SGD... again (lol)

I'm up at my family's mountain house surrounded by my favorite people in the world. they'll always love me. they won't ignore me, they won't forget to invite me ice skating. (#threebestfriends?! seriously? I fucking hate you and how fake you are. I wish I were a big enough person to get over this. it isn't the first time and sure won't be the last.)
okay. passive aggressive rant over.

I did super well on calories yesterday, but I didn't get any exercise. I'll document this for the future, so I can remember a day whenI wasn't a failure.
clementine (35)
tea (0)
cheerios (50)
peanut butter (85)
grapes (90)
caesar salad (250)
total: 510

but if I go by SGD, then the clem and the grapes don't count and I get a total of 395, which is under the thursday limit of 500. I think I can do this. Or at least I can try.

Today is supposed to be 450. So far I've had a bowl of cheerios (60) and a cup of tea (0) and we're going skiing later on. So exercise will give me a little wiggle room to be social.

Molly

Christmas was really nice. I like giving people presents and I like all the tradition. This year felt a lot different because my family got a puppy. Her name is Molly and she's an 8 week old cocker spaniel. her favorite things at the moment are sleeping and biting. When she bites it doesn't hurt because her teeth are too little, but we're trying to teach her not to bite at all. and gosh is she cute! She just does the most adorable things, like slipping on the wood floor and the way her ears flap behind her when she runs.

d'awww

anyway...

I have been eating too much (as expected). I'm really disapointed in my bingeful behavior. ugh. I really wish I weren't such a fat ass. my only saving grace is that I've also been working out. I've tried to run everyday but that hasn't happened. Instead I run most days and do some ab workouts out of a fitness magazine. also I've been popping laxies like candy. eww. so some good things, some bad things this winter break so far.

my goal is to be below 135 by the time I go back to school. 3 weeks, I think I can do it. 

clementine

I am so sorry it took me so long to post. it's been too long. I like sharing my life with my readers, and I like being able to look back on things. so I am sorry to my readers and I am sorry to myself, i'll try to be a better blogger.

I weigh 144 pounds right now. down about 5 since thanksgiving. I'm trying to remember to be happy about that progress.
I'm also on my period. I hate my period. but who doesn't?

oh, and btw, I'm home on Christmas break.
today I sat on my butt and watched TV and filled out end of semester surveys for school. So boring :/
I had plans to go to my old high school and see my friends for lunch, but my dad took the car so I couldn't make it. I called a friend to pick me up, but she's a bitch and wouldn't she said it would take too long. In other words, I'm not worth the gas money or the time. I get that the lunch period is short, but I would have picked her up if the situation were reversed and I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Just another example of how mean my home friends are. I really hate them sometimes. and yeah, I'm overly dramatic, but they're overly apathetic about how much pain I'm in. after she called me back I cried for half an hour and called a friend from college. the college friend is a whole heck of a lot nicer than my home friends.

I ate too much today. and then I did a ton of crunches and push ups and went for an hour and half walk. while I was walking I remembered how God puts us through trials. How hard things in our lives make us better. Being fat and ugly and having terrible friends makes me a stronger person. it makes me more compassionate. I can do this, but it's gonna hurt like hell.

I think I'm gonna go take some laxies and eat a clementine.

puppy

we're getting a puppy!!!

a little blond cocker spaniel. she's 8 weeks old and absolutely gorgeous. I cannot wait until she arrives on Christmas morning!!!

screaming

honestly. I'm disgusting. I am so fucking disgusting. LKGJOEWURAHBVJAEJBEUAIV!!!  I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!

I ate wayyy too much today. and I didn't go to the gym. I was feeling so good this morning that I unfollowed all the thinspo blogs on tumblr that I used to follow. Then just now my roommate put up a really unflattering picture of me on facebook. So I drank a ton of water and took some laxies (because I'm far too wimpy and pathetic to purge. I suck at everything)

I am so fat! and I can't do anything right. and I'm crying, too, apparently I'm just too weak to hold it together.

listing

no class today=
woke up and did squats while I brushed my teeth
then did some planks and sit-ups (-30)
changed into gym clothes
went to the gym
exercised on the elliptical for 35 minutes (-180)
worked another 20 minutes on weight machines (-60)
went back the room to shower
drank tea
worked on schoolwork/tumblr
ate lunch with my roommates (wrap 450, chips 200, water)
edited audio
prateek called me (read my blog circa spring/summer 2010)
went to (uber hard) yoga class (-100)
more homework/ blogging

yesterday in class we discussed Occupy Boston and I explained to class (since I think they needed to know the facts before they started spouting opinions) about how the courts had ruled on the situation. My teacher looked at me and said "you are so up on surrent events. like, you always seem to know what's going on... are you a journalism major?" I was so shocked and pleased! this is the second teacher that has praised my knowledge of current events and history. After their comments I feel so much more confident in my goals to be a reporter.

I'm so fat. that's why I need all this exercise. and that's why I didn't need that terrible lunch. I checked my weight on three different scales today. they all tell me something different. they all tell me something disgraceful.

so much dancing

My roomie and I went to see the Nutcracker ballet today. It was gorgeous! I had never been to a ballet before and it was absolutely flawless and beautiful. I want to be a ballerina. There were all these little girls there in red velvet dresses with red bows in their hair. So cute!

Then we went to lunch with her mum and her brother at PF Chang's. I had veggie stir-fry, which isn't exactly low-cal, but it's better than some of the other options.

Then I got ready and went to my friend's dance show. I swear I'm just torturing myself today watching all these dancers. they're all so thin and pretty and talented. I can only wish I could dance so well. 

And guess what? then I got to show off my terrible dancing skills at the winter dance my school threw at the hotel down the block. They called it the Yule Ball, how cute. Some drunk guy danced with me and kept telling me how pretty I looked. I wish some one thought I was pretty when they were sober, that would be nice.

No exercise and too much food. I should just give up on this being a weight loss blog at this point. I'm pretty pathetic.

fa la la la la

My school is very artsy, and there is such a thing as a musical theater major here, as well as a whole host of other theatery things. Tonight I went to go support one of my musical theater friends in the mini-musicals they were putting on as a final project of a class.

They were all good, but there was one in particular that was astounding. It was a musical about the life of Georges Seurat (the guy who painted the picnic) and the battle between his two great loves, his OCD paintings and his girlfriend. I don't know if it was a true story, but it was beautiful. and the actress who played his girlfriend was gorrrrgeous. She was incredibly delicate and lovely. I just died a little inside watching her be so beautiful and be so talented.

I hope you all are getting through December okay. It's a tough month- finals, cold weather, the holiday stress, extra food, too much family time. best of luck to all of us in the rest of it.

just talking

I had a waffle for breakfast. and then I had a cup of orange juice. yum.

I think I'll skip lunch from now on. it'll work better and I'll have more calories to use through the rest of the day. I used to do that in high school. and skipping lunch makes dinner less appealing because I feel like I have a record to not mess up.

anyone in need of some relaxation and beauty, follow these instructions:
1) open the first link and then the second 2) just listen

I'm hoping to get to the gym today. work was cancelled, so I have time.

ps
if anyone has a tumblr, please follow me so I can follow you back: visitinghere.tumblr.com

i need this again

walking home from work, i was thinking that maybe i'd be happy just staying this weight for a while. maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just be 143 until i find some real motivation. no reason to beat myself up.

but then i passed a reflective window and decided against giving up. i need to be thinner.

work outs start in the morning, ladies.

my dad's been pressuring me to find a job over break, even though i know it's not gonna happen. i'll probs just babysit or something and call it a day. so i'm gonna make working out my full time job, and devote my love of food to smoothies and low-cal soups. good plan? i think so.

i know i'll be so much happier avoiding the christmas cookies than eating them, so why waste the calories?

break-up

I broke up with prep today. It took 45 minutes of boring conversation to work up to actually saying it, but when I did it was just as terrible as I had imagined.

I know it was me that broke it off, but it still hurts really bad. He didn't even bother asking if we could try and work it out. He didn't want to give it any effort at all. Part of me wonders if perhaps it was because once my initial charm wore off he realized how ugly I am and how painfully sad I can be sometimes. I hate break-ups.

In typical break-up fashion I ate an entire pint of fro yo. I feel like such a pathetic fat ass.

to the anon (A?D?): I write this blog because the people here actually read what I write and then write back to me and make me feel like they care. I care about them and it's nice to be acknowledged in my life for a change. If I had friends in real life that I could trust to not just disappear, then maybe I wouldn't write here. But I have grown to love the girls here, and consider them to be true and loyal friends- even if what we encourage in each other isn't exactly healthy.

secretly

twice in one day I was tempted to blow my cover and scream that I struggle with disordered eating. sometimes it's so frustrating to live in secret.

in my class we were talking about blogging and some kid was talking about how he had almost 500 pageviews since he started his blog this summer. I rolled my eyes and was tempted to mention my nearly 7,000 since January. he probably doesn't have any followers. (I love you guys, by the way. have I told you I love you lately? because I do.)

then my roommates were talking about girls with eating disorders. the one was talking about her friend who did some extreme diet and then snapped out of it. "I know sometimes its a disorder, but sometimes they're just being stupid," she said. I wanted to scream that some people are "being stupid" because every part of their brain is absorbed by self loathing and obsessive calorie counting.

i wish i were thin for a lot of reasons. and i'll add this to the list: so people would take my internal sufferings seriously and not push it off as just another girl with poor self-esteem.

from the confessions about eating disorders tumblr page:
33270) No one believes you unless you never ever eat, are severely underweight, and have your problems coming out of your ears for them to see. You know, sometimes the least likely people are the most mentally ill.

bigger things

first solid restricting day in a long while. I'm just genuinely not hungry, which is a nice change.

breakfast: 1/2 a pear (40)
lunch: small salad with chicken and no dressing (130)
dinner: fruit salad and skim milk (150)
snack: mixed nut bar (160)
total: 480

best day in a very long time. well. food-wise anyway.

I had to go home today. it was a long tiring car ride and I cried for much of it. I really don't want to be back at school. it's work, number one. and as you guys know, I am super lazy. number two, I love being home. number three, being in my dorm room makes me sad. number four, it reminds me how much I don't know about where I'm going in life.
I just wanna sleep forever and ever. oh, no. I can't cry again. I've done that too much already today.

at all

my posts have been fewer in numbers lately. I haven't been dieting so I haven't been blogging, either.

I don't think I wanna live like this anymore. it's been nearly a year since I began this blog (it was originally a new years resolution) and I haven't made any progress. yes, I lost 20 pounds this year. but I gained it all back. I weighed myself at my grandmother's house today, which is the where I weighed myself last year when I decided I needed to take more drastic weight loss measures. and guess how much? 147. yes. I gained 17 pounds since the beginning of October.

Then I decided not to eat much for Thanksgiving dinner. I had probably about a third of what I would have eaten if I hadn't weighed myself just before. Then I drank another glass of wine instead of dessert. I'm proud to have eaten less than 800 calories on Thanksgiving day. But that doesn't make up for the bottomless binges I've been having for almost a month. I'm so depressed, and all I want to do is eat.

But I don't wanna live like that anymore. I wanna be thin so they'll notice me. I wanna be thin so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I wanna be thin so I can be happy.

problem is, I can't do anything right at all.

a little bit useful

conversations with high people get you nowhere. I don't know why I even bother. all my friends are high and planning on going to the movies. I kinda wanted to go with but then they wanted to get food. I already ate too much today so I'm staying home. isn't that awful?

I filled out the application for my summer missions project. they asked if you had struggled with an eating disorder in the past 6 months. I answered no, but not in good conscience. I'm not normal, but I don't think I qualify as disordered. I don't know, actually. however I answered the question I knew I'd feel like I was lying to a priest.

I went apartment hunting with some boys from my floor who got kicked out of housing. We went all over Boston and never found a good place. But at this point they've gotta be willing to settle for good enough, amazing just isn't gonna happen.

The one guy said he was really glad I came along. "we'd have been so depressed if you weren't here to point out all the good things." I'm glad I can be a light in someone's life at least.

positive thinking

I think you were right, Judith Marie. I just need to get going. Nothing was ever solved by moping about it.(although at times moping feels like the only option.)

Only a few days until my thanksgiving break! I absolutely cannot wait to spend a few days with my family. I miss home so much and it'll be nice to be back home where I belong.

`

keep going like this

I feel like such shit. I've been sad for... I can't even count the days. I was doing so well being happy, too.

my weight is 143. meaning I've gained 10 pounds since I got here. I am such a failure. (and don't say everyone gains weight in college. I promised myself I'd lose weight. I'm not everybody.)

it's not just my looks. life is just really hard right now. I'm bullshitting my assignments and skipping class and doing all the things I know I shouldn't. my mind is so full of terrible thoughts that I can't sleep at night.

I've been to the counseling center twice. One time I walked there, looked at the door and then walked home again. The second time I opened the door, but then chickened out again and just grabbed some condoms and left. so pathetic.

pink cheeks

i ate so much
like, the entire contents of the shelves in our suite.
i came home yesterday from a nice walk and was just like "hungry...." and ate everything.
i think my suite mates are mad cause i ate all the food. lol i think i'd be mad too.
and that was like all weekend, i ate waayy too much.
so much for fasting. that only worked for like a day and a half.
and then i went to the drug store an hour ago and got laxies and diet pills. I took 2 laxies and 3 diet pills.
tomorrow's plan:

go to class

go to the gym

shower

take diet pills

go to class

get academic advising appointment

do homework

do application for summer program

work

snack

diet pills

finish homework

watch tv/hangout

go to sleep

i hate this painful nonsensical secret cycle. i binge and starve, always terrified to purge. i think to myself how terrible it is that im alone and no one knows about this disorder. but i also think im not sick, that maybe i just validation for making myself feel so disgusting. what ever's been going on, it sucks. and im not thin enough to get mental help yet. i need people to understand.

i don't think i wanna grow up.

nothing makes sense.

sorry, i'm not getting any better

Just slept through another fucking class. I'm the world's fucking worst student ever. I hate that about myself. and I kinda just hate the whole of myself, too. I mean, my family worked so hard so I could go to college and then I just go and blow it. I'm pretty sure I'm failing two of my classes, and the other two aren't looking so hot. I suck. That's all there is to it.

so I decided that I'm gonna not eat for the rest of the day. I think a good water fast is in order. If I have any desire to eat, I'll just remind myself that I'm failing school and that I don't deserve to eat. This way, if I can keep it up, at least when I fail school I won't be fat, too.

Then I can go abroad this summer and not scare the people there with my roundness. I can possibly fit in, be one of the thin beautiful girls on my missions team. well, we can work on thin anyway.

oh, but then

I went to the gym

and I ate a picnic lunch

I finished my homework

I saw my boy, briefly

My room is clean

I wrote some bad (but good) poetry

I read an interesting book

I found some new music to love

and then I ruined everything




and by ruin I mean I binged hardcore. I kind of just want to curl up in a hole and sleep for a long, long time.

dreaming

I don't think I've ever been in love. I thought maybe I loved the last boy, the one who talked real sweet and kissed me sweeter. But I don't think I did.

See the thing is, I believe love is forever. And if I had loved him truly, it would have taken me longer to get over him. As in, I'd still be aching for him. But I'm not aching for him. I'm not aching for any boy. I'm aching for my family, I miss them dearly. I'm aching for my mother, who waits for me in the sleepy moments just before I'm awake. I'm aching for my friends, who are off creating lives just as complicated and exciting as the one I'm making for myself up here in the city.

When I find my love, I think I'll know. Not that I won't have doubts, but I'll understand why God made him an irreplaceable part of my story. I'll understand why this boy needs me and why I need him.

My mother had this dream about the house she bought with my father. It wasn't a large house, or an especially beautiful one. It was one that she worked hard to make into a home. She planted flowers and trees, she painted the walls, and picked out the perfect furniture She forged relationships with our neighbors, and was the type of woman that planned parties and clubs, things that disappeared with her. My mother was powerful and beautiful and she made her dreams happen.

One of the dreams my mother had for that house was that her children would take wedding photos on the steps in the front hall. That my prince would be standing at the foot of the stairs as I descended them in a cloud of white fabric. I got a glimpse of this at the start of the summer. On the evening of my graduation, I walked down the stairs in my white crinoline dress. My hair was lightly curled and my make-up was perfect. As I came down, my boyfriend looked up and opened his mouth in surprise. "You look... beautiful," he said, in that wonderfully astonished way that makes you glow from the inside out.

That moment was lovely and I can't wait for it to happen again- for real this time. The man will love me fully, and I will love him, too. I don't think I've ever been in love. But I will be one day soon, and then I can start picturing the moment he sees me carefully descending the stairs in my mother's dream house.

slowly

besides the obvious mile stones, I haven't changed since last year. read this post from Nov. 4 2010. my mindset is basically the same, and I'm still bad at poetry :P

thanks for the comments on the video. you are all so nice to take the time to listen and respond. I only wish I had better news to report back to you.

I went to Charlestown last night with my boyfriend. And then we watched the town, in order to freak us out even more than we were. Charlestown is tons nicer than they make it look in the movie. Or maybe I was in the wrong part. whatever the case, I had fun scaring myself and talking to prep.

I did great on intake yesterday- about 500 and I ran for 30 minutes. It was a good way to jump start the weekend. Today I've had yogurt and toast so far. And I'm proud of myself. I want to get back to being strong enough to water fast for 3 days. that's the goal right now- 72 hours. I've made it 62 before and I literally cried when I ate because I wanted to keep going. But I was getting close to the fainting stage and I was way too scared to carry on. But this time I will do it, I'll just sleep the last 10 hours of the fast or something. Not sure when I want to start it, but hopefully before Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Enjoy the sunshine!

pausing

good clichés

It was a costume party, and I was dressed as Claire from the Breakfast Club. I'm told I look like her anyway (thanks, to anyone who thinks so. she's so pretty). My costume wasn't so slutty, but I was a rarity. Most girls were dressed in next to nothing and the guys were too.

Originally we were off to Cambridge, but that got cancelled. After a few confused conversations and a lot of slipping around in the October snow storm, we ended up at a BU frat party. It was classic- a required number of girls to guys to get in, sticky floors, loud music, black lights in the basement, keg stands and jell-o shots.

I had two jell-o shots and one cup of beer. I didn't drink too much and I didn't dance with inappropriate guys. Some guy grabbed my ass, but I'll never know who it was because it was so dark in there and by the time I had enough space to turn my head, he was gone.

The other girls from my college left pretty early but I stayed to get lost in the madness. I figured if I made the effort to get there, why not stay? And I think it was worth it. I can cross BU off my list. Now I need to get working on Harvard ;)

We missed the t, and by the time we hailed a taxi (which took almost an hour) my hair was frozen and I couldn't feel my fingers and toes.

I ended up asleep around 3:15 and I still got up to go to church this morning. I went with prep, and I told him about my night (leaving out a few key details, though). He laughed and didn't seem all that surprised. I wonder what he thinks of all that, or if he thinks anything at all about it.

I hope today is productive and pleasant. And that this week is one of cheer and good clichés.

the rest should be unwritten.

I sorta just want to go off the deep end and party till I get sick and just have sex with everyone. Get skinny and get wasted. But I also wanna get healthy and balanced and do the right thing. God's calling me to stay straight and go to Africa and save the world. But Satan's calling me to just let go and let sadness and fake energy take me. It's a lot harder a choice than I make it sound here, but both ends have their merits. 

a haiku I wrote about my college sex situation situation:

my life is changing

there's condoms in my sock drawer

don't know how I feel

back to me

Last night I blew off plans to hang out with friends so I could stay home, watch movies, and knit. It was the best decision I've made in a while. I made myself some popcorn and sat on the couch, watching a movie on my laptop and knit an ugly scarf I've been working on for years.

I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 11 this morning. I slept for 14 hours.. haha I must have really needed it. I dreamed about dresses and going shopping, which is something I've been doing a lot more lately. I love shopping. I love buying new clothes, I love wearing them. I love imagining the person I could be if I only had those pants. And in this weight-maintaining phase, I can be sure that a size 6 will fit me for a while longer.

However, I am worried about money. I've spent a lot more than I've made in the past two months, and it's worrying me. of course, living in the city is expensive, but I think I need to make some cuts. plus I need to make better use of my meal plan. I have waayyy too much money left on my card for this time of year. I'm almost half way through it but we're well pas the half way mark on the semester. so the question we need to ask is this- how am i not losing weight if I've been under spending? did I really screw up my metabolism that much this year that I can't eat like a normal person without gaining?

This morning/afternoon I wrote some of my essay and went to the gym. I know, shocking. I burned around 300 calories, I think. So not great, but loads better than I've been doing lately. Bad thing is, the gym inspires me  not to eat. not like, eat healthy, but just stop eating all together. And I know that makes me lose weight, but I gain it back in like a week.

Now I'm listening to music from someone else's itunes library. it's great, I have access to like 50 people's music, and no body minds. I'm attempting to do homework and decide where I should go tonight, but I can't choose. thai food for my friend's roommate's birthday or an unknown party in cambridge? hmm. if it's a question of calories then the party wins (I don't count alcohol calories since I don't drink very often) but if it's a question of loyalty and comfort then I should go to the thai food thing. I just don't know.

Prep's been texting me in that nice, boyfriend-ish way. I forgot how much I missed that. I like having him, I just hope I don't screw it up.

don't read this, brother dear

we were just watching the premature snowflakes. for goodness sake, it's only october. and then he kissed me, full on the mouth like he meant it. suddenly we were kissing, open mouth with our hands wandering unfamiliar territory.
oh gosh. i'm still very fat, aren't i?
his hands ran through my hair and held me so close. his hands, his hands.
i wish i hadn't drank that milk.
he stopped and looked at me and told me i was beautiful. i blinked and said nothing. and then we were kissing again.
why did he say that?
at one point my roommate walked in. she grabbed her keys and quickly left. I felt bad, but I'd have done the same for her, not that she's getting any. prep and I looked at each other and laughed. "isn't it fun being a teenager?" I asked. he murmured that it wouldn't last, we'll grow up someday. i don't think he gets that that's exactly my point.
i wish i liked him more than i do.
he looked out the window and remarked that the people across the way could see into my window. we should move for privacy's sake, he said. i said i didn't care.
maybe i'm too reckless.
then the lights were off and so was my button-down flannel shirt. then i lost my tank top and he lost his polo. his fingers fumbled on the clasp of my bra, so i un-did it myself. i was so aware of his muscles and my flab. his beauty and my averageness.
why does he even like me at all?
when we were back to just watching the snow again, his arms around me, we talked. about relationships and what we've been through. he's a virgin. i'm not. he said it was okay, that it didn't bother him. i'm not sure i believe him.
am i okay with it?
he put his shirt back on, saying he was going to leave. i put on the flannel shirt but didn't button it. he said i was the sexiest thing ever. i smiled and blushed, but said nothing.
some boys are either blind or good liars.
he didn't leave for another hour, and we kissed and talked some more. when he left i put on pajamas and went to sleep, feeling just as happy as i did insecure.

the truth is

i've been:
eating far too much- I had almost 1700 calories yesterday. and it's like that's the new norm. I think I need to restrict again. no. I know I need to restrict again. but I'm too emotionally weak to not eat. (that's not an excuse... I'm just a failure)
exercising far too little- I haven't been to the gym in the month of October. yeah. I suck. I have run outside quite a bit, but I need to do it with regularity. no one looks good without hard work, and I haven't been putting in proper effort.
flirting with too many boys- people think I'm going out with 3 different boys. that's how disgustingly flirty I've been. I'm addicted to feeling beautiful, even if it's fake.
avoiding the one who actually likes me- prep is so nice. and he really like me, which I don't understand at all. he's so perfect but he's ruining his image by putting his arm around my fat shoulders. I want to yell at him to go find someone beautiful, but I'm much too selfish for that.
lying to everyone- my family, my friends, it needs to stop. I want them to respect me, so I don't tell them the truth about where I go and what I do and what I eat.
(including myself) -telling myself it's going to be okay when it obviously won't be. telling myself I'm beautiful when I'm not. you get the idea.
making too many plans- I have so much stuff going on. work, school, the paper, friends, dates, church, family. blah blah blah. I'm busy. but I also have so many things I want to do!
procrastinating too much- yeah. I need to stop doing that.
ignoring what's most important to me- I need to start reading the word more and praying more often. my relationship with God is the most important part of my life, but I keep letting other things get ahead on the list. I need to prioritize.
failing all my school work- I don't get it. I work hard and get terrible grades. why is everyone else so much smarter than me?


see why I'm worthy of so much hate?

hello hurricane

today was a good day. or at least it was food-wise. I had some cereal for breakfast and a hummus and chicken wrap for dinner with milk. and that's it. good day.

funny thing is, I'm planning on binging. I'm gonna go have some cookies in the common room and then gorge on goldfish and hot apple cider with my friends. yeah. I know I'm terrible at this. I'm just sort of accepting my defeat and making it a part of me. I sound pathetic and defeatist, but what else is new?

I've taken to digging my finger nails into my skin until I bleed. it's great, I can feel the pain anytime I think I need to. no one notices that you're gripping your arm so tight that your knuckles are turning white and and your arm is bleeding. I never thought I'd be the type to self harm. but it's the only way to distract myself from the ocean of thoughts that's drowning me.

i need a little something

all I need is a bitter song, to make me better. much better.


I was feeling happy today. I even ate a normal day's worth of food. no binging, no restricting. and then it stopped working. the hot air holding me up turned cold.

i think i need help

english breakfast, spanish brownstone

I'm beginning to think that journalism isn't going to work out for me. I'm really just not good enough. I know that sounds like just a cop out, and that I should give it more of a shot. (and I'm going to give it more of a shot) it's just that in this moment it feels completely hopeless.

I finally found a real friend. James, or as he likes to be called, J ("it's just one letter, simple and clean") is a funny quirky guy who seems to enjoy my company for one reason or another. And I'm glad, because he's really cool. He's the one I stayed up with all night on friday night with. we just got back from breakfast together.

thanks for the nice, if a bit angry sounding, comments on the last post. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, not limited to what I talk about here. I'm not strong enough to deal with it all, so I'm falling apart.
this guy from my christian fellowship group told me God uses our low points to reveal himself to us. but why do I keep coming back to this low? why am I always here? It feels like I'm just bouncing along the rock bottom.

I ate yesterday. And I already ate almost 800 calories today. But I figure it'll just have to be one of those where I eat more in the morning and not much at night. or at least I can hope.

I, made of glass

I sobbed so hard and he prayed and I listened. He told me I need to be confident in where the Lord is taking me. He told me I need to find my self worth.
what worth? I'm not worth anything.


I ate some spaghetti and lemonade. And a whole lot of cookies when I felt like I was going to just die. die of what, I don't know. But at that point I had been awake for 42 hours. Can you die of dizzy sleep deprivation? probably.

I went to a costume party dressed as winter. mostly it was a chance for a girl down the hall to play barbie on a real human being.

I like the curly hair and make-up. but make-up doesn't make you beautiful, it makes you look like a polished version of what ever's underneath. and you can't polish shit, as they say.

I don't want to fall apart anymore.

sunrise

Last night... where do I even begin?

(let's start at the very beginning, that's a very good place to start...)


I went to dinner with prep before this church thing that we do on Friday nights. I ate a salad and some white rice. I also had some milk.
We went to the church thing, and I had an average time.
After, a group of us got tea. Prep came along and told me I was beautiful despite the rain. I'm glad he's so deranged in a nice way. who in their right mind would call me beautiful?
Prep had to go finish his work before his job on Saturday morning. I went to hang with some girls. We had a nice time goofing off.
We went as a group to a "pep rally" of sorts. (the quotation marks are necessary because my school barely has sports, it's kinda a joke) and met up with some guys we know.
Most of the girls went home except me and one other. the boys, plus one who I begged to come with us named J walked down to the river. I fooled one of them into thinking I'm a musical theater major.
We came home and I went up to the common room, where I hung out with more people.
Then I stumbled into this guy's Steve's suite, I was tired and so sad but hiding it behind some giggles and energy. I just couldn't go back and sleep, I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. Steve and I talked for a little before J came out of his room asking about the noise. I forgot he lived there also.
Soon Steve left and it was just me and J talking. We talked for a long time, he's a funny guy. Very suave, but not in the traditional sense of the word. Around 5 am I was laying against his chest and he put his arm around me. He asked what impression I had of this night and I said it was nice. And he said that other people might think we were a little more than friends by how we were snuggling like that.
I tried to set it straight, I really wasn't interested in him like that. We kept talking, but things were a little strained, not as easy as before.
Then he asks if I'd like to go for a walk. So I go with him, and we watch the sunrise over the harbor.
Talking about all the things that really matter most, like life and love and happiness and then the Holy Ghost.
After the sun was a few centimeters from the horizon, we walked back home and got some Starbucks. We sat and talked more, sweet and easy like old friends.
Finally, at 10 am, we said goodnight and went back to go to sleep.

I have a costume party tonight. I'm going as queen frostine and some girl down the hall is doing my make up. I'm excited.
what was last night? none of it makes much sense. I don't know if J and I are friends, or just two people who shared an evening.

i want

bingebingebinge. clear girl, you spoke too soon.

I had fried chicken and ice cream yesterday. the madness needs to stop.

I wanted to get up early to go to the gym today, but that didn't happen. I kinda suck :P

Tonight I have a date with prep. we're going to see a movie, but I don't know which one. I really like him, and he like me (why he likes me is a good question, but not one I'm about to ask)

I want to live for God. I want to make a difference. I want to be somebody.

but I'm not brave enough

pretty enough

strong enough

focused enough

I want to be enough to accomplish all my dreams and visions. I need some self control.

I don't care if it hurts

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

99%

gosh I'm sore.

yesterday

intake- 1,183

burned- 590

net- 593

today

intake- 1,299

burned- 129

net- 1,170

i've been doing so much these past few days. I can hardly believe my own activity level. it's crazy.

parades
church
parties
protests
interviews
date
homework
arguments
leadership

what?

i'm getting involved in Occupy Boston. we are unstoppable another world is possible!

to get information: http://occupyboston.com/

10k

I weigh 140 pound as of this morning. Not sure how I managed to gain 7 pounds in a week. That must be some kind of record.

So in my depression I decided to go running. I was running/walking around the commons and the publick gardens for around an hour when I saw that a local university was putting on a women's 10k. Since I wasn't signed up I thought oh perfect, I'll just join them then. I ran/walked (let's be honest, mostly walked) the 10k in just under a 100 minutes. I'm pretty proud of myself. that's 2 hours and 40 minutes of exercise today and no intake.

Impromptu 10k's are normally not my thing, but I'm so happy that I did it. I feel rather accomplished. yeah, I'm still not happy, but I at least did something today.

I linked my Lose It! account online, so if anyone uses that, look me up. my account name is pauley.jackie. or I think it is. anyway. look me up, I'd really appreciate some friends.

small print

i feel so bad about myself but i'd never want to admit that because i hate feeling pathetic more than anything else and i don't know what i did wrong or why none of my new friends seem to want to know the real me or how i'm actually doing they just prefer me to laugh and be crazy and happy but the minute i'm not they walk away, i want to know them so what's so bad about me?

I didn't fast. who was I kidding? I absolutely suck, so how could I expect to be good at anything? And no one wants to party with a fat girl, so why do I even bother making plans to go out to MIT tonight? I'll just shut down anyway.
Fake it til you make it. (or until it hurts so much you stop trying)

11 hours in

My midterm went really well yesterday. or at least I hope it did. I knew the answers to most of the questions, but I forgot one of the author's names. oops.

I then went to work and helped a man in his thirties with borrowing while subtracting large numbers. It was our first tutoring session, but we'll be doing it twice a week from now on. When he first saw me, he asked the supervisor why I was so young. no one answered his question. It's a really odd situation, being a teenage college student tutoring an adult for his GED. It pits two traditional hierarchies of respect against each other. how do we treat each other when he is older than me, but I am in the position of power as the teacher? He's really eager to learn which is awesome, but I'm not a very good tutor. Plus, he needs a serious shower.

After that, I went to do an assignment for my journalism class. We had to cover a meeting, press conference, or event. I went to a block party for an up-and-coming area in the city for young business professionals. It was all over-25's drinking beer and talking. They were fine with answering my questions, but I got so flustered. I didn't know who to ask what question and I couldn't come up with a good string of questions, either. I must have looked so pathetic and out of place. After only 20 minutes at the party I left in tears.

I just felt like such a failure, and I felt woefully out of place. I can't be a journalist, I just can't. I'm no good at interviews and I have crap confidence. I need to find a better profession. Something that doesn't require courage.

I then walked back to my college in the cold, feeling terrible at myself. All the nervous happy energy from the kiss was gone and all I wanted to do was disappear. I popped into the convenience store and bought a 150 calorie ice cream, a box of cheerios and some peanut butter. Then I threw the fast out the window and gorged myself. I cried and ate and wallowed in self-pity. it was a lovely sight, I assure you.

After that I went out with a group of friends and had some hot apple cider. I just didn't care. not in the least bit. I laughed loud and talked with a swagger of confidence. Something came up about prep and I told the story. some girl even complimented me, "you're so confident. how do you do it?" I replied, "good acting."

I think I need to get therapy. This mood swing business is really not good for me. Plus, I need to quit binging like I did last night.

As a punishment for this past week of awful eating, I am fasting. I also really want to beat my record of 62 hours. I'm going for 72. which means I can eat again at 11 pm on sunday night. But I think I'll just stick it out til monday morning. we'll see. Another reason- I gained weight this week. like, a lot. I am surprised that it could happen so quickly. I'm like 137, which is absolutely crazy.

I need to be 118 by Christmas. How the hell am I going to do that if I keep fucking up like this?

I'm trying really hard to focus but...

he kissed me.

I've decided to go to Africa this summer.

he kissed me.

I had breakfast (tea) with prep this morning.

he kissed me.

I have a midterm in two hours.

he kissed me.

I'm fasting until 2pm tomorrow. (30 hours)

he kissed me.

I'm trying really hard to focus.

doubtful hearts

I had a lovely night with prep. he is a really nice guy. I just don't understand what he sees in me.

I wish I could ask without sounding 

like I'm fishing for compliments. 

or like I have zero self esteem. 

oh wait, that last one is true.

anyway

I'm doing a terrible job of losing weight. I'm maintaining 131. oh joy. I think I need another fast to kick start me again. Or I need to just follow the lovely diet I have laid out. that would work if I had an ounce of self control, I'm sure.

the gym misses me. I just need to find some time.

Home and Away

I had such a good time on the fall retreat. I love being with that group of people.
also- remember boat cruise guy? the one I was obsessing over? I'm over him. completely.
but! I found a new guy to obsess over. We can can call him prep, because he went to prep school. yeah. he even rows crew and live in New Hampshire. I love that. it's so cool. We went swimming at midnight in the freezing lake together and then later when we were sitting together around the fire to get warm he put his arm around me. everyone noticed and was asking me questions, but I didn't know what happened anymore than they did.
girls who I hang out with ask me how do you get all these guys? and I just laugh and say oh, just being my charming self. honestly, I think I just try harder. but I think what they mean to ask with that question is how do you, of all people, manage to flirt with cute boys? you're so ugly and fat and uninteresting.


and look at this lovely middle school-style note I received:

I think it was prep that wrote it. but I also feel like it was a joke by someone. just to see how I would react. or to make me feel better about myself since they knew I'd never have a real secret admirer. I don't know.

I saw pictures from the trip and I look absolutely horrendous. I need to lose some serious weight! I'm doing Giovanni's which is on my "Where I'm Going" page at the top. today is 300, not counting fruit. I had an apple so far.

my suite mate left. She went back to Maine. it really stinks because she was the one who I got along with best. she is so cool and she had bulimia in high school so she understands what I'm going through. she'd ask me how I was doing and actually get it. and she and I were the only ones who'd had a serious relationship before in my suite so she would talk to me about that a lot. it was just a nice friendship. I'm gonna miss her so much.

plus, I'm worried about what's gonna happen to her. She's in a bad relationship and she's not going to school. I'm so fearful for her future. But I know God has a plan for her life, and He will find a way to touch her heart through all this. I just wish there didn't have to be this period of pain in between now and then.

I think I'm gonna go eat something low cal in the dining hall. the whole starve binge thing WILL NOT HAPPEN this week. I'm gonna restrict in a logical way. and everything will be perfect. here we go. 

checking in

I ate 835 calories today and it's only 12:30. wow. I'm reallyy great at this, huh?

I have to pack for my weekend in New Hampshire, but I want to go to the gym. hmmm. diet or responsibilities? maybe I'll just go on the treadmill for 20 minutes.

Having a fat day. and I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm not.

pretty words

did any of y'all watch the video anonymous posted to my blog? it's the most wonderful thing I've heard in a really long time. it's in a comment on the last post, but I'll link to it here as well.

I wish I were strong enough to believe in what that video had to say. I wish I had enough faith and trust to let go of this and just live for God. If I were brave enough to die to myself and live for Him, none of this would be a fucking problem. but bravery has never been my strong suit.

so, despite the video...
I'm feeling rather fat today. So I only ate some granola. I think that'll be it until tomorrow.
I need to go to the gym tonight and get all my work done. oh boy.

big day

so much for SGD. I suck. I had a solid normal person day today. I ate like a balanced person who eats regular meals and doesn't think too much about the calories. and I didn't work out. I barely did my homework. I just watched TV and read the Bible.
fuck normal. I want to be thin. so why can't i just do it and stop whining?

Oh how I want to be beautiful!

Oh Dear

I've just got back from a meeting for the school paper. I didn't get an assignment again :( no body even knows my name. I wish I were a daring reporter with guts and great writing skills, but I'm not. I'm too scared to try but I know I'll never learn if I don't. I don't want to give up on journalism yet.

Before that I was at my first day of my new job. I'm a math tutor so I spent two hours going over and over mean, median, mode, and range with a guy who spoke Creole and only spotty English. I was expecting it to be difficult, so I can't say it was harder than I thought. But it really was hard. I need to gain some confidence.

California and I have been talking a lot over facebook. Not ideal, but at least he's talking to me. And I'm excited that I get to see him at the retreat all weekend. He's so freaking cute, and he likes me quite obviously, which rocks. I just wish I looked better in a bathing suit :P

So I've come to a decision (which I'll likely change, so I guess I'm not really saying much of anything). I am going to work out and diet until I hit 118 however unhealthy I want to. I'll starve and over exercise and binge to my heart's content. Then I'm gonna go tell somebody that I need help, seek a nutritionist or something and then get down to 108 the healthy way. this way I figure I can keep the weight off. But I just wanna get down to 118 by Christmas so bad that I'm willing to be a little unhealthy to get there.
I know what you're all thinking 118 by christmas? how slow is she? I know I know I know. I'm slow. but I kinda suck at losing weight. I'll add that to the list of failures.

I'm struggling again. binge yesterday, and today (sort of)
yesterday I ate everything at once, completely possessed by my love of food. today it was a slow, painful consumption. I need to go back to my good old friend SGD. and I want to do it perfect.

plan:
become besties with the salad bar again. oh joy.
do more at the gym than just 70 minutes on the elliptical. I need variety!
drink more water
eat at intervals (which is not an excuse for snacking)
buy fruit/ smoothies NOT more granola

stupid, huh?

I'm so undecided. I fast all day one day and then swear I'll never do it again but end up fasting. I either eat junk with my friends or eat healthy (sorta) alone or (most often lately) I eat nothing at all. none of these options are really good for me, but I can't figure out how to eat right and not be miserable.

I have a birthday party tonight and already had granola for breakfast. I want help, but I want to get down to 118 before I ask for it. lol, that sounds stupid, huh?

last night

I ate a lot last night. and I was so happy because California (boat cruise guy) was there and we get along so well. He's such a sweet heart and I know he'd be good for me.

He played me some songs on his guitar. he has this amazing voice and he plays really well, too. all the while I was thinking, "who wrote this?" and "I wonder how much he sounds like the singer.." but then it turns out that he writes his own music. so he's basically a perfect human being. and for some reason he's interested in me. I just hope I don't disappoint. 

I got home and did homework after a night feeling almost pretty and giggly and having such a crush. And then my roommates were talking about their problem areas, and I looked in the mirror and all my good attributes were gone. poof. all I could see was one big problem area. Then my one roommate, Emma, told us she used to be bulimic. I asked her how she got over it and we ended up talking about her eating disorder and my whatever I have until 4:30 in the morning.

and then we both slept through the class we have together this morning (lol)

Her knowing scares me. but I also feel like it's a good thing. I don't know. I ate cereal this morning and I'm heading to the gym in half an hour. I weigh 131 again, so up a pound. but really, things could be so much worse.

flirting at the art museum

another vlog!

I'm in a better mood today. sorry about the past few days.

I'll tell you how the evening went tomorrow
have a nice thursday, my loves!

confusion

I promised myself last night when I wanted to eat so bad that I would eat an apple at 8 am. But now it's 10 am and I still haven't eaten anything. I just feel like eating would waste all this effort. I don't know. is this wrong or not?
anonymous, if I know you in real life, I'm sorry. You shouldn't be reading this, though.

I decided that as extra motivation I will rent The Notebook if I manage to make it to tomorrow morning without breaking this fast. but that shouldn't be all that hard as the thought of chewing food makes me feel like a complete failure. But then again, I'm afraid of the damage of not eating, too. Like muscle loss and the possible binge that will follow. I just don't know.

**EDIT

I ate at noon. I had a slice of the banana bread my father sent me. I literally cried in the kitchen as I tried to decide if I wanted to eat it. and then I thought about how much I love my dad and I ate it.
then I went to class and tried to focus.
when I got back from class I ate goldfish (bad) and gummy bears (very bad)
then I went shopping on Newbury Street for the first time and shopped in my shell-shocked grief. 62 hours? am I crazy? or am I weak?
then I had a grilled cheese and frozen yogurt with a friend I met up with. It was really good.
Even though my stomach is stretched from all this eating, I feel so emotionally empty. I feel like I wasted so much time worrying about food and so much willpower by eating it. but I also feel like a crazy dumbass. I can't decide how I feel at all.

I have a million things to do tonight. and a million things to do tomorrow as well. I have 2 classes, my first day of work, and I'm meeting California for dinner. (obvi I'm most excited for seeing California. He's playing me a song <3 ) but yet here I am, unable to focus on anything but my weight and how much I eat/ exercise. I'm an absolute mess.

thanks for the concern, Clear Girl. But I've always had this ana mentality. she would have found me one way or another.

131, hallelujah

It's bewilderingly easy to skip meals at college. Living independently means I can can eat nothing all day, and nobody will suspect a thing. there is no reason for someone not to believe you when you say you just ate with other people. I kind of wish there was someone to look out for me, and tell me I need to eat something. I wish someone was paying attention.

but then again, if I were being watched like before (not in a conscious way, but my family eats dinner together so it's noticed if you don't touch your food) I'd never have gotten through yesterday without eating. Or friday, or saturday for that matter. and then I wouldn't have been 131 this morning. i was 131 lbs this morning! it's sad that my weight has been almost exactly the same for months, but this is the first big change I've seen in a longgg time. I guess my on/off dieting was at least good for keeping me from gaining.

Sofia and I are fasting today. She's starting the ABC again, too, so wish her luck. I want to fast until I see 129 on my scale. I just hope that happens by tomorrow morning. I plan to break fast with an apple and then do a liquid fast until friday. I heard that breaking fast with a solid food is good for you in some way, but I forget why.

besides weight loss, this fast is also saving me money on my college meal plan. I was basically burning money on food, and since thursday I've only spent 12 dollars.

I'm meeting the guy I met on the boat cruise on last saturday for a dance on thursday night. I knew that on Sunday, but then he texted me to ask if I wanted to hang out before the dance, too. I really like him, and it seems he likes me too. I'll call him California Now he's an added inspiration to be skinny. I'll make it a mantra in my head: 118 by Christmas

internal conflict

I ate a lot yesterday:
smoothie (300)+ 2 fiber bars +(240) apple +(90) pasta +(400) milk +(110) crackers +(200)
=1,340
and I only burned what I walked off, which wasn't all that much.

It was so weird not to enjoy what I ate and simultaneously feel the guilt like usual. Instead, I felt enormously hungry all day and tried to choose foods that would fill me up for less calories. I didn't enjoy them, I only felt fat. does that make me disordered? I swore I'd never go to that place of no return, I swore I'd never go ana.
"I'm pro-ana, but I don't have a problem..."


I haven't eaten yet today and I don't plan on eating the rest of today. And if I do it will only be an apple.

but is that wrong?

The past few weeks, through all this awful confusion, I've fallen back in love with my Jesus. I love Him so much, I just want to be filled with His light. But that makes me question if hurting myself in this way is really what I want to be doing. Isn't wanting to be thin just another idol? but even if I wanted to give up trying to be thin, I'm not sure I could. My own self hatred and destruction is so ingrained, I can't just remove a part of myself.
this is so difficult!!

boat cruise

I just got back from church. I decided to end my fast early and get a mango smoothie after I got back to my college. I was shaking this morning in the shower and my heartbeat felt irregular. When the guy sitting next to me at church (more on him later) noticed my hands shaking I decided it was time to give it up. I'm not doing this to kill myself or pass out with a bunch of people staring. I'm doing this so I'm the type of girl who other people want to be. So I can not worry if a dress makes me look fat and so I can wear a bikini and feel no shame.
I was 133 this morning. but that will go up a lot after breaking my fast. I need to find a way to lose weight without putting it back on in a matter of hours.

This morning I met up for church with a guy from a technology school across town. He's studying mechanical engineering and I'm studying journalism. go figure. Anyway, we met on the boat cruise last night and really hit it off. He's a super nice guy and we have tons in common. And I'm pretty sure he likes me as much as I like him, which is completely wonderful. the only tiny issue is that he's 6'4. yeah... and I'm 5'2 so he's over a foot taller than me. That might make the logistics of kissing a little more difficult.. (lol I'm such a weirdo)

Oh I hope I get to kiss him!

He plays guitar and he's a great singer. And he's a lacrosse player who isn't a jerk. Plus, when we were talking last night he randomly interrupted me with "you've got really pretty eyes. I can't figure them out but they're beautiful." Oh my freaking gosh I am so happy about this one. We have plans for later today and a dance on Thursday night. yayy for pretty boys that make us happy :)

weekend warrior

I've actually been making friends lately, which surprises me. But I have been missing all my meetings and I missed another class. So that really stinks. I just can't remember anything! I have to work on that. apparently, writing things down isn't enough for my puny brain anymore.

Yesterday I ate some pretzels when I woke up and some peanuts and rice cakes later on at around noon for lunch. then I felt awful about it and went to the gym I did an hour on the elliptical on a higher resistance than usual. I looked disgusting by the end of it! But at least I burned 560 calories according to the machine. that put me at negative so i didn't eat anything the rest of the day. I had a cup of black tea at around 11 pm, but I don't think that really counts. I'm gonna try to fast until Monday morning. wish me luck!

Tonight I'm going on a harbour cruise around Boston. It's a dance, too so I'm really excited. I love dancing! I just have to find an outfit that makes me look slim but still shows a little skin. that'll be tough..

yesterday was...

crazy. in a word.

I went to class like usual and sat with this guy named Sam. he's British but has been living in the US since he was like 12. We hung out in the library for like 2 hours and had a nice time. we didn't get much work done, but it was good. I felt like I was finally making a friend.
Then I found out a kid from my high school died after a five year battle with cancer. it's so incredibly sad. I spent like 3 hours crying and just missing home so much. I wanted to go back so badly. But then I went to dinner with some girl friends, and guess who showed up? Sam.
So then I ended up hanging out with him for the rest of the night. and through the whole weird turn of events we ended up walking to 7-11 at 1:30 in the morning. We were talking and then he started talking about how he's been thinking about me all day and how he really likes me. yeah. I know. at that point I'd only known him for like 12 hours. It was so freaky. I told him we'd be friends and then he was freaking out that he screwed up. I told him he didn't but he did. big time. poor kid.

the good thing is, all that distracted me from the awful stuff that's going on at home. I can't believe he's gone. it's just so sad.
I miss home. but at least I haven't eaten today.

it's tuesday

I haven't eaten a "meal" in three days now. I've been eating, but no full meals. which is good for calorie count but bad for structuring my day. I need to find a schedule that works for me as right now I keep missing appointments and events.

I've mostly been eating these fiber bars and rice cakes. I love rice cakes. and I got some peanuts for protein. I know peanuts have a lot of fat in them, but it's good fat. as long as you keep the quantity low, eating peanuts can be really good for losing weight without losing muscle. as for building muscle, I've been doing push-ups and planks before bed and doing a lot more cardio than I ever did at home. I think it'll be an improvement.

thanks for the nice comments on yesterday's post. I was having a really bad day after the shopping-induced kick in the stomach to my self-esteem.

Now I have a skype date with my ex-boyfriend (who I'm still in love with...) and I look a little gross. hopefully he doesn't mind.

true story

Okay, so I was really hungry after my 8 am class, so I thought, "hey, I 've been exercising a lot lately. why don't I go get a bagel?" I love bagels. they are my favorite. So I decided to walk 8 blocks down to the best bagel place I know, thinking that maybe the walking would at least counteract the cream cheese. But then I passed H&M and remembered I needed to get some nice pants for my new job. So I went in and tried some on. Guess what size I am? A fucking 8. yeah. I'm fat.
Obviously, that means the bagel is out of the question, so I just walked right on back to my dorm room to get ready for a class in half an hour. I'm not eating anymore. At least not when I can help it. I am wayyy too fat to eat. calories are a reward for being beautiful. And that's not something I've earned yet.

I just wanna be skinny...

EDIT:

today's intake: half slice of banana bread my dad sent me (90)

                       apple (80)

exercise: city walking for 2 hours (300) yeah... I just wandered

              elliptical (140)

busy but distracted

I had a dream that my mother came to visit me. I kept waking up in the morning because I was done sleeping and had had enough of it, but I kept going back to sleep so I could see her again. Each time was different, but each time we talked. I wish I had asked her questions I've always wanted answers to, but instead we just talked in general. I miss her so much.

I haven't had a dream like that in a while. the type that shakes you up and keeps your mind occupied all day. But it's made me so sad all day long.

Got a lot done yesterday and today- classes and homework, a bunch of meetings, errands, got my work study job, and got my banking ironed out. proud of myself, but also exhausted .

I went to the gym both yesterday and today. yesterday I burned 300 on the elliptical, and today I did some calisthenics and the elliptical and burned 400. I feel really good about that.
right now I really want to eat, but so far it's been a negative day and I don't want to ruin that by eating more than the 400 calories I burned.

hmm. well. I hope all of your weekends have been happier than mine.

stop crying

I missed my class this morning. and then spent the rest of the morning crying about it. I feel like such a baby, but I honestly can't stop crying. it's awful. I think this proves that I am not mature enough to handle being on my own or making my own decisions. Seriously, I don't think I'm cut out to be a journalist. I'm not cut throat enough.

Last night I skipped dinner but still ate like 300 calories worth of chocolate. fail.
And I watched the documentary Jesus Camp with my atheist suite mate who kept asking me what the religious stuff meant. I told her everything she wanted to know even though now I feel like such a loser. She's got this thing about her that makes you want to give her everything just so she'll like you. I don't know why her approval means so much to me. I wish it didn't.

I got my period this morning which definitely didn't aid me in my attempts to stop balling my eyes out. I weighed in and I weigh 137, the highest I've been in months. I've been on a plateau, staying right around 132-134 since May, which has been really frustrating but I knew it was my own fault. But now it looks like I'm gaining and I cannot let that happen. So I'm kicking into high gear and I'm gonna get down to 118 by Christmas.
If I'm gonna fail college, I'm not gonna fail myself with this weight loss.

it's raining out the window

I just got from the gym and I feel like such a loser. I don't know how to use any of the machines and everyone else looks better than me. :/ I tried to use the elliptical but didn't know how to turn it on. So I ended up doing intervals on the cross-trainer for half an hour. The machine tells me that I burned 320 calories. I hope it's right since I ate mainly junk today.

To follow up on my last post- I don't think Julia has an eating problem, I think she's just super stressed about school. Some people don't eat when they're stresses and others over-eat. I am of the later category, unfortunately. I really shouldn't say I hate her, but she has been getting under my skin in a major way. I'm just too meek to do anything about that.

I have only 4 classes (and one small pretend class), and already on the second day I have a huge pile of work. how am I going to function with all this and the voices that keep yelling at me in my head? Everyone (well, almost everyone) seems to be so much better than me at everything. They don't look afraid at all, but I've been shaking in my boots since I got here.

Problem is, I don't know who to tell. I called my old boyfriend, and he just told me my problems sound stupid. I don't want to call my friends who are also in college cause they have enough going on in their lives without me getting crazy. And I don't want to tell my Dad cause I don't want him to worry. I need to find a friend here!

for some reason when I was running, I noticed how my eyebrows help keep sweat out of my eyes.

I've got a perfect body

but sometimes I forget,

I've got a perfect body

cause my eyelashes catch my sweat

-Regina Spektor, "Folding Chair"

guess who lost ten pounds in a week?

no, not me. 

it was that bitch, Julia. I know. I officially hate her now.

I just got back from an open mic night. and the guy I danced with was there! best part was, he found me. and he invited me back to his room and said he really hopes he'll see me again. sighhh.....

and by the way, i did lose one pound in college. yay me :)

thanks for the support on that last post, too. I haven't been doing very well at college so far.

ranting

clingy roommates are really getting on my nerves. they're making it a lot more difficult for me to make my own friends. I mean, they're nice, but not exactly the people I want to spend all my time with.

At dinner last night, my one roommate named Julia insisted I come along to dinner with her and her friend who was visiting from across the city. So we went, and I ordered some veggie wrap, which they were out of. so then I ordered some cheese thing with tomatoes and they were all out of that too. so, frustrated with the very limited options on the menu, I just ordered the chicken pesto sandwich (which has about 600 calories by my calculation) and Julia gave me this look of disapproval.
mine came out first, so I was eating by the time everyone else's arrived (yeah, I know, bad manners... but whatever. it was a hot sandwich quickly cooling). I ate the first half and was about to pick up the second when Julia was like "wow, you really ate that fast." Then my other roommate Sam was like "well she got her a lot earlier than the rest of us." and then Julia laughed and said "that's not an excuse" and went back to eating the first half of her sandwich.

I just wanted to scream at her: I went running today and you didn't! I had salad for lunch and you had mac&cheese! You had hot chocolate and I had black tea! she's skinnier than me so she can get away with it. but still. it makes me angry and makes me feel like the biggest fat failure in the world.

and I think I've gained weight since being here. grrrreaatt.

dance the night away

last night I went to this dance thing that was part of college orientation. I wore a pink summer dress and sandals. I was considering a much more revealing but fun dress, but then I decided not to. I didn't want to scare anyone off with the cellulite on my thighs.
and apparently I didn't look all that bad.
I danced with one guy who was super good, I was watching him thinking "hot damn" and then he made eye contact with me and asked me to dance. things seem to be unchanged from high school dances, so mostly it was just grinding and jumping- things that (luckily) require little dancing ability. then I sorta just danced with any guy who wanted to. it was great, no one really knew each other so it was just casual and had no other emotional attachment.
and I think all the dancing put a dent in my goldfish calories :)

this morning I finally made it to the gym and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. not the most intense workout, but I had it on high resistance and burned 280 calories according to the machine.
I think I'm making a place for myself here. and hopefully, things will keep getting better.