checking in

I ate 835 calories today and it's only 12:30. wow. I'm reallyy great at this, huh?

I have to pack for my weekend in New Hampshire, but I want to go to the gym. hmmm. diet or responsibilities? maybe I'll just go on the treadmill for 20 minutes.

Having a fat day. and I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm not.

pretty words

did any of y'all watch the video anonymous posted to my blog? it's the most wonderful thing I've heard in a really long time. it's in a comment on the last post, but I'll link to it here as well.

I wish I were strong enough to believe in what that video had to say. I wish I had enough faith and trust to let go of this and just live for God. If I were brave enough to die to myself and live for Him, none of this would be a fucking problem. but bravery has never been my strong suit.

so, despite the video...
I'm feeling rather fat today. So I only ate some granola. I think that'll be it until tomorrow.
I need to go to the gym tonight and get all my work done. oh boy.

big day

so much for SGD. I suck. I had a solid normal person day today. I ate like a balanced person who eats regular meals and doesn't think too much about the calories. and I didn't work out. I barely did my homework. I just watched TV and read the Bible.
fuck normal. I want to be thin. so why can't i just do it and stop whining?

Oh how I want to be beautiful!

Oh Dear

I've just got back from a meeting for the school paper. I didn't get an assignment again :( no body even knows my name. I wish I were a daring reporter with guts and great writing skills, but I'm not. I'm too scared to try but I know I'll never learn if I don't. I don't want to give up on journalism yet.

Before that I was at my first day of my new job. I'm a math tutor so I spent two hours going over and over mean, median, mode, and range with a guy who spoke Creole and only spotty English. I was expecting it to be difficult, so I can't say it was harder than I thought. But it really was hard. I need to gain some confidence.

California and I have been talking a lot over facebook. Not ideal, but at least he's talking to me. And I'm excited that I get to see him at the retreat all weekend. He's so freaking cute, and he likes me quite obviously, which rocks. I just wish I looked better in a bathing suit :P

So I've come to a decision (which I'll likely change, so I guess I'm not really saying much of anything). I am going to work out and diet until I hit 118 however unhealthy I want to. I'll starve and over exercise and binge to my heart's content. Then I'm gonna go tell somebody that I need help, seek a nutritionist or something and then get down to 108 the healthy way. this way I figure I can keep the weight off. But I just wanna get down to 118 by Christmas so bad that I'm willing to be a little unhealthy to get there.
I know what you're all thinking 118 by christmas? how slow is she? I know I know I know. I'm slow. but I kinda suck at losing weight. I'll add that to the list of failures.

I'm struggling again. binge yesterday, and today (sort of)
yesterday I ate everything at once, completely possessed by my love of food. today it was a slow, painful consumption. I need to go back to my good old friend SGD. and I want to do it perfect.

plan:
become besties with the salad bar again. oh joy.
do more at the gym than just 70 minutes on the elliptical. I need variety!
drink more water
eat at intervals (which is not an excuse for snacking)
buy fruit/ smoothies NOT more granola

stupid, huh?

I'm so undecided. I fast all day one day and then swear I'll never do it again but end up fasting. I either eat junk with my friends or eat healthy (sorta) alone or (most often lately) I eat nothing at all. none of these options are really good for me, but I can't figure out how to eat right and not be miserable.

I have a birthday party tonight and already had granola for breakfast. I want help, but I want to get down to 118 before I ask for it. lol, that sounds stupid, huh?

last night

I ate a lot last night. and I was so happy because California (boat cruise guy) was there and we get along so well. He's such a sweet heart and I know he'd be good for me.

He played me some songs on his guitar. he has this amazing voice and he plays really well, too. all the while I was thinking, "who wrote this?" and "I wonder how much he sounds like the singer.." but then it turns out that he writes his own music. so he's basically a perfect human being. and for some reason he's interested in me. I just hope I don't disappoint. 

I got home and did homework after a night feeling almost pretty and giggly and having such a crush. And then my roommates were talking about their problem areas, and I looked in the mirror and all my good attributes were gone. poof. all I could see was one big problem area. Then my one roommate, Emma, told us she used to be bulimic. I asked her how she got over it and we ended up talking about her eating disorder and my whatever I have until 4:30 in the morning.

and then we both slept through the class we have together this morning (lol)

Her knowing scares me. but I also feel like it's a good thing. I don't know. I ate cereal this morning and I'm heading to the gym in half an hour. I weigh 131 again, so up a pound. but really, things could be so much worse.

flirting at the art museum

another vlog!

I'm in a better mood today. sorry about the past few days.

I'll tell you how the evening went tomorrow
have a nice thursday, my loves!

confusion

I promised myself last night when I wanted to eat so bad that I would eat an apple at 8 am. But now it's 10 am and I still haven't eaten anything. I just feel like eating would waste all this effort. I don't know. is this wrong or not?
anonymous, if I know you in real life, I'm sorry. You shouldn't be reading this, though.

I decided that as extra motivation I will rent The Notebook if I manage to make it to tomorrow morning without breaking this fast. but that shouldn't be all that hard as the thought of chewing food makes me feel like a complete failure. But then again, I'm afraid of the damage of not eating, too. Like muscle loss and the possible binge that will follow. I just don't know.

**EDIT

I ate at noon. I had a slice of the banana bread my father sent me. I literally cried in the kitchen as I tried to decide if I wanted to eat it. and then I thought about how much I love my dad and I ate it.
then I went to class and tried to focus.
when I got back from class I ate goldfish (bad) and gummy bears (very bad)
then I went shopping on Newbury Street for the first time and shopped in my shell-shocked grief. 62 hours? am I crazy? or am I weak?
then I had a grilled cheese and frozen yogurt with a friend I met up with. It was really good.
Even though my stomach is stretched from all this eating, I feel so emotionally empty. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about food and so much willpower by eating it. but I also feel like a crazy dumbass. I can't decide how I feel at all.

I have a million things to do tonight. and a million things to do tomorrow as well. I have 2 classes, my first day of work, and I'm meeting California for dinner. (obvi I'm most excited for seeing California. He's playing me a song <3 ) but yet here I am, unable to focus on anything but my weight and how much I eat/ exercise. I'm an absolute mess.

thanks for the concern, Clear Girl. But I've always had this ana mentality. she would have found me one way or another.

131, hallelujah

It's bewilderingly easy to skip meals at college. Living independently means I can can eat nothing all day, and nobody will suspect a thing. there is no reason for someone not to believe you when you say you just ate with other people. I kind of wish there was someone to look out for me, and tell me I need to eat something. I wish someone was paying attention.

but then again, if I were being watched like before (not in a conscious way, but my family eats dinner together so it's noticed if you don't touch your food) I'd never have gotten through yesterday without eating. Or friday, or saturday for that matter. and then I wouldn't have been 131 this morning. i was 131 lbs this morning! it's sad that my weight has been almost exactly the same for months, but this is the first big change I've seen in a longgg time. I guess my on/off dieting was at least good for keeping me from gaining.

Sofia and I are fasting today. She's starting the ABC again, too, so wish her luck. I want to fast until I see 129 on my scale. I just hope that happens by tomorrow morning. I plan to break fast with an apple and then do a liquid fast until friday. I heard that breaking fast with a solid food is good for you in some way, but I forget why.

besides weight loss, this fast is also saving me money on my college meal plan. I was basically burning money on food, and since thursday I've only spent 12 dollars.

I'm meeting the guy I met on the boat cruise on last saturday for a dance on thursday night. I knew that on Sunday, but then he texted me to ask if I wanted to hang out before the dance, too. I really like him, and it seems he likes me too. I'll call him California Now he's an added inspiration to be skinny. I'll make it a mantra in my head: 118 by Christmas

internal conflict

I ate a lot yesterday:
smoothie (300)+ 2 fiber bars +(240) apple +(90) pasta +(400) milk +(110) crackers +(200)
=1,340
and I only burned what I walked off, which wasn't all that much.

It was so weird not to enjoy what I ate and simultaneously feel the guilt like usual. Instead, I felt enormously hungry all day and tried to choose foods that would fill me up for less calories. I didn't enjoy them, I only felt fat. does that make me disordered? I swore I'd never go to that place of no return, I swore I'd never go ana.
"I'm pro-ana, but I don't have a problem..."


I haven't eaten yet today and I don't plan on eating the rest of today. And if I do it will only be an apple.

but is that wrong?

The past few weeks, through all this awful confusion, I've fallen back in love with my Jesus. I love Him so much, I just want to be filled with His light. But that makes me question if hurting myself in this way is really what I want to be doing. Isn't wanting to be thin just another idol? but even if I wanted to give up trying to be thin, I'm not sure I could. My own self hatred and destruction is so ingrained, I can't just remove a part of myself.
this is so difficult!!

boat cruise

I just got back from church. I decided to end my fast early and get a mango smoothie after I got back to my college. I was shaking this morning in the shower and my heartbeat felt irregular. When the guy sitting next to me at church (more on him later) noticed my hands shaking I decided it was time to give it up. I'm not doing this to kill myself or pass out with a bunch of people staring. I'm doing this so I'm the type of girl who other people want to be. So I can not worry if a dress makes me look fat and so I can wear a bikini and feel no shame.
I was 133 this morning. but that will go up a lot after breaking my fast. I need to find a way to lose weight without putting it back on in a matter of hours.

This morning I met up for church with a guy from a technology school across town. He's studying mechanical engineering and I'm studying journalism. go figure. Anyway, we met on the boat cruise last night and really hit it off. He's a super nice guy and we have tons in common. And I'm pretty sure he likes me as much as I like him, which is completely wonderful. the only tiny issue is that he's 6'4. yeah... and I'm 5'2 so he's over a foot taller than me. That might make the logistics of kissing a little more difficult.. (lol I'm such a weirdo)

Oh I hope I get to kiss him!

He plays guitar and he's a great singer. And he's a lacrosse player who isn't a jerk. Plus, when we were talking last night he randomly interrupted me with "you've got really pretty eyes. I can't figure them out but they're beautiful." Oh my freaking gosh I am so happy about this one. We have plans for later today and a dance on Thursday night. yayy for pretty boys that make us happy :)

weekend warrior

I've actually been making friends lately, which surprises me. But I have been missing all my meetings and I missed another class. So that really stinks. I just can't remember anything! I have to work on that. apparently, writing things down isn't enough for my puny brain anymore.

Yesterday I ate some pretzels when I woke up and some peanuts and rice cakes later on at around noon for lunch. then I felt awful about it and went to the gym I did an hour on the elliptical on a higher resistance than usual. I looked disgusting by the end of it! But at least I burned 560 calories according to the machine. that put me at negative so i didn't eat anything the rest of the day. I had a cup of black tea at around 11 pm, but I don't think that really counts. I'm gonna try to fast until Monday morning. wish me luck!

Tonight I'm going on a harbour cruise around Boston. It's a dance, too so I'm really excited. I love dancing! I just have to find an outfit that makes me look slim but still shows a little skin. that'll be tough..

yesterday was...

crazy. in a word.

I went to class like usual and sat with this guy named Sam. he's British but has been living in the US since he was like 12. We hung out in the library for like 2 hours and had a nice time. we didn't get much work done, but it was good. I felt like I was finally making a friend.
Then I found out a kid from my high school died after a five year battle with cancer. it's so incredibly sad. I spent like 3 hours crying and just missing home so much. I wanted to go back so badly. But then I went to dinner with some girl friends, and guess who showed up? Sam.
So then I ended up hanging out with him for the rest of the night. and through the whole weird turn of events we ended up walking to 7-11 at 1:30 in the morning. We were talking and then he started talking about how he's been thinking about me all day and how he really likes me. yeah. I know. at that point I'd only known him for like 12 hours. It was so freaky. I told him we'd be friends and then he was freaking out that he screwed up. I told him he didn't but he did. big time. poor kid.

the good thing is, all that distracted me from the awful stuff that's going on at home. I can't believe he's gone. it's just so sad.
I miss home. but at least I haven't eaten today.

it's tuesday

I haven't eaten a "meal" in three days now. I've been eating, but no full meals. which is good for calorie count but bad for structuring my day. I need to find a schedule that works for me as right now I keep missing appointments and events.

I've mostly been eating these fiber bars and rice cakes. I love rice cakes. and I got some peanuts for protein. I know peanuts have a lot of fat in them, but it's good fat. as long as you keep the quantity low, eating peanuts can be really good for losing weight without losing muscle. as for building muscle, I've been doing push-ups and planks before bed and doing a lot more cardio than I ever did at home. I think it'll be an improvement.

thanks for the nice comments on yesterday's post. I was having a really bad day after the shopping-induced kick in the stomach to my self-esteem.

Now I have a skype date with my ex-boyfriend (who I'm still in love with...) and I look a little gross. hopefully he doesn't mind.

true story

Okay, so I was really hungry after my 8 am class, so I thought, "hey, I 've been exercising a lot lately. why don't I go get a bagel?" I love bagels. they are my favorite. So I decided to walk 8 blocks down to the best bagel place I know, thinking that maybe the walking would at least counteract the cream cheese. But then I passed H&M and remembered I needed to get some nice pants for my new job. So I went in and tried some on. Guess what size I am? A fucking 8. yeah. I'm fat.
Obviously, that means the bagel is out of the question, so I just walked right on back to my dorm room to get ready for a class in half an hour. I'm not eating anymore. At least not when I can help it. I am wayyy too fat to eat. calories are a reward for being beautiful. And that's not something I've earned yet.

I just wanna be skinny...

EDIT:

today's intake: half slice of banana bread my dad sent me (90)

                       apple (80)

exercise: city walking for 2 hours (300) yeah... I just wandered

              elliptical (140)

busy but distracted

I had a dream that my mother came to visit me. I kept waking up in the morning because I was done sleeping and had had enough of it, but I kept going back to sleep so I could see her again. Each time was different, but each time we talked. I wish I had asked her questions I've always wanted answers to, but instead we just talked in general. I miss her so much.

I haven't had a dream like that in a while. the type that shakes you up and keeps your mind occupied all day. But it's made me so sad all day long.

Got a lot done yesterday and today- classes and homework, a bunch of meetings, errands, got my work study job, and got my banking ironed out. proud of myself, but also exhausted .

I went to the gym both yesterday and today. yesterday I burned 300 on the elliptical, and today I did some calisthenics and the elliptical and burned 400. I feel really good about that.
right now I really want to eat, but so far it's been a negative day and I don't want to ruin that by eating more than the 400 calories I burned.

hmm. well. I hope all of your weekends have been happier than mine.

stop crying

I missed my class this morning. and then spent the rest of the morning crying about it. I feel like such a baby, but I honestly can't stop crying. it's awful. I think this proves that I am not mature enough to handle being on my own or making my own decisions. Seriously, I don't think I'm cut out to be a journalist. I'm not cut throat enough.

Last night I skipped dinner but still ate like 300 calories worth of chocolate. fail.
And I watched the documentary Jesus Camp with my atheist suite mate who kept asking me what the religious stuff meant. I told her everything she wanted to know even though now I feel like such a loser. She's got this thing about her that makes you want to give her everything just so she'll like you. I don't know why her approval means so much to me. I wish it didn't.

I got my period this morning which definitely didn't aid me in my attempts to stop balling my eyes out. I weighed in and I weigh 137, the highest I've been in months. I've been on a plateau, staying right around 132-134 since May, which has been really frustrating but I knew it was my own fault. But now it looks like I'm gaining and I cannot let that happen. So I'm kicking into high gear and I'm gonna get down to 118 by Christmas.
If I'm gonna fail college, I'm not gonna fail myself with this weight loss.

it's raining out the window

I just got from the gym and I feel like such a loser. I don't know how to use any of the machines and everyone else looks better than me. :/ I tried to use the elliptical but didn't know how to turn it on. So I ended up doing intervals on the cross-trainer for half an hour. The machine tells me that I burned 320 calories. I hope it's right since I ate mainly junk today.

To follow up on my last post- I don't think Julia has an eating problem, I think she's just super stressed about school. Some people don't eat when they're stresses and others over-eat. I am of the later category, unfortunately. I really shouldn't say I hate her, but she has been getting under my skin in a major way. I'm just too meek to do anything about that.

I have only 4 classes (and one small pretend class), and already on the second day I have a huge pile of work. how am I going to function with all this and the voices that keep yelling at me in my head? Everyone (well, almost everyone) seems to be so much better than me at everything. They don't look afraid at all, but I've been shaking in my boots since I got here.

Problem is, I don't know who to tell. I called my old boyfriend, and he just told me my problems sound stupid. I don't want to call my friends who are also in college cause they have enough going on in their lives without me getting crazy. And I don't want to tell my Dad cause I don't want him to worry. I need to find a friend here!

for some reason when I was running, I noticed how my eyebrows help keep sweat out of my eyes.

I've got a perfect body

but sometimes I forget,

I've got a perfect body

cause my eyelashes catch my sweat

-Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"

guess who lost ten pounds in a week?

no, not me. 

it was that bitch, Julia. I know. I officially hate her now.

I just got back from an open mic night. and the guy I danced with was there! best part was, he found me. and he invited me back to his room and said he really hopes he'll see me again. sighhh.....

and by the way, i did lose one pound in college. yay me :)

thanks for the support on that last post, too. I haven't been doing very well at college so far.

ranting

clingy roommates are really getting on my nerves. they're making it a lot more difficult for me to make my own friends. I mean, they're nice, but not exactly the people I want to spend all my time with.

At dinner last night, my one roommate named Julia insisted I come along to dinner with her and her friend who was visiting from across the city. So we went, and I ordered some veggie wrap, which they were out of. so then I ordered some cheese thing with tomatoes and they were all out of that too. so, frustrated with the very limited options on the menu, I just ordered the chicken pesto sandwich (which has about 600 calories by my calculation) and Julia gave me this look of disapproval.
mine came out first, so I was eating by the time everyone else's arrived (yeah, I know, bad manners... but whatever. it was a hot sandwich quickly cooling). I ate the first half and was about to pick up the second when Julia was like "wow, you really ate that fast." Then my other roommate Sam was like "well she got her a lot earlier than the rest of us." and then Julia laughed and said "that's not an excuse" and went back to eating the first half of her sandwich.

I just wanted to scream at her: I went running today and you didn't! I had salad for lunch and you had mac&cheese! You had hot chocolate and I had black tea! she's skinnier than me so she can get away with it. but still. it makes me angry and makes me feel like the biggest fat failure in the world.

and I think I've gained weight since being here. grrrreaatt.

dance the night away

last night I went to this dance thing that was part of college orientation. I wore a pink summer dress and sandals. I was considering a much more revealing but fun dress, but then I decided not to. I didn't want to scare anyone off with the cellulite on my thighs.
and apparently I didn't look all that bad.
I danced with one guy who was super good, I was watching him thinking "hot damn" and then he made eye contact with me and asked me to dance. things seem to be unchanged from high school dances, so mostly it was just grinding and jumping- things that (luckily) require little dancing ability. then I sorta just danced with any guy who wanted to. it was great, no one really knew each other so it was just casual and had no other emotional attachment.
and I think all the dancing put a dent in my goldfish calories :)

this morning I finally made it to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. not the most intense workout, but I had it on high resistance and burned 280 calories according to the machine.
I think I'm making a place for myself here. and hopefully, things will keep getting better.

anxiety

there is a girl in the suite next door that is like 5'8 and probably around 98 pounds. she is an ana goddess.

ugh... I was so stressed out today after the meet and greet/ lecture with my new professors. The way they were talking, I'm doubting I'll make it even a month a college. which sucks, because I really don't want to disappoint everyone by coming home without a diploma. sigh. I'm screwed. so in my sadness, I ate almost an entire bag of goldfish. not good. that's 840 calories, btw. luckily I didn't eat much else today, but still- goldfish have a ton of salt and carbs and fat.

My roommate finally arrived and she's really nice. she isn't thin but she's pretty. one of those rare girls who could actually pass as a good plus size model. she wears weight well, unlike me. I think I was meant to be a petite little 100 pound something, but i screwed myself up. I'll add that to the list of personal failures.