I ate a lot yesterday:
smoothie (300)+ 2 fiber bars +(240) apple +(90) pasta +(400) milk +(110) crackers +(200)
=1,340
and I only burned what I walked off, which wasn't all that much.
It was so weird not to enjoy what I ate and simultaneously feel the guilt like usual. Instead, I felt enormously hungry all day and tried to choose foods that would fill me up for less calories. I didn't enjoy them, I only felt fat. does that make me disordered? I swore I'd never go to that place of no return, I swore I'd never go ana.
"I'm pro-ana, but I don't have a problem..."
I haven't eaten yet today and I don't plan on eating the rest of today. And if I do it will only be an apple.
but is that wrong?
The past few weeks, through all this awful confusion, I've fallen back in love with my Jesus. I love Him so much, I just want to be filled with His light. But that makes me question if hurting myself in this way is really what I want to be doing. Isn't wanting to be thin just another idol? but even if I wanted to give up trying to be thin, I'm not sure I could. My own self hatred and destruction is so ingrained, I can't just remove a part of myself.
this is so difficult!!
I guess only we can answer whether it is wrong to not eat when it comes to ourselves.
ReplyDeleteOkay that ^ sounded a bit too 'deep' lol. I didn't eat today either. I was going to but that stupid guilt and feeling fat always entered mind. Annoying.