout I was so damn tired and hungry. And the chicken was so good. and I had milk. I love chicken.... (sorry vegans, I love meat) I also had 5 rice cakes today. can you say obsession?

Anyways. Today was the first day of track. I couldn't go because I'm in the school musical though. I'll start practicing with the team when the play is finished.
tangent: Our rehearsals are from 3:15 till 6 this week and 3:15 till 7 next week. on Thursday of next week will be opening night. We only do 3 shows at my school, which I think is dumb. why practice for 2 months if you only get the good part for 3 nights? the applause is why I do it. it's great to be up there smiling and knowing that all eyes are on you. I don't have a lead, I'm only a "featured vocal soloist" (or in other words the crappiest part a senior can get). but the show is great, it's Fame which is ten times better than last year's Kiss Me, Kate.

Oh right. my point in this paragraph. I'll get back to that now. I went running right after school (2:30) and went through town to this big hill that goes up to a neighborhood. I ran all the way there (.7 miles) and then ran up twice ( I walked back down) then I mostly ran back, but I walked quite a bit. It was a real workout! It took me half an hour, so I count that as one good workout ticked off towards my future track successes.

I feel so good being back on SGD and being back to running. It's so much more fulfilling than food or being lazy like I was all of last week (have I mentioned my failing lately? ugh. nightmare.) I was good most of the day except for the chicken thing. but I still stayed under my 400 cal limit.

I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon and do lent this year. I've decided to give up potato products for real this time. I've tried before, but always failed. this time, I will do it!

even though I had a week of terribleness, I feel like I'm getting somewhere after today. I'm gonna have a lovely body one day. hope you all have a wonderful week to come!

Purpose

I went to see The Adjustment Bureau today. It was a good movie, but kinda just like every other Matt Damon film.The one really awesome thing about it was the concept of life having a purpose. The whole movie was based around the idea that there's this organization that keeps tabs on everyone to make sure they stick to "the plan". I wish this movie was real life. I honestly see no problem with a benevolent bureaucracy keeping my life on track. That would mean that even if my life doesn't have some ultimate purpose, at least it's part of the greater design. It would be nice to know that although I'm just a thread, some one out there is holding the pattern for this tapestry.

All the agents worked like angels. I wish there were angels. I wish I could go back to believing that someone is watching out especially for me. To believe in heaven and God and all His angels would be such a luxury.

My ears are ringing

This week was really bad calorie-wise. Except Monday, it's basically been a marathon binge. Sorry to disappoint. I also don't run anymore. I don't know what's been wrong with me. I'm sorta.... I guess it's a little dose of ennui. Luckily, there are enough distractions going on to take my mind off the grey all-encompassing splotch that's been settling over my mind. I don't really go online to read or comment on blogs or tumblr or even check email anymore. I'm sorry for leaving you all. But I'm re-committing, don't worry, I'm back again.

My school had a black and white dance last night. I wore black leggings and a white shirt with a silver flower and an asymmetrical neck line that shows my left shoulder. I volumized my hair (this thing I do where I crimp and curl random pieces, it looks cool but it's hard to describe) and wore white eye shadow a little bit of glitter. I looked nice. Well, as nice as a fat girl can look anyway.

When I got there, fashionably late as always, the dance was in full swing. About a quarter of the school was there, about 125 people. I strutted in, something I always do when I need confidence, and found my friends. They were all dancing by the speakers (a bad choice, as my ears are still ringing as I write this), mostly with other senior girls, but our friend D was there and T, too. Coincidentally they are the only two black boys in the entire school are both in our class and are both gay. They always get the lead roles in the school play, both are going to private schools next year for pre-med, and are both gifted athletes. Anyway, the point is, I had a great time dancing with my friends to loud music with bleeped-out lyrics.

But then I saw my crush from across the room. The problem with crushes is, they tend to crush you as the name suggests. He certainly did. He was grinding with a pretty girl from a near-by and much larger school. Like, he was dancing in a way that's basically sex with your clothes on (Luckily there was only one chaperone at this dance, a 21 year old student teacher who didn't much care if we left a little room for Jesus). I love dancing like that, it's actually really fun, but the point is he wasn't supposed to be dancing with her. He was supposed to be dancing with me. I turned away, and tried to focus on swiveling my hips to the correct beat. But really, I was caught up with the thought that he was dancing with her, and hadn't even glanced in my direction.

As the night went on, I danced with a senior from the same high school that my crush's new girl friend is from. He was a pretty bad dancer, but I had fun. He was pretty focused on my ass, which, given my bruised ego, wasn't such a bad thing. Then I danced quite a bit with my girls and a good time getting my heart rate up. But a thought occurred to me in the midst of the dancing. I want to be thin so he wants me. Maybe not him in particular, but I want all the boys waiting for a chance with me next time I'm out dancing. I know that the only way to do that is to lose this weight. I need to do this. I've found the motivation I miss placed earlier this week. I'm recommitting, like I said.

ces choses que je n'ai jamais dit

Sometimes being a good friend is knowing when to let them go

If we were birds you would be a finch and I would be a quail

With you I have superpowers- I've got the gift of invisibility

I want a stained glass window on my gravestone

A complicated notion

Tangled in emotion

Yeah, I believe the worst in myself, but I'm always waiting to be proven wrong.

In my heart of hearts, I know I won't get what I want but I'll still be happy in some other average way

Talking about love as if they invented the feeling

I hope this is worth it

It's a strange place to be, here in the land of the living

I'm still waiting for all this ugliness to go away

Maybe the best thoughts are the ones left unwritten

F is for Failing

it's been 3 days. only 3 days. and I've managed to screw up two of them.

I wrote this really long post yesterday but deleted the whole thing because I was so upset with myself. saying I didn't meet the 300 goal would be an understatement. i don't want to think about it anymore.

so in light of yesterday's humiliating failure, I was determined to make today a success. nope, of course not, I'm a weakling. the goal was 400. I got 610.

On top of the caloric disasters, I haven't gone running on either day. nor did I do my calisthenics.

In other news, guess what arrived in the mail today? that's right! MY SCALE! i'm so happy about it. it's all pretty and sleek and digital. love it <3 and I love what it told me too, 145 :)

So now I can satisfy my desires to know my weight to my heart's content. I was dying not knowing. I couldn't ever tell if I was making any progress at all. Well, I still kinda don't since my starting weight is of questionable integrity. oh well. I'm gonna say my starting weight is 150 and I've lost 5 pounds in 2 months. wow. actually, now that I put it that way I feel terrible about it. I'm slow...

well. sorry about the bad post. I'm just super mad at myself for all this failing. forgive me.

goodnight darlings!

EDIT
I weighed myself in just my underwear and went down to 143.6. who knew your clothes weighed so much? I'm happy about this. it brings me super close to my next goal of 143. let's hope it's lower in the morning