secretly

twice in one day I was tempted to blow my cover and scream that I struggle with disordered eating. sometimes it's so frustrating to live in secret.

in my class we were talking about blogging and some kid was talking about how he had almost 500 pageviews since he started his blog this summer. I rolled my eyes and was tempted to mention my nearly 7,000 since January. he probably doesn't have any followers. (I love you guys, by the way. have I told you I love you lately? because I do.)

then my roommates were talking about girls with eating disorders. the one was talking about her friend who did some extreme diet and then snapped out of it. "I know sometimes its a disorder, but sometimes they're just being stupid," she said. I wanted to scream that some people are "being stupid" because every part of their brain is absorbed by self loathing and obsessive calorie counting.

i wish i were thin for a lot of reasons. and i'll add this to the list: so people would take my internal sufferings seriously and not push it off as just another girl with poor self-esteem.

from the confessions about eating disorders tumblr page:
33270) No one believes you unless you never ever eat, are severely underweight, and have your problems coming out of your ears for them to see. You know, sometimes the least likely people are the most mentally ill.

bigger things

first solid restricting day in a long while. I'm just genuinely not hungry, which is a nice change.

breakfast: 1/2 a pear (40)
lunch: small salad with chicken and no dressing (130)
dinner: fruit salad and skim milk (150)
snack: mixed nut bar (160)
total: 480

best day in a very long time. well. food-wise anyway.

I had to go home today. it was a long tiring car ride and I cried for much of it. I really don't want to be back at school. it's work, number one. and as you guys know, I am super lazy. number two, I love being home. number three, being in my dorm room makes me sad. number four, it reminds me how much I don't know about where I'm going in life.
I just wanna sleep forever and ever. oh, no. I can't cry again. I've done that too much already today.

at all

my posts have been fewer in numbers lately. I haven't been dieting so I haven't been blogging, either.

I don't think I wanna live like this anymore. it's been nearly a year since I began this blog (it was originally a new years resolution) and I haven't made any progress. yes, I lost 20 pounds this year. but I gained it all back. I weighed myself at my grandmother's house today, which is the where I weighed myself last year when I decided I needed to take more drastic weight loss measures. and guess how much? 147. yes. I gained 17 pounds since the beginning of October.

Then I decided not to eat much for Thanksgiving dinner. I had probably about a third of what I would have eaten if I hadn't weighed myself just before. Then I drank another glass of wine instead of dessert. I'm proud to have eaten less than 800 calories on Thanksgiving day. But that doesn't make up for the bottomless binges I've been having for almost a month. I'm so depressed, and all I want to do is eat.

But I don't wanna live like that anymore. I wanna be thin so they'll notice me. I wanna be thin so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I wanna be thin so I can be happy.

problem is, I can't do anything right at all.

a little bit useful

conversations with high people get you nowhere. I don't know why I even bother. all my friends are high and planning on going to the movies. I kinda wanted to go with but then they wanted to get food. I already ate too much today so I'm staying home. isn't that awful?

I filled out the application for my summer missions project. they asked if you had struggled with an eating disorder in the past 6 months. I answered no, but not in good conscience. I'm not normal, but I don't think I qualify as disordered. I don't know, actually. however I answered the question I knew I'd feel like I was lying to a priest.

I went apartment hunting with some boys from my floor who got kicked out of housing. We went all over Boston and never found a good place. But at this point they've gotta be willing to settle for good enough, amazing just isn't gonna happen.

The one guy said he was really glad I came along. "we'd have been so depressed if you weren't here to point out all the good things." I'm glad I can be a light in someone's life at least.

positive thinking

I think you were right, Judith Marie. I just need to get going. Nothing was ever solved by moping about it.(although at times moping feels like the only option.)

Only a few days until my thanksgiving break! I absolutely cannot wait to spend a few days with my family. I miss home so much and it'll be nice to be back home where I belong.

`

keep going like this

I feel like such shit. I've been sad for... I can't even count the days. I was doing so well being happy, too.

my weight is 143. meaning I've gained 10 pounds since I got here. I am such a failure. (and don't say everyone gains weight in college. I promised myself I'd lose weight. I'm not everybody.)

it's not just my looks. life is just really hard right now. I'm bullshitting my assignments and skipping class and doing all the things I know I shouldn't. my mind is so full of terrible thoughts that I can't sleep at night.

I've been to the counseling center twice. One time I walked there, looked at the door and then walked home again. The second time I opened the door, but then chickened out again and just grabbed some condoms and left. so pathetic.

pink cheeks

i ate so much
like, the entire contents of the shelves in our suite.
i came home yesterday from a nice walk and was just like "hungry...." and ate everything.
i think my suite mates are mad cause i ate all the food. lol i think i'd be mad too.
and that was like all weekend, i ate waayy too much.
so much for fasting. that only worked for like a day and a half.
and then i went to the drug store an hour ago and got laxies and diet pills. I took 2 laxies and 3 diet pills.
tomorrow's plan:

go to class

go to the gym

shower

take diet pills

go to class

get academic advising appointment

do homework

do application for summer program

work

snack

diet pills

finish homework

watch tv/hangout

go to sleep

i hate this painful nonsensical secret cycle. i binge and starve, always terrified to purge. i think to myself how terrible it is that im alone and no one knows about this disorder. but i also think im not sick, that maybe i just validation for making myself feel so disgusting. what ever's been going on, it sucks. and im not thin enough to get mental help yet. i need people to understand.

i don't think i wanna grow up.

nothing makes sense.

sorry, i'm not getting any better

Just slept through another fucking class. I'm the world's fucking worst student ever. I hate that about myself. and I kinda just hate the whole of myself, too. I mean, my family worked so hard so I could go to college and then I just go and blow it. I'm pretty sure I'm failing two of my classes, and the other two aren't looking so hot. I suck. That's all there is to it.

so I decided that I'm gonna not eat for the rest of the day. I think a good water fast is in order. If I have any desire to eat, I'll just remind myself that I'm failing school and that I don't deserve to eat. This way, if I can keep it up, at least when I fail school I won't be fat, too.

Then I can go abroad this summer and not scare the people there with my roundness. I can possibly fit in, be one of the thin beautiful girls on my missions team. well, we can work on thin anyway.

oh, but then

I went to the gym

and I ate a picnic lunch

I finished my homework

I saw my boy, briefly

My room is clean

I wrote some bad (but good) poetry

I read an interesting book

I found some new music to love

and then I ruined everything




and by ruin I mean I binged hardcore. I kind of just want to curl up in a hole and sleep for a long, long time.

dreaming

I don't think I've ever been in love. I thought maybe I loved the last boy, the one who talked real sweet and kissed me sweeter. But I don't think I did.

See the thing is, I believe love is forever. And if I had loved him truly, it would have taken me longer to get over him. As in, I'd still be aching for him. But I'm not aching for him. I'm not aching for any boy. I'm aching for my family, I miss them dearly. I'm aching for my mother, who waits for me in the sleepy moments just before I'm awake. I'm aching for my friends, who are off creating lives just as complicated and exciting as the one I'm making for myself up here in the city.

When I find my love, I think I'll know. Not that I won't have doubts, but I'll understand why God made him an irreplaceable part of my story. I'll understand why this boy needs me and why I need him.

My mother had this dream about the house she bought with my father. It wasn't a large house, or an especially beautiful one. It was one that she worked hard to make into a home. She planted flowers and trees, she painted the walls, and picked out the perfect furniture She forged relationships with our neighbors, and was the type of woman that planned parties and clubs, things that disappeared with her. My mother was powerful and beautiful and she made her dreams happen.

One of the dreams my mother had for that house was that her children would take wedding photos on the steps in the front hall. That my prince would be standing at the foot of the stairs as I descended them in a cloud of white fabric. I got a glimpse of this at the start of the summer. On the evening of my graduation, I walked down the stairs in my white crinoline dress. My hair was lightly curled and my make-up was perfect. As I came down, my boyfriend looked up and opened his mouth in surprise. "You look... beautiful," he said, in that wonderfully astonished way that makes you glow from the inside out.

That moment was lovely and I can't wait for it to happen again- for real this time. The man will love me fully, and I will love him, too. I don't think I've ever been in love. But I will be one day soon, and then I can start picturing the moment he sees me carefully descending the stairs in my mother's dream house.

slowly

besides the obvious mile stones, I haven't changed since last year. read this post from Nov. 4 2010. my mindset is basically the same, and I'm still bad at poetry :P

thanks for the comments on the video. you are all so nice to take the time to listen and respond. I only wish I had better news to report back to you.

I went to Charlestown last night with my boyfriend. And then we watched the town, in order to freak us out even more than we were. Charlestown is tons nicer than they make it look in the movie. Or maybe I was in the wrong part. whatever the case, I had fun scaring myself and talking to prep.

I did great on intake yesterday- about 500 and I ran for 30 minutes. It was a good way to jump start the weekend. Today I've had yogurt and toast so far. And I'm proud of myself. I want to get back to being strong enough to water fast for 3 days. that's the goal right now- 72 hours. I've made it 62 before and I literally cried when I ate because I wanted to keep going. But I was getting close to the fainting stage and I was way too scared to carry on. But this time I will do it, I'll just sleep the last 10 hours of the fast or something. Not sure when I want to start it, but hopefully before Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Enjoy the sunshine!

pausing