oh la la

Ma amie de la France arrivera demain. Elle s'appelle Joannie. Je suis nerveux parce que mon francais n'est pas bon. mais, Joannie at moi avons parle depuis 2009, ansi je sais qu'elle est une fille gentille.  Mon pere et ma famille  sommes tres hereaux, mais mon pere veux que le maison est super nettoyage. Nous allons avoir de plaisir et j'ai prepare pour une longtemps.


My pen pal from France comes tomorrow. Her name is Joannie. I'm nervous because my french isn't good. but, Joannie and I have been talking since 2009, so I know she's a nice girl. My dad and my family are very excited but my dad wants the house super clean. We will have fun and I have been planning for a long time.

Anyway. onto all my boy issues :P

I had a nice day today. ate too much, but it was a good day despite that. I am so in love with boy. It's as if he's this whole other world I can just disappear into. He takes away all the parts of me that hate my body and is so lonely I want to cry all day long. He makes me happy. Tonight we went pretty far physically. I thought that at this point I would be freaking out and want to get out of the relationship, but I'm fine. I was lying there in his  lap after everything and he whispered that he loved me. He said it before, but it just felt so complete this time. I just wish I had a few more days to disappear into him before Joannie comes.

And then there's the college issue. I'm leaving in a few weeks. that means things are going to be over between the two of us. I don't know if I can deal with that. I feel like I'll never find this happy place again without him. that sucks.

ciao, mes chers

not so fabulous

I threw up this morning. ew. And I had awful diarrhea. soo gross. So I watched sex and the city and ate nothing and drank ginger ale. what a fabulous day.

I'm going out tonight, since I feel like I'll have wasted the day without doing so. I'm seeing the track coach at a local concert and then seeing the boyfriend afterwards. Hopefully I don't look as sick as I feel :P

Boy will be home tomorrow

...and I can't wait!!! love that kid <3

I had a big lunch yesterday, a chicken panini with fries. and then chocolate cake for dessert. but! that's all I ate all day so I feel a little better. I was out for lunch with my girl friends for someone's birthday. it was nice to see them, but I ended up eating more than I wanted to. like 850 cal :/ when I'm happy I think I eat too much. but then again I do that when I'm sad or lonely too. ahh emotions... they have a way of making me fat.

I went swimming with my brother's friends yesterday. It was really fun. (and I got to burn some of my lunch off!) I love his one friend, this girl called Birdie. and she seriously is a bird. She's the skinniest little thing you ever saw but she eats like the boys she hangs out with. Plus she's hysterically funny so she's a whole barrel of fun to be with. I hope my brother and her end up falling in love so she can be my sister :)

Then I had my doctor's appointment. blehhh. I was 62.7 inches and 137.4 pounds. And then the stupid doctor had the gall to give me a speech about the freshman 15. She was like "you've lost over 10 pounds since I last saw you in February. That's great, but you'll probably gain it all back in freshman year."  ughhh. I hate her. And she's sending me to a stupid dermatologist cause of my mum. I hate doctors!! And I think you guys were right about the doctor scale. I had my clothes on so I was probably more like 135. whatever. screw her.

I'm at the house of my favorite family in the world right now. I had granola for breakfast (ah well, can't always win.) and I'm hoping to get away with a super light lunch. then I'll be home after dinner. So hopefully this will be around 600 calories today.

much love to all of you, darlings!

ps- if you have settings to keep out under 18's, please take them down. I miss reading your blogs since the new setting went up

it's my 17 summer

Okay first thing's first:

ELLIE GOULDING WAS AMAZING!!!

I had such an amazing time at the concert! We had no trouble getting there and the crowd was the hipster college-age girl type. So nothing was crazy. annnddd Ellie was fabulous. Seriously, if possible she's even more fantastic in live. Now I understand why Duchess Kate wanted her at her wedding :) Oh yeah, and did I mention? She's so freaking hot. Like, I'm not into girls that way, but I'd go gay for her. She's got the best bod, and she sings, and she dances, and another plus- the cutest accent ever. So adorable! I'm def putting her at the top of my thinspo list. 

okay. gushing love paragraph to ellie over. 

Luckily I managed to eat only one of my friend's chicken fingers and some watermelon yesterday. Plus I think I danced more than that's worth off at the concert. It all worked out really well. and I think all the excitement of seeing Ellie made me not so hungry, cause I didn't feel it all day.

Today I have a surprise lunch for a friend's birthday and a doctor's appointment. so sorta a good day, sorta not. The good thing is, I can see lot's of girls I haven't seen all summer and I get to find out my real weight. The bad is that I'm gonna find out my weight. as you can see, I'm half dreading/half excited for the big official scale at the doctor's office :/

comments:

thank you all for your lovely comments of support and excitement!

A Girl With Skinny Intentions: oh my gosh I saw your blog and thought the same thing! haha it's great having someone with the same goal so we can help keep each other on track. 

americaneagle: I missed you too! thanks for saying that about my blog! I feel all warm and fuzzy now :) I hope you're feeling better today and for all your days to come you deserve happiness.

all who mentioned my coach: yeah.. I thought about that too. But he's 35, so I don't think that's gonna work out. He's one of those awkward but really sweet guys who I flirt with to get stuff out of (which really worked out in my favor this time around hahaha). I know it sounds bitchy, but it's one of those things I've learned to do to a) get stuff (like one did some of my french homework for me or the guy at the library always waives my fines) and b) feel pretty. judge me if you must, but I'm really nice about letting them down easy, so I don't think it's a huge deal. 

Ellie Goulding- what what?!

My track coach, who I've been flirting with since February, gave me the best thing I've gotten in a long time last night. I have (oh my god, I can't believe I can say this!) 2 tickets to see Ellie Goulding in Philly tonight!!! I'm like jumping out of my skin with excitement. I LOVE her music. She's amazing. And I can take my friend who's also obsessed with her. this is gonna be the best night ever <3

the guy who gave them to me, my track coach, couldn't go cause his friend bailed on him. And he didn't want to go alone so he gave me the tickets for free. I am so excited!!! I guess all that flirting payed off...

So plan today is about the same as yesterday. Don't eat until I have to. Hopefully I can make it under 400.

much love,

jax

ps- thank you for all the comments recently. I feel so loved <3

Okay girls, new plan

So I've been watching BBC specials about journalists trying all these diets and getting down to size double zero. I need to get back on track. I need to be 118 by the time school starts on August 30th. that's only 15 pounds... possible? I think yes.

I'm fasting til 7 pm. then I'm gonna have an apple and 35 cal cheese. I can do this.

I think I can I think I can I think I can...

***EDIT***

I ate at 5 pm instead of 7. but that's okay, it's still a 22 hour fast even if I was hoping for 24. my family ate dinner early and I ended up with no excuse to get out of it.

breakfast

   tea- 15

dinner

   chicken- 100

   milk- 125

   rice- 120
total- 360

only 1 month till my birthday

I've missed you all dearly. hopefully someone out there is still interested in what I have to say

just a little bit lonely

I'm home alone right now. My dad went away for a two day fishing trip with my brother and my sister is with friends. So I had a Grey's Anatomy marathon and did lots of sittups. I am soooo fascinating, I know. It was really stressful being home alone last night, though. I was so freaked out by every teeny noise in the house and all the little things I never really think about. I hate my irrational anxiety.

I also can't read almost anyone's blogs because of their settings that under 18's can't read. it's so annoying and I can't figure out how to change it. can anyone help?

I just ate my feelings

unfortunately, I have a lot of them.
:/

Sorry I've been gone so long. I missed this, and I missed all you lovely ladies (if anyone even reads this anymore...)

so the past few weeks, in a nutshell:

• I've eaten a lot
• but luckily, I've also exercised a lot
• I got sick at camp and had an excuse to not eat
• and then threw everything else up without lifting a finger
• but I got better before the end of the week
• I went to the beach
• and used my fair skin as an excuse to not take off my shirt
• I was chewed alive by boy's parents
• but still managed to find time to make him say
• "I love you"
• I'm not sure how much that has to do with the bj
• yeah.... about that
• (I can't believe it either)
• and when I came home, I was 132

btw- follow my tumblr. I'm much better at keeping up with that than this lately.

I'm back to blogging so binges like the one that just happened (involving reeses and ramen noodle and popcorn... ugh) don't repeat. hopefully I still have that familiar support. 

love,

Jax