139.2

Victory is mine. I woke up to 139.2 this morning which means I'm FINALLY out of the 140s. I could bounce up again tomorrow because of water or whatever, but I'm happy for today. I've been steadily losing and it feels amazing. I'm just trying to brace myself for what could be a serious plateau coming up.

Besides my good numbers, today I was sad. I blacked out the end of last night, but apparently I threw up. I hate throwing up drunk. I'm glad to be rid of the calories but throwing up is nasty when you can't control yourself.

I just feel like total shit lately. I'm losing and I feel great about that but I also have so far to go. I have this irrational fear that even if I get to the numbers I want so badly I'm still going to look the same as I did when I weighed 150. I'll still have the round cheeks and squishy arms and enormous thighs.

I want to be thin so much, and finally food is not my controller. For a few weeks now I've gone without any major binges. I did eat a little bit of junk here and there, but there was no late-night raiding of the panty or the freezer. I eat half of what I'm given most days and skip as much as possible. I eat as healthy as I can and focus on whats going to make me feel full the longest for the lowest amount of calories. I figured out I start to feel week and dizzy if I go under 700, but that's not sustainable anyway. 750 to 1200 calories is the sweet spot for sure.