twice in one day I was tempted to blow my cover and scream that I struggle with disordered eating. sometimes it's so frustrating to live in secret.
in my class we were talking about blogging and some kid was talking about how he had almost 500 pageviews since he started his blog this summer. I rolled my eyes and was tempted to mention my nearly 7,000 since January. he probably doesn't have any followers. (I love you guys, by the way. have I told you I love you lately? because I do.)
then my roommates were talking about girls with eating disorders. the one was talking about her friend who did some extreme diet and then snapped out of it. "I know sometimes its a disorder, but sometimes they're just being stupid," she said. I wanted to scream that some people are "being stupid" because every part of their brain is absorbed by self loathing and obsessive calorie counting.
i wish i were thin for a lot of reasons. and i'll add this to the list: so people would take my internal sufferings seriously and not push it off as just another girl with poor self-esteem.
from the confessions about eating disorders tumblr page:
33270) No one believes you unless you never ever eat, are severely underweight, and have your problems coming out of your ears for them to see. You know, sometimes the least likely people are the most mentally ill.
Hi to a fellow Jackie!! I have had friends say some of the same things to me. If you would just try harder, things would be better. I am in a better place than I was two years ago but I am not recovered. And I still have days where I restrict. It is a daily struggle. Thanks for your post. I wish others could read it and understand.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this all the time. Its really hard being a disordered eater at a normal weight. You're easily dismissed by everyone, including yourself. Weight loss is merely validation that you're finally just as sick as you feel inside.
ReplyDeleteThis shit is tough, and getting help is hard. I know I'm not strong enough to get treatment, but then again some people know I have an eating disorder. If there is someone you would feel comfortable telling (even if its just your doctor, you're 18 so it would be confidential) try it out. It may take loads off.
Sometimes blogging about it just isn't enough.
<3 you. I'm here to talk anytime.
Oh, I hate when people think that people with eating disorders are just being stupid. It makes me want to punch them. I wish I could put them in my misery, where every waking moment is consumed by thoughts of food and fatness and insecurity, where I can't sleep at night because I have to try on a hundred outfits to see what I will wear tomorrow, where I can't eat anything without feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Let them live like this for a week and then say it's just being stupid. It's not.
ReplyDeleteIt's torment. I wish I could look at food normally, but I can't. None of us can.
That's so true, sometimes the least likely people are the most mentally ill. So true.
urghh, i totally get what you mean. sometimes i feel like i'm in a worse place now, then when i obviously had a problem. as for your roomate, she sounds stupid, she should walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them! hope you're ok, xo.
ReplyDeletei get how it must suck to have an eating disorder. although i get you wish you were thin, i bet you wish you didnt have the eating disorder either.
ReplyDeletebut why do you brag about having so many followers? aren't you just perpetuating your eating disorder by having this blog? you wish you didnt have all these negative thoughts all the time, but then why do you continue them through this online journal?
youre not only addicted to food, but to the attention you get from your disorder, whatever it might be.
i know these thinspos are supposed to be about support for each other, but you're only just making each other's disorders worse. shouldn't you be trying to heal?! IDGI
ReplyDelete