soldier on

I wake up in the morning and cry in the shower. I go to sleep at night and cry until I fall asleep. mostly in the middle of the day I find enough distraction to not think.

I'm afraid I'm not good enough to be a journalist. I know I'm not good at very much else that could give me success in some other career field. I'm absolutely positive that I'm not pretty enough for someone to fall in love with me.

Mostly, I just want to curl up and go to sleep forever. I don't want to listen to the news anymore. I can't deal with the numbers and words and the images. I'm just done. but I have no idea where to go from here or what I could do besides this that I wouldn't regret letting go of school and my media dreams.

why can't I stop crying?

airwaves

I've been pretty busy lately, only having time to hate myself for a few minutes a day. I'm working on 2 radio stations, a TV station, I'm on a quidditch team, I write for a magazine, I have a job, and I have classes. There is so much to do all the time!

sorry I keep posting such short things and I haven't been keeping up on everyone's blogs.

I think maybe this business is a way out for me. A way to be happy and not trapped inside my own head.

voices

In journalism class we had to write radio stories and then record them. Of course the professor picks me to share my story. My voice sounds terrible and I stutter over my words when I'm reading off a paper. It was so embarrassing! and then she had all this criticism. She was trying to be nice, but it was obvious that I didn't do well at all.

I think I'm going to go to the gm now instead of eating dinner. I feel so weak and disgusting. hopefully the workout combined with all the laxies will mean I've lost a little bit of weight since last week.

not fine

the weight of a thousand daily howsitgoing?good's are crushing me.

Today was an awful day. I literally cried 5 times. (and I almost never use the word literally. that's how bad today is.)

I don't know why I write here anymore. It's not as if I'm successfully dieting or anything, or like I'm commenting and being a good part of the community.
I also don't know why I'm in school anymore. I hate it here and I always feel like less of a person. I don't think I was meant to be a journalist. I'm more meant to serve food and be invisible. when did I ever think that I was good enough to be important? I'm just so stupid.

nondescript

I haven't worked out in 4 days, which feels pretty crappy. And I've been feeling homesick which is also pretty crappy.

I have an interview today to be on the radio. My voice isn't suited for the radio, but I'd love to work behind the scenes. There's a news quiz in the interview so I'm really hoping they don't ask me super tough questions.

Trying to eat healthier, but there aren't many options at school. This is really hard.

I slept today

I water fasted today. I'm almost proud of myself. It was a little easier than I expected after having not fasted for almost two months. But I think I can attribute that to sleeping for a good part of the day as well.

Have you ever seen Mao's Last Dancer? It's a beautiful movie,very engaging. I loved the whole thing. And it was a great reason not to eat at the end of the day. (don't you just love ballet for that?)

I wish I had more weekend, but I have to wake up early tomorrow for classes.

I'm focusing on arms right now. That's my inspiration, to have smaller arms. 

pour your fucking heart out

you know what makes me cry? the cellulite on my thighs. the fat on my stomach and sides. my huge ham arms. my chubby five-year-old fingers. my huge puffy cheeks.
all of it makes me cry.

why can't I stop eating?

because I'm weak as fuck. 

I went out last night with my best friends at college. I tried on about 6 dresses before I went to one of my friend's rooms to do my hair and make-up. She's gorgeous. She has Taylor Swift hair and is teeny tiny. She's a dancer and basically exactly who I wish I was. Part of me thinks she hangs out with me because I make her look prettier in comparison. Another girl who came is kinda larger but she's really smart and funny so everyone loves her. She's completely fun to be around. The third girl is seriously the smallest person I know who's my age. She is about my height, but probably weighs abound 60 pounds, no joke. her thighs are smaller than my fore-arms.

When we were getting ready I almost cried when my friend was doing my hair. I can't stand my face. It used to be okay looking about 6 months ago. and then I gained this weight and I look like an enormous failure. I can't stand it.

It took me being completely drunk before I was genuinely happy. I was still aware of how fat and ugly I am, but it wasn't the whole truth in my mind. I felt like I was maybe passable.

But now the alcohol has worn off and I'm back to being aware of how huge and disgusting I am.

I need to lose weight and keep it off this time. I can't live with looking like this. I can't live with feeling like this. 

better

Sorry for that waaay too dramatic post last night. I've been bumming about being back at college and at night it gets to be a little overwhelming.

I had my first classes today. My visual arts class is a total snooze (I'm trying to switch out of it) but I LOVE my journalism class. The professor is a rock star. Honestly, she's pretty much exactly who I want to be when I grow up. She's gorgeous and charismatic and she's had all these awesome jobs. She probably has a hot husband, too. I can't wait for the next class.

I had grilled chicken and spinach salad for lunch and then slipped up and had a few sugar cookies in the afternoon. I'm trying a new approach (surprising, I know. It's not as if I start a new diet every week or anything) where I eat as much meat, fish, nuts, vegetables, as I want (all low fat, of course) but I have to avoid carbs and sugars. It's based on that diet Kate Middleton does, but I don't feel like buying the book. Hard part is, carbs are my favorite thing, so I'm not sure this is going to work out so well.

I went to the gym today and ran for 20 minutes. good start to the semester. I forgot my scale at home, which annoys me to no end. But the good thing is that now it's a motivator. If I want to see my weight I have to go down to the gym locker room, meaning I have to go work out. such good motivation! I'm almost glad I forgot my scale (but also not because I compulsively check it every morning before breakfast)

please no

I spent Saturday sleeping and throwing up. It was totally disgusting, but didn't hurt as much as it normally does, which was good. I hate being sick, but I'm glad I'm getting over my fear of puking.

I'm back at school. I thought I would be happy to get back, to be distracted and back with my college friends. But I hate it. I don't want to be here at all. I feel ugly and inferior all the time. I miss my home and my family and the school work makes me want to hide under a rock. oh God.

I need to make new friends again, but I can't. because I'm me. I can't escape myself. Or my stupidity. Humor is a sign of intelligence, right? I have none. I can never think of the right words to say, or words to say at all for that matter.

I need a good friend again- someone that I haven't ruined friendship with yet. Thinking about all this I'm going to cry.

i'm binge-tastic, thanks for asking.

but i don't really care.

double

sorry for the non-posting. not sure if i want to blog anymore. i keep getting attacked for it.
i have such poor judgement. sigh.

had a good day food-wise:
-caesar salad 520
-pb crackers 200
-rice and veggies 80
-chicken 80
bad day money-wise, though. bummer.
and! four days straight of exercise. go me!

I got my second piercing today:

I got lost on the way to the mall. I hate highways and I've got not sense of direction. Next time I'm bringing a map and a GPS and a boy scout.
I didn't get scared and it didn't hurt. I just wish it had been more of an event- that I had my friend with me to pick out earrings and hold my hand even though I wasn't afraid. It made me feel so lonely.
There are a lot of things that we are capable of doing alone. in fact, I think I'd have no trouble living alone. but that's not the point in living. I think I lost sight of that in all my self-hatred; being fat isn't the end of the world. I'd like to change it, yes, but it isn't the thing that should consume my thoughts. that's my new year's resolution: put others first (but don't compromise my own well being, after all, life is all about balance.)

have been

my heart is pounding with could-have-beens
words we said, the things we did
(and will do again, some day, I think.)
I almost wish the could-have-beens were real
that I kissed you sweeter
that the cop had something to really yell about
there are so many should-have-beens
they make my mind swim- no! overflow with possibility
of all the ways I love you

2012

Happy New Year! and it's my 1 year blogiversary! yay!!! well, sort of yay. haha, I haven't made too much progress in a year, which I find sad. I lost 15 pounds by April, then lost 10 more by August. Then college happened, and despite my convictions not to, I gained 15 back. Then I lost 5 between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So I finished the year at 144, about 6 pounds lighter than I started it.

a lot has happened this year. It's been a lot more eventful than any year I've had.

-graduated high school

-started college

-made friends

-lost friends

-did the EDNOS thing

-fell in love

-went on dates

-got noticed

-learned to drive

-drank alcohol

-went to California

-pulled an all-nighter

-changed my hair

And last night I added one more thing to that list- got drunk. I had never gotten drunk like that before. A friend of mine invited me to his New Years Eve party. He had one last year too, but this year he decided to let people drink. it was one of those classic basement parties with a pong table and crappy couches, the walls were wood paneling and the carpet was shag.

I had 3 mixed drinks in about half an hour. I didn't think it was so bad but then I stood up from a game we were playing and the room spun. Soon everything was shaky and I was talking more than usual. I just felt relaxed and a little bit dangerous. like it was okay if I let my guard down and was honest. I danced and had a ton of fun and drank quite a bit more after I had decided I'd had enough. People kept telling me they were surprised that I was drinking, the host called me the cutest drunk he ever met.

I didn't eat in preparation for the party, which was a feat considering the delicious-smelling chocolate chip pancakes my dad made for breakfast. I brushed my teeth instead. But then I had pizza (240) and chips (90?) and a cookie (60). oh yeah, and a ton of soda and alcohol. I'll just put a check mark next to that day and try to remember it was a holiday, not a weak moment. oh boy.

I worry that I said too much, I worry that people think badly of me. I know it's not a rational fear, but it's there. I don't regret drinking or having fun, though. I had a great time, even if it was hell to wake up in the morning. My little brother picked me up in the morning, I'm so thankful that he can drive- the whole house smelled like alcohol.

I have some resolutions, too:

1. 125 by summer

2. try being vegan for one week

3. save money

4. be more positive

5. give better