on the second day

b- 1/2 large potato with salt and rosemary (130)
d- soup: vegetable broth, celery, carrots, mushrooms (75)
s- fruit leather (45 cal), 2 cinnamon mints (10)

Day 2- GM diet

Today I was supposed to eat a baked potato for breakfast. But potatoes taste too starchy alone, so I only ended up eating half of it. Just before I had breakfast I weighed in, and shockingly I lost 5.5 pounds since I weighed yesterday morning. I was 144 and this morning I was 138.5. I know that's not real weight lost, it's just water or bloating or something, but it was cool to see the number drop so drastically like that. Tomorrow's weight will probably go up, today's was a little unrealistic.

Most of the day was spent in bed with a guy I met online a few months back. We've done this before and I really like him, but really only as a friend who I also have sex with. Actually, it's mostly about the sex. We have things to talk about, but we're both far more interested in the physical part of things. But as I was getting ready to say goodbye, he suggested we "do something besides lie in bed all day," by which I think he means "go on a real date." That and he whispered into my ear "I love you" while we were having sex, which I hope is just one of those things guys say when they're about to finish. As the adage goes, only time will tell.

I was really hungry by the time I left him and took the train home at 5. I ate the potato around 9am, and then had my dinner around 6:30. My one slip-up today (vegetable day) was the fruit leather. It's technically not allowed, but I don't really feel badly about it because it was one of the only things I ate today. As usual, I also had around 3 cups of tea and another pint of water as mandated by the diet.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and we're hosting a party. I really hope I don't get bullied into having champagne or anything- no alcohol allowed. And tomorrow is the day my roommate comes home. I rearranged all the furniture in our room yesterday and I hope she likes it. Personally, I think it's great, but it would suck if she didn't like it as much. Once she gets back I'm going to ask her to help me pick out curtains for the windows.

GM day 1

Today was the first day of the GM diet. Somehow, I made it from 7:30 when I woke up this morning to now on only 300 calories worth of fruit, and I didn't binge or throw up anything.

b- 1/2c rasperries

l- cantaloupe strawberry smoothie

d- grapefruit

s- 2 clementines

I also had around 4 cups of tea and probably another pint of water. I'm really proud of myself for making it through day 1 without any mistakes. Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow, which is vegetable day, un-tempted by carbs. The one weird thing is that tomorrow's breakfast is a baked potato, which definitely isn't a normal breakfast food.

As an added challenge, I'm also taking a tolerance break from smoking this week. I want to start the new year off right. New Year's Eve will be pretty hard, this diet plan doesn't allow for any alcohol and my roommates and I are hosting a NYE party. They've all been talking about champagne and which foods they want to make. That will be day 3, and I'll be allowed both fruits and vegetables. But I think by then I'll be craving carbs and rich foods like crazy and it will be really really hard not to give in to the party atmosphere and consume the things I normally do.

I really want to do this perfectly. I want to prove to myself that I can do this- just 1 week of total self-control. And if everything goes as it should, I'll hopefully lose a few pounds, too. The website says 10-17, but I think this was designed for fat old people, so I probably will lose 2-5. But even a small loss like that would be a step in the right direction.

On my birthday I set the goal to be 121 by my 21st, but I'd really like to be at that goal before it's time to start wearing summer dresses and shorts. As of this morning I weigh 144, and I don't think 23 pounds is too drastic. People have lost that much weight in a week on the Biggest Loser. 2014 will be a thinner year, I know it will be. 

tell me if I'm boring you, okay?

I purged christmas dinner in my grandmother's bathroom. That's got to be some new sort of low in my life. There are so many cookies and sweet drinks in my house, and I have almost no self-control. So I've spent a lot of time with my fingers in my mouth, and a lot of time sulking alone. That or smoking alone, I do that probably more than is acceptable.

One thing I've noticed (in the hours of self reflection that I shouldn't be indulging in- waste of time I could use to do actual useful things) is that I don't really think of losing weight when I'm purging. It's more that I just want to get the food out of me so I can stop worrying about it. It's like a compulsion just to have it gone. I think about the bottom line- the number of calories, the number on the scale- later, when I'm adding everything up at the end of the day on my iphone app.

---- On a side note, I never know how to count the calories of the food I throw up. I know that most of the carbs and sugars are digested in the mouth. And that about half the total calories are absorbed, more if you wait to purge, which I sometimes do when there's no privacy. But I figure that the protein and fat calories must not be absorbed at all if you throw them up soon enough. Whenever I count at the end of the day I count the full caloric content of all the foods and make a little note on that day's page. I need more accuracy. Some scientists should do a study and figure this out for me.

I'm leaving my home in Pennsylvania on Saturday morning to go back to my home in Boston for the new year. I've been telling all my family that was expecting me to stay that I have to go back to go to work, but that isn't true. I signed up for a zillion shifts, but I haven't been assigned to any of them. Which only makes me stress about money, and I know every time I think about all that shit I start obsessing and panicking. My dad is giving me major guilt about leaving, and it's making me realize what a selfish bitch I am. We all have to figure out who we are, and so far I'm don't like the person I'm discovering.

Today has been a little worse than I was hoping it would be.

I puked cookies and cider in the morning, then I watched a movie in the living room about lesbians and their kids with the actress Julianne Moore. I watched another movie she was in recently called What Masie Knew. The second one I mentioned is much better than the first. Masie is a sweet 5 year old girl who is caught between her selfish parents in a nasty custody battle. The whole film is from the perspective of Masie, you only see her life as spins wildly between the adults in her life.

Enough talk about movies. After all that watching, I sat thinking and playing little games on my cell phone in the same couch. Then my brother came down from his room and the dog threw up and I got high in the backyard. Then he was upstairs again and the dog was the one in the backyard and I was the one throwing up, though I doubt she was smoking, and I didn't throw up on the floor cause I was in the powder room.

But rewind a little. There was a moment between smoking and binging on all the christmas cookies that I loved. I was sitting on the porch, looking out at the hills and the other homes in my neighborhood and it didn't feel cold in the sun. I love the sunshine, even if it is this thin light that filters in on december days. As I was sitting I kept myself perfectly posed; spine straight, shoulders back, stomach in, chin up. Regal. Beautiful.

Then I was eating everything inside in the kitchen. I was a creature all along, I was never beautiful in the sun. I have always been and will always be this thing that stuffs itself with everything in reach. Food, alcohol, drugs, posessions, attention, information, hate, experiences, extremes, pride. I want it and I don't know how to stop wanting or consuming it with abandon. I need someone to save me from this humiliating cycle. And hopefully before I spend all my father's money on binge foods.

As I was typing out a story I was thinking of, I ate several servings of pita chips and apple cider and threw that up as well, this time in the toilet in the basement. Last time I was down there to purge, it was popcorn and it hurt like hell. 

real life is too hard

I wish I had someone to cry to right now. I have lots of friends that would gladly listen, but if I told anyone anything, I know I'd just feel like I was unloading on them. And I really don't want that kind of relationship with anyone.

My dad and I are fighting. I know partly it's because I'm spending too much money, and he feels like he's being walked over. And because I'm not as fun as I used to be. But mostly it's because I'm leaving on Saturday to go back to the city. I want to be with my friends and have my life. I want to work and do things productive with my life.

Basically it's a fight for my independence, but I don't have the resources to be independent yet. I can't work full time with while doing school, and without money I can't buy food or pay rent and bills or buy things for myself. So I'm relying on my dad, but all I want in the world is to be independent.

I spent over an hour calculating what it would cost to keep up my lifestyle. It's more than I can afford. I eat (read: binge/purge) far too much food, I spend too much on clothing and music, and it would cost me more than I currently have in my bank account just to pay for my own cell phone bill. I would need to cut down on a lot of things, and I'm not sure I'm enough of an angel that I could do it without complaining and messing up all the time. I'd end up in credit card debt pretty quickly, I'm sure.

I need to be dependent a little while longer, I'm not ready to be on my own yet. But I'm too selfish and impatient to be a good daughter to my dad right now.

Part of me wants to blame this on my inability to manage even my own eating (I've thrown up 5 times in the 3 days I've been here) and my emotions about that. Writing this all down I'm having a little miniature panic attack. I'm just trying to remember that I can take it all one day at a time.

I can fix this, I can be a successful person. I can be independent, strong, kind, beautiful, and achieve everything I want. I just need to focus work hard enough to get there.

sing me a song

They say home is where the heart is. I guess my home has moved. I'll always love my little town in Pennsylvania, and I'll always want to come back to visit and see my family and childhood friends. But now, I'm yearning to be back in Boston where my new friends are. I feel like they know a much truer version of me than the people here, and it's difficult to keep lying like this.

It's december and there is still snow on the ground, but it's 68 degrees outside. I love it. I know it's not exactly festive for christmas, but I much prefer the warm weather. Last night I went on a walk with my friend. It was nice to be able to walk without heavy coats or seeing our breath in the air. 

He's a guy I've always been in love with, and I think part of me will always be in love with him. Last night he said that he knew I liked him in high school, and apologized for anything he might have done to hurt me. He also told me that his mom always asks why he doesn't date me, I laughed and said I'd date him just to be friends with his mom. Nice of him to say all those things, and I'm glad we were honest with each other. And I was honest when he asked me if I'm still having problems with depression and eating, etc. I told him honestly that I throw up a large portion of what I eat everyday, and he kept offering to work out with me. (As if!! I could never let him see me all sweaty and disgusting.)

We talked about [sex, love, dating, drugs, alcohol, school work, politics, philosophy, foreign affairs, frat life, city life, future plans] everything. I think I could marry him. Not that we wouldn't have issues, everyone does. But we could have a lovely life, if only he weren't in the military. Oh well. 

and beyonce has a new album

I love these boots, and boots like them, but my legs and ankles are just way too fat for them to ever look good. I think I need to lose at least 20 pounds within the next two months. Which is doable, if I stop binging on stupid shit everyday. Yesterday pasta, today pizza. It's never ending italian into my mouth and then out the same way. talk about disgusting. 

I talked to a therapist yesterday. It was really helpful to say out loud and without pressure what's been bothering me. To be honest about the fact that I've been on one long miserable cyclical diet since I was 16. That is so sad. 

Today was a wonderful day of last exams (at least its over,) shopping, and opening christmas gifts. I still haven't showered, but at least I'm warm and at home. I love my roommies, it was so nice to spend the day with them. 

red eyes, white hands

I had an early exam, one I completed perfectly and turned in quickly. Before the test I ate an apple and a piece of peanut butter toast. I went home afterwards where I smoked and called my dad. He rambled for 15 minutes and I spent twice that amount of time standing in the hot shower, occasionally wondering how much water I was wasting.

Then I drank a large cup of cocoa and ate 17 triscuts and too many pretzel sticks. I woke up from my nap three hours later full and regretful, but I didn't throw up any of the food I ate before my nap because I know from yesterday how much it hurts to purge the pointy little pretzels and crackers. (I'm kind of a wimp, I'm aware.)

I blew my hair out, soft and straight and clean before leaving for my counseling appointment. I made the appointment two weeks ago, and I was really looking forward to it. But the t wasn't running because of a terrorism scare (it was just an abandoned bag in the station), so I eventually took a $15 cab and cried silently while we sat in endless traffic. I ended up at the counseling center's office an hour and forty minutes after I'd left my house, and seventy minutes after my appointment time. The office was closed, but I tried the door anyway. I cried again when the knob didn't turn.

Next to the counseling center is a pizza restaurant. I had a thick crusted slice with pepperoni and a huge plate of french fries, both of which I consumed in a whirl of emotion and numb desire. I ate about two thirds of the pizza and half the fries and threw the rest out. Then of what I ate, I threw up about two-thirds in my college's library bathroom. It's finals week and the library is full of people, so I was lucky to have the bathroom to myself for five minutes. I wish I had more time to get all that fatty food out of me.

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. If I just controlled myself and ate healthily I'd be thin in no time. But instead I stuff myself night and day with fattening foods and when I feel guilty enough about it I purge. It used to be that I had trouble making myself throw up, now it's that I can't not throw up after the idea has entered my brain.

Christmas is coming, and New Year's Eve. I'll be fat in all the pictures once again, and of course I'll have no will power when it comes to the comfortingly warm holiday foods. I hate this cold weather, it makes it so difficult not to stay in bed all day long. I want to be thin, but I don't deserve it, not at this pace anyway.

the day before exams

I woke up and ate a clementine and drank a strong cup of tea. I don't know how I actually managed to wake up, though. Last night I got so drunk and stoned (but somehow not crossfaded thank goodness) that this morning the wall and the cieling looked like they were playing a spinning game. My roommie and I took the t to school and sat through one last class on US Gov & Politics. My stomach rumbled through my exam review, so I decided to buy a breakfast sandwich and some chocolate milk for a little brunch. I inhaled the meal, and then spent 20 minutes in a dorm room bathroom puking, internally lecturing myself about eating like this.

I came home and smoked with the same kids I did that with only a few hours before. There's this guy who hangs around sometimes sells to us. He and I hung out quite a lot, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. I've never liked him before, but I swear there was tension between us. Maybe some other time? 

The guy I mentioned and some of my roommates made pancakes and eggs for breakfast. My throat hurt too much from purging earlier, so I didn't have any. But I did have too many pretzels and chocolate chips and starburst candies. I threw up most of that stuff in the shower, but I'm always afraid I haven't gotten it all out my system. I just looked at pictures from last night's party and I look so freaking huge. I wore a black dress to hide my body but be dressed for a party. Too bad I also wore a pink belt around my waist that just shows off how big I am. You know those fat girls who wear belted dresses to give themselves a waist and end up looking even fatter? I looked like that. I am that. I am so freaking ugly and fat it hurts.

It hurts to throw up, it hurts afterwards and makes my cheeks and throat puffy. It hurts my stomach to look at pictures of thin girls. I get a physical sensation of self hatred eroding my insides. I hate being me, and I hate that I've wasted so much time and energy on this hatred and still nothing is different. 

my stupid love life

I don't want to talk about my weight. Mostly because I'm embarrassed about how bad I've been this weekend. I just ate and ate, and I didn't purge any of it. I'm failing at losing weight, and at being healthier, and at having an eating disorder. I can't do any of it consistently or well.

Well, I don't want to talk about any of that. I want to talk about this guy. He's a really nice kid, we met in science class where we did this project together and sit next to each other and whisper back and forth. One day about a month or so ago he told me that he liked me, and then he asked me out to eat. I said yes, but never let him pay, and I never let him kiss me. We've been hanging out and talking a lot, and now I really like him as a friend. But I'll never like him as anything more than that, which really sucks. He's so nice, and funny, smart, patient, kind, and interesting. I could talk to him for years and never be bored. And I feel like I can trust him! He's kind of the best. But I'm just not into him that way at all. It's the worst.

So I finally told him that yesterday. And I left the conversation feeling like shit. Then he texted me and said it was okay, that we could be friends. So I was really happy all day, thinking of how awesome it was that he was such a nice person and that I'd finally cleared up that issue and now we could be best friends or something. But then he texted me that he thought it seemed like I was into him, and that he really did like me. So I was forced to say again, over text this time, that I don't like him that way, and that I was sorry for leading him on.

See, here's why I really feel bad- I knew he liked me, and I knew I was flirting. I was doing it to keep his attention, because it felt good to be liked and I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I know how awful I sound, and also how predictably selfish. I should be the better person. And I should be able to just let this go, but I can't. The guilt is eating me, and I told the guy how guilty I felt despite the fact that he's the last person I should tell that to.

I also told this guy I met over the summer and slept with. He's kinda funny, and our relationship is super weird. He's 18 years older than me, and he always tells me that we're going to date someday. Part of me kind of believes him, we could end up in love. But that's besides the point of my bringing hum up. I told him about the guy and then he told me that I should just give him a blow job. That he's the type of guy who never gets any and that I'm good at it, so I should. On the one hand, it would be a really nice thing of me to do, but on the other, I don't see how I could still be friends with the kid if I did that. And the second part of me is a lot more rational (and a lot less fun.)

Most of me knows that I should just let it go, that this situation will figure itself out and that I'm thinking into it too much. But a little (and very vocal) part of me knows that I did lead him on, and that I should feel bad, and that I should make it right, even if I don't have to. But is going down on him the right way to make things better? I don't know. I need a wise man's brain and hero's heart.

A little out of control

On the days I'm not restricting or purging, or looking at endless pictures of thin women, I feel like I can't call myself sick. For a long time I couldn't decide if it was fair to say I have some type of eating disorder or if I was just being dramatic. Now I'm pretty sure I do, but I still feel like a liar and a failure when I eat normally for a day.

Sunday was a total disaster. I took the 5am train from Philadelphia to Boston, it took until noon to get home. When I got back to my apartment I smoked and watched Grey's Anatomy and held off until 3pm to eat anything. And of course, that started an avalanche of terrible food. I won't list it because I might cry, but it was close to 3,000 calories. My roomies are concerned about my throwing up, so I felt too scared to purge. My stomach hurt so bad that I just crawled under the covers and slept, just so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I went shopping with my friend at the mall and had a smoothie and then a cinnamon roll from panera (I hate that place because I love that place). It was awful, I felt so gross that I ate the roll really fast and then threw it up in the mercifully empty public restroom.

Then this morning one of my roomies told me about the time she suffered from an eating disorder. I already knew, another roomie had told me, but it was good to finally hear it from her. She told me she knew I'm throwing up and that I should talk to her if I ever need to (and all that jazz, you know that conversation. I think everyone's been on both ends of that type of conversation at least once.)

I do need help. I'm out of control on this eating and throwing up thing. I spend so much energy hating myself that it's hurting my social life and my school work. And I'm not losing any weight, I can't control myself around food. I feel like this issue is becoming my life. I need a change of pace, but I really need this semester to end well, I need a good GPA and I need to keep my relationships with everyone strong so I still have friends when I'm done with this stupid eating thing. So much fucking pressure.

nothing, really

Yesterday I flew home from Boston to Philadelphia. It was an easy flight, all things considered. I never had a blip in plans, nothing was lost, and everyone was nice to me. The morning before the flight I woke up in my friend Sam's bed. I went over there to sell him brownies, but of course we both knew it was mostly to sleep with him. He's not great in bed, and he's kind of a weird guy. I don't know why I like him.

When my dad picked me up from the airport we stopped on the way home for lunch and to get groceries. For breakfast yesterday I ate a baconeggandcheese from panera(510), lunch with my dad was  watered down soda and a fancy grilled cheese with crab and tartar sauce (I have spent an hour looking for this restaurant's nutritional information and I can't find it anywhere, so I'm just going to say 700) dinner was pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a glass of milk (500) I also had a frozen mango pop in the car (60). So it was a bad day for eating, and I didn't purge any of it.

I haven't seen any friends from home yet, but I saw some of my brother's friends which was really nice. And I sold them brownies haha. I haven't smoked at all in the past two days, it's so strange. In Boston I smoke at least once a day lately. I miss it, but I think it's good for my body not to for this week.

Today I didn't eat anything until I had an oatmeal cranberry cookie that my grandmother made for me. I was over her house to help her prepare the food for thanksgiving tomorrow. I also got to hang out with my Aunt Janice, which is nice because she lives so far away in Colorado. My dad is always saying we'll go visit her, but we never have. I hope someday I can see the Rockies with her. When I got home I had pasta and sauce (410), a small salad(31), and 3 slices of bread(225). I also had a mango pop (60) for dessert.

I watched an old Gwyneth Paltrow movie, View from the Top, with my sister and spent the entire thing looking at her incredibly thin body. Seriously her arms and her stomach are amazing, and her legs are miles long. I wish I could look like her, but I know that's completely unrealistic. She's tall and long, two things I'll never be.

Besides the average blip of minor feeling, I've been completely empty of emotion since I left Sam's bed yesterday. It's not that I'm empty in that way, I'm not sad or depressed. I just don't have any strong emotions that have pulled me in one direction or another. I'm so used to being overwhelmed by my feelings that it's strange to walk a long corridor and realize that the whole time I haven't thought a single meaningful thought. Usually I'm bursting with things to say and emotions to express, but not yesterday and not today. I want my old self back, but this is a nice vacation.

I think I'd like to buy a new scale, a digital one. And I need to start making and shopping for all these christmas gifts I've been planning. I have no friends at home, but there are a few people I'd like to see. I want to see Matt, even though I still weigh the same as when I last saw him and I swore I wouldn't let that happen. I also think I'd like to get a tattoo of a sun just below my left collar bone. A small one, a circle with 6 little triangles around it. I drew it on with an eyeliner pen and I really like it. Maybe I should set it as a reward for getting to 120, a weight I think I was last at in elementary school (I'm such a fat kid.)

Wow this is such a long and meaningless post. Sorry you read it all the way to the end.

Kiss me, Hardy!

I hate being me. I hate all pictures that have ever been taken of me, and I hate myself for being this fat and disgusting for so long. Honestly, I'm so huge and revolting to look at, I don't know how people allow me to be anywhere near them. If I were them, I'd simply refuse to speak to such an ugly person. It's like I'm just naturally just less of a person because I'm not pretty and thin. (I pause here to reflect on the pure vile hatred I just wrote above. It makes me physically sick to feel and reflect on such strong hate and hurt. I think I might cry.)

Today I woke up at 7 to register for classes. I didn't get the schedule I wanted, so everything isn't ideal, but it's at least working out alright. I then went back to sleep until 10:30 when I decided not to go to class today. I ate some toast and enjoyed the morning sun instead. So I showered and smoked and went to school to play with Pro Tools, an audio program I'm learning and that I really like. I drank lots of caffeine and took caffeine pills so I got jittery and lightheaded. At one point I was working at the radio station and I almost fell out of my seat from the the dizziness when I leaned to pick something up.

Then I ate some soup from Panera, came home, smoked more weed, did philosophy homework and helped bake edibles to sell. Then I ate some of what we made, which I threw up because I didn't want to get too stoned and I didn't want the sugar calories. Then I ate more food (wheat crackers and corn flakes) and smoked more weed. I talked with roommates and cried alone over ugly pictures of myself. When I made myself upset enough over the pictures I threw up the rest of the food. I think almost everything came up, not totally sure. Then I texted people I know who might buy the edibles. Just now I told the guy how much and he said "how about we skip the $x and I take you to dinner." I don't even like him that way!! I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. He's really daring to say that, but I don't think I'm attracted to him. Oh no.

I'm so mad at myself for getting into this, the cycle of starve, binge, purge. But I'd also really like to just lose as much weight as possible before Christmas pictures. I know I can do this. I can restrict and vomit up my mistakes. It's absolutely fine, and I am absolutely in control.

Knots

After I wrote here last night I tried to go to sleep but ended up tossing and turning thinking about registration for classes. So I sat in the kitchen an did some more research, and then my roommate came and sat across the table. She cried that she couldn't sleep, I was worrying her. She said she knows I throw up, that all my roommates know. And she knows I sleep with men I meet online, she thinks its stupid and dangerous.

It was like she ripped all my secrets away from me. On some level I knew that she knew, and I knew that the other roommies know, too. But it really hurt to hear that from her. She made me feel so stupid and pathetic. They all talk about me, like I'm someone to pity.

I cried, too. Then we talked about her complicated boy problem, and then we went to bed at 3am.

I spent all day thinking about a lot of things. First, how angry I am at her. But also how grateful I am to have her care so much about my health and safety. I'm embarrassed about the online sex thing, I hate myself for being careless. I hate them for looking. My stomach hurts with worry, the pain of throwing up so often these past couple days, and all the caffeine. I take caffeine pills and drink way too much tea. Now I'm just lying in the house, not talking about the only thing I can think about. I'm dying a little at a time, I think.

Today-
apple (purged in the school bathroom)
cheese
gummies
potato soup
bread
butter
hot tea
cold tea
peanut bar (purged)

the total might be around 1000, not really exactly sure. But I'm not exactly sure today's calorie count even matters.

I was thinking of maybe taking the day off tomorrow, but with all the work I have and all the responsibilities, I don't think it's really an option.

And on top of it all, I think I'm going to get a C in ethics, despite my best efforts. And probably a C in science, too, but I deserve that one.

Self Sabatoge

I sleep with a lot of guys I meet online. I'm fat and I look bad in pictures, I'm not really pretty, at least not in any way more than a passing average. And I know that I could look 100 times better if I weighed at least under 120 pounds. Like at that weight I would look slim, but definitely not hot, not the best I could be. I think I'd look good at under 110 ultimately. (check out this website, what real women look like. It's awesome for comparing weights and heights, and a lot of times good thinspo.)

If I want to be the best looking that I can be, I need to be slim. And slim girls work for their bodies. So I'm thinking to jumpstart my new diet with a ton of caffeine. Today I had two excedrine (with caffeine) and a cup of super caffeinated tea. I didn't eat until 7:30 and I was buzzing off the high of caffeine with no food to soften the affects. I was super sharp, to the point of being light-headed and having shaking hands and racing heartbeat. It was kind of fun, like walking line of crazy and sane.

I had two classes, and in my journalism class, my professor critiqued our screen presence. I look obese on camera. I have a lumpy body, chubby cheeks, no defined jaw line, and squinty eyes. I've gained at least ten pounds since September (my scale broke and I have terrible eating habits lately, not helped by the enormous amount of weed I smoke with my roommates) and I can tell by my face and my arms. My best guess is that I weigh somewhere around 146 pounds, ten more than I did on the first of October.

Anyway. I had all the caffeine and a terrible day of fatness, and then I came home and ate a slice of bread and drank half a glass of wine at 4pm. Then I cleaned the whole house and ate sushi at 7:30 (about 450 calories). Then I made the mistake of smoking with my roommates. So I had a pot of tea and a few tea cookies that ended up turning into 6 plain tea cookies, 3 oreos, two mini chocolates, and a bunch of little crackers. It was probably close to 600 calories (so not the worst binge ever, it could have been globs of peanut butter or full-fat ice cream or salty fried chips, but it was still bad) I felt sort of bad, but not really all that terrible until I started looking at pictures of myself on Facebook.

I am so ugly and fat. Pictures of my face only look good from certain angles, and pictures of my body almost never look attractive. I worked myself up so much that I went into the bathroom, shut the door, turned on the shower and vomited everything that would come up. I kept going and going until I could only spit up the water I was drinking to help everything come out. It hurt, but it was a good punishment and (sort-of) a fix for the bad eating I'd done earlier. Now I'm drinking chamomile tea as I write this.

This whole way of thinking about myself sucks because I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a feminist who can support herself and be happy regardless of how I look, but I really care about looks. Feeling fat seriously controls a lot of my thoughts throughout the day. When I am happiest I am not thinking about my weight at all. (But then again, I think of my weight least when I'm not focused on losing any) It's a catch 22. If I don't focus on losing weight I'll never lose any, but if I think about it, I'll definitely think about it too much and it'll make me sad and then I'll binge and then I'll starve and the whole eating disorder cycle starts again.

But another part of me wants that to happen, cause at least then I'd be skinny and in control of my body. I lost 12 pounds in September. I think I can do that again before I go home for Christmas break. Then hopefully I can be home for Christmas and come back to Cambridge quickly so I can work, make money, and not sit at home and eat Christmas junk food with my family. Then I could maybe maybe maybe be 132 on New Year's Day? I would love that. It would mean I could make a nice resolution like weigh under 120 by summer and start on a good foot so it could maybe come true.

I have all these plans to be thin, but in the mean time I need someone to talk to and give me their attention. So I keep sleeping with men double my age who I meet online. They like me because I'm young and taboo. Or I sleep with college boys who flirt with me drunkenly at parties. I can be so drunk I can't function, and they'll still try to sleep with me, and of course I'll say yes. They like me because I'm easy. And after I have sex with these people I always feel bad, but I keep seeking out unattached sex because I need the attention- I need to feel wanted, even if it's in the cheapest way. I want a relationship but I know I'm not good enough for one, so I sleep with everyone, which only makes me less worthy of good relationship.

My life is a mess. I just wish I could fix it all without making it a big deal. When I think about therapy (which I tried last week) it makes me feel like I'm not strong enough to handle my life and my problems on my own. Poor people can deal with much bigger obstacles than mine without any help. I'm just too lazy, too incapable, and too whiney. I'm spoiled. Or maybe just too stupid to figure life out.

losing my everything

I haven't written anything here in a while. I haven't written anything anywhere else, either and it's making me crazy to think of all the time I'm losing. Not that it's lost, I can still remember. But I'm worried that I'll lose all the memories if I don't write them down, and it feels false to write them down later.

Last night we hosted yet another party, and it was way too many people. Everyone was drinking our alcohol and smoking our weed and making too much noise in our house, where we got in trouble when the cops came. I hate all these stupid college kids.

I'm applying to a waitstaff temp agency. It's basically a catering company. I'm so incredibly nervous for the interview, but I'm excited that I might be able to start making some money. I spend far too much to on weed and alcohol and shitty food that's making me fat.

But I just cannot stop eating. I'm so gross but I just can't stop. All I want to do is eat and eat and eat. It's terrible. Alright. I need to stop writing, it's making me cry. 

assault

In my freshman year I was sexually assaulted at a party. It was terrible in the moment and I cried for a few days and tried to talk to friends about it. They comforted me and told me it wasn't my fault, but I know it was. I was too drunk and too stupid.

I feel like my assault doesn't count because I'm not messed up about it. I still trust men (maybe a little too much) and I still go home with people from parties. I'm dumb, maybe.

Everyone's talking about sexual assault now, it's a big deal online and in my school. And I feel like a jackass because it hurt me, but didn't mean that much to me, either. Also I feel like as a woman I should have reported him. But I don't want to ruin his life or career over a stupid mistake at a party.

frazzled

I feel like someone emptied the contents of my brain and mixed it all up and then expected me to function normally. I'm sober (well, hung over really) and I feel like I'm high, except with none of the giggles and all of the confusion. My brain can't stay on one topic for more than a tiny amount of time and I'm so unbearably sad and ashamed of myself.

At least I finally hit my goal weight. Two days in a row I'm 136, one of my magic numbers. Another is 134, where I was stuck for about 3 months once on a really long plateau. The lowest I've been since I can remember (like since I was 12) is 130. I'd really like to be under that and into the 120's by Halloween.

I went on a date with a really nice guy I met online. He's tall and dresses like a hipster but is totally approachable and funny and genuine. He seems really moral, which I like but am also a bit weary of, as I am not a very moral person. But I guess he could make me better. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, I think we're going to the park. One thing though, is that he's really skinny. His forearms and thighs are smaller than mine and standing next to him makes me look short and plump. If my calculations are right, I think he's only at the most 10 pounds heavier than me, and he's nearly a foot taller.

I can't focus anymore. I think I'll go to sleep.

To myself

Maybe I should stop telling people my goals and dreams. Because I don't want them to wonder why I never achieve them, and I don't need the humiliation of them knowing I failed when I do. Really I should just keep it all to myself.

Yesterday I had waffles for breakfast with maple syrup and sweet. The whole meal ended up close to 1,000 calories. I walked and biked a lot, but it was still too much, especially at only 11am. I had rice and potatoes and Indian curry for dinner and pita chips and a granola bar when I was drunk.

Oh, the alcohol calories, too. Lots of those. I think it was 2 glasses of wine, 4 shots rum and a beer (plus a lot of marijuana for good measure.) It's too much for my own good.

Despite all this, and the fact that the day before was even worse, I'm so close to my goal. I was 136.6 this morning. I weighed myself and got 136.0 at first, a few times in a row. Then I weighed myself again a few minutes later and got 136.6. I think I'll stick with the higher one and just be happy with it. I need to keep up the losing streak and get to 135 as soon as possible. I want my calorie intake to stay comfortably under 1,000 for this week.

so gross

I got high and ate to much yesterday. I had a whole bag of popcorn and a bowl of soup. Then my roommate made cinnamon buns and I ate those too. So I took a bunch of laxies before bed and I've been feeling the pain ever since. I fucking hate laxatives but I need them. Ouch.

boys boys boys

I swear all I think about lately is boys. I must be like super hormonal or something but all I can think about is talking to them, kissing them, and what it's like to fall in love. This guy from home texted me, wanting me to come see him some weekend soon. My heart was so happy when he was texting me I could barely handle it.

The problem is I'm also crushing on a lot of guys at once. I just love talking to them and need someone to be constantly talking to me. It's like an attention addiction or something. I don't remember ever being like this before.

And it's like a hierarchy. I have a few favorites, ones I like to talk to most. And when I feel like I'm bothering them too much I go to the next one and then the next one and so on. It's taking up far too much of my brain power.

I should be using that brain power to do things for my career or focusing on losing weight or something, I don't know.

One bad thing about our conversation today was that he sent me pictures of the girl he slept with on Saturday. She was so cute and tiny. I'm guessing her BMI was around 16 or 17. So I spent almost a whole train ride thinking about how I want to someday weigh less than half of this guy. He's 6'5 and very muscular, not at all skinny, but almost no fat either. I'm going to guess between 200 and 220. (It's so hard for me to tell guy's weights, it's so much easier with girls) So that would mean I would ideally weigh between 100 and 110 pounds if I were dating him (which is in my healthy bmi range, so I'd still look normal and could maybe even lose more from there)

I'm at a plateau for the last week, but I'm happy considering I lost 8 pounds since August 25. That may not be a lot for the girls online, but it's significant for me. I really want to lose another 2 pounds by Oct 1, though so I can finally be at my goal of 136. Then I think I could lose another 6 by Halloween and be 130. Wouldn't that just be perfect?

I keep dreaming about it... 120 by New Years Eve? That would be too fabulous for words. I haven't been 120 since middle school. middle school. Now that's pathetic. I wasted my high school and half my college years being fat. I'd be so much happier if I were skinny. I swear a third of my thinking time goes to hating how much I eat and how I look. My chest just fills with this enormous hatred and it kills me slowly. Luckily I've found a few ways to rescue myself so all my time isn't wasted and I can at least get some other things accomplished.

Maybe I should go to the school therapist.

137.8

Remember when I said I was doing great? Remember when I said I wouldn't binge and purge anymore? haha it all ended today.

breakfast- smoothie
lunch- 1/2 salad and a peanut bar

I came home and just ate almost 600 calories worth of chips and fruit gummies. Then I had another 600 calories of pasta and sauce. I threw about half of everything up, cried for a while then put on nice make-up and a fancy black dress and went to a sorority event. I hate everything.

This guy I was seeing over the summer and I have been talking the last week and we decided I'd fly down to see him the first weekend of October. I really want to be 135 by then, which would be 8 pounds less than the last time I saw him. I want him to know that I'm working for it, and I want him to want me even more. If another day like today ever happens, I don't know if I'll reach my goal.

shots

I saw a guy I hadn't seen since December last night. We had a bit of a romantic thing going on then, and it's still kind of unsure if it'll pick up again. I don't think I want to be involved with him again, but who knows what I'll say when I'm drunk.

Anyway. I saw him for the first time in a long while and he was thrilled to see me. He just kept looking at me and smiling and he said twice "You look really good."

ugh. I get such a high off of things like that. Last time I saw him I think I weighed somewhere around 155 pounds and last night I weighed 139.2 just as I was leaving the house. He had to leave to go do some homework or whatever and I kissed him as he was trying to leave. I meant to just kiss him once, but he held me tighter and kissed me like he meant it. Then I looked at him and said "I think you were just leaving?"

I ended up sleeping with one of his frat brothers and leaving. Ha. I'm kind of a slut but I love it so much. I love feeling like an object of desire. And I love having sex. Is that such a crime?

I woke up this morning to such a beautiful number. 137.8. That's less than 2 pounds away from one of my biggest benchmark numbers. It's the point when I'll be in the "normal" bmi range, somewhere I haven't been since freshman year. From there it'll only be another 15 pounds to my 21st birthday goal of 121. I want to 136 by next weekend. 

High

No one else would understand so I have to write it here.

I had a smoothie for breakfast:
-frozen berries (58)
-banana (105)
-1/2 cup of vanilla non fat yogurt (85)

a small sweet tea around lunch time (80)

and a low-fat string cheese for dinner (70)

If I counted right I should be just around 400 calories for the day. Fuck yes. I was on a hunger high today. I went shopping and couldn't tell which of my thoughts about the clothes were rational or strange. It was a lot like smoking weed except less giggly and spacey. It was just the irrationality and mellow energy. No wonder fasting is a religious experience.

I love it. But also I know I can't live my life this way. I'd be no fun for my friends and I would never accomplish anything. I'd make terrible decisions and just be a generally inconsiderate person. I don't think starving long term is good for your brain.

But I'm still going to try my best to eat the lowest amount I can and still function. I have so many life goals and I'm not putting them on hold to be thin. I can do both. I am a strong and capable person. Or so I tell myself when I'm high on emptiness.

I really love my classes. They all inspire or teach me in different ways. One of my classes is a little too easy, but that's okay. It's still going to be a good class and it'll cut down some of my stress level. I'm writing this while I take a brea from outlining the US Constitution. I thought it would be boring, but I love doing it. Constitutional law is fascinating.

xx

139.2

Victory is mine. I woke up to 139.2 this morning which means I'm FINALLY out of the 140s. I could bounce up again tomorrow because of water or whatever, but I'm happy for today. I've been steadily losing and it feels amazing. I'm just trying to brace myself for what could be a serious plateau coming up.

Besides my good numbers, today I was sad. I blacked out the end of last night, but apparently I threw up. I hate throwing up drunk. I'm glad to be rid of the calories but throwing up is nasty when you can't control yourself.

I just feel like total shit lately. I'm losing and I feel great about that but I also have so far to go. I have this irrational fear that even if I get to the numbers I want so badly I'm still going to look the same as I did when I weighed 150. I'll still have the round cheeks and squishy arms and enormous thighs.

I want to be thin so much, and finally food is not my controller. For a few weeks now I've gone without any major binges. I did eat a little bit of junk here and there, but there was no late-night raiding of the panty or the freezer. I eat half of what I'm given most days and skip as much as possible. I eat as healthy as I can and focus on whats going to make me feel full the longest for the lowest amount of calories. I figured out I start to feel week and dizzy if I go under 700, but that's not sustainable anyway. 750 to 1200 calories is the sweet spot for sure.

Life, man

For once when I said I'd be restricting last time I posted, I actually followed through. I've been aiming for under 1,000 everyday and I've gotten it most of the time. On my move-in day I went over by a lot,  was around 1,600, but I was moving heavy boxes all day so I think it almost  balanced out to an okay day. Yesterday I only had 629 calories; I had a yogurt and strawberry smoothie (158), a cheese stick and two pieces of sushi (162), and a chicken patty, snow peas, and hummus (309)

I woke up to a good weight this morning, 140.8 which is less than I was all of August. But I also feel like all the life was drained out of me. I had another smoothie this morning but my hands are shaking slightly and I have blurred vision. I hate being this hungry. I'm in compete restrict mode and everything that has to do with food and getting fatter seems slightly repulsive. I'm glad for this, as it makes reaching my goals easier, but I wish I was getting that hunger high and all the clarity I'm used to. I want to be 136 by this concert on the 14th. Besides hitting a major plateau, I know this could happen. It's completely in my power to lose 4 pounds in 9 days.

I really like my new apartment. It's located right near the train to school and it has lots of adorable little shops all around. Plus I love my housemates. The only bad thing is that we've been smoking a lot of weed which has made it harder for me to not eat. Once when we smoked I ended up eating too much cheese and crackers. I took some laxies and I think it's all better now.

Maybe tonight we will have people over to drink. I think that would be so much fun. I just have to be careful not to drink too many calories.

Wish me luck getting this goal :)

Restrict

For the first time in like forever I'm managing to restrict. I'm not the healthiest but I am managing to eat a lot less than I have been this summer.

On the 25th I weighed 146.6 and I had a net intake of 1,651
26th- 145.4 net 1522
27th- 144.8 net 1,101
28th- 144.2 net 964

And then a miracle happened. I woke up this morning to 141.4, lower than I've seen in weeks and almost 3 pounds less than yesterday. I know this could just be a fluke but I'm hopeful it's a kickstart towards real loss. I had a strawberry and yogurt smoothie and a bagel with cream cheese for lunch and a slice of my dad's banana bread around 8pm, thats all for the day. Today I'm restricting again.
so far-
v8 juice and a nectarine (122)
chicken, mushroom, spinach sandwich (I picked at it and left most of the bread) (340)
pop chips (100)
diet tea (0)

I think I'm going to have another smoothie now since I'm getting hungry and I don't want to binge. But I'm counting yesterday as the first binge-free day and I'll try and see how long I can go before I crack.

Imagine if I really was going to start losing again? I could maybe reach 136 for the first time since October 2011. That's one of my big benchmarks since it's the highest weight for the "healthy" bmi range. yeah. I'm a fat loser, I know. and it's all about being one step closer to 121 by my 21st birthday. if I get there early, I'll aim lower, but that's the plan for now.

Send me good energy, I need this.

20

It was my birthday yesterday, and I was 146 pounds. Last year I was 154, so at least I weigh a little less than last year. Still. That's really sad that I only lost 8 pounds. I need to be pretty and thin on my 21st birthday. When people take pictures of me with my first legal beer in a bar, I want to be wearing a sleeveless dress and have beautiful thin arms. I don't want to have to hold in my stomach in all those pictures of me with a 21 birthday crown.

I had a nice birthday, though. My Dad took me out to breakfast at this secret restaurant in town. You actually need a key to get in, and my Dad got me my own copy of the key for my birthday. How sweet! He also bought me a blender that comes with smoothie travel cups. That is going to be so useful for making low-cal filling meals for school. Whenever I have smoothies, they always make me really full which is nice. They have more calories than just like an apple or something, but they're filling and actually feel like a meal. Maybe I'll make a smoothie diet plan.

The big goal I want to make for this year is definitely to stop binging. I know I always talk about it, but I want that aspect of my life gone forever. I need to stop giving the finger to my health and happiness whenever I see chips or a bagel store. I'm worth more than a brownie when I'm high. Of course, I'd also like to weigh less. How poetic does a goal of 121 sound for a 21st birthday? That would mean losing 25 pounds, which in a year is totally doable. Of course, I've never managed it before, but I'll try even harder this time.

Is there actually something wrong with me or am I dramatic and average?

I remember once in my first semester of university I had a terrible binge day. I walked to get a bagel from the on campus cafe. I ate it and immediately wanted more. I was too embarrassed to buy another so I walked two blocks to a bagel shop. The store was closed so I walked back to campus and then another 3 blocks in the other direction. I went to a different bagel store and bought 2 bagels and ate them in under 5 minutes even though I had gotten a different order than I'd asked for and didn't even like salt bagels. I then walked back to my dorm room and ate a full bag of chips. Then I cried and berated myself and looked at thinspo. I took around 10 laxatives and went to sleep early. The next day I felt terrible and slept and watched movies and vowed never to binge again. That afternoon I ate a full bag of gold fish crackers, 3 granola bars, and a full bag of gummy bears.

I think those were some of the worst days of my life. I wish I could say I've gotten better, but I haven't.

do what you want

I miss working out. I hate starting and taking time from whatever else I'm doing, but I love how accomplished I feel when I do it consistently. I hate restricting what I eat, but I do like exercising. Pushing myself is kind of fun.

less than

It's been a really crushing day. I went to the beach for the first time this summer with my family and wore a bikini. I looked so bad in it, and my skinny health freak aunt and anorexic cousin were judging me. Then we all ate cinnamon buns for lunch (my aunt's big splurge of the week, and she only had half) and I felt like everyone was watching to see how much the fattest girl in the family would have.

Then we drove home to go to a family friend's going away party. Her uncle sat next to me at the "adult" table and condescendingly talked to me like I was some kind of free loading idiot. He asked about my new apartment and then made a comment to my dad about how much he was spending for it. I said it was actually cheaper than a dorm, and he asked me if I knew you had to pay for HBO. I was seething. Of course I know you have to pay for premium tv channels and I have never subscribed to them in my life, I'm not a spoiled brat who just expects everything. Then we were talking about reading books and I said I'd actually read a lot this summer. He then made some remark about me taking advantage of my dad's credit card to buy things off the internet. Um, no. I use my own money to buy the things I want and I'm sorry I'm completely financially independent by age 19. I hate people who talk down to those younger than them, it's like he doesn't realize I have thoughts or feelings just because I'm not 30 and married like him.

I got an exit from the party in order to drop off my brother for a camping trip with his friends. They're sleeping all together on this island on our river before they all move into their college dorms at the end of the week. Listening to them talk about all the people that would be there and all the booze and adventure I was so flattened. I was jealous of their friendship, and how my brother turned out cool and I turned out to be the fat emotional older sister who thinks she's cool because she occasionally drinks with her sorority sisters. He's always been better than me, but soon without the barrier of college and high school everyone will be able to see it so much more clearly.

There are so many reasons I'll never be happy or successful, but I feel like today I was reminded by a lot of them all at once. I'm sure tomorrow will only be worse. 

I'm getting really anxious

Let's face it. My one goal this summer was to get under 130 and I failed. I only have two weeks left before school starts and I've gained weight this summer. I started at 143, was briefly 138 and now I'm at a startling 146.6. I am so ashamed of myself.

Also I'm starting to think kind irrationally. Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about colonics and whether it would help me lose weight. ew.

down

I spent all day binging today. I ate 3 small chocolate chip pancakes with nutella and ice tea for breakfast, and then half a bag of chips and some chocolate candies all day. I was so bloated from all I ate and all the water I drank that I couldn't eat the delicious and nutritious dinner my dad made for our family. I make me sick. I only wish literally, then all this shit would be out of me.

I think I'm gonna go take a lot of laxies now.

fruit fast

Fat Piggy suggested a fruit fast this morning. I'm really excited to join her on this. Peaches, plums, and nectarines are all in season here on the east coast, and I'm going picking this afternoon. But I'm making it a fruit/veg fast because I'm also excited about the zucchini, tomatoes, corn, and peppers that are almost ready in my backyard garden. It's going to be such a good week for feeling healthy and losing weight.

I worked 30 hours on my feet in the last 3 days. It was SO exhausting. I don't think I can do another weekend like that one again. It was constant running around, waitressing is always tiring, but this weekend was a total drain.

The good thing about that is that I woke up this afternoon (yes, I slept until 1pm, a full 13 hours of sleep) to 141.2. I am so happy about this number! I was 144 on Thursday and ate total crap all weekend. I never eat when I working so the past three nights I've come home and eaten a couple bowls of cereal and then a few spoons of pb straight from the jar. Eating at midnight is horrible for you, but I was the type of hungry that prevents you from falling asleep. That and I was so emotional from being yelled at all day that I had zero self-control.

I think I'd like to go swim laps today. I need to find a pool with a reasonable guest admission rate. Who do these snotty bitches think they are, charging $15 for a few hours in their pool?

Thanks, Portia

I read Portia di Rossi's Unbearable Lightness last week. I read it in only two days; it was an amazing. In the epilogue she talked about how she finally healed and recovered and how diets don't work. Feeling deprived always makes you want to binge. So now she has this radical eating plan- she just eats whatever the hell she wants. If she feels like ice cream, then she eats it. If ice cream sounds too sweet or too cold, she doesn't. She eats healthy because it makes her feel good.

So I think that's what I'm going to do. I've been counting calories on my ipod since 2009. And I am still at almost the same weight I was then. Obviously it's done me no good. I'm trying to choose the foods that will make me feel my best, and not think about the calories.

It's really hard though. At work yesterday I caught my image in the mirror and started to cry. I look so disgustingly huge. So I went into the bathroom to sob and count up everything I'd eaten that day. It was awful and sent my head spinning off to that self-loathing, number-crunching place it always goes.

But this is going to be good for me. The control freak in me is screaming that I'm losing weeks of data. That I should keep tallying my calories simply because I always have and having that much data is comforting.

Another big thing in my life is that I broke up with my boyfriend. I've never been dumped or really broken up with anyone, it's always been that we come to a mutual decision that the relationship is not working or there is some obstacle in the way of us being together, like one of us moving 6 hours away. But this time I broke up with him. He cried and I felt bad. And then I cried when he was gone and called him to apologize and asking if I was too harsh.

I feel empty now. I didn't realize that breaking up with someone is so hard. The thing I have to keep reminding myself of is that I never was really in love with him. I was in love with having someone to see all the time, having someone to claim me as his, and I was in love with the physicality of it. But he himself I was never in love with. Does that sound awful? So I have to keep reminding myself that I don't miss him, I miss being in a relationship. Someone else, someone I like, is bound to come along. Right?

try again

I went running on my high school's track this afternoon and it rained so much that my socks were full of water and my shirt was soaked through. I only ended up running for 20 minutes, but I guess that's better than nothing. I wish I had endurance and will power enough to be a real runner. I'm such a gross lump, the opposite of a beautiful graceful runner.

I'm trying to cut out gluten. Which is hard, cause I pretty much live on bread and bagels. (Which is why I am so absolutely disgusting)

b- greek yogurt, wheat germ (140)
l- raspberries, walnuts (223)
s- cheese stick, green goodness smoothie (340)

Thing is once I get myself stuck on "eating healthy" like this I tend to let it consume me. All I can do is watch the clock and wait for the next time I'm allowed to eat or supposed to exercise. I turn it into this awful overly-structured nightmare for myself.

But I just have to get to Sunday. I need to stay under 1000 each day until then and hopefully that'll get my weight under 139. On Sunday night I'm going to see a friend who I haven't seen in a while in Philadelphia. I missed him a lot, so I was really happy to get the invitation.

It's not that 3 pounds is going to show or anything, I'm not stupid. I'd just like to be able to think to myself a number in the 130's and not the 140's like I have been all summer.

After that goal, I have another. By the time July is over I want to be officially in the "normal" BMI range and weigh under 136. The goal after that is another 6 pounds in August, so that I'll be 129.something on move-in day for my new apartment.

I know I make this goal list constantly. Even with the same goal dates (130 by school, 125 by Halloween, 118 by New Year's.) But I'm breaking it up even smaller this time. And I feel like I can really do it. Just as long as there are no big disasters, anyway.

stuff

I have too much stuff. I'm looking around my room and thinking about all the crap I hold onto. I don't even use most of it. What the fuck?

But if I get rid of it I'll just replace it with something else useless. When I move into my apartment this fall I'm going to try to bring only the essentials. I don't need clutter filling up my new life. But ah! I'm such a material girl! How can I live without 6 types of mascara and boxes of unopened bic pens?

That whole minimalist life is so enticing. Thing is, I'm no good at it. I love my things, and I constantly think about getting more things. Maybe I just need a better organization strategy.

Also. I've been working a fair amount this summer and I still haven't saved up that much money. I spend way too quickly. Especially since I haven't even been seeing people. I've just been compulsively shopping. And goodness only knows why. I'm too fat to be buying dresses and shorts.

Speaking of. I've been the same weight all summer. This fucking sucks. And I'll probably write that exact same thing in another month, which sucks even more.

brb. I'm going for a run now.

lets just lie in bed all day

let's just lie in bed all day
watch movies
talk about nothing

let me kiss every inch of you
breathe you in
entwine myself in your fingers

let the phone ring
don't answer the door
the emails can wait

let's just lie in bed all day
twist up the sheets
whisper to me secret dreams

Different than I am

Food is my secret but it shows all over me. I eat as my secret splurge, in the same way I go clothes shopping. I don't know why I've always had it in my head that what and how much you eat is a private matter, much the same as your bank account or your sex life.

I'm a glutton. I lust after salt and doughy carbs and sugar. Changing this fact about me would be similar to changing my name. But I want that. I want to be different than I am. I want to ignore bad foods, pass them up and not then focus on them, longing for minutes or hours or days until I can finally eat them. I want food to let up its grip on me.

Lately I've been exercising more. I run and bike and swim. I go on walks with my dog each evening. But I need to be more regular in my efforts, and maybe then I'll lose weight the way I did in high school when I ran track. Is it possible without the motivation and strict scheduling of a team?

This holiday weekend I'm not working, I'm with my cousins in the mountains. We've been walking and swimming, but we're eating holiday foods. grilled cheese, chicken and corn, bagels, chips and hummus.  And all the while my health-freak aunt is commenting on weight, giving me glances as if she knows she's hurting me but is deciding to say these things anyway.

I eat too much

today-

2 eggs scrambled (204)

oj (84)

4 popsicles (4x40=160)

apple (95x3=285)

green beans (17)

grilled chicken (200)

bbq sauce (70)

grilled shrimp (100)

grilled red potato (65)

milk (2x83= 166)

biking (-135)

total= 1216

Okay so I thought that was all going to add up to a lot more than it did. And it actually looks healthier than I feel like I was today. So that's a relief, sort of. Besides the barbecue sauce and the oj, it's actually not that bad.

I had an idea. I recently cut my hair short (I simultaneously hate and love it) and I was thinking that if by the time my hair is to my elbow again I am not under 120, I'll donate all the money I have saved to some dreadful organization like the Westboro Baptists or something. 

I spent the majority of the day laying around, both inside and outside, listening to an audiobook about a depresses admissions officer at Princeton. It was both a boring book and one that made me really sad. I'm now reading Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld. She is my favorite author but so far I am not all that impressed by this book. I'm almost 100 pages in and I don't really feel much of anything for any of the characters.

I'm bored. Really bored. And I don't have the energy to arrange to see my friends. It's far too inconvenient. I really should though, because otherwise I'll get no practice at staying in touch when I'm a busy and boring adult.

Please can summer be over so I can go back to college?

happy summer

Today is the official start of summer. In two ways, actually. It's the first day of summer on the calendar as yesterday was the summer solstice. Also, yesterday was the day my brother graduated from High School and my little sister finished her sophomore year. Now is the beginning of their summer.

I, on the other hand, am almost to the half-way point of my summer. I've been home since mid-April and I'm dying slowly of missing my friends. Of course a lot of this could be fixed by communication, but I'm bad at that and afraid of rejection.

All day I've been lying in bed, listening to an audio book and shopping online. I need to go outside and enjoy the weather but I am lazy. All I really want to do is get high with my boyfriend. But at least I finally got around to tie-dying a white cotton dress I bought that was too transparent. Even with good beige underwear you could see everything. Not the best look, exactly.

I think I'm going to go lift weights and do push-ups until my arms fall off and then buy tanning oil and lie on a towel. Sounds like the perfect recipe for becoming Michelle Obama to me.

Ciao.

let's think about this diet thing

I've started exercising again. I go running and then come home and do crunches and lunges and squats. I don't hate it, but I don't feel the most motivation to do it. It's just... ugh. I still weigh 142. I was 139 at some point, but that only lasted like 3 days. I was 145 when I got back from Europe, and now I weigh in pretty consistently 142.something.

But what really needs the most attention is my diet. I'm addicted to sugar and salt. I need to cook more of my own food so I'll have more time to think through what I'm going to put in my body. You are what you eat and I'm a load of shit.

On the up side, I got a nice sun burn yesterday before it started to rain. My shoulders and stomach are a nice uncomfortable pink. I'm hoping this leads to some sort of base color. lol. Who am I kidding? We all know I'll be this shade of white forever.

Well. Time to go do some jumping jacks in the garage. We had pizza for dinner and I had too many m&m's (which are like the most sneaky and terrible candy in the universe. I hate them. But I also love them.)

June is half done

I think he likes me the way I am, but there are all those little comments. Am I being too sensitive, or is he trying to subtly tell me I need to lose weight? Either way it's really bothering me.

My weight has stayed the same since I returned from Europe. I need to commit to some sort of diet plan so I can kick into weight loss mode. Maybe I'll pick up a running hobby or something. I dunno, something like that would be nice.

Can you believe we're about half way finished with the month of June? It's always the month that moves most quickly for me.

uncomfortable ramblimgs

Emma Watson is 5'4 and weighs 110 pounds. This means her BMI is 18.9. I am 5'2, so if I wanted to be the same BMI as Emma, I'd have to be 103.5 pounds.

Could you imagine if I looked like Emma? I'd be so much more beautiful if I could only become more like her.

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday where I was tested for all these diseases and given a script for birth control. I plan to start it today so that it'll start working as soon as possible.

I'm worried that I'm changing myself too much for this guy I'm seeing. He convinced me to cut my hair, something I had no desire to do. He also convinced me to go on birth control, another thing I didn't want. I also smoke far more than I used to and speak in a way I never have before.

Am I that silly girl who changes shape just to fit in someone's arms a little more comfortably? Sadly, I'll happily answer 'yes' if it means I end up under 130 pounds by July.

today:
2 pancakes (440)
1 glass oj (112)
30 minutes bike ride (-101)

I got my haircut on Saturday, about 8 inches off. Then I wasn't happy with it, it was an awkward length. So this afternoon I cut more off. But I'm not sure if I like it.

This morning I weighed in at 141.4. It's so frustrating that only 3 days ago I was at 139.4. Why does my weiht have to bounce around like this? Why can't it just go steadily downwards like I want it to?

Lonely

I'm with this guy. He's really sweet to me and constantly tells me how beautiful I am. It's wonderful to be around him. But on Saturday night we had sex without a condom and he didn't pull out. I was so freaked out! He was totally nice and took me to get the morning after pill. I almost cried when I took it, it just felt so wrong and terrible.

He feels bad, like it's his fault. But really it's both of our faults and I don't blame him at all. Despite that, I still feel terrible, and the worry over getting pregnant is making me crazy. I know there's almost no chance but... you know. It's still scary.

I wish it weren't true, but the whole ordeal makes me feel extremely lonely. I don't really have people I want to talk to about it, and I feel awful telling the guy. I don't want him to feel guilty. I scheduled an appointment with planned parenthood, but I'm scared to go. What if it's really scary there? I'm so nervous.

The one great thing about all this is that I'm eating less and I've gotten down to the 130's again, the first time I've seen those numbers since 2011. I'm hoping by July I'll be solidly in the 120's. I know that sounds slow to you guys, but I've always been slow to lose, even with lots of diet and exercise.

Wish me luck, lovelies.