uncomfortable ramblimgs

Emma Watson is 5'4 and weighs 110 pounds. This means her BMI is 18.9. I am 5'2, so if I wanted to be the same BMI as Emma, I'd have to be 103.5 pounds.

Could you imagine if I looked like Emma? I'd be so much more beautiful if I could only become more like her.

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday where I was tested for all these diseases and given a script for birth control. I plan to start it today so that it'll start working as soon as possible.

I'm worried that I'm changing myself too much for this guy I'm seeing. He convinced me to cut my hair, something I had no desire to do. He also convinced me to go on birth control, another thing I didn't want. I also smoke far more than I used to and speak in a way I never have before.

Am I that silly girl who changes shape just to fit in someone's arms a little more comfortably? Sadly, I'll happily answer 'yes' if it means I end up under 130 pounds by July.

today:
2 pancakes (440)
1 glass oj (112)
30 minutes bike ride (-101)

I got my haircut on Saturday, about 8 inches off. Then I wasn't happy with it, it was an awkward length. So this afternoon I cut more off. But I'm not sure if I like it.

This morning I weighed in at 141.4. It's so frustrating that only 3 days ago I was at 139.4. Why does my weiht have to bounce around like this? Why can't it just go steadily downwards like I want it to?

Lonely

I'm with this guy. He's really sweet to me and constantly tells me how beautiful I am. It's wonderful to be around him. But on Saturday night we had sex without a condom and he didn't pull out. I was so freaked out! He was totally nice and took me to get the morning after pill. I almost cried when I took it, it just felt so wrong and terrible.

He feels bad, like it's his fault. But really it's both of our faults and I don't blame him at all. Despite that, I still feel terrible, and the worry over getting pregnant is making me crazy. I know there's almost no chance but... you know. It's still scary.

I wish it weren't true, but the whole ordeal makes me feel extremely lonely. I don't really have people I want to talk to about it, and I feel awful telling the guy. I don't want him to feel guilty. I scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood, but I'm scared to go. What if it's really scary there? I'm so nervous.

The one great thing about all this is that I'm eating less and I've gotten down to the 130's again, the first time I've seen those numbers since 2011. I'm hoping by July I'll be solidly in the 120's. I know that sounds slow to you guys, but I've always been slow to lose, even with lots of diet and exercise.

Wish me luck, lovelies.

Don't judge

Did I mention that I've taken up smoking cigarettes? I never really smoked, except when drunk before I went to Europe. Then it was just always around so I just kind of assimilated. I wasn't like a peer pressure thing, it just felt socially right.

Anyway. I smoke around a pack every two or three weeks, which is like less than 1 a day. Though most of the time I don't smoke unless I'm at work on my break with my coworkers or out with this guy I like who smokes. (Side note: smoking after sex is like, the best thing ever. I don't know why even non-smokers don't just exclusively smoke after having sex. It's the best high in the world, smoking and melting into each other in the after-glow. It's magic.)

I'm hoping its going to help me in this new anti-carb regime. Whenever I get that crazy binge feeling, I just go have a quick smoke, and it mostly clears up. I'm also trying chewing gum and hot tea, but smoking has been most effective.

Basically, I need to pull out all the stops if I want to look hot in a Halloween costume this year.

that urgent feeling

Every few months my thoughts of losing weight and finally being skinny start to feel urgent. Like a panic, and I have to lose 5 pounds by next week.

I spent a long time last night thinking of every off-beat diet I could call to mind while I was trying to fall asleep. I think I'm going to do this one I read about years ago. I don't remember all the specifics, but basically you try to eat as many natural fats as you can (olive oil, nuts, fish, eggs, etc.) and stay under 800 calories a day. It's supposed to help your body burn more fat or something.

So what I'm going to do is a diet based on that. I'm going to just try to cut out as many carbs and sugars as possible and focus on getting tons of healthy fats, proteins, and non-starch vegetables as possible. I also love greek yogurt, so I'm going to let myself have that, too. The hard part is going to be family dinner. We have a lot of pasta and bread and rice. Maybe I'll just start cooking (lol I'm a terrible cook.)

I read through my blog posts from last summer. I'm glad I was so dedicated to working out, I feel like it gave me a good base of muscle. Also, I'm starting out almost 15 pounds less than I did last summer, so I actually managed to lose a little weight and keep it off apparently  Of course, I wish I had been better through the winter so I would have been thinner now, but I have to be thankful for what I've got.

I might have to go to work today, but if I don't I think I'll mow the lawn and take my dog for a run. She loves to run and it tires her out for the rest of the day. If I do end up going to work I'll bring yogurt and a bag of walnuts with me to have for lunch/snack.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. I'm sort of seeing this guy, though our relationship is mostly sex. And I'm working two jobs and keeping up with a few hobbies and seeing friends. It's nice to be busy like this.

May is half way through

All week I've been seeing this man I met at a bar. I'm underage, but I go to sip water and listen to the brave guitarists go up to play their songs one by one. My favorite has a scratchy beard and friendly blue eyes. He sings old favorites and originals that have grown to feel familiar. I knew him when he was trying so hard it hurt him, but now he seems to have found the secret to happiness. He looks good and his smile comes easily.

The man I'm seeing is only 6 inches taller than my 5'2, but that's enough height that I still have to look up when he stands close enough to kiss me goodnight. He likes to hold my hand and kisses me when the stoplight turns red.

Last year, he lost 100 pounds, a complete transformation. He looks great now, I don't think I ever would have guessed he had ever been anything but athletic. It makes me ashamed of  my pudgy cheeks and rounded shoulders. If he could lose 100, surely I can find the strength to get rid of 30 pounds or more. What do you think sounds better as an ultimate goal? 115 or 105? Both would be"healthy," I calculated. 

Some days I eat well. A salad for lunch, yogurt for breakfast, chicken and zucchini for dinner. But other days I eat terribly. I have cake for breakfast and chips for lunch, french fries or pizza for dinner. Luckily, those are often also the days I spend 8 hours on my feet waitressing. I need to go back to working on sprints at the high school track, and doing ab workouts each night before bed. I haven't felt properly sore in a long time.

either grey or blue

THE DATE WAS AWFUL

Basically, he's like a total freak of nature. He thinks he's hot shit and totally isn't. I mean, physically he's hot, but he has a terrible personality. Also, he wishes he was still in high school which is just majorly pathetic.

We hung out in this park and it was super awkward and we both knew it. And then he tried to feel me up, which I thought I wanted him to do, but then I freaked out and ran away. Like I looked at him and mumbled something about leaving and then jumped in my car and drove off.

The next half of the night was me sitting in my car alone listening to economics news and staring at the road. Then I went to a burger place where I had a "Greek burger" which was lamb and feta and tsaziki sauce. It was delicious, but I had around a quarter of it and threw it out. Minus points for the emotional eating, but plus points for throwing out most of the meal.

I weigh 142 pounds still, and my goal for June 1 is 138. If I get on some sort of exercise regime I know it's totally possible.

Also, I have this idea in my head now about taking a trip across the country. The reasonable thing to do would be to road trip in a car, but I'm kind of thinking about biking. Wouldn't that be like crazy hard and a strange thing to do? Maybe I could like couch surf.. I dunno. Or maybe I'll find a job online in a new city and just bike there. That could be fun!

This morning I woke up and baked muffins (I ate two of them, even though they're 380 calories each and now I've already had 800 calories and it's only 3pm. sigh) and then tried on all the dresses in my closet while watching HBO's Girls. Yeah. Watching other people who actually have friends is kind of depressing, but at least it's a distraction from this miserable summer.

I hate summer. Yeah, there's no school, but there's also a ton of loneliness. And it can't just be solved by walking down the street to a friend's place. No. You have to organize plans and communicate. If this is any indication of my adult life, I want no part in this. It sucks.

Wanna see some selfies of me in the outfit I landed on after trying on everything I own? Playing dress up is so much fun. (please excuse my messy living space.)

I've owned this dress forever, but I've never actually worn it. Probably because if you lean down even a little bit everyone can see your ass. But I wore it with leggings, so I'm totally not a slut. Like the cat eye? I think I'm getting it finally. 

admit it

I can't tell anyone in my real life, so I'm gonna tell you guys. Who ever you all are.

I've been talking to this guy online, and we're planning to meet up tomorrow afternoon. We're going to a public park, so like no need to worry about safety or anything. But like what if it's super awkward? I'm so nervous. I like never go on dates, so an internet date is even more weird.

Also, the most important thing that makes me not be able to tell anyone, he's older than me. Like a lot. He's 32, and I'm 19. We've got more than a decade between us, which makes me kind of feel like it's a date, but it could also be like hanging out with an uncle or a teacher or something.

I dunno.

But I'm going to go. I'm going to meet up with him. I want to see what it would be like to go on a date with someone so clearly inappropriate. And, it'll be a funny confession someday when I'm playing a drinking game. That's a healthy way to look at it, right? Also, there's the allure of possibly kissing someone who actually has a lot of experience with kissing.

One of my worries- and there are many- is what kind of 32 year old is looking to go on a date with a 19 year old? Like, why is that an attractive idea to him? I don't really get it.