SGD... again (lol)

I'm up at my family's mountain house surrounded by my favorite people in the world. they'll always love me. they won't ignore me, they won't forget to invite me ice skating. (#threebestfriends?! seriously? I fucking hate you and how fake you are. I wish I were a big enough person to get over this. it isn't the first time and sure won't be the last.)
okay. passive aggressive rant over.

I did super well on calories yesterday, but I didn't get any exercise. I'll document this for the future, so I can remember a day whenI wasn't a failure.
clementine (35)
tea (0)
cheerios (50)
peanut butter (85)
grapes (90)
caesar salad (250)
total: 510

but if I go by SGD, then the clem and the grapes don't count and I get a total of 395, which is under the thursday limit of 500. I think I can do this. Or at least I can try.

Today is supposed to be 450. So far I've had a bowl of cheerios (60) and a cup of tea (0) and we're going skiing later on. So exercise will give me a little wiggle room to be social.

Molly

Christmas was really nice. I like giving people presents and I like all the tradition. This year felt a lot different because my family got a puppy. Her name is Molly and she's an 8 week old cocker spaniel. her favorite things at the moment are sleeping and biting. When she bites it doesn't hurt because her teeth are too little, but we're trying to teach her not to bite at all. and gosh is she cute! She just does the most adorable things, like slipping on the wood floor and the way her ears flap behind her when she runs.

d'awww

anyway...

I have been eating too much (as expected). I'm really disapointed in my bingeful behavior. ugh. I really wish I weren't such a fat ass. my only saving grace is that I've also been working out. I've tried to run everyday but that hasn't happened. Instead I run most days and do some ab workouts out of a fitness magazine. also I've been popping laxies like candy. eww. so some good things, some bad things this winter break so far.

my goal is to be below 135 by the time I go back to school. 3 weeks, I think I can do it. 

clementine

I am so sorry it took me so long to post. it's been too long. I like sharing my life with my readers, and I like being able to look back on things. so I am sorry to my readers and I am sorry to myself, i'll try to be a better blogger.

I weigh 144 pounds right now. down about 5 since thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be happy about that progress.
I'm also on my period. I hate my period. but who doesn't?

oh, and btw, I'm home on Christmas break.
today I sat on my butt and watched TV and filled out end of semester surveys for school. So boring :/
I had plans to go to my old high school and see my friends for lunch, but my dad took the car so I couldn't make it. I called a friend to pick me up, but she's a bitch and wouldn't she said it would take too long. In other words, I'm not worth the gas money or the time. I get that the lunch period is short, but I would have picked her up if the situation were reversed and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Just another example of how mean my home friends are. I really hate them sometimes. and yeah, I'm overly dramatic, but they're overly apathetic about how much pain I'm in. after she called me back I cried for half an hour and called a friend from college. the college friend is a whole heck of a lot nicer than my home friends.

I ate too much today. and then I did a ton of crunches and push ups and went for an hour and half walk. while I was walking I remembered how God puts us through trials. How hard things in our lives make us better. Being fat and ugly and having terrible friends makes me a stronger person. it makes me more compassionate. I can do this, but it's gonna hurt like hell.

I think I'm gonna go take some laxies and eat a clementine.

puppy

we're getting a puppy!!!

a little blond cocker spaniel. she's 8 weeks old and absolutely gorgeous. I cannot wait until she arrives on Christmas morning!!!

screaming

honestly. I'm disgusting. I am so fucking disgusting. LKGJOEWURAHBVJAEJBEUAIV!!!  I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!

I ate wayyy too much today. and I didn't go to the gym. I was feeling so good this morning that I unfollowed all the thinspo blogs on tumblr that I used to follow. Then just now my roommate put up a really unflattering picture of me on facebook. So I drank a ton of water and took some laxies (because I'm far too wimpy and pathetic to purge. I suck at everything)

I am so fat! and I can't do anything right. and I'm crying, too, apparently I'm just too weak to hold it together.

listing

no class today=
woke up and did squats while I brushed my teeth
then did some planks and sit-ups (-30)
changed into gym clothes
went to the gym
exercised on the elliptical for 35 minutes (-180)
worked another 20 minutes on weight machines (-60)
went back the room to shower
drank tea
worked on schoolwork/tumblr
ate lunch with my roommates (wrap 450, chips 200, water)
edited audio
prateek called me (read my blog circa spring/summer 2010)
went to (uber hard) yoga class (-100)
more homework/ blogging

yesterday in class we discussed Occupy Boston and I explained to class (since I think they needed to know the facts before they started spouting opinions) about how the courts had ruled on the situation. My teacher looked at me and said "you are so up on surrent events. like, you always seem to know what's going on... are you a journalism major?" I was so shocked and pleased! this is the second teacher that has praised my knowledge of current events and history. After their comments I feel so much more confident in my goals to be a reporter.

I'm so fat. that's why I need all this exercise. and that's why I didn't need that terrible lunch. I checked my weight on three different scales today. they all tell me something different. they all tell me something disgraceful.

so much dancing

My roomie and I went to see the Nutcracker ballet today. It was gorgeous! I had never been to a ballet before and it was absolutely flawless and beautiful. I want to be a ballerina. There were all these little girls there in red velvet dresses with red bows in their hair. So cute!

Then we went to lunch with her mum and her brother at PF Chang's. I had veggie stir-fry, which isn't exactly low-cal, but it's better than some of the other options.

Then I got ready and went to my friend's dance show. I swear I'm just torturing myself today watching all these dancers. they're all so thin and pretty and talented. I can only wish I could dance so well. 

And guess what? then I got to show off my terrible dancing skills at the winter dance my school threw at the hotel down the block. They called it the Yule Ball, how cute. Some drunk guy danced with me and kept telling me how pretty I looked. I wish some one thought I was pretty when they were sober, that would be nice.

No exercise and too much food. I should just give up on this being a weight loss blog at this point. I'm pretty pathetic.

fa la la la la

My school is very artsy, and there is such a thing as a musical theater major here, as well as a whole host of other theatery things. Tonight I went to go support one of my musical theater friends in the mini-musicals they were putting on as a final project of a class.

They were all good, but there was one in particular that was astounding. It was a musical about the life of Georges Seurat (the guy who painted the picnic) and the battle between his two great loves, his OCD paintings and his girlfriend. I don't know if it was a true story, but it was beautiful. and the actress who played his girlfriend was gorrrrgeous. She was incredibly delicate and lovely. I just died a little inside watching her be so beautiful and be so talented.

I hope you all are getting through December okay. It's a tough month- finals, cold weather, the holiday stress, extra food, too much family time. best of luck to all of us in the rest of it.

just talking

I had a waffle for breakfast. and then I had a cup of orange juice. yum.

I think I'll skip lunch from now on. it'll work better and I'll have more calories to use through the rest of the day. I used to do that in high school. and skipping lunch makes dinner less appealing because I feel like I have a record to not mess up.

anyone in need of some relaxation and beauty, follow these instructions:
1) open the first link and then the second 2) just listen

I'm hoping to get to the gym today. work was cancelled, so I have time.

ps
if anyone has a tumblr, please follow me so I can follow you back: visitinghere.tumblr.com

i need this again

walking home from work, i was thinking that maybe i'd be happy just staying this weight for a while. maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just be 143 until i find some real motivation. no reason to beat myself up.

but then i passed a reflective window and decided against giving up. i need to be thinner.

work outs start in the morning, ladies.

my dad's been pressuring me to find a job over break, even though i know it's not gonna happen. i'll probs just babysit or something and call it a day. so i'm gonna make working out my full time job, and devote my love of food to smoothies and low-cal soups. good plan? i think so.

i know i'll be so much happier avoiding the christmas cookies than eating them, so why waste the calories?

break-up

I broke up with prep today. It took 45 minutes of boring conversation to work up to actually saying it, but when I did it was just as terrible as I had imagined.

I know it was me that broke it off, but it still hurts really bad. He didn't even bother asking if we could try and work it out. He didn't want to give it any effort at all. Part of me wonders if perhaps it was because once my initial charm wore off he realized how ugly I am and how painfully sad I can be sometimes. I hate break-ups.

In typical break-up fashion I ate an entire pint of fro yo. I feel like such a pathetic fat ass.

to the anon (A?D?): I write this blog because the people here actually read what I write and then write back to me and make me feel like they care. I care about them and it's nice to be acknowledged in my life for a change. If I had friends in real life that I could trust to not just disappear, then maybe I wouldn't write here. But I have grown to love the girls here, and consider them to be true and loyal friends- even if what we encourage in each other isn't exactly healthy.