Yesterday

Yesterday's show went really well. Except for the part when I completely fell apart. I got back from track, bought a salad at Wawa and sat down on the half wall in front of the auditorium to eat it. I was wearing all my make up and frizzed hair, but I hadn't put on my costume yet. I was wearing my prettiest pink dress in honor of the 71 degree weather. I just looked at the salad in my lap and started crying. The loud, wailing, heaving sort of cry that was just waiting to come out. I was so sore from practice, and so hungry since all I had eaten was some non-fat yogurt and half a grapefruit. 

I looked up through my streaked glitter and mascara and saw the choreographer. He came and sat with me and was like, "hey, you excited for the show?" and then I just looked at him and he asked, surprised at my complete lack of composure, if I was okay. I told him I was exhausted. And then I started laughing at the fact that I was a mess and I was trying to eat salad and my shoulders were burning in the sun. He didn't say anything, just that I should dry my eyes and that it would be over before I knew it. and it was, he was right.

I ate a few bites of the salad and then threw it out. I saw Prateek after the show. We exchanged a few words and after he hugged me he held my hand for a little while. When I could hardly breathe anymore I kissed his cheek and whispered that I loved him. Then I went home. Once I got home I had grapes and a few blue chips, but I don't mind. I slept last night with a sense that this is all just a phase to get through. I will run track and do the things seniors are supposed to do, go to the beach and cry at graduation, but there are better things waiting for me. Saying goodbye to Prateek gave me peace.

I'm letting go of yesterday. I'm letting go of Prateek. I'm letting go of the tears, the soreness, the lingering resentment. I'm looking up and waiting quietly for this part of my life to come to a close.