dirty talk

After I wrote that last blog post, I took 3 strong laxatives and then went to dinner where I ate my vegetables and drank my water and moved my food around. It was depressing to know that some people can eat and feel confident that they will still be loved in the morning.

Then I told my friends I wouldn't go out with them, I was staying in to read my assignments and go to sleep early. Of course they pulled me out again with them. I always end up going out when I tell myself I won't.

The bar was fun, like usual, it was crowded and the Americans were loud and the Dutch were quiet and watchful. The boys wait for us to start talking to them and then they buy us drinks. But last night, there was one guy who actually pursued me. Like for real. As if I was actually worth the effort. I was watching his friend play the slots game, and he came over and started telling me about how he always plays and always loses. Then we flirted, which for me is basically smiling, asking questions in a higher-than-normal-pitched voice, and making eye contact when I twirl around dancing with my friends. He touched me a lot; my hair, my waist, my hands. He whispered dirty things in my ear and tried several times to buy me drinks.

One of our student affairs guys (kind of like camp counselors but for study abroad) was there buying everybody beer and shots, and this afternoon he asked me if I went home with the guy. I told him no, and the student affairs guy said, "good, they are like the lions waiting for prey."

I drank only one beer, but I threw up three times when I got home. I think it's because I mixed alcohol with the laxies. I don't know. Plus there was the normal laxies problems in the morning.

I'm still pretty sad, but I think I'm going to find new people here. I need new people, because these girls make me feel even more terrible than I already do.

immature

Is it really bratty that I'm literally living in a castle and I'm still feeling sad? yeah. I think it is.

Today I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry. And I still feel like I want to just sob. I'm surrounded by people who love me, and still I feel so alone and sad.

One of my friends here is very honest. And very full of herself. All she likes to do is get drunk and talk to boys. Last time we went out 3 different boys bought me drinks. 1 boy bought her 2 drinks, and she brags about it all the time. Once she told the story at a breakfast table, and when I added that boys had bought me drinks as well, she added "well, it's not that hard to get a guy to buy you a beer."

Anyway. Whatever, minor annoyances. Today she told me she didn't really mind where I went on travel weekend, I should go meet some new people. I started to cry, and ducked into another part of the store we were in. I knew she likes our other roommate Leah much better than me, but now I feel like she'd just rather not have me around at all.

Saying and thinking things like that are so juvenile, and I know that. But still I can't help feeling that way anyways. Maybe I'm just not mature enough to move on and be confident enough to do my own thing.

The European scale says I weigh 66 kg. That's 145, so at least I haven't gained any weight. But I want to be below 60 kg by the time I leave this place. I think this regime will start with not drinking as much alcohol and replacing some of my carbs at meals with plain black tea.

nederlands

Dutch food is weird. there is a lot of potatoes and meat for dinner, bread and cheese for lunch, and egg and toast for breakfast. plus a lot of cheese and chocolate spreads. in short, many many carbs. but luckily the portions are smaller, which makes self-control a lot simpler.

And I get to walk a lot here. At least everyday we go on a 30 minutes or more walk. It is really nice, and so scenic!

this is me in my hat and coat

these are pictures of the castle I live in

an almost kiss

My friend and I have this tradition. When ever we're home for break from college, we choose a night and hang out. We park out cars in a parking lot near a shopping center and just walk around the block for hours. It's one of my favorite parts of school vacations.

Last night, he texted me and we met at our usual spot. I was so happy to see him and we talked about a lot of  things, as usual. We like to mix important issues with really really silly things. that's one of the many parts of our friendship that I love.

We ended up holding hands and dancing this time, which felt natural and fun. All night we had been flirting, but it's always that way between us. We're always touching and play fighting and messing around. And then he looked at me funny, and asked if it would be okay if he kissed me. I said no.

A little back story. In high school, we were really good friends. We had most of the same classes and were always together on group projects. Plus, our last names are close alphabetically, so we were always seated together and put in the same home room.

By the middle of ninth grade, I already had a huge crush on him. I even wrote him a letter confessing my crush, but I never sent it. He had several girlfriends and flings and whatever else, and they never ended well. See, when he likes a girl, they become his whole world. Of anyone I know, I think he is the person that loves people with the most passion and devotion. But then quick as it started, he loses interest or she does, and it's over. Sometimes, it was really hard to watch, cause for a little while after he seemed a little heartbroken. 

I was ugly in high school. I was chubby and I didn't know how to dress or do my hair or make-up. I said all the wrong things and was either stone quiet and sad or hyperactive and spazzy. Basically, not the type of girl that guys would get a crush on. 

I didn't say no rudely, I don't think. I looked at him and paused, and then I said, very gently, "I don't think that's a very good idea." Then he quickly said, "it's just something that I regret not doing in high school."

Part of me thinks that he only said that to save his ego, that he really does like me, and me saying no hurt him. But the other part of me believes him, that at some point he did return the feelings I had for him then.

There are a lot of reasons I said no to that kiss. He had just broken up with his girl friend (who actually sort of looks like me, except she's prettier) and we're both leaving to study abroad this week. And he's in ROTC, a whole other bundle of issues. The biggest reason, though, is it would have made our friendship a bit awkward. Of course there's this question in my mind still, that maybe it would have been fine. Maybe I should have just been braver and just kissed him.

But considering his track record with girls, I think it's better that I didn't. That way if we both really do like each other down the road, we'll have a real shot at a relationship. And I would love that more than anything.

21 day habbit

it takes 21 days to make a habbit. I want the habbit of only eating when I'm hungry. And I want it to be only healthy foods, no carbs. but doesn't that sound impossible?

I have a problem where if I think of a food I can't get it out of my head until I get to eat it. and the food can be decided by anything- a commercial, passing by a certain window, a book. it doesn't really matter, that food becomes the finish line and I will do anything to get there. a few days ago that food was these chips I saw in the grocery store. I went in to buy trail mix, but I saw these chips and literally couldn't leave the store without them. rationally, I was telling myself to put them back and go do something to distract myself. but I couldn't help it.

this feeling happens with other things as well, like taking a nap or getting to a certain place or having a certain item of clothing. it's like a tunnel vision. that's the only thing I want and I need to have it. and if I don't get whatever I wanted I get really sad, like I wasted the whole day or week because I didn't have this one thing or experience.

I want to get rid of this tendency. I would like to just eat when I'm hungry, eat healthy food, and not be obsessive over it. this way I can get back to doing other things. I won't have to battle in the kitchen, I can just kick ass in the gym, lose a ton of weight, and be really fucking happy.

scheming

let's plan today. it's 10am already, but whatever, I just woke up. (winter break- holla!!)

I want to knock at least 3 things off my to do list. plus this:
b- oj (x)
l- 2 apples (x)
d- steak and green beans (300)
s- gatorade (80)
total- 380

workout- 30 minutes pilates focusing on abs, 30 minutes pilates focusing on glutes, 1 hour biking

should be good. right?

also, I'm going grocery shopping today. I have to get ingredients to make a cake for a family gathering this weekend. normally, I'd take this as an opportunity to buy a whole lot of foods that I know basically only I would ever eat. but I'm leaving for europe in 6 days, so I'm not really going to bother. I'm gonna buy enough fruit and veg for me the next week, and probably some chicken and shrimp. a girl needs her protein, alright?

and just so we're all acountable here, yesterday looked like this:
l-grapefruit (x), tortilla with peanut butter (260)
d- chicken with basil and lime (120), rice with lime (100)
total- 480 (SUCCESS)
and for workouts I just did a lot of squats and leg lifts. my legs are really sore this morning

i love dancing in the grocery store

my dad has a lifetime membership to LA Fitness for like $20 per year. Isn't that ridiculously awesome? I went to LA Fitness today and it was pretty good. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes doing arms on the resistance equipment, and another 30 minutes running/jogging on the treadmill. I was actually really proud of myself for my endurance, considering how little I've run in the past four months.

there was this girl there who was a total "gym bunny" at the gym. you know the type. coordinated outfit, designer sports bra, wear full make up and curls her ponytail. that girl. so this girl was dressed in black tight capri workout pants, a neon pink sports bra, black tank top, neon pink LOVE PINK hoodie, neon pink head band, and neon pink and black nikes. she came with her guido boyfriend and did squats in front of him while he did shoulder presses. I don't know why it irritated me so much, maybe it was jealousy, but I really couldn't stand her presence, even in that massive gym.

however, I totally failed SGD today. I just broke, I was way too hungry, and my sister is too cute. she asked very sweetly if we could go out to breakfast together this morning, so I said yes. I know I could have ordered something with no carbs if I tried, but I was so ravenous and single-minded that I got blueberry pancakes instead. then we also split an order of pork roll. (and it was so damn delicious)

then after my workout, I failed again. what is wrong with me? I went shopping for 3 hours, but didn't buy anything because I looked fat in every item I chose. it sucked. I was feeling really low so I bought an greek yogurt, a diet tea, and some rice chips. I know. I suck. of course, being my terrible binge-y self, I ate everything plus some of the cookies in the cabinet at home.

this day added up to 1458 calories, minus the 610 for the gym for a grand total of 848. yeah. twice my SGD limit for today.

tomorrow is 500 calories. I can do that. especially if I focus on eating only fruit and vegetables, and drink lots of hot water to feel full. I have three days left of a free tril membership to the fancy LA fitness gym, so I might go again. but it's a long drive, so more likely I'll be biking or running with my dog.

side note: how is she red haired and still has her skin that tan? how? what's her secret?

I'm really hungry though...

here's the strange part. I feel simultaneously like a failure for having eaten like I did yesterday (even if it was before I decided to do SGD again) and like a champion for all the crazy cardio I did last night
I am so sore!!!

today (day 2)
b-1/2 grapefruit (x)
l-walnuts (90)
d-chicken, applesauce (190)
s-1/2 grapefruit (x)

my weight this morning was 145.8
tomorrow I would like it to be 145.4, or lower of course
I need to drink more water...

also, looking at thinspo pictures feels a lot better when all you've eaten so far that day was a grapefruit. I worried about keeping up the diet/not gaining a ton in europe because of alcohol and all the temptation of carpe diem. but I think I am fully back to my summer mindset, during which I lost 10 pounds. I then lost an additional 5 since then (pathetically slow progress, but at least it's not a gain...) and if I go back to my summer drive, I can definitely lose another 20 this semester. I can do this I can do this I can do this

as for exercise, I went on a 45 minute hike with my puppy, and I did a few ab workout videos online. the goal isn't to make myself die with sore muscles, but it might happen anyway.
tomorrow I think it's time to break out the weights!

freaking out

all that bullshit I've been writing about not going on a diet? yeah. that's over. I don't know why but I suddenly feel sickeningly huge. I think it's time to do SGD again.

there isn't going to be a scale in europe, so I figure I can surprise myself when I get back with all the weight I've lost. (at least that's the version I'll tell myself. in reality I'm panicking at the thought of not being able to weigh myself everyday three times a day)

currently I weigh 146. there are nine days until I leave for europe, and by the last time I weigh myself I MUST weigh 143. (I know I lose very slowly)

foods I can eat:
-grapefruit, clementine, tangerine, orange
-apple, grapes, berries
-lettuce, onion, carrot, celery
-chicken, lean beef, fish, shrimp, crab, lean pork, turkey
-olive oil
-peanuts, almonds, walnuts, cashews
-greek yogurt
-unsweetened tea
-chicken soup (no noodles), chili
x NO PROCESSED CARBS (which includes sugar, ladies)

and for those of you who forget (or have never been self-hating enough to go on the SGD) it goes like this:
-you must do 30 minutes of cardio per day
-fruit and vegetables do not count towards daily calories
-any extra calories must be burned off in cardio

So if we count today as day one:

b-grapefruit (x)

l- pasta with oil and cheese (440), sweet tea (120)

s-pretzels (80)

d- small helping of chicken &veggie stir fry (200)

total- 840

and today is supposed to be 400, so I'm going to have to burn 440 calories in cardio.... that's a lot. (and just to whine a little bit, it's really cold outside, so it's really going to suck if I want to do anything on my bike or running or jump roping. maybe I'll do zumba in my room?)

idk how I'm gonna do this today, but I'll be so much better tomorrow since I'm thinking about it.

the point is though, I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to be my summer goal of 125 by the time I get home in April. (we'll see how challenging that will be in europe) and then over the summer I'll keep at it and look super hot when I go back to boston in the fall. 

goals:

-Jan. 16 143

-Apr. 17 125

-Jun. 12 113

-Sep. 1 108

and hopefully by my goal weight I'll also have been working enough to be able to afford new clothes. I know I've made lofty goals like this in the past and failed, but this time I want it more. and I know to save my calories for when I'll be eating with people or when we go out for drinks.

also, another motivation for this, my roommate next year weighs no joke like 85 pounds, so now I'll at least be a little bit closer to being able to share clothes with her. she's naturally very small with a small frame, and I think if I worked really hard, I could be smaller than my sister who has a medium frame.even though I'm way fatter, we're still close to the same size with all her muscle.

wish me luck in my burn-a-thon tonight. I'm going to need it.

screen time

I spent all day yesterday online shopping. Besides walking the dog and getting up to eat a grapefruit and pasta with my family, I didn't get off the computer. Normally, I spend quite a lot of time on the computer, maybe between 2 and 4 hours. But I wouldn't call that unhealthy, because a lot of it is for school and work reasons. But yesterday was like 9 hours. Yeah. That's a lot of screen time.

At one point I was looking for backpacks and watching a TV show at the same time. Did anyone else see the HGTV dream home? It's freaking gorgeous!!! And it's in South Carolina. I've always wanted to be a southern belle. But maybe I ought to work on just being a belle before I start moving my life south bound.

The reason I spent 9 hours on the computer is that I was having a panic attack about shopping for my study abroad trip to Europe. I realized that I only have two weeks to go and that if I wanted to order anything online my window for free shipping is quickly closing.  So far I've bought a "sleep sack," (which is like a very thin sleeping bag to use where there are really grubby sheets in a hostel) an anorak jacket for spring weather, and a large backpack.

I spent around three hours looking for shoes, but ended up not getting any at all. Then, when I went to Marshall's with my dad, I found the perfect pair right away. Figures, huh? I was so surprised I had to try them on like 4 different times just to make sure I wasn't imagining that I actually liked the look of comfortable and practical shoes.

The one up-side to being extremely lazy is that you don't get hungry. So it's pretty easy to skip meals and not even notice it. Today for example, I had grits with cheese for breakfast at like 10am (not super healthy, but trust me, they're very good) and then a bit of steak and a small salad at 6pm. Low calorie day! But I know I need to eat more protein and less carbs. I've kind of given up on being under 135 for spring break, but I'd at least like to be under that number for summer. If I'm good about my diet when I'm abroad, I know I can do it. Especially with all the walking we'll be doing. I think the main problem calorie-wise is going to be alcohol. But there's really no realistic scenario in which I'll be drinking low calorie in Europe. C'est la vie.

Had I mentioned before that I will be studying abroad in Europe this semester? I will be living four days a week in a castle in the Netherlands, and then Friday-Sunday traveling to different countries in the EU. A lot of my good friends are going to be on the trip as well, which is the biggest blessing. But for right now, I'm getting very anxious about packing and preparing for this trip. I have several notebooks of check lists, and I'm obsessively reading travel guides. Wish me luck and sanity.