downward spiral

I thought I was a perfect applicant. They were practically begging people to apply. But I got rejected. The fact that there was a video part of the application makes me think maybe they didn't want me because I'm not pretty.

When am I going to stop doubting myself so much that I prohibit myself from actually accomplishing anything? I'm freaking out about my future and the fact that I have no job and no place to live come June. I don't even know which continent I'd like to live on once this contract is up. But yet I can't bring myself to even apply to any jobs or programs or schools because I feel like absolutely nobody will want to hire me. Or even let me volunteer with their organization. Because I'm uninteresting and dumb and have no skills and I'm not even pretty. 

Went on vacation alone this week. I went to Medellin and the coffee region and a park where they have the tallest palms trees in the world. I was in an absolutely stunning place and I cried everyday, for hours. I just feel so lost and pathetic and lonely.

It's despicable that I let appearance and beauty and weight matter this much to me. I believe that appearance is the thing that matters least about a person. But still I let myself cry and berate myself for hours that I'm not pretty or thin enough. I'm weak and can't stick to my principles. 

getting larger

Last post I wrote that I was doing alright. And that's still true, kinda.

Haven't weighed myself in a while, not since late January when I went with a friend for a free 2-day gym pass and I was at 63kg/138lbs. That number shocked me, cause I thought I was definitely still under 60. But nearly two months of vacation and travel put on some weight. I know I must be even heavier now.

I had a painful realization of it yesterday sitting in a plastic chair in shorts, seeing my pale thighs splayed out and enormous. Then another, even worse one when I was forced to watch a video of myself teaching. I made the mistake of wearing a tanktop and my ham arms were on full display. (ughhhh... just so completely gross. I'm so pink and copious and flabby.)

One day I want to know what it feels like to be super fit and thin and small. I bet it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Not just for the appearance, just for the ease of moving through the world in a smaller, tighter, more compact form. I want that. I need that. I just wish that food and my body shape weren't so inextricably connected.