Cycle 2 Day 1

Welcome to all my new followers! I suddenly have 24, a huge boost :) thanks guys, you make me feel so special! warm and fuzzys to everyone who takes the time to read this, and all the support you all give me. you guys rock!

I'm in a picture-y mood today.... oh thinspo, why can't I just be you?

I'm kind of being anti-social a bit lately. I don't really have anything to say, and when I do talk I regret it. sigh.I don't know what it is, I guess my moods have evened out to just plain melancholy for the past few weeks. It's better than crushingly sad, but I'm looking forward to happiness.

Someone in school called out my name, wanting to know how my weekend was, and I realized how long it had been since someone had said it in a way that they meant me and not just me who happens to know when the test is. People know my name, it's a small school, but I'm such a nobody that hardly anyone says it anymore. I'm still waiting for that lovely guy who loves to say it, who can't get it out of his head.

I can't wait to get out of this town and out to college! I'm going to college in Boston next year and I'm super excited. out of this little town (yeah, it's pretty and nice, but these same old people are getting to me) and into the city! I'll be far enough for independence and close enough to come home when I really need to.

okay so looking at my intake, I did terrible. but my exercise today was stellar, so I was still slightly under SGD day 1 limit. woot woot!

okay my work out for today was some intervals for the upcoming track season. I went to the track after i worked with my math teacher (I hate math!!!) here's the workout in case anyone wants to do it:

(btw: the track is 400m around, so 100m is either one curve or one straight)

lap 1: jog 100m, sprint 100m, jog 100m, sprint 100m

lap 2: walk at normal pace (aka catch breath) 200m, speedwalk 200m

repeat

I did a total of 8 rounds, or 4 reps. (about 400 calories)

I also did my calisthenics and 5 minutes of jump rope. so the total today is close to 500

While I was running and wanted the whole time to just stop, I kept repeating to myself my workout mantra "It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop" that I got from the wonderful Lu. And I finished. I fucking completed the two miles of pain, and I am damn happy about it! (even if my intake did suck majorly)

I wish I had the strawberries and black berries in this picture... mmmm....

grapefruit

apple

pretzels130

rice cakes 70

lemonade 110

half burrito 100

chips 189

almonds (why????) 270

tea

869

-500

net:369

I'm so glad SGD lets you burn off the excess and not feel bad about it since that's built in. yay!

good luck to anyone starting new diets today or continuing on with one!

simply, Jackie

ps- new blog name, hope it still works for errybody!

projects

I thought I should share a bit of me and my life. well, not my whole life, just my room haha. above is a picture of my favorite pair of shoes. they define me. it's sparkle, but not crazy. cool and not super out-there, but definitely not ordinary. I love them <3

the reason I wanted to write this post is this project I did yesterday before my 4 hour rehearsal for the school musical. I made this clothes line type thing to hang pictures and cool things from. I love it. it turned out so well. it fits my room pretty well, too.

 my book shelf above my desk. see my hot air balloon? isn't it cute? haha it's one of my favorite things ever :)

 


these are my paintings (well, some of them, these are the ones that went well in my room). the dress form I got from my cousin who works at a yarn store. it's the best, I usually put different scarves and stuff on it, but I left it naked today. cute, huh?

Anyways...
I've been doing well with eating this weekend. no real structure, but I'm doing about 800 calories everyday. thank god tomorrow is SGD day 1! So far it's just me and Ariana, but anyone else is free to join in. I posted the rules last time I did it, but I'll post them again.

rules:

eat as much fruit and veggies as you want (and don't count it)

work out 5x a week (30 mins per day)

extra calories  must be burned off in cardio

I think I can do a ton better this time. I'm getting a lot of exercise, and I've gained a lot of self control since the beginning of cycle 1

I'm definitely going to keep a better log of totals and nets this time too.

good luck to everybody this week :)

So Close

My goal for today was 800 total and 600 net. so close! i got 790 total and 640 net. whatever. 40 calories never killed anyone right? right?!
lol trying to stay positive and not beat myself up...
I'm addicted to rice cakes. they are so good. i love eating them while drinking tea or orange juice (haha orange juice is not a good choice cal-wise but I <3 it) I had 4 today. one for lunch (with an apple and carrots). 2 for snack with a cup of tea, and one for "dessert" with some orange juice. I was bad and had pizza bagels with my sister and her friends for dinner. they're 50 cals each. I had 4. oops.
I only did dance rehearsal today (I am the worst dancer in the history of forever, just so you know) and 10 minutes of calisthenics. I've started calling them calis*thin*ics in my mind. clever, eh?

I've started to hang out with this girl Kelly from England a lot recently. I like her, she's cool. But she is gorgeous and I cannot handle it. plus, she's got the accent. kill me. only thing is,  besides the pretty-complex I have about her, she gossips a lot. and it's mean gossip mostly. I don't mind a little, but she talks trash more often than most. I worry that she talks about how ugly and annoying I am behind my back. she probably does. ouch :(

I had a moment in the bathroom today. I hadn't even eaten anything yet and I looked in the mirror and just burst into tears. Thank God no one else was in there. it was just one of those times when you absolutely cannot bear to be stuck in your skin for another moment. I just hate me. how did this happen? why can't I just be one of those fat girls who loves herself even though she's butt-ugly? no, I have to be one of those depressed ones who's going on a crazy diet. of course.

On a happier note, I am adoring all this love I've been getting on the past few posts! thank you all so much. You guys really take a bad day and turn it into a good one. thank you :)

stay strong this weekend, girlies!

warm and fuzzy

thank you for all the kind words on my last post. It's so nice to feel so much love. I love that you guys are there for me. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy :)

I'm exercise crazy. I did a ten minute hard-core circuit in gym class. then I stayed after school to do the elliptical machine. it was so much fun!! I did 20 minutes and 1000 strides. I got 210 calories burned too! 

did alright on calories today. but not stellar. I fell for the cookies... ooops. got 1035 calories today, but it was only about 800 when you subtract the exercise. I feel good about this because I ate pretty healthy (minus the cookies). I had a lot of fruit, some veggies, rice cakes with the delish 35 cal cheese that I;m in love with, and tea. I think tomorrow I'm gonna try and stay under 600 total calories and 400 net. I can do that. It'll be fine. 

I love reading all these blogs. you girls are all so lovely!

I wish someone could even lift me. lol I weigh too much atm. but maybe 

someday I'll have a beautiful love like that  :)

new tabs (check 'em out)

I spent last night writing my about me and my other two new tabs. I cried so much. writing about my mom is both cathartic and makes me cry really hard. I skipped a lot between when my mother died and when my dad got remarried because I don't want to think too much about that part of my life. It's really just a painful blur with a lot of images of me crying over how much I hated myself. A lot of mean kids and ugly pictures that I throw out now. When ever I see a picture from that era of me I look the other way. I don't want to remember the ugly years.

You don't have to read the whole thing. but it helps you understand who I am and why I'm here.

~

I woke up this morning not even hungry. does that ever happen to anyone else? I wanted that grapefruit though, haha I even had a dream a bout it. But then when I go down stairs, guess what? the grape fruit was gone. that's right, I said it. the grapefruit was gone! I think my sister ate it. but it might have been my dad. grrr...

orange juice

apple

apple juice

half turkey sandwich (180)

wheatables (200)

rice cakes with peanut butter(258)

pasta (134)

1 oz steak(85)

bread (90)

running (115)

walking (200)

calisthenics (40) 

947

- 355

net = 592

so not terrible today. I'm really proud of my running. ugh I'm sore...

but I did fall into the trap of the pb& rice cakes. oh well.

my new motto is something I got from the beautiful Lu.

"It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop"

If I mess up, I'm just gonna keep going. I can push through this. I can keep on running to the end.

V (ex boy friend) has been messaging me a lot in the past few weeks. I broke up with him for image reasons. I don't know if he's getting really lonely or if he suddenly feels attracted to me again. whatever. all I know is that I can't let a repeat of this summer's insecurities happen. bleh.

I don't know what I'm doing diet wise the rest of the week. I had this plan on monday to do this super restrict the whole week, but I don't think that's going to work. I think I'll just focus on running and avoiding junk at all costs.

good luck to all you ladies tomorrow! xoxo

First Fast

I said in my last post that I wasn't going to fast today. But I looked at my lunch and decided that it wasn't worth it. I want to be done with this fast today! I've had 3 cups of tea today (I'm saying that they don't count since they're zero calories even if some people would count that as cheating. whatever. I like tea.) and a lot of water. The trick will be pretending I'm asleep when dinner time rolls around. I know the food smell will come wafting down the hall and up the stairs to taunt me.

I've decided that fasting blows. I mean, who likes this terrible temptation all the time? every food looks ten times as yummy and I want to break fast so badly. I have this terrible light-headed feeling and my vision is getting increasingly blurred. it's the same feeling as when I don't sleep, it's terrible. have I said the word terrible yet? terrible

^what I want so so so badly right now.... i miss food.... (hahah i'm the biggest baby, one day and I'm already going insane)


but the reason I'm doing this is because I need to finish SGD cycle 1 (yeah, Ariana is right, it sounds like ANTM.... hahah. I wish I could be like them, but alas, I am stout me) on a strong note. And fasting is supposed to be good for your metabolism or something right? Most of all though, I want to be pretty and skinny so bad. I have this feeling that it's never gonna happen, but I want to be thin. kdlgvaw;dvjoaevnuowair  I wish I was skinny and pretty!!!!  Prom is a little more than 4 months away, and I need to be a size 6. need to be a size 6.

yeah, I know a lot of you are thinking that it's pathetic that size 6 is my goal. 

but I'm seriously the fattest girl in the whole world. 

I wish it were tomorrow already so I could eat that grapefruit that's calling my name from the refrigerator.

truly yours,

a huge hater of fasts and lover of food

edit:

some happy thinspo. oh tumblr, i love you.

president's day

hey guys. I never really acknowledge the comments, but I should because they make me feel so much better. I know everyone feels this way, so I try to comment on other people's as much as possible. it's just sometimes I want to write "why are you doing this to yourself? you're skinny and beautiful already!! don't hurt yourself like this!!" but I know that people would say that back to me and I'd never believe it either. So I'm a hypocrite. So when all I want to say is something along those lines I don't comment because I can't bring myself to lie. (haha also I'm lazy and just don't comment sometimes) Sorry for saying this for the zillionth time, but I think it a lot. sighhh...

@Olivia Lee- thank you for the wonderful compliment! I've been following your blog for a while, but I never commented, not really sure why.  I love the way you put together the format and all the lovely pictures. It's very creative. And, by the way, you are amazing at keeping a low intake. kudos to you!



Today was good. I stayed up till 3 am surfing through room mate profiles for next year and chatroulette-ing with an adorable guy from Virginia. He kept saying how pretty I am and "i love your smile" etc., etc. Guys like him are why I keep going on that site. Then I slept in until 2 in the afternoon. normally I hate wasting the day like that, but it was nice to sleep through breakfast and lunch.

I had a productive day. I went running (some of it turned into power walking hahaha) for half an hour, got in 3 miles. I'm super proud of my running though. I made it around the whole neighborhood without stopping (1 mile) and than power walked half, ran half, power walk half, ran half. and, voila, that's 3 miles. I'm a terrible runner so that was good for me. I hope I can keep up with the running this week.

I ate half my dinner and some rice cakes. Then I made chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips for people at school tomorrow. I love baking so much, except for that I usually end up licking my fingers at the end and succumbing to the  delicious smell of the cookies and tasting one. I think I had about 200 calories worth of unbaked and baked cookie. that put me at about 600 for the day- 200 over my SGD limit boo :( I did about 15 minutes of yoga and squats and push ups but I don't think they made up even 50 calories of my over eating. ugh....

Tomorrow is the last day of SGD cycle one!! that means my first real fast. I'm skipping it though because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I can't do it tomorrow. I'm going to hate tea for breakfast and a salad (pre-made tonight) for lunch. Then I'll have a clem for snack and I'll take a "nap" to get out of dinner. so that way I'll be under 100 at least. I'm pushing the fast off until wednesday. I just know for some reason that tomorrow will fail. I'll do a true fast on wednesday and call that the end of SGD.
rest of the week until monday when SGD cycle 2 starts-
t-100
w-fast
th-600
f-400
s-500
s-500
(subject to change)

anyone who wants to join in on SGD cycle 2 can feel free! It's a good diet, I think. It's varied and gives some forgiveness with the ability to make up over eating with cardio. plus, fruits and veggies aren't counted. yay! let me know if you're in :)

have a lovely Tuesday! xoxo

SGD day 27

I did a water fast today. From dinner yesterday to dinner today.  I know eating dinner makes me sound like a wuss, but for me this is really good. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I had half a slice of pizza with my family and friends and some zero cal iced tea. Then the binge happened. Definitely not as bad as I expected would happen after my first fast, but it wasn't good. I had chocolate ice cream with pretzels. ohmygoditwasdelicious 
At least I was under the SGD limit of 650 today... ugh I hate my stupid fatty food choices.
I really wish I had the guts to make myself puke. Seriously, I can't do it. I just kneel over the toilet with the back of a toothbrush in my mouth and cry because I'm so afraid. I don't throw up ever, which for some reason has always seemed to me to be a symptom of being a fat girl. fat girls don't throw up (willingly or otherwise), or at least they don't in my observation.

Then we played risk and I lost. then apples to apples when the only green card I got was 'masculine'. seriously? seriously? I fucking hate that. it just gives my sister extra ammo to shoot me down with. Have I mentioned my sister lately? hahahahha she is driving me INSANE. at the moment I want more than anything to rip her goddamn hair out. rawrrrrr!!!!  (and no, not the "i love you in dinosaur" kind)

I was surprised how easy fasting was for me. But I know it will only be harder as days go on. I guess this was practice for Tuesday's fast (last day of SGD cycle 1). It's hard for me to start things, but even harder to keep going. Basically, I just suck at everything.

Just finished this book Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld. I've read it 3 times now, and I think it might be my very favorite book. well, at least it's in the top 5. right up there with The Perks of Being a Wallflower and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I highly recommend this book, even if you aren't in high school. It's the wittiest and most relateable book I think I've ever read. I think about the things that Lee (the main character) says and thinks about in my everyday all the time. I was thinking about it so much that I just picked it up to read for the third time on Tuesday. Haha I finished the 400 page book today... when I like books I read them fast.

other favourites:
Bread and Roses, Too
Walk Two Moons
Harry Potter (duh)
The Handmaid's Tale
The Chronicles of Narnia
Little House on the Prairie
I'll Love You Forever
Le Petite Prince


and probably a bunch of others that I'm forgetting at the moment

sorry if this was too long and rambly. love you all to bits and pieces!!! XO

Power of the Unknown

They tell girls to be modest. In words and in actions and in clothing. We are told that what the eye does not see is most appealing. We are told to “leave more to the imagination”. It goes along with the game of playing hard to get. If you give a boy what they want on the first date, why would they ever come back?

I guess the same goes for other things in life as well. Not always on purpose, but the same principle applies. What you don’t see or know about draws your curiosity. I think that’s part of the reason I was so excited to go to high school. I got a little taste of what I wanted, but mostly I had no clue. For certain times in the day, middle schoolers go to the high school for various reasons. Band class and lunch and gym and other fluff parts of the day. All these things are in one area of the building, but where the older kids spent most of their time was in another area of the building. This made them such a mystery, and drew much curiosity to the idea of high school. What’s on the second floor? Where are all the other class rooms? I think that mystery and allure of the unknown was what made me stay for the last four years of my thirteen year stay in the same public school district.

Before my eighth grade year had ended I started anticipating high school and dreading the thought that up there in the high school would be more of the same. I was looking at the beautiful boarding schools and the fancy foreign programs available and wondering to myself if maybe I could go. Maybe I could be unusual and go somewhere other than the same old school I’d always known. But then the mystery of the second floor and the unknown but cool started to outweigh the expensive glamour. I wanted what was dangling in front of me. I got caught up in the excitement of finally knowing. Of course I was scared; the unknown can also be extremely frightening. But the excitement of jumping into the dark outweighs the twinge of fear.

Now I look back and wonder why I was ever so excited. Really, what’s so great about the second floor? I could have had such a different life experience had I gone for the glamour or the far-away places. I can’t change all that now, but I think I’ll always wonder. It’s the power of the unknown, the allure of the mystery. No matter how controlled you are, the hidden will always have an enormous power.

Sister Mine

over ate today. but at least I went cross country skiing for an hour and a half.
ice cream is going to kill me.

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 

My sister (who is skinny and blond and, unlike me, tans in the sun) has always reminded me of how fat I am. she uses it as a comeback in arguments. ex:

J: hey! that's my seat!

C: you didn't call 5's

J: yes I did!

C: yeah, well you're fat. 

I think she uses it because it works. She says that and I give her a look and give up on the fight. (as you can tell from one of my previous posts, we fight a lot. and it gets physical more often than you'd think with two teenaged girls) It's always bothered me, but lately it gets to me a lot. The only revenge I can think of is her eventually finding out years down the road about all this self-hatred and crash dieting. I hope that all her mean words come back and bite her- karma's a bitch. 

I know I sound terrible wishing guilt on my sister. But she is so hard to live with. I can't help hating her sometimes. I mean I love her, but still, she's mean!

Apres Ski

Two days of skiing... oh my Lord, I am tired!!

Day one was obnoxiously windy and some of the lifts were closed. That was super annoying, half the mountain was out of reach. But the parts we did do were fun. Well, they would have been funner if it weren't for the wind :P I had this funny thought that maybe if I got real skinny, the next time I go skiing in the wind like that I might get stopped dead in my tracks by the wind. It happens to small kids and skinny girls, and you never know, it might happen to me hahaha. I hope that happens some day. And I'd probably look real cute in my skinny-people ski stuff. All tight and tiny. I wish! right now I look like the fucking michellan tire guy. For real, I'm huge and white and puffy. I'm surprised no one mistook me for him yet.

Second day was better. It was nice and warm and the wind was gone. It was beautiful! We could see the view from the top, and without all the clouds it looked like you could see to the end of the Earth. I could identify Lake Placid, Whiteface (where I went on vacation last year and where the 1980 Olympics were held), and Smuggler's Notch. It's strange seeing all the way to another state without any markers. You could see Canada too, a whole other country. There's no red lines or signs, it's just one continuous landscape. It's nice to know that from way up there, none of this stuff really matters. it's perspective, you know?

I did well on calories today and yesterday, around 1100 each. it's way over the SGD limit, but they're both still negative days. I burned a whole lot of calories, even when I halved the hours. my muscles sure agree! I think I'm going XC skiing tomorrow, which will be nice. it's peaceful, but a really great workout. I think it might even burn more than downhill :)

Tangent: I was thinking today that I don't really mind that I'm not making any progress on the scale (that I know of). This is a long term thing, and the point is that I'm working towards a bigger goal. I mean, who cares about one pound up if I know I did my best to keep the calories low? As long as I give this everything I have, I'll be beautiful in the end. So even if I don't get into a size 6 prom dress this year (I pray to God that I do), I know that I'm going to get into a size 2 wedding dress. I can do this. One day, I'll get all my goals.

Vermont

The mountains are beautiful here. When you look out from the peak, it's almost as if you can see the end of the world. Every color is muted and the lines are soft. there is a patchwork of snow covered fields random dots of houses. The mountains are tall and layered with lazy slopes and gradual coloring. The closest mountains are navy (green of course in summer) and the furthest away are heather. The sky does not meet the ground as it does when you are standing on it, rather, earth and sky blend together. The horizon line easily confused with a streak of clouds.

Being here reminds you of your own smallness. Your footsteps will be gone in minutes with the wind and snow, your lifetime less than a second in the memory of the mountain. Standing on a tall peak puts the traffic patterns and the mountain ranges and the ski trail all into perspective. Suddenly, state lines are less obvious and a drive that took hours looks impossibly short. Oh what this mountain must know!

For Ever

A poem written for a girl named Ever. I think it's lovely. Don't you?

"I'm falling apart," you say
I will put you back together, I vow
I will add some things to you
Beautiful things

In your eyes I will infuse a poem by Plath
That is sad and delicate
and someday some boy will endeavor to make them happy again
(perhaps he will suceed)

In your voice, your words I will weave a
symphony of sounds by Tchaikovsky
Arpeggios by Chopin, by Debussy

In your bones
You will have a strength, a wiseness
Dickens & Austen
But also a touch of Carroll
(We cannot be complete without some whimsy, some humour).

Your tears will fall as snowflakes,
Your laughter will plant seeds that grow into wildflowers

And finally, in your heart & soul you will have
a great capacity for feeling, for loyalty, for love
But I cannot get these for you from anywhere
No, you must find these yourself:
You must be unique
You must be wholly yourself
as well as part of everything else

Vermont

I just got done the nine hour drive from my home to vermont. oh lordy, it was a looooong trip! My sister and I got in a huge fight that ended badly. I bit her. Yeah. I'm immature and whatever, but in the moment thats the only thing that made sense. I bit her really hard, she bled a little bit.

Just a few moments after I felt really bad about it. She was crying and then I started crying and we were both angry and sorry for hitting each other so hard. I have a huge bump on my head and a big ugly red scratch above my collar bone and some new bruises. She's got bruises and some lovely teeth marks on her skin. We fight rough. But I think me biting her was a little too far. After an hour of angry eyes at each other and smeared mascara, I apologized and so did she. Even after a big fight like that, sisters are still sisters.

I had day number three of eating like a gluttunous pig. Pretty close to 2,000 calories for three days in a row. I can tell too. I look fatter than usual, a real feat considering how terrible I look on the average day.


Tomorrow is skiing and my plan is to have only cereal and fruit ajd a sandwich for lunch. I'll have the vegetable with dinner and milk and a tiny portion of wbats served, but it's gonna be a major restrict. I plan on burning about 1500 calories tomorrow so I want to be far into the negatives. Vermont skiing is great. The trails are ao long so you get your heart rate up and by the end of the day you're exhausted. Muscles get sore and your body feels that bone deep tired feeling. I need this workout so bad. I am SO FAT!

me and you

we are who we think we are. but we can be who we dream to be

i miss being madly in love with you

goals and plans and deadlines and lists and calculating. make it go away!

in my eyes you had no flaws

I know what I want. I just don't like what lies between here and there.

i miss looking and talking and knowing

sometimes people just make me angry. and I can't help it. I'm sorry to everyone whose toes I keep stepping on. It's me this time, not you.

the way we knew it would last

looking out is so much better than looking in. the walls on the outside are ugly, and what's behind the windows is worse. but oh, the lovely view!

but i'm different now, ma jolie

Sometimes I want to hit people so hard they question their judgement of me. I just want to make contact. painful quick dirty contact.

you might have judged me to early

It's so beautiful and I don't want to share it with anyone. I want to bury it deep in my heart. and maybe sometimes get out a light to remember.

and maybe i did too

desole

black and white photographs

and make-believe maps

that take me no where

not throwing up

Do you ever get that feeling that doing the wrong thing is what you want most of all? I do. I keep doing these things to myself, these terrible things and I know that even if someone tried to stop me I'd do them again.

I kneel on the ground, chug a liter of water and push a toothbrush to the back of my throat. I gag and my tongue goes back and then I pull out. I wimp out. I look at my reflection in the toilet water and start to cry. I'm afraid. I'm shaking and I'm crying and I'm so fucking afraid.

Pretty soon the waves of guilt roll over me. I can't stand sitting there doing nothing with all this chocolate in my stomach. I didn't even enjoy it. I just chewed and swallowed to fill up this massive hungry space in my stomach. 

I ate today, that's the funny part. I had two apples, a cupcake that a friend gave me, 2 brownies, and white hot chocolate with my girl friends, and then 4 rice cakes with iced tea. I had dinner too, I had chicken and rice and a massive salad. But after dinner I was still starving so I ate all the chocolates people gave me that I swore I would throw out. I ate them one after another after another. Nothing made me less hungry, I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and be full. I wanted so badly to be full. And then I flipped the switch. And all I wanted was to be empty again.

How can girls get addicted to throwing up? I don't get it. I can't do it. I haven't thrown up since my mother was around. That's more than half a life time ago. 

This is the second day in a row that I ate too much. I had everything terrible yesterday and double that today. I feel like the biggest failure ever. I have no good qualities. I suck. I am nothing. I am disgusting. I am a big fat round zero. 

puking (or not)

Do you ever get that feeling that doing the wrong thing is what you want most of all? I do. I keep doing these things to myself, these terrible things and I know that even if someone tried to stop me I'd do them again.

I kneel on the ground, chug a liter of water and push a toothbrush to the back of my throat. I gag and my tongue goes back and then I pull out. I wimp out. I look at my reflection in the toilet water and start to cry. I'm afraid. I'm shaking and I'm crying and I'm so fucking afraid.

Pretty soon the waves of guilt roll over me. I can't stand sitting there doing nothing with all this chocolate in my stomach. I didn't even enjoy it. I just chewed and swallowed to fill up this massive hungry space in my stomach.

I ate today, that's the funny part. I had two apples, a cupcake that a friend gave me, 2 brownies, and white hot chocolate with my girl friends, and then 4 rice cakes with iced tea. I had dinner too, I had chicken and rice and a massive salad. But after dinner I was still starving so I ate all the chocolates people gave me that I swore I would throw out. I ate them one after another after another. Nothing made me less hungry, I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and full. I wanted so badly to be full. And then I flipped the switch. And all I wanted was to be empty again.

How can girls get addicted to throwing up? I don't get it. I can't do it. I haven't thrown up since my mother was around. That's more than half a life time ago.

This is the second day in a row that I ate too much. I had everything terrible yesterday and double that today. I feel like the biggest failure ever. I am zero. I have no good qualities. I suck. I am nothing. I am disgusting.

v-day weekend

I'm back. haha, I couldn't wait till tomorrow to post, it needed to be now. All I think about is thinthinthin all day long and I can't talk about it. It's like my mind fills up so much until I can write and then it's sweet release. plus today was a terrible terrible day. thanks to Lu and StarvingArtist for the encouragement for this weekend!

Saturday was lovely, we skied all day long, which is a lot of calories burned. Generally, I take the time out on the snow and cut in half when I calculate calories burned. Half the time you are waiting in line or on the lift, and that doesn't really count. but still, eight hours cut in half is around 1,000 calories burned. pretty good! I had the chicken wrap my dad made for me and declined the hot chocolate offered to me. Then I some of my aunt's fruit salad, goldfish, and pretzels. it all added up to about 650. and I had orange slices for breakfast. Then I pretended to be asleep when everyone was having dinner and skipped it all together. So it was nice, I was under for the 650 limit of the day when the fruit was subtracted and it was technically a negative day when you look at net calories. yay!!

I almost never have negative days. I always slip into the "I can have that, I just worked out" mentality, which is bad. what the hell is the point of working out if I eat after. I am just a screwed up person, I think.

But then, surprise to me, we weren't going to ski today. We went instead to a old favorite restaurant for breakfast. ohmygawd the food there is amazing. I don't even want to say anything more, it's so embarrassing. I have NO SELF CONTROL. ew ew ew I hate me. let's just say I went way over the 700 limit for today. it was gross. I wish I wasn't too cowardly to throw up. I wish I could have gotten rid of all of it. nastynastynasty.

I had a great week and then I went and ruined it today. Seriously, I stayed under 700 all week and made my goals all but 2 days. That is super for me( (since I'm weak and disgusting) and then I ruined it. bleh. I need to do well this week despite vacation. I'm going on another ski vacation to Vermont on Tuesday. We leave Tuesday night and come back on Sunday night. Lots of skiing and friends. It'll be so nice. But I have to stick to SGD. I'm almost done round one.

I'm going to repeat the SGD after I finish it this time. I'm going to try and do it perfectly. Just repeat it until I can get the damn thing right. I feel like I need to at least have that one accomplishment.

on the upside, I weighed myself at the cottage, and I was 144. that's so good, since I was 155 on that scale over president's day weekend (jan 17). I really hope that it wasn't a fluke. I need to get a scale so badly! I have no idea which numbers to trust since I weigh myself on different scales all the time and with so much difference in the time of day. I need consistency and good numbers to go by.

I'm sending you all lovely thoughts for Valentines Day! Even if you aren't spending time with a boy and doing the romance thing, use tomorrow as a day to remember that people out there do love you. You are so loved, don't ever forget it!

another ski weekend

I'm going skiing this weekend. skiing is great exercise but the lodge food is so tempting!! i need to avoid it at all costs.

I did well on intake today-
granola and juice for breakfast (140)
salad for lunch (95)
crepe with strawberries in french class (35)
yay for french class! it's so fun when we have crepe days. other people put nutella and whip cream and all that on theirs, but i had strawberries since they don't count :)


I burned about 160 cals in dance lessons for the musical. I love dancing... I think I want to take a class.

okay short post, but I'll be back on valentines day!
love you, girlies!!!

npr

made in america

I've been doing well on calories today.
but I still have to eat dinner, (fried chicken, please shoot me now) but I figure if I cut it up small and eat mostly peas with a tiny bit of chicken and not touch my milk (siiiigghhh... I miss milk....) I should be okay. peas don't count and then the chicken will be around a hundred forty. My evening work out burns about 140 cals per quarter hour. so plan is~
half hour of work out: 280
walking: 120
yogurt- 85
clementine
popcorn with salt- 50
chocolate chips- 100
cran juice- 90
chicken- 140
peas
milk- 30
total: 495
net: 95

writing that out made me feel so much better.

toady I went to the hard ware store with my dad. I saw a scale I liked for only 20 bucks so I showed it to him. He looked at it, and then decided we could not buy it since it wasn't made in america. what the fuck?! because it isn't made in america?! I want a scale so badly.
so now i'm online shopping for scales made in the usa. grrr....

i miss summer and biking. i wish i had her tiny little legs, and that awesome bike

you and i

we are who we think we are. but we can be who we dream to be

i miss being madly in love with you

goals and plans and deadlines and lists and calculating. make it go away!

in my eyes you had no flaws

I know what I want. I just don't like what lies between here and there.

i miss looking and talking and knowing

sometimes people just make me angry. and I can't help it. I'm sorry to everyone whose toes I keep stepping on. It's me this time, not you.

the way we knew it would last

looking out is so much better than looking in. the walls on the outside are ugly, and what's behind the windows is worse. but oh, the lovely view!

but i'm different now, ma jolie

Sometimes I want to hit people so hard they question their judgement of me. I just want to make contact. painful quick dirty contact.

you might have judged me to early

It's so beautiful and I don't want to share it with anyone. I want to bury it deep in my heart. and maybe sometimes get out a light to remember.

and maybe i did too

self-loathing

I'm sorry I don't comment very much. It's just that I always want to say things like "please don't starve yourself, you are so beautiful. beautiful girls shouldn't be so sad. please don't hurt yourself like this." 
I know. I'm a fucking hypocrite.
but seriously girls, you are all so beautiful. I look at you and wish I could have your bodies and all your lovely features. you succeed at the dieting and the fasting and the exercise. and you don't even need to. mean while I'm failing and I'm the ugliest and fattest person ever.

cold showers burn calories right?

is it screwed up that I take cold showers to burn calories? Am I that messed up that I risk getting sick to lose a pound? Sometimes I wish I had cancer. I've actually always wanted it. Since I was 7 I wanted cancer so that everyone would love me and I could be "brave" and lose a ton of weight. I am a sick sick sick minded person. who does that? who wishes for a tumor and IV's and puking and losing all their hair?

I have what my dad call 'tail spins' I think of one thing which becomes a train of thoughts until I am crying and wailing. and it always lead to me being ugly and fat and disgusting. like how cold showers turns into cancer into me being a terrible person. 

writing lists like these make me cry. but they also keep me on track.
fat toes
fat ankles
enormous calves
knees that go in like the people on Biggest Loser
fat thighs
cellulite
huge butt with gross fat girl dimples
love handles
squishy huge disgusting stomach
gross boobs
no visible collar bones
fat neck
disgustingly fat upper arms
fleshy fat forearms
fat wrists
pudgy fingers
fat cheeks
ugly forgettable face
yucky skin and freckles that don't suit me
double chin
Yup. I'm crying like a fat ugly disgusting two year old with severe emotional issues.

I ate 1023 calories today. I am terrible. I hate me I hate me I hate me
today was supposed to be a 400 day. I am such a fucking loser. I have no self control, I'm a terrible friend. I suck. s.u.c.k. I have a bad personality. I am depressing to be around. I loath me. 

sleeping

I keep getting in fights. what the hell is wrong with me? I never used to fight with anyone. But these past tow days all I can do is argue. everything and everyone are getting under my skin. humph.

on Sunday I said I was going to go to bed early. wrong! I went to bed at 3:40 in the morning. So I only got 3 hours of sleep. yay... I stayed up all night talking to this awesome guy I met on chatroulette. I love that site. I know. I'm weird and skeevy... but I do it for the men who call me beautiful. This one didn't say that though. We just talked and I sang him some of my songs and read him one of my stories. He played me some guitar and we just talked and talked about life and love, happiness and those off-days. We played truth or dare, which turned into just telling secrets. He told me about his mom who left him when he was 12. I told him about my mom and my step-mom and that whole thing. mommy issues... what a topic. We exchanged skype addresses but I don't think we're gonna talk again. one time thing, you know?

Monday I was exhausted. so no exercise. I went a bit over, 490. but not terrible. I went to bed at 6:30 in the evening.

yay for 13 hours of sleep! Woke up this morning feeling great.

breakfast- clementine

lunch- grapes

clementine

popcorn (90)

snack- crackers (150)

1 almond (5)

dinner- few bites of chicken (40)

total- 285

so good day calorie wise. 15 under today's limit :) I'm doing my new work out from seventeen tonight. I'm curious to see how difficult it will be.

thank you everyone for the lovely comments on the last post! I appreciate them so much, they really keep me going!

Lu- thanks for the sweet comment! don't worry about commenting for me, I know you have a tough life. and it's absolutely a joy to comment on your blog. it's so lovely. it really motivates me to be better. thank you thank you <3

Sunshine- ugh! 200 at a party? you are a super hero. kudos to you!

Louise- isn't joining this community great? it's like realizing there are a whole bunch of girls out there who get it. and we can all be there for each other.

Sofia- this week will be awesome for the both of us :)

we need more fruit in my house.

post party

I was doing so well at the party... I had the salad and the veggies. but then a whole bunch of guys came and brought wings. i normally hate wings. but I was so hungry, and I love barbeque sauce....
I ate 2. and then had a sprite and a few shrimps.
you know when you start having fun and then you forget and just eat? yeah. that's what happened.

Sorry for making you all puke in disgust.

well. at least I didn't go over today.

good thing is: this week is gonna be a whole new week. this week means weight loss!!!

super bowl par-tay

yup. The time has come. Break out the team-themed streamers, hook up all the TVs, buy the ice: it's a good old American football party! And what would a party be without all the party foods? we've got wings and pizza, liters and liters of soda, bowls of m&m's, baskets of chips and fries, coolers full of beer, all on themed plates and napkins and plastic cups. shoot me.

I went running this morning in preparation for the onslaught of high fat-content foods this evening. I had a clem after (yay for SGD!). I have a plan for this evening though. I'm going last minute shopping with my dad, so I'll pick up some low fat ranch dressing and make a nice veggie platter. Then I'll make a salad for myself and eat that while everyone else is gorging on wings. "you gain the strength of the temptation you resist" I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

this part is just for my mental organization:
-vaccuum house for party
-go shopping
-help with food prep
-eat some carrots (4 pm)
-work on homework
-self magazine workout
-guests arrive (6 pm)
-eat salad (7:30 pm)
-allowed to have: jell-o, veggies, small amount of crackers w/ cheese
-help clean up
-go to bed early (10 pm)

okay. so I have my game plan (haha... I'm so clever...). Just to prove to myself that I can do this I'm going to be under on calories today. go team me!

all that

I want to just lie down and think right there<<<< in the midst of all that beauty. But I dont want anyone there with me. I want to be alone with the flowers and the sunshine and the mountain. No camera to distract from living right now. Because if all that stuff was there, all that real life, I wouldn't enjoy it. I'd have to think of how I looked and remember how ugly I am. Remember that no matter what I wear or put on my face or do to my hair, I will never be that girl who fits in this picture. I'd be an ugly fat alien. If anyone saw me there, or worse had a picture, the whole thing would be lesser. less beautiful. it's a pity, really. when all I want is beauty and because I'm me I'll never have it.

This morning I ate about 700 calories. It was disgusting. I think disgusting is the word of my life. Its just describes me in every way.

ADD moment- god I have bad self esteem. bad self esteem is so unattractive. I need to change that.

I've been feeling awfully alone lately. Like I am the only inhabitant of a world that is made of warped mirrors and windows into other people's beautiful lives.

I always think that the people you meet online don't exist. I know that's crazy. in my head I think- "I wish Ariana and Sofia and Haley existed so that I could actually talk to them." 

Sorry for making you guys into people made of air. I know you deserve better than that. 

The "real" people in my life also seem to be getting less real. like they are switching places with my online life. They talk and i have trouble listening. and everything they say irritates me. I can't be around my friends anymore. 

I have another blog. My friends used to comment and it meant everything to me. I live for comments. but they haven't in a while. I feel bad when I don't comment on blogs here. It's just that I worry about saying the wrong thing. I'm sorry. I'm always sorry.

and another thing I'm sorry for: you've all probably seen these pictures ten thousand times.