One Down

So I'm back from camp. I'm clean and tired. And incredibly bored and lonely.

Vishwa is busy all weekend. So I don't get to see him. I really wanted to. So I could remember why I like him. When we're apart I doubt everything. but all that doubt goes away when he's there. I feel like Emma Darwin.

I've had a Jesus overdose this week. and I'm back for round two on Sunday night. I think I believe in God but I don't know about the whole answering prayer thing. I really want there to be a heaven, but I'm not sure I'm interested in going. I kind of want it to just be clean and done. That's all I could think about Wednesday afternoon. I just wanted to be gone so badly. Kids and other counselors kept asking me what was wrong. apparently I'm bad at wearing a mask. I told them all that I was tired.

But it's an Appplebee's weekend. AP Euro party!

Smiling

What a great past few days. And I've got a lobster sun burn to prove it. I went to Marin and Dylan's grad parties and hung out with Vishwa for two full days in a row. We went to the water fall in Stockton and to the wing dam and trekked across the river so many times. We went to see Toy Story 3 and went to the diner and smiled the whole time.

Oh, and did I mention? I got my first kiss! I finally leaned in and kissed him. In the sunset on the wing dam. It was magic. If I could hold on to that particular rhythm of heart beat forever I would.

Having his arms around me is perfect. He always wants to hold my hand. Everything is so nice when you don't think about it too much.

But this morning I'm off to camp. So no Vishwa for two and a half weeks. At least that last evening was special. Hopefully I'll be able to post here next weekend, but it might not happen. Now it's goodbye my world, hello camp.

Good Bye I Guess

So I've been dumped. Prateek has basically decided he doesn't want to be my friend any more. He hasn't texted me out of his own free will in a few weeks and he is reluctant ever to say hi to me. When I text him which I hardly do he responds with one or two word answers. It's almost mean.

one reason could be that he is really angry at me for reasons I don't know. I might have done something to piss him off or hurt him bad enough that he wants to just cut me off completely. I don't know. Or he is doing what he said months and months ago which was to cut me off and make me mad at him so it wouldn't hurt so much when he leaves. In that case, which I really wish was true (because then he would care about me) he shouldn't. If he's doing it out of protection this also hurts really bad. One of the things in my life I have a really hard time with is people leaving or fritzing out on me when I most need them. I try to trust people and I give them everything but they always let me down. I thought Prateek was different, but I guess not.

I told him I wanted to see him sometime this week to hang out one last time before I leave and he moves. but then he acted like he really didn't want to. He said he would but he was so sassy about it and so reluctant. I lied and told him I'm busy when he asked about coming to see me.

Maybe I'm over reacting. That's completely a possibility also. And normally I'd call Prateek with this sort of issue and get some support since he is my guy and my most sturdy shoulder to lean on, but he doesn't want that anymore. He doesn't want me anymore.

Ribbit ribbit

Last night I went to Vishwa's house to watch Lost. We watched one episode then ended up watching the Princess and the Frog since we're such cool kids. We were up in his bed room since he has a projector on his wall. I felt like such a slut laying on his bed. I've only known him for a few months and we've been dating for only two weeks. We haven't even kissed yet. I don't know if what I did was totally inappropriate or not. But teenagers are supposed to break rules right?

The more I think of it the worse I feel. Am I so selfish I won't let him kiss me or touch me how he wants? I know my dad and other Christians say to be modest and take things slow, but the media and everything influencing him says to go for it and that a guy can do what ever he wants with a girl. I don't know. On the one hand I want a really special first kiss and on the other I don't want to be a prude. I don't know if he's right for me either. But maybe all high school relationships are this awkward. I guess it all leads back to the fact that I still can't believe Vishwa likes me at all.

I was sitting with my arms around my knee so as not to look slutty and pretty soon his arms were around me and had my head on his shoulder. Then I was looking up and he had his cheek to mine like back when we were dancing. I love his stubble. It's prickly but for some reason I like it a lot. He kissed my cheek a few times but I never gave him a good opportunity to kiss me. At one point I was smiling and he said "you have the most obnoxious smile on your face right now. I love it. It's cute." and I hid my face and blushed looked at him and he looked back. I put my head on my arm and he kissed my forehead.

He didn't kiss me, but I got something better. He put his cheek to mine and held me. He kissed my cheek and he had his hand over mine. He kissed my neck and I was so happy. I didn't ever want it to end, but of course it did. At midnight I turn into a pumpkin. Like Cinderella I'll always have that magic to remember.

Miscombabulated

I went to look for jobs with Prerna today and Prateek came along. Vishwa was in Philly taking his placement tests. I missed him a lot surprisingly. Less stress but I'm really starting to like him a lot. He's so sweet to me and I love it when he holds my hand. And when he does that hug with his scratchy beard against my cheek. I think thanks to him I will forever find stubble attractive.

But he weighs a hundred and twenty pounds. I weigh more than that. I could crush him. I should lose weight or something but I'm not motivated enough to do anything. I'm a bum. with a big bum.

So back to how I love that sort of hug from behind. Prateek did that a few times today and he kept holding my hand when his sister wasn't looking. when we were in the Bose theater thing watching a sales pitch I lay my head on his shoulder and I held his hand. he stroked my hand with his thumb. Then we were in Bass and I was sad. He hugged me that way and put his cheek to mine and I cried a little bit. when he did that a bit later in peddlers, Prerna said to him, you know she has a boy friend right? I was so suddenly sad. I love him. Not just as a brother any more. but he's leaving and I don't want to kiss him and cry for him.

But I really like Vishwa. A lot. I just feel like we're not right. but I have so much fun with him and there's no sister complication. Prateek is the man I've always wanted to marry, but Vishwa's the unexpected light in my life. What do I do?

That and I was basically cheating on Vish today. I wish I wasn't such a flirt... this would all be so much easier if there were only one guy. but there are several. I'm a slut. I may not be pretty, but I might as well get a tramp stamp.

Hopefully when Prateek moves and Matt is gone over the summer everything I felt for them will be gone. Then I can focus on Vishwa and having a good time even though I look awful in a bathing suit. And then Vishwa will go to college and I will be lonely and miserable but at least not having to choose between multiple guys. I'll go back to my nun status. Well. One can at least hope right?

Lightening

I hear them calling
Bells that signal something
Is it my white dress?
Am I late for class?

I wore a size 10 red dress
and he wore a red tie to match
I wish I had been size 2
and that I hadn't turned my cheek

You are going away
I dreamed of crying in your arms
and of you going far
of me alone again

I had a vision of a flood
my eyes were closed but I knew


I write P texts that I will never send. I feel things so strong sometimes it hurts. Other times I can't feel anything at all.

I wanted to scream at him that I hated being his token of redemption. But I couldn't send it because I love him. I will miss him so much, maybe more than I anticipate. I hope I can forget him and any love I ever felt for him, just like I started to forget my mother. This time I shouldn't dig up the feelings again though. The less I think of her (and him) the less it will hurt.

I dreamed of running to his house in the rain and coming in the front door and crying and he hugged me so tight. and I sobbed into his chest and he ran his fingers through my hair. He kissed my cheeks and wiped away the tears with the side of his thumb. I don't know who he was. I thought it was Prateek at first, but it didn't look like him. Maybe it was God or maybe it was my angel. I so badly need an angel.