Ski trip

I'm on a ski trip with my high school in Vermont. Friday, even though there was a ton of junk food on the bus, I managed to eat only 350 calories all day. Yay for 100 under! Every time i was feeling hungry I focused on the blog title "hunger hurts but starving works". I had to repeat it in my head about 30 times.

There are three of us in my friend group, so guess who had to sit along for eight hours? Yeah. Me. It's probably because they can't stand eight strait hours of my ugliness.

Today was the ski part. I love skiing. You work hard,shlepping heavy equipment around while wearing suffocating clothing. Your either over heating or freezing your extremities off. The food is bad and expensive and the lines are long. But it's all worth it for the thrill of that perfect run. It's a moment of speed and just the right sequence of turns. The perfect run leaves you breathless and smiling. It's worth all the work and hassle and expense.

We skied for 7 hours, but I count 5 as exercise. About a twelve hundred calories burned :) ubfortunately, skiing makes you dead tired and super super hungry. So I ate like 2000 calories today. Boo. Today could have been a great negative day but instead it's an over day. Ick ick ick. Tomorrow will be better.I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.

up to my fat fat knees

day off for the snow
yay! (except that I was home, where all the food is...)

500 day (another reason to celebrate)
*side note- i CANNOT WAIT until i'm at the point where food disgusts me. i freaking LOVE food right now. always have. I'm have separation anxiety lately. sigh... my punishment for being disgusting.

I went way above 500 today- i went up to 800. boo
luckily, the snow is like a foot and half deep so the shoveling took over an hour. I count that as a work out, i was sweating and my heart rate was  up, so whatever. fuck it. i'm counting it.
then to make up for the 300 over I went sledding with my sister and her friends. hahaha i sound stupid but seriously i dont like sledding. it's all hiking and the going down part scares me. but to make it a workout i ran up the hill every time. it's like running high knees up a steep hill. with a plastic sled and a ton of fluffy snow gear. i think i did like 10 runs. i was so gross and smelly by the time i got back inside post sledding and shoveling. 3 and a half hours out there. bleh....
but the food. ah the food. i had a waffle for breakfast. a fucking waffle. then i felt the wave of hunger from teh past few days. and i ate and ate and ate. so gross.

my sister's friends are all skinny. all of them. i look like the michelan man in my light grey coat. they look like pretty young girls out having fun. i'm young. why can't i be fucking pretty too?

precipitation

good day again. gosh, I think this is a new record. school was ended early for the snow, which was nice. So I watched some Grey's Anatomy and did abs for half an hour. then the rest of the episode, and for one more I just did wii free step. it's nice, it's like just walking in place however fast you want. you don't have to think about it but you burn way more calories than just sitting there.

I got so tempted by the hot chocolate my dad was making, I told him I had some at school. I had an apple and cheese (35) and then some rice crackers (110)

the hunger is really starting to get to me. I hope the frenzied wanting-food-now feeling ebbs away soon like it usually does. I avoided binge just now by coming here and reminding myself that today is not a fat day. today is a step towards pretty.

side note- i was on tumblr and saw this and it made me cry. it's so pretty. this is what you do:

play link one and then play link two over top of it. beautiful!


edit- i did eat more later, but still stayed in the limit. crossed fingers for a fourth good day tomorrow

later that same day....

lol sorry if I'm bothering anyone with these constant posts. It's just that I've lost my voice, and if I don't get all these words out I might lose my mind as well.

before i rant about my calories, a word of thanks-
Ariana- thank you so much for the kind word earlier. It really helped me out when I was feeling so terrible.
Sofia- thank you for all the nice things you say, you make me feel so much less alone. I wish we were friends out there in the real world.
Lu- thanks for always being positive and keeping things sunny. The umbrella in your profile pic suits you, you sheila us from the storms with your beauty and happy thoughts
I appreciate all the comments so much, they make my day <3 sorry I don't respond to them by name. But I try to read everyone's blogs and comment as much as possible when I have something good to say. thank you

so anyways...
I said earlier that I was saving the 300 for dinner, and it worked out nicely for dinner. I had salad (I count it as veggies) with only a teaspoon of dressing (40) and half a cup of milk (50) with a third cup of pasta (80). I was so proud of myself.

but then like 20 minutes ago the hunger kicked in like crazy. I ended up eating half the peanut butter sandwich my dad packed for the lunch I never ate (150). I'm so mad at myself right now. I was doing so well and then I fucked it all up. boo

total of 320 today. It was supposed to be a 300 day. I didn't want to work out today.... I know, I'm a lazy slug. I'm still sore from the weekend (+monday) of super-jackie work out. but now I have to do 10 minutes jump rope for that horrid pb sandwich.

invisible

Sitting in study hall by myself. lol, i'm so weird. who blogs at school? only loser me....

but anyway
the reason why i'm posting. there is this group of girls in study hall who are all GORGEOUS. they have perfect clothes and hair and are beautiful. and they are thinthinthinthinthin. it's all cheek bones and angles. sighhh

I don't even think they realize that I'm sitting only a table away. fat girls are invisible.

at least i've only eaten grapefruit and half a clementine today. and those don't even count (yessss!) saving my 300 for dinner so I can have some milk. we'll see just how stong i can be

and maybe someday they'll see me.

Weathered

You don't need a good man to get through a storm, it's fixing all the damages afterwards that you'll need him for. I lived. I didn't die this summer when I wanted to so bad. I'm still here. Did you get that? I'm still here. That storm wasn't the hardest part, that fall wasn't so bad. It's the climbing back up and recovering that's making me wish it had all ended then.

But now I have a future to look to, not just the end of high school or something dumb like that. It's gonna be real damn hard, but I'm banking on it being worth it.

I keep hurting myself like this because being hurt and upset is the only way I know how to function lately. They only love me the way I want to be loved when I'm in bad shape. So I keep inflicting the pain. It's silly, I know. And don't feel like just because you're reading this you have to step up and fix me or tell me that you love me. That's not your job, and fixing me is useless because I'll find some way to break again, with that's inevitable. I'm my own self-made storm system. The patterns are oh so easy to read.

For me, it takes more muscles to smile than to frown. So don't you worry, it's just me and my melancholy face, creating my own little storm.

400 strong

good day... but i'm not that excited because i don't want to jinx it. I had half an apple juice for breakfast and then went to school to take my last final. it was stats, my worst class. It was terrible and I ran out of time and had to turn in the last few blank. fuck it all. school is dumb.

Then the friends had the mandatory end-of-semester lunch that we've been doing since freshman year. it's tradition, we had to. I was good and got french toast (that doesn't sound like being good but trust me, for this place, for this place that is being verrry good. they have the best fried everything... the food is delishhhh) and only ate one of the four slices. then I got home and counted up- only 225! i had 175 still to eat as I pleased, so I had some cheese and apple at 3. luckily, only the cheese counted so that's only 255. then I had some peas, a teeny bit of spagetti, and milk for dinner. all in all, 390. In my book thats perfect. Then I did abs, glutes, arms, and legs for 20 minutes. And now, ahhhhh.... relaxxxxx.

I kind of still feel a little shitty despite the success. M knows that I follow some of your blogs. And she thinks I'm a freak. She says she's glad I'm not like that. but I know she only doesn't want me to diet and get skinny because then I might be close to as pretty as her. She just doesn't want any competition.
well, off to do more damage control. sigh...

Skinny Girl Diet

Rules:

* Eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want, without counting them as calories.
* Work out at least 30 minutes, 5x a week.
* any extra calories going over the limit MUST be burned off in cardio

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can do this! I know that I can! especially is fruit and veggies don't count. this way I only have to eat those and something small at dinner and no body is gonna notice.

It's funny that I act as if I'm ana. please. i'm not skinny enough to be ana. i'm just a fat girl on a strict diet. i only wish i was because i'm in love with the idea of it.

thanks ariana for the invite to join in on this!!

all together we are alone

before i came here
i thought i was the only one
i thought i was the only person
who noticed the gap
and the defined jaw lines
and the collar bones
the hip bones
and the birdy little wrists

well, not really
i knew everyone thought they were beautiful
but i thought it was weird
that i dreamed of them

i thought it was strange
that i stared at girls in bikinis
am i a lesbian?
no
i dont want to kiss them
i dont want to fuck around
i just want to be them
slip inside their skin and live their life
be just as beautiful

but then i found this world
of broken mirrors
and distorted glass
where the skinny girls think they're fat
and the fat girls think they're fatter

i slipped into this place
became apart of the skin
pseudo-living the lives of skinny girls
and fat girls getting skinny
a place where gorging on pretty pictures is okay
where it's okay to gawk
and fall in love with hip bones
and collar bones
and birdy little wrists

our thoughts are written down
in erasable stone
and we whisper words of silent encouragement
wishing each other luck in our shared battle

i know i am new here
there are girls with deeper scars
who have seen the brutality
they are veterans of bigger fights than i have seen
but all along
through my whole existence i knew
i was always meant to join this war
to hold hands with skinny fingers
and walk towards a prettier version of ourselves
all together we are alone

nothing

salade (8)
caesar dressing (80)
croutons (80)
peanut butter icing (200)
chicken (123)
cucumber (16)
carrots (26)
milk (110)
lemonade (150)
pretzels (175)
cookies (160)
1,128
running (150)
circuit training (40)
walking (138)
328


sorry you had to read that sad, sorry list. it's terrible. again. i did horrible again. and the croutons... again. and i made more icing for my sister, but of course, being weak and terrible me, i haaaadd to eat some. and then she begged to make cookies too. so we did. and i ate 2. because i suck. and i feel nothing. even though i'm so fucking full i feel so so so empty.
flat. nothing. empty.

Alone with my calories

So. Guess who broke the goodness streak? me! hahah, some streak of one day

I started out good, a glass of pomegranate juice for breakfast (100). And then guess what happened? We got the day off school for a measly 2 inches of snow. Normally, I would rejoice for such luck, but I spent the whole night studying for my stats exam yesterday. I was so ready. And now I'll be too lazy to study on Sunday and I'll fail. This blows.

My family was gone today, they went to some party. I didn't go because I knew there would be lots of tempting sodas and snacks (good jackie, good choices!) but then of course that meant I was home alone.

In my aloneness, I (stupidly) decided to make myself some food since I was so so so hungry. I was good, I only had an apple with some 35 cal cheese (90+35). but then, the inevitable happened. I got gluttonous and everything started looking delicious. I ate like 20 croutons (croutons? croutons? who the fuck eats croutons by themselves? me. only fat disgusting me.)(200), the rest of the quaker mini ranch rice cakes (210), a whole cup of strawberry fro-yo (280), and some more juice (100).

When I'm alone I somehow always manage to slip into the mindset that if no one sees me eat then it won't count. Of course it counts! I hate hate hate my bad habits. And though I hate to add it up, grand total today is 1,015. yup. I suck.

The thing is, half my brain is telling me that isn't that much. But the rational half is screaming at me that I shouldn't have eaten anything today. At least I did some circuit training, yoga, and I shoveled the snow (560) Why am I such a fuck up at everything?? I just want to fully commit to this without any distractions. Just focus on the beauty.

Red, White, Black&Blue

Wishing that other people knew they were pretty makes me wonder if other people think that about me. Yeah yeah yeah. i know. i knowiknowiknow. but like that. you know? I don't think I'm making much sense.

All I know is that yesterday was success. Yesterday was a beautiful and wonderful ending. but the thing is, the end is never the end. you can try for clean starts, but the past is always with you. They say that you're a whole new you, new bones and skin and blood every seven years. but then why do we still feel like the same ol' shmuck? cause there's no such thing as a fresh start. you can't just wake up and forget all the regrets and bad habits. it's not like that.

I'm in love. but not like that. I skipped the gooshy lovely happy part and went right to the loving so much it hurts part. maybe it isn't love. maybe it's addiction.

it's funny how the minutes turn into hours into days into weeks into months into years into lifetimes. how cliche. but before i know it i'll be looking back on right now. and now. and now.

nothing's wrong. i'm just being stupid. like always. and blahblahblah. seriously. I have no story to tell. I'm fine. good. okay?

Revisited

I went to the tree farm. Like I was dying to do before. And it was sad. I guess what I loved about it was the warmth and the greenness. Now it's white and brown and shades of gray. It took me 10 minutes to run there (I'm slow...) and I walked the whole loop around which took me like 20 and then only 7 minutes running back. I'm pretty proud of myself for the running part.

Biking there was definitely funner. I loved the gliding down hill and the triumph of climbing back up. Running is different. Running is measured and paced. When I run I use markers, like fast till the post or slower break until that tree. But biking is smooth and free. You can forget about biking and just let your mind go. While running you are constantly thinking about the steps you are taking and how much your sides hurt. It's a battle to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I mean, both are tiring, but biking isn't painful in the act.

I miss biking. I would get to it again except that I need to run. I want to be better in track this year. Maybe I'll bike tomorrow and then run on the weekend. hmmm. I need to do my stats essay now. boo. I hate school work on principle.

tangent: this bean bag chair is great. It's super comfy and it looks cool in my room. ah. the joys of a delayed Christmas.

Finally, a good day!

I know it's only 1:30, but I'm doing great with calories today! i made myself some air-popcorn and a salade with that spray dressing that's 5 cals per spray. I did 3. Then I ran a mile and walked 2. I had a vitamin C tablet to get rid of this cold thats coming on, but I don't think that counts as anything right? So like 50 for the salade plus 15 for dressing, and then 30 for popcorn, and that puts me at 95. and then minus 200 for the exercise.

Yay for half days!! I'm getting so much work done. and my midterms are easy this year, so thats another plus. If only I could be this good everyday! I think for my good work I'll reward myself with some grey's anatomy :) Love that show

*EDIT at 11 pm

So I stayed strong (surprisingly). I had a third cup of rice and half a cup of milk for dinner, a feat with my judgy family. I went unnoticed. and then I even added crunches and lunges for good measure. I think that makes the total  231 with exercise at about -300. I have a hard time with exercise counts. but whatever, it's close enough.

The ultra-high I was on when I wrote earlier is over. I'm sad, really. even though I had a good day, I can't get over the dull, achey sadness. I have really bad mood cycles.

but it really was a productive day. I studied 2 hours for stats, wrote a paper, got my drivers permit (lol, long embarrassing story...) and had a good day on the diet side of things. so good day over all, but I go to bed sad anyway.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

ten things I want to tell ten people right now

1 A- I love you so much but I don't know how to

2 Dad- I don't like your new goatee. it's stupid

3 K- you're super fake, but you're beautiful so I love you

4 N- your butt looked good in those pants today. I swear I'm not a lesbian, I just like your butt. 

5 D- I'm glad you like me but I don't understand why. and you are the least traditional gay best friend ever

6 P- just say sorry and get over it. I'd forgive you but you have to ask for it

7 Mme- your class is terrible. and you seriously need to take care of yourself

8 M- thank you. I needed that. 

9 C- get a haircut

10 M- I need your help. Don't let me do this alone

Nine things about me

1 Radio is the love of my life. (and Jad Abumrad... sigh...)

2 I love grilled cheese with lemonade

3 I can't tell left from right most of the time

4 When I'm upset I do inappropriate things

5 One of my eyelashes is a lot longer than the rest of them

6 I lost my favorite ring and I'm afraid that it means bad luck or something

7 Red lipstick gives me confidence

8 I hate onions

9 My favorite pair of underwear have elephants on them

Eight ways to win my heart

1 tell me I'm beautiful

2 be nice to your parents

3 have good music taste

4 be confident in who you are

5 show interest in me

6 being beautiful never hurt anyone

7 hug me often

8 never forget my birthday

Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1 I'm disgusting

2 the urge to randomly kiss someone

3 Calorie counts

4 lists of things I need to get done

5 ways to get attention

6 how pretty other people are

7 what if emerson and writing isn't what I want?

Six things I wish I hadn't done

1 gained weight

2 quit ballet ( i was like 6 but for some reason I have this idea in my head that if I kept with it I'd be beautiful and thin and perfect)

3 been mean to prateek

4 taken AP stats

5 be mean to anyone

6 eat ( i wish that all the time, most of all)

Five people that mean a lot to me (in no order)

1 A

2 D

3 Aunt S. and Uncle S.

4 P

5 D

Four turn offs

1 when people are mean to their parents

2 making me feel needy or pathetic (especially when I'm not acting like that)

3 self centeredness

4 strange breathing/ loud breathing

Three turn ons

1 interest in me

2 stubble

3 getting really close

Two emoticons that describe me at the moment

1 :P

2 :s

One confession

1 My suicide attempt failed. But I'm not sure if it was because I wasn't committed enough to dying or because something or someone out there saved me and I have some other purpose. It comes down to whether or not you believe in angels and fate and magic and all that. I'm not sure what to believe. 

Red

maybe I should get one of those bracelets. To remind me what needs to be done.

online

stayed up yesterday (or I guess this morning) until 4:30. then I got up at six to take a shower and get ready. the stupid thing is, I had my midterms today. I fell asleep during my law final (oops) and again on the bus home.
why was I up so late? chatroulette. I know. it's stupid. but they call me beautiful. and that's all I really want. They day "hey gorgeous" and I get a little glow. it's like drugs.
There was a guy I talked to for about 3 hours (until 4:30 am) and he said I was the prettiest girl he ever met. I know that's a lie, but I love those sorts of lies. I never said a word, I just let him talk and nodded. He guessed my name after about a zillion tries. And every time I smiled he would say "there it is. I love that smile. you're so beautiful when you smile"
it's all angles and make up and lighting. You can be beautiful online if you just know the tricks. of course, I have to be careful not to let any of my body show. I'm too fat. even for the ones that just want to see my boobs. I tell them, "yeah right" but I'm really thinking that they wouldn't call me pretty anymore if they saw. they would know how fat and ugly I am underneath the secrets and make up and carefully selected clothing. I couldn't handle being ugly in real life and online too.

Tree Farm

I'm not studying at all. is that stupid? probably. but whatever. I only care about a few things right now, and school is not one of them. I miss summer so bad. I keep thinking about the bike rides I used to take every day to the tree farm. I miss the tree farm.

I need to start running. And I need to stop making peanut butter icing. it's super delicious and I eat way too much whenever I make it. If I'm going to do well in track and not look like this anymore then I need to start running. And quit baking. Maybe I should take up yoga or kick boxing or something instead.... hmm.... something productive...

well.

gotta go write a stats paper now. yay. or maybe I'll go look up yoga videos. hmm. options and possibilities.

new

I'm cycling.

I was so resolved to do this

then I lost the resolve, all my motivation

now I have it back, it feels so good

I'm back on my mission and this time I'm going to stay on it.

I have no idea what I weigh. but I don't care. right now the goal is going to be for someone to comment on how good I look. I know that's a big goal, pretty far off, but that's what I want

I heard my aunt and my cousin talking about my cousin's best friend. apparently she's ana. when I heard that I decided that I need to do this. I'll be beautiful and people will care about me if I'm in trouble. 

I know it sounds terrible, but I want to be screwed up. that way some one will put me back together and fall in love with me in process. I'm screwed up now, but not in ways they notice. and no one wants to fix an ugly fat girl anyway. 

Delicate

"She had grown to love the early hours of morning. She'd stay awake until 5:30 am and she'd wait for the light of the sun to subtly illuminate the world. Once it did, she'd shut the blinds and she'd sleep. She'd sleep throughout most of the day, and she was usually pretty content with that. She began to feel comfortable in her loneliness, it was the only time she didn't have to put up a facade; to pretend that the chaos around her didn't bother her much. She had learnt to live in her melancholy and although in a way she hated that, she was reluctant to change the habit. She was scared that if she changed the habit she'd lose what little she knew of herself. She was terrified of facing a swift and moving society, where the majority were too ignorant to care. Her thoughts and fears consumed her to the point where she almost felt mad, and although she wanted to be okay, she didn't know how."

I love you, M.

just to tell ya

i wish i could tell you that he never got over you. i wish i could let you know that he still cries at holidays and when someone brings you up. i wish i could tell you that your baby only thinks of you as an abstract thought. i wish i could tell you that your little boy is tall and confused. i wish i could tell you that he stays silent when he's uncomfortable. i wish i could tell you that we all do that. i wish i could tell you that your mother is sad and can't take much more of life's crap. i wish i could tell you that i needed you. i wish i could tell you that i still need you and that i always will.

Prettier

I'm trying to be in love with myself. I'm trying really hard.
I babysat these kids today, cute little toddlers. they are twins, a boy and a girl who are about a year and a half. the whole time I was thinking about how once upon a time I was a baby. And once upon a time my dad looked at me the way their parents look at them. Once upon a time everyone thought I was as beautiful as I think these kids are.
I was also thinking how sad I would be if the little girl grew up to think that she wasn't pretty. I think she's gorgeous. she's the prettiest little baby and it would be terrible if she ever felt unbeautiful.
So I'm going to try to feel pretty. I going to try to love myself. I'm just going to be more pretty. I can feel pretty now, and feel even prettier when I lose all this weight.

secrets

i never told you my dirty secret. well, i never told you all of them. I seem to have a mounting heap.

once upon a time, my life consisted of only new hope. all my friends were here and and everything i knew. when i had a secret, it was something small and innocent. something that had to do with this world. i am a life long member of a club that consists of thin pretty white girls with highlighted hair and french manicured nails who have only the latest designer clothes. they have two parents, sometimes more, depending on the divorce status of their parents. but don't feel bad for them, this only means that they get two christmases. we are giggly and strange, and we know only the world of fences and bmw's and vacations to the bahamas.

now i have secrets. the things that occupy the space in my brain have little to do with new hope. it's as if i've already graduated from the club.

yes, i think about starving myself all the time. but i think a lot of us do, we just don't talk about it. we're all so busy trying to keep the secret that we're not actually happy with ourselves that we don't realize we're all the same.

but then there are some that cross the line. you cross step out of the gates and into the dirt and the grime of this world. suddenly you are covered in filth that even grapefruit scented anti-bacterial lotion can't get off. suddenly you are out of the club and you don't belong to the only group you've ever been a part of. you realize that the highlights have grown out and the manicure is chipped, your clothes are behind the trend. you're still walking around in this world of granite and polished wood, but they all look at you like you're soiling the hand-made rug.

if they saw the secrets, if they knew, i would be known for the line-crosser i am. i would be one of those girls who left and was never the same. then i'd have to get a nose piercing and a new vocabulary to fit in with a new crowd. the secrets would be come my new life, and the life i have now only a memory.

Secrets

shhhh

don't speak so loud

I know something you'd want to know

but I can't tell you deary

I wishhh

that I could tell you

but you might tell some one else

keep your voice down

hushhhh

my baby darling

don't be so upset with me now

and don't be so loud

I'm an open book. you know all you'll ever need to know about me if you just stick around long enough for me to finish what I'm saying. I'll tell you everything. Just ask the right questions. I never lie completely. I might tell you half truths, but in the end you'll know the whole truth. look into my eyes, my story is etched into my irises. you want to know me? it isn't that hard.

Just a little warning:

I will tell you everything. I will spill my heart and soul out to you if you just pretend you care. So don't pretend you love me unless you're ready for the storm. Because I am a twister, knocking down any who stay put long enough for me to get close. I am a raging swirling hurricane. I'll trust you and depend on you for everything if you just feign the interest. Somehow this will make you love me. you'll love me until you grow tired. So fucking tired of my narcissistic ways that you'll leave. Now the question falls to you- listen or hush me up.

not all secrets are worth knowing.

something I wrote a while back

I have this obsession with a size 6 prom dress. size 6 really isn't even that small. it's like average on the chubby side (at least for my height...) because with my build and height I should be so much smaller than I am.

I know that being skinny isn't always great. it's one of those suffering terrible things when girls starve themselves. but right or wrong (and I know you'll say I'm wrong) I find it so romantic. it's physical and graceful and controlled. it's the ultimate self control. it's the type i dream of. the type that can only be photographed in black and white.

At least while they're suffering, they look pretty while they're doing it. I look more like a depressed whale.

The trouble with matching is that the other person can always pull it off better than me. if everyone wears the same black dress, it's easier to compare and see how wide and nasty I am. And my sister is beautiful and long and thin and tan. i'm short and chubby with a forgettable face.

i could have had everything. i could have been queen of high school if i had been skinny. If I wasn't a gluttonous pig. i would be happier and better if i had been skinny.

But i'll keep lying to myself. I'll say that I'm average when the voice in my head knows i'm not. i'll try to diet, but I know it'll fail. i'm too much of a pig to starve for more than a few days and i'm too afraid to stick my finger down my throat. I'll run and lose a few pounds, but they'll be back in a few weeks anyway. I'm a lost cause. and an ugly one at that.

ay-okay

Am I the only one that is saddened by thinspo? god I die of jealousy. but it's like drugs and I can't stop looking at it.

good day today though 

I had grapefruit for breakfast (+40)

salad wrap (+150)

apple (+90)

tea and zero cal soda (0)

a few grapes (+30)

and i only caved on one thing: hershey kiss from my best friend d. he kissed me on the cheek and said "a kiss for you" and then gave me the chocolate. how could i not have it? (+25?)

rice (+100)

broccoli (+45)
milk (+110)

total: 565

plus i exercised a bit... 30 minutes yoga and a 10 minute run. so all in all, today was good

all my mental problems

i love these quizzes...

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Low

Schizoid: Low

Schizotypal: Moderate

Antisocial: Moderate

Borderline: Moderate

Histrionic: High

Narcissistic: High

Avoidant: Low

Dependent: Moderate

Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

almost

It was almost a good day. almost. I was doing really well at first- I ate 1 waffle this morning (super small kind) and only half a sandwich and water for lunch and 40 cals worth of popcorn for snack. but then I was so starving from the past few days and I just caved. It was terrible.

When I saw what we were having i freaked internally because I loooove pad thai. when I smell it I die and go to a ginger soaked heaven. oh god, I love that stuff and I knew it would ruin me. and it did. when I started with my tiny helping I just couldn't help it after that. I just kept going and couldn't stop. I was so hungry and so empty. all I wanted was the taste and the fullness.Then my dad left and all hell broke loose. One of my weak points is being home alone. it makes me want to eat like no other. I swear, I turn into a bear or an elephant of something. I just want food, food, food. and thats what I did. I ate a ton of chips and like 10 cookies and 3 glasses of milk right after I had another huge helping of pad thai.

Strait after I had the worst stomach pains. and I tried to make myself throw up but as soon I start gagging I just give  up every time. throwing up frrreeeeaks me out so much. I can't do it. I admire mia girls so much. and ana girls of course. I'm just not good enough to be like them. I'm weak and I can't fix my sorry self.

So now I have terrible stomach pain and a conscience covered in indulgence and disgust. I feel so gross and like such a failure. I only wish I were skinny and could do what ever the hell I wanted.

un-photogenic

i feel the urge to post here (and i suppose update posts too) like 50 times a day. but what ever.

i hate hate hate hate hate my prom pictures. and my senior pictures. looking at them makes me literally cry. i look at them for too long and pretty soon i'm crying. not just a tear of self pity- a heaving, can't-breathe, puffy-eyes, wailing, two-year-old-who-hit-her-head kind of cry. i have to jump in the shower so no one can hear me throwing a self loathing hissy fit.

i guess they make me so upset because i always dreamed of being beautiful when i went to prom and i had fantasies about how i would look in the yearbook when i was a senior. but none of that came true. instead i'm a fat, ugly, disgusting disappointment. oh god, why did i let myself get here?

today i go to the doctors. i can't wait to see how much i really weigh. i want a scale so bad. i love weighing myself but i always hate the results. call me an optimist, but i always expect it to go down even though it almost never does. i'm going to get my forms filled out and to check out whats making me sick.

*update: 147.2 is what the doctor scale said. thank the lord it's closer to the wii fit thing than the mountain house scale. i would have just died if it were above 150. 

ate pasta again, i hate soup so its what i eat when i'm sick (+250)

orange juice for vitamin c (+110)
chocolate (wtf do i keep eating it. it's wayyyy too damn addicting) (+300)
black tea w/ 1/4tsp sugar (+5)
orange juice thinger from DD (+220)

total: 885

tweet

all those short little thoughts-

"i just want my thighs to stop touching"

"i want fingers like a piano player"

"why me? why do they get to be so skinny?"

"what's the point in even trying?"

"anorexia is a selfish thing to want. but i want it so bad"

"fuck food. i wish it were all gone forever."

personal interview

got this from sofia (thanks girl, even though i don't know you and you don't know me. but you are a huge inspiration-thinspiration, really)

Age: 17
Height: 5’2"
Weight: 146 lbs
Dress Size: 12
Highest Weight: 149
Lowest Weight (at height): 130
Goal Weight: 120 (right now)
Favorite Diet Food: baby bell cheese, apples, crackers, yogurt
Favorite Binge Food: chips, popcorn, pasta, chocolate
Favorite Exercise: circuit training
Favorite Thinspo: arms, collar bones
Where Do You Slip Up: when i have money and am near sold food

When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: fourth grade
Restricting/counting: off and on since 9th
Does Anyone Know: i hope not
You Want Help: no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day : i try to get under 800
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat/ugly face, hugeness overall
Are You In A Relationship: no
Are You Depressed: yeah

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: once

Ever Been To A Psychologist: nope

I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[] I wear glasses
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

eh-heh eh-heh

"im sick. eh-heh eh-heh." "boo you whore"

^ story of my life today

crackers with cheese (+90)
chocolate... woops.. (+150)

orange juice and cookie thingers (+160)
noodles with salt (+250)

770

stayed home sick today. anna found out about my pro-ana thing.. she was mad. wish my name were anna so i could be anna pro-ana. cool eh?

only did some light yoga because i felt so sick. when i get sick i get dizzy. so 15 mins yoga was all i could handle. i'm weak, i know.
thinspo makes me sad. but i make me sadder. so i guess when i am the thinspo, when i morph into a beautiful willowy model, i will be happy.

anyway, i deleted all the blogs i was following. and i moved this blog to a different account. and then i had to search them all out and refollow them. ah the joys of joining a new community.
and if anyone ever reads this, im sorry about the terrible writing. i'm better than this usually. i have another blog that's different. it's about more than just hating myself. thinkingwritenow.blogspot.com
just dont let it slip we're the same person. if people knew, they'd hate me for this. and wonder why after all my self hatred and dieting that i still look this terrible.

day 2

today:

stayed up til 4:30 talking with brad. he thinks i'm pretty. liar.

slept in until 1:15 pm

ate 1 slice banana bread, two cups apple juice (+420)

worked out on wii fit for an hour and 25 minutes, did every yoga and stregnth exercise (-400)

ate crackers with peanut butter (+330)

ate chips and salsa and jellybeans (+500)

homework

drank large smoothie for dinner (250)

i ate 1100 today, but a lot of it was bad calories, so i suck. but workout was good. feeling really sick, probably from lack of sleep.

the goal is still to cut out all potato and corn products, failed today with chips (darn!)

stripped a lot yesterday. i love it when they call me pretty :) but i still feel like a dirty whore.

Starting Line

I am stout. short and fat. the short part I don't mind so much, but it's the fat part that gets me. and I'm ugly. what a combo.

I have zero self control. I can't run very long, I can't control my eating, i can't make myself throw up. I'm terrible.

But this year I will be beautiful. It will happen.

the trouble is my lack of scale. I have to rely on an unreliable source- the wii fit thing. I weighed myself at the mountain house and it said 153. barf. but wii fit said today 146. so from now on I will rely on wii fit until a bathroom scale is aquired.

starting weight: 146

goal weight by 1/31: 140

goal 2/28: 135

goal 3/31: 130

goal 4/31: 125

and we'll see how things go after that.

other weight goals:

-size 6 prom dress

-cute fame costume

-fit comfortably into skinny jeans

-thin face

-thin arms

-bikini for senior week

-skinny fingers

beauty goals:

-tanner

-better make up

-better clothes

-prettier hair

-look better in pictures

Wallflowers

it was like something out of a movie. there was wood paneling and ugly carpet and a really old tv, the couch was disintegrating and everyone was pretty. I was almost silent most of the time. a lot of them were teenage dick heads, a few were really decent. there was even a foreign guy.

being a wallflower has its perks. i guess thats why its my favorite book. i can crawl right inside and fit in so perfectly. people care about charlie, and people care about me. I want to show it and i want to fit in, but im so shy i can't. i try my best at first, and almost succeed, but then i start thinking about how i'm the fattest and ugliest one at the whole party. then i find it difficult to open my mouth. it's tempting just to cry and hide, but that only makes things worse in the long run.

i thought i was bipolar, but im pretty sure its just crippling self esteem. sometimes i can pretend that i dont care what people think or what i really think about how i look, but mostly its a pretty big lie to keep telling myself.

im also lazy. im too lazy to change things. which is embarrassing to admit.

one of my best friends was there, and i loved him for that- i wasn't alone while i was feeling like shit.

im dramatic and i'm not going to change just because the date does. it's a process and i have a feeling im not strong enough to keep it up.

i kept wondering why i was invited. why the hell i was one of the people that made the list. i dont fit in. and i'm pretty damn sure i wont be invited again after how i acted. but maybe a party isn't cliche-worthy without the token wallflower.