I'm applying to jobs again. Which always makes me feel like an enormous failure. I was lazy in college and didn't apply to any worthwhile internships, waitressing and goofing off instead. Any internship that could lead to experience and later work require me to be earning college credit or to have graduated in the past year, which is no longer true.
I have no journalism experience, few skills, and I don't interview well. Any job that seems interesting to me feels unattainable. Just reading job requirements and applying to things makes me sob and sink into a sad space in my head that makes me want to binge and stop thinking about this awful awful job searching process. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
So here I am. Crying and feeling absolutely worthless.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Trying desperately not to binge right now
In that last post I think I was bragging about how I felt fewer carb cravings. OMG not today. I'm craving everything. All I want is popcorn and arepas and fried rice and bread and ice cream and sugar. The last 30 minutes or so I've been looking at before and after pictures to try and motivate myself.
Update on the carb situation-
Thursday: 21.6g
Friday: 35.8g (there was a bit of wine...)
Saturday (5:30pm): 20.5g
So not really that horrible. I'm okay this those numbers, they're under 50kg, so that's a good thing. Also, congrats to me for going out late last night and not coming home and binging!! I had wine before I left the house and then one vodka soda (high calories, but no carbs! I had about 2oz). Scale responded just a little bit. I lost 1kg, bringing me down to 66kg. My goal was to be 65kg by Sunday (tomorrow) but I don't think that's in the cards.
New goal: 64kg by March 12th.
Side note: measuring in kilograms has been a good change for me. There is so much emotional weight attached to pounds for me, seeing numbers like 68 and 64 are way less stressful than seeing 150 or 141, even though they mean the same thing. Not sure what this means, but it's an interesting observation.
Going out again tonight. I'm making it part of my plan to build in alcohol and going out because I really enjoy going out and it's good for me mentally. So I'm just trying to plan around the alcohol better now. Trying to make vodka soda my new drink, even though I don't particularly love it.
Update on the carb situation-
Thursday: 21.6g
Friday: 35.8g (there was a bit of wine...)
Saturday (5:30pm): 20.5g
So not really that horrible. I'm okay this those numbers, they're under 50kg, so that's a good thing. Also, congrats to me for going out late last night and not coming home and binging!! I had wine before I left the house and then one vodka soda (high calories, but no carbs! I had about 2oz). Scale responded just a little bit. I lost 1kg, bringing me down to 66kg. My goal was to be 65kg by Sunday (tomorrow) but I don't think that's in the cards.
New goal: 64kg by March 12th.
Side note: measuring in kilograms has been a good change for me. There is so much emotional weight attached to pounds for me, seeing numbers like 68 and 64 are way less stressful than seeing 150 or 141, even though they mean the same thing. Not sure what this means, but it's an interesting observation.
Going out again tonight. I'm making it part of my plan to build in alcohol and going out because I really enjoy going out and it's good for me mentally. So I'm just trying to plan around the alcohol better now. Trying to make vodka soda my new drink, even though I don't particularly love it.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
LCHF
Sunday: 74g
Monday: 115g
Tuesday: 44g
Wednesday: 42g
Thursday (as of 2pm): 23g
I'm on a new low-carb high-fat diet. My goal is to stay under 50g of carbs everyday. Ideally much lower, but I've been eating a lot of vegetables which have fiber in them, so a lot of those carbs are from that. Lots of eggs, chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, cauliflower, lettuce, ground beef, cheese. A little bit of almonds and peanut butter, bacon, cream. The high number on Monday was from a sugary latte my friend bought me and I felt too guilty to turn down (I find it highly embarrassing to admit that I'm on any kind of diet) and from a cup of black beans before I realized how high carb they are, I learned a lot that day and have started logging my meals before I eat them.
My hope was that I would have lost at least a little bit by now, almost five days in, but still nothing. I'm still 67kg-ish, though I was hoping to be 65 by this Saturday, March 4th. There's still time, but still, it's discouraging. I know, I know, be patient. But I'm having trouble keeping my motivation without seeing any results on the scale.
I will say, however, that my skin looks a bit clearer and that I've stopped craving carbs the way I did on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (and every day before that, for that matter). I moved all the carbs into a hidden low drawer and I don't even think about them anymore.
I'll update again once I've lost a little bit of weight.
Monday: 115g
Tuesday: 44g
Wednesday: 42g
Thursday (as of 2pm): 23g
I'm on a new low-carb high-fat diet. My goal is to stay under 50g of carbs everyday. Ideally much lower, but I've been eating a lot of vegetables which have fiber in them, so a lot of those carbs are from that. Lots of eggs, chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, cauliflower, lettuce, ground beef, cheese. A little bit of almonds and peanut butter, bacon, cream. The high number on Monday was from a sugary latte my friend bought me and I felt too guilty to turn down (I find it highly embarrassing to admit that I'm on any kind of diet) and from a cup of black beans before I realized how high carb they are, I learned a lot that day and have started logging my meals before I eat them.
My hope was that I would have lost at least a little bit by now, almost five days in, but still nothing. I'm still 67kg-ish, though I was hoping to be 65 by this Saturday, March 4th. There's still time, but still, it's discouraging. I know, I know, be patient. But I'm having trouble keeping my motivation without seeing any results on the scale.
I will say, however, that my skin looks a bit clearer and that I've stopped craving carbs the way I did on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (and every day before that, for that matter). I moved all the carbs into a hidden low drawer and I don't even think about them anymore.
I'll update again once I've lost a little bit of weight.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Dating
I have a "boyfriend". I broke up with him last summer, and then I broke up with him again a few weeks after that. Then we got back together. Then we planned to move in together and I got cold feet and called the whole thing off. Then he came to see me anyway and we've been out to dinner 4 times in the past 6 days. I don't really want to be with him, I want to see other people. But also he's very good to me and it's hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to be with me at my current weight.
I keep thinking to myself "I'll do that when I'm thin." But time is moving fast, and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.
Joined a gym a few days ago. I ran on the treadmill yesterday and the day before that. Last night I swam laps in the pool. I ate vegetables for breakfast, but I'm having pizza for lunch, so idk. Still 145lbs.
I keep thinking to myself "I'll do that when I'm thin." But time is moving fast, and I'm not sure how much longer I can wait.
Joined a gym a few days ago. I ran on the treadmill yesterday and the day before that. Last night I swam laps in the pool. I ate vegetables for breakfast, but I'm having pizza for lunch, so idk. Still 145lbs.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
New Year, New Life
1. I moved
On the 17th I flew to Medellin from Philadelphia. I arrived early in the morning to my new city, took a taxi to my temporary apartment and collapsed in tears on the bed. Before the true sobbing set in I called my boyfriend and told him how scared I was and how I really didn't want to be here alone. He of course reminded me that this had all been my idea, that he had offered to come with me to set things up, and I had refused, wanting instead to start this whole journey on my own. How stupid I felt in that moment, and for the next few lonely, miserable days.
2. New job
When I bought the plane tickets and decided I was moving to Medellin I had no job or prospects. I kind of just planned on talking to people and trying to find something. In the meantime, I figured, I'd take some Spanish classes and continue with my online coding classes. From my six months waitressing I had around six months of living expenses saved, so I could get my for a while, longer if I was frugal. But lady luck smiled down upon me in the form of a facebook post to an expat page. I now have a job writing drug information pages for a pharmaceutical coupon company. Still haven't actually written any drug pages, but I have done some research and emailing back and forth with my boss. Progress is progress I guess. It pays alright, especially for the living standard here. It'll cover my rent and bills and about half of what I spend on clothes and food and all that other stuff I don't actually need but feel as if I can't live without.
3. Weight loss resolutions
As usual, I have resolved to lose weight this year. In 2015 I lost around 30 lbs, which I gained back in 2016. So I'd really like to get back to that end-of-2015 weight as soon as possible. The main plan of attack is to make a lot more meals at home (should also help in the spending department) and stop eating dinner (which is also part of the culture here, they normally just have a snack or a hot beverage). I got Alton Brown's cookbook for Christmas and a Colombian cookbook (in English) and brought both of them with me. I'm also relying heavily on my weekly healthy eating newsletter from buzzfeed for inspiration. My next step will be to buy a bunch more storage containers to keep leftovers in. Bought a scale today (analog) and it told me I'm still the same weight as when I left the states last week (which I'm disappointed in, I've been walking a lot and eating less than I used to.) 68kg. Boo. My goal is to be somewhere in the 50's by March.
4. Get active
There are a few things I'd like to do in this category. First is that I'd like to get into swimming laps at least once a week, there is a set of large outdoor pools near the soccer stadium that have free admission. The second is going on hikes, which should be a fun way to also do some more photography and explore more places in Antioquia (the state I live in here). Third, I want to get stronger, perhaps get a set of dumbbells for my apartment, or perhaps join a discount gym in the neighborhood (but that's not likely, those are for men mostly and I hate being stared at and cat-called.)
5. Apartment
Hunting for a new apartment is my current obsession. I've spent about 4 hours each day for the past 3 or more days looking through listings and calling agents and seeing spaces. It's hard for me to organize all the details. Cost, cleanliness, location, number of bedrooms, bathrooms, amount of light, etc. And then there's the headache of buying a bed and a fridge and a washing machine. Oy vey. I don't really like being an adult.
6. Creative accomplishments
I want to have a real blog again (one that I can publish my real name on, one that isn't just a diary online) and really start creating article and doing interviews with people. I'm not sure what my focus will be, but I'm excited about the possibility. I plan on doing some audio interviews and some photography, perhaps a video or two.
On the 17th I flew to Medellin from Philadelphia. I arrived early in the morning to my new city, took a taxi to my temporary apartment and collapsed in tears on the bed. Before the true sobbing set in I called my boyfriend and told him how scared I was and how I really didn't want to be here alone. He of course reminded me that this had all been my idea, that he had offered to come with me to set things up, and I had refused, wanting instead to start this whole journey on my own. How stupid I felt in that moment, and for the next few lonely, miserable days.
2. New job
When I bought the plane tickets and decided I was moving to Medellin I had no job or prospects. I kind of just planned on talking to people and trying to find something. In the meantime, I figured, I'd take some Spanish classes and continue with my online coding classes. From my six months waitressing I had around six months of living expenses saved, so I could get my for a while, longer if I was frugal. But lady luck smiled down upon me in the form of a facebook post to an expat page. I now have a job writing drug information pages for a pharmaceutical coupon company. Still haven't actually written any drug pages, but I have done some research and emailing back and forth with my boss. Progress is progress I guess. It pays alright, especially for the living standard here. It'll cover my rent and bills and about half of what I spend on clothes and food and all that other stuff I don't actually need but feel as if I can't live without.
3. Weight loss resolutions
As usual, I have resolved to lose weight this year. In 2015 I lost around 30 lbs, which I gained back in 2016. So I'd really like to get back to that end-of-2015 weight as soon as possible. The main plan of attack is to make a lot more meals at home (should also help in the spending department) and stop eating dinner (which is also part of the culture here, they normally just have a snack or a hot beverage). I got Alton Brown's cookbook for Christmas and a Colombian cookbook (in English) and brought both of them with me. I'm also relying heavily on my weekly healthy eating newsletter from buzzfeed for inspiration. My next step will be to buy a bunch more storage containers to keep leftovers in. Bought a scale today (analog) and it told me I'm still the same weight as when I left the states last week (which I'm disappointed in, I've been walking a lot and eating less than I used to.) 68kg. Boo. My goal is to be somewhere in the 50's by March.
4. Get active
There are a few things I'd like to do in this category. First is that I'd like to get into swimming laps at least once a week, there is a set of large outdoor pools near the soccer stadium that have free admission. The second is going on hikes, which should be a fun way to also do some more photography and explore more places in Antioquia (the state I live in here). Third, I want to get stronger, perhaps get a set of dumbbells for my apartment, or perhaps join a discount gym in the neighborhood (but that's not likely, those are for men mostly and I hate being stared at and cat-called.)
5. Apartment
Hunting for a new apartment is my current obsession. I've spent about 4 hours each day for the past 3 or more days looking through listings and calling agents and seeing spaces. It's hard for me to organize all the details. Cost, cleanliness, location, number of bedrooms, bathrooms, amount of light, etc. And then there's the headache of buying a bed and a fridge and a washing machine. Oy vey. I don't really like being an adult.
6. Creative accomplishments
I want to have a real blog again (one that I can publish my real name on, one that isn't just a diary online) and really start creating article and doing interviews with people. I'm not sure what my focus will be, but I'm excited about the possibility. I plan on doing some audio interviews and some photography, perhaps a video or two.
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