I'm applying to jobs again. Which always makes me feel like an enormous failure. I was lazy in college and didn't apply to any worthwhile internships, waitressing and goofing off instead. Any internship that could lead to experience and later work require me to be earning college credit or to have graduated in the past year, which is no longer true.
I have no journalism experience, few skills, and I don't interview well. Any job that seems interesting to me feels unattainable. Just reading job requirements and applying to things makes me sob and sink into a sad space in my head that makes me want to binge and stop thinking about this awful awful job searching process. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
So here I am. Crying and feeling absolutely worthless.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Trying desperately not to binge right now
In that last post I think I was bragging about how I felt fewer carb cravings. OMG not today. I'm craving everything. All I want is popcorn and arepas and fried rice and bread and ice cream and sugar. The last 30 minutes or so I've been looking at before and after pictures to try and motivate myself.
Update on the carb situation-
Thursday: 21.6g
Friday: 35.8g (there was a bit of wine...)
Saturday (5:30pm): 20.5g
So not really that horrible. I'm okay this those numbers, they're under 50kg, so that's a good thing. Also, congrats to me for going out late last night and not coming home and binging!! I had wine before I left the house and then one vodka soda (high calories, but no carbs! I had about 2oz). Scale responded just a little bit. I lost 1kg, bringing me down to 66kg. My goal was to be 65kg by Sunday (tomorrow) but I don't think that's in the cards.
New goal: 64kg by March 12th.
Side note: measuring in kilograms has been a good change for me. There is so much emotional weight attached to pounds for me, seeing numbers like 68 and 64 are way less stressful than seeing 150 or 141, even though they mean the same thing. Not sure what this means, but it's an interesting observation.
Going out again tonight. I'm making it part of my plan to build in alcohol and going out because I really enjoy going out and it's good for me mentally. So I'm just trying to plan around the alcohol better now. Trying to make vodka soda my new drink, even though I don't particularly love it.
Update on the carb situation-
Thursday: 21.6g
Friday: 35.8g (there was a bit of wine...)
Saturday (5:30pm): 20.5g
So not really that horrible. I'm okay this those numbers, they're under 50kg, so that's a good thing. Also, congrats to me for going out late last night and not coming home and binging!! I had wine before I left the house and then one vodka soda (high calories, but no carbs! I had about 2oz). Scale responded just a little bit. I lost 1kg, bringing me down to 66kg. My goal was to be 65kg by Sunday (tomorrow) but I don't think that's in the cards.
New goal: 64kg by March 12th.
Side note: measuring in kilograms has been a good change for me. There is so much emotional weight attached to pounds for me, seeing numbers like 68 and 64 are way less stressful than seeing 150 or 141, even though they mean the same thing. Not sure what this means, but it's an interesting observation.
Going out again tonight. I'm making it part of my plan to build in alcohol and going out because I really enjoy going out and it's good for me mentally. So I'm just trying to plan around the alcohol better now. Trying to make vodka soda my new drink, even though I don't particularly love it.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
LCHF
Sunday: 74g
Monday: 115g
Tuesday: 44g
Wednesday: 42g
Thursday (as of 2pm): 23g
I'm on a new low-carb high-fat diet. My goal is to stay under 50g of carbs everyday. Ideally much lower, but I've been eating a lot of vegetables which have fiber in them, so a lot of those carbs are from that. Lots of eggs, chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, cauliflower, lettuce, ground beef, cheese. A little bit of almonds and peanut butter, bacon, cream. The high number on Monday was from a sugary latte my friend bought me and I felt too guilty to turn down (I find it highly embarrassing to admit that I'm on any kind of diet) and from a cup of black beans before I realized how high carb they are, I learned a lot that day and have started logging my meals before I eat them.
My hope was that I would have lost at least a little bit by now, almost five days in, but still nothing. I'm still 67kg-ish, though I was hoping to be 65 by this Saturday, March 4th. There's still time, but still, it's discouraging. I know, I know, be patient. But I'm having trouble keeping my motivation without seeing any results on the scale.
I will say, however, that my skin looks a bit clearer and that I've stopped craving carbs the way I did on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (and every day before that, for that matter). I moved all the carbs into a hidden low drawer and I don't even think about them anymore.
I'll update again once I've lost a little bit of weight.
Monday: 115g
Tuesday: 44g
Wednesday: 42g
Thursday (as of 2pm): 23g
I'm on a new low-carb high-fat diet. My goal is to stay under 50g of carbs everyday. Ideally much lower, but I've been eating a lot of vegetables which have fiber in them, so a lot of those carbs are from that. Lots of eggs, chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, cauliflower, lettuce, ground beef, cheese. A little bit of almonds and peanut butter, bacon, cream. The high number on Monday was from a sugary latte my friend bought me and I felt too guilty to turn down (I find it highly embarrassing to admit that I'm on any kind of diet) and from a cup of black beans before I realized how high carb they are, I learned a lot that day and have started logging my meals before I eat them.
My hope was that I would have lost at least a little bit by now, almost five days in, but still nothing. I'm still 67kg-ish, though I was hoping to be 65 by this Saturday, March 4th. There's still time, but still, it's discouraging. I know, I know, be patient. But I'm having trouble keeping my motivation without seeing any results on the scale.
I will say, however, that my skin looks a bit clearer and that I've stopped craving carbs the way I did on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (and every day before that, for that matter). I moved all the carbs into a hidden low drawer and I don't even think about them anymore.
I'll update again once I've lost a little bit of weight.
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