Relationships

To those who don't live on the east coast in the US, there was a blizzard here this week. It's basically all anyone can talk about and we've been in snow day lock-down here in Boston. I spent most of the snow holiday drunk and watching tv and hanging out with roommates and friends.

My last post was a giant complaint about feeling awkward and alone. Monday night made me feel very much outside the group. Tuesday night was completely different, though. I went along with some coworkers to a party at my manager's house. We played beer olympics drinking games and drank a lot of whiskey and beer. I threw up in the bathroom on purpose when I felt like I'd had too much, and I think it helped me from losing control completely. Then my manager started handing out Adderall to everyone at the party and like a stupid idiot I took some. I felt nothing at all, so I took another one a few hours later. By 1 in the morning I was super wired and intent on learning Spanish for some reason. I walked home and felt beautifully alive, I couldn't stop talking and doing things.

L, my boyfriend, came over after sledding with his friends in the closed-down streets. "You're acting really weird," he told me. I explained the amphetamines and he laughed. He had been smoking pot with his buddies and was tired and relaxed. Me, on the other hand, I was talking a mile a minute about anything and everything. Hours passed in what felt like mere minutes and soon it was four o'clock in the morning. 
What was simple in the moonlight by the morning never is. 

I told him things I've never told him before. That I have intense guilt about my body and not being pretty enough for him (that was humiliating to say out loud.) That when we met online I was going through a weird phase and didn't even really know what I was getting into when we took a chance on meeting in real life. He said from my profile I seemed lost, like I had stumbled into a world where I didn't belong. He had been sleeping around a lot at that point, too. And I'm sure for a long time after we met. I asked him to please, please sleep around still. "I just want you to feel free, to be happy," I told him. He said he wouldn't, he wants this relationship to be different. Which made me so happy, in a way I wasn't expecting at all. He wants me, for real. He wants to know me and care about my day, he likes having sex with me but he also likes to drink coffee with me and watch the movies I like. I feel special, knowing that now.

My pupils were huge from the drugs and he just wanted me to sleep. So we started drinking, spiced rum this time. Then like an even bigger idiot than I'd already proven myself earlier, I took two hits of a bowl he packed. Alcohol and weed together make me almost immediately violently ill. I ran to go throw up and got all the booze out. Still sick. I tried to lay down and had to keep leaping up to throw up again. Agony. He was sweet about the whole thing, but if the positions were reversed I'd have been so annoyed. I bet he is. In the morning I felt ill, partially from the booze and weed combo and partially from the amphetamines, but we made love all day anyway. "made love." Such a cheesy name for sex. Fucking. Screwing. Sleeping Together. But after all the honesty last night, I'd call it making love. I trusted him more, was more sure of who he is and what we are.

I'll exercise more and eat better and blah blah blah as soon as I'm on my feet again. For now, I have sleep to catch up on.

Flirt

I can hear my roommate having sex with her boyfriend right now. Which is awkward for me since I have a weird tension with him. I think mostly it's just because his primary way of interacting with women is to flirt with them. Actually it's likely both my roommates are having sex right now, both of their boyfriends are here tonight.... yup, just walked down our narrow spiral staircase enough to confirm my suspicion that the other four people in this house are having loud passionate sex at this very moment. In fact they are all crying out with pleasure. Direct quote: "Uh! Uh! Uhhh!"

Yeah. I'd say this moment kind of goes with the key themes of today. It's some sort of insanity that is only brought on by apocalyptical news broadcasts like "Record Breaking Blizzard." I spent the morning making breakfast and chocolate chip cookies with my boyfriend. But we burned them because we were too busy with more important things. Funny thing to explain the hockey puck like things you have to offer as an excuse for the odd burnt smell that's all over the apartment. And then the evening was spent at work for only two and a half hours, a complete waste of the money I spent on transportation getting there.

In the evening I smoked too much and ate too much and drank too much and played cards with my roommates and their boyfriends. Do I post weird stuff when I'm inebriated?

Crowded

The first snow of the year is coming down outside my window; a beautiful, white, train-delaying snowfall. I woke up only minutes ago with that hazy what did I do last night? confusion at the front of my brain. I know I smoked last night, darn it. Did I eat anything after I got back from the party? Oh yes, I remember.

Yesterday's daylight hours were spent napping in a heap on top of my blankets. Then when it was dark out and I was finally awake, I felt the resounding loneliness for the first time. Loneliness, whatever else it is, is always surprising. It sneaks up on me and then with a pang I look around to find no one and start to regret and pity myself. So I walked aimlessly, finally deciding to go sign up at a gym. I've been meaning to do this for ages but yesterday I finally made that awful financial decision. At a price that adds up to more than $2 per day, I better really like this place and use it a lot.

Then I took a meandering loop home, stopping to try on a few sweaters that all make me look huger than I already look and peer into windows. Home again. Alone still. What to do? I pack a few bowls, watch a television show on Netflix, drink decaf coffee. Then I brake the healthy few days I've been having and binge. (greek fro-yo bar, peanut butter, crackers, pretzel twists, nutella) I'm not bursting full but I've ruined my intake for the day. This is why I'm fat, this is why I must give up this awful smoking and eating alone habit. Because of the peanut butter I don't even consider purging, pb is always too painful and difficult to get back up.

A text from my roommate. A party down the street. I get dressed, apply eye shadow and so much cover-up, grab a belgian white beer from the mini-fridge and meet her downstairs in the kitchen. She's already drunk and high, I'm only high and full of food. We walk to the party together, almost getting lost on our way to a place we go all the time. She quickly finds her crush and they disappear together, leaving me to wade through crowds of underclassmen I've never seen before. I feel suddenly old. Upstairs I find the people I know, but I don't want to talk to them either, really. But I stay until 1:30 anyway, simply because I was stalling the lonely walk home when I'd have to pass large raucous groups of boys, stumbling giggling groups of girls, couples pressed up against a brick wall outside a bar. Home again. More tv, more snacks, more shame on me. I finally fall into fitful sleep around 3.

Recognition

First shift back at work, everyone was very excited to see me. It felt almost as if I'd never left, in fact waiting tables has never been easier. I've made fewer mistakes in the last two shifts and gotten a lot of complimentary comment cards, which always feels great. Another big plus- I get tons of steps on my fitbit. Yesterday I got over 16k, my personal best!

Funny/terrible thing happened on the shift last night. I greeted a table in the back of the restaurant and immediately recognized one of the two women. Who is she? Why do I recognize her? And then she started speaking and I realized she was one of the case managers from my eating disorders outpatient program. In fact, she was the one who pushed hardest for me to be removed from the program because I wasn't meeting the attendance requirements. Talk about awkward. When I asked for their drink orders she looked at me and I knew she recognized me, too. Thank goodness she didn't say anything. My heart beat so quickly as I was walking away, my hands were shaking when I poured their two glasses of ice water.

After work my boyfriend met me at my apartment. It was exciting to see him after a full month away. I left on December 20th and flew back yesterday. We talked and when he finally kissed me, it felt like a memory. Sex started slowly, like we were jus getting to know each other again. And it hurt for me, my body is out of practice. After only a little while I had to ask him to stop, and asking made my tears well up. I'm so embarrassed, for ruining what should have been a special reunion, for not living up to his expectations of me. I know he was expecting a hot, steamy, marathon night. Instead I was reduced a shaking crying puddle, nearly sobbing in pain and unable to speak from the humiliation.

I wanted to tell him to cheat on me. Please, sleep with someone prettier, someone with a nice body. Not a pasty, dimpled, lumpy blob like me. Please, cheat on me, you have my permission. I'm a disappointment and I can't live with this guilt.

1/21:
b-black coffee and lemon water
l-pear turkey walnut salad, baguette, iced coffee
s-raspberries
d- (haven't eaten it yet but thinking about some pizza, maybe soup.)
s-beer beer beer

Going to have drinks and sing karaoke tonight with my roomies and school mates. Missed them dearly while I was in Pennsylvania and now I get to be back in their routine.

Chubby Cheeks

Wisdom teeth are out, I definitely feel dumber. Or is it all the narcotics I'm being prescribed?

My face is still puffy and I have a small blue bruise on my left cheek, but other than that I'm actually doing really well. Going under anesthesia was a little nerve wracking, but I barely remember anything. As soon as I made it back to my car I fell asleep again, and then my dad helped me get back to bed. After a 4 hour nap most of the numbness in my mouth was gone and I felt a lot better. I had two bowls of vanilla ice cream and a packet of ramen noodles, not a great intake in terms of nutrition, but whatever. It's a sickie, right? Or at least that's what I tell myself so I won't feel so terrible about my lumpy fat self.

Today I got all my steps in, almost 14,000. My dog Molly and I walked to the local coffee shop where I got a latte. I sipped it from a little beige and brown to go cup on the walk home and it was a little piece of heaven. Why coffee tastes better to me in to go cups I don't know, but it's one of my favorite treats lately.

Thursday, January 15th, 2015

b- mixed berry and banana smoothie

s- latte (w/skim milk)

l- penne and red sauce

d- penne and red sauce and 4oz grilled salmon

Too many carbs today, the only protein I got was from the fish and the milk. Tomorrow hopefully I can chew a bit more so I can have a few more options in terms of food. In the morning I plan on going for a walk with my dog again, maybe some place downtown. Then she has an 11am doggy salon appointment for a haircut and a pedicure. How funny does that sound? But really its because she looks shaggy and her nails are too long and make loud clicking noises on the hard floors. While she's in the salon I'm getting lunch with my Nana and then packing for another ski weekend. On Monday when we get home from the mountain I have to quickly pack again for my return to Boston.

I've really loved being home. It's as if my whole personality has changed back to the person I am within my family. But now I have switch gears and be a good roommate, girlfriend, and waitress again. I'm almost a little sad to be going back, wish I could stay here and find a new job. But I have obligations there; an apartment, a boyfriend, a life. Time for me to get back into the swing of things. 

Another day

When was the last time I got really into blogging? The last time I lived at home? Well this place must do something to drive me here because here I am in my childhood bedroom writing a post on the same blog I've had since 11th grade in high school. I guess my new college degree hasn't really changed much about me after all.

Today's intake was actually pretty okay.
b-coffee and milk
l-chicken sandwich with balsamic, kale, mozzarella and red pepper (so delicious)
d- taco with beef, rice, salsa, lettuce and corn chips

And now I'm fasting until 11am when I have my wisdom teeth surgery. I'm nervous about the pain and how nauseous the pain medication is going to make me. I've never been under but everything makes me nauseous so I just know it's going to be bad. Only up side is that I'll hopefully be on a really low intake the next few days.

Achieved 10,000 steps today as I was supposed to be doing everyday. Now hopefully I can keep this up if I can manage it. More steps plus more strength and flexibility exercises I'm hoping will be able to keep me a bit more balanced. If I can put energy into fitness I'll have more accountability to eat healthily, I'm hoping. Because if my life has been anything, it's been proof that I'm miserable at following a diet.

My little sister hit a deer with our minivan last week so we had a rental car for our vacation. Or should I say rental warship. This car was absolutely massive. We nicknamed the giant white beast "the Yeti", a fitting monicker I think for a Chevy Suburban. I got to drive it only once, but it was like what I imagine steering a sporting boat would be like. Fast, large, wasteful, and fun. Today we had a Jeep Grand Cherokee and I had a great time driving it to go shopping for a new coat. I didn't actually buy one but I did decide on the style I'd like to order online.

Skiing in the bitter cold

On the car ride home from our family ski vacation in Vermont I listened to almost the entire audiobook It Was Me All Along by Andie Mitchell, a memoir about a girl who grows up fat and gets skinny her senior year of college. She was 260 by the time she started losing weight, I'm lucky never to have gotten that big. (but she's really pretty, unlike me. Sometimes very fat girls with pretty faces are preferable to average fat girls with ugly faces. There are somethings hard work cannot fix.) Listening to it, I cried for all the sad parts of my life it reminded me of. And I also felt inspired to make a change in my life, too. Bulimia was awful, but I'm finally done with that now. I throw up occasionally, but EDs don't consume my thoughts the way they used to.

I bought myself a fitbit with my Christmas money. I love it, and it gives me a much better way of tracking my daily calorie burn. It gives stats for how much you're burning with active exercise and how many steps you take, plus how much you've burned just by being alive. It's actually really helpful for getting a realistic picture of how much I should be eating. (Not that I can stick to an intake plan, I feel I have very little rational control over what and how much I eat.) My goal is to take 10,000 steps each day. I've met this goal maybe 5 times in the 15 days I've had the thing. Though I must add that for a whole week I was skiing for a few hours each day which isn't tracked as steps but is actually a high calorie-burning sport. There's a lot of lunging and pushing your weight and lugging around heavy equipment.

My skiing has gotten technically much better. My turns are sharper, I hold my skis parallel most of the time, I ski more fearlessly down steep pitches. To my humiliation my aunt and cousins kept pointing out my improvement, which to me felt like they were emphasizing how embarrassingly terrible I had been at skiing only a few years ago and through my entire childhood. I've always been the slowest and most timid of our group, always requiring someone to stay back with me and make sure I actually came down the mountain instead of standing frozen in fear half way down the slope. This trip was refreshing, it felt good to keep up with my group, plus I had a new appreciation of how lucky I am to have the resources to participate in this sport.

There was one moment where I reverted to old ways and scared myself into some serious self-reflection. I followed my braver siblings and cousins down an experts-only black diamond trail that was mostly ice covered by mounds of powder. I made it down about half way before I lost footing and freaked out. Blind terror took over and I froze where I was, unable to keep linking turns and escape this section of the trail. I just kept looking down and slipping inch by inch, making my eyes swell with tears and my calves burn from holding my weight at that odd angle. Eventually I sat and removed my skis, sliding down while whimpering and repeating a mantra of "help me, help me, help me" inside my head. My dad waited only 50 yards down the hill and shouted to urge me down. I shook my head vigorously "no" and cried even harder. As soon as I somehow made it down the black diamond, I flew down the easiest trail I could get to and back to the connection trail to our condo. The entire time I was ski-skating my way across the flat trail that connects the chairlifts to the resort housing I fought violent sobs and too-loud-for-public wails that kept bursting out of me.

By the time I made it back to the beginner slopes I was calm again and the snow had stopped. All morning and while I was on the difficult trails it had been snowing and gusts of wind whipped up the mountain to blind the skiers. Now that I was away from the challenge the sky was clear and I wanted to stay outside. I rode the chair alone, looking behind me to see mountains far in the distance. Vermont is so beautiful, a true treasure to our country. I took pictures and began to contemplate the complete terror that had just gripped me. When I got stuck up there, I lost total control of myself, my thoughts and my actions. I didn't do anything rationally, I just freaked out and panicked. Is that a panic attack? I skied back to the difficult mountain, stopping on the empty connection trail to smoke my travel-size piece. High and in rapture with the gorgeous scenery, I had a wonderful lift ride up and a near perfect ski to the bottom. The sun was setting and the sky turned beautiful colors. At one point I was skiing through golden patches of trail created by the sun sinking perfectly into the notch where two mountains meet. That last run was heaven, true bliss.

An update on my life (besides last week's vacation):
-graduated from college! (Dec 15, 2014)
-went home to PA on Dec 19, been here ever since (except for week in VT)
-still not sure what I'll do with my degree/life

Hope to post again tomorrow, I'm trying to get back into more exercise and be more conscious of my nutrition. Maybe I'll get a hike in? One can only hope.