Originally we were off to Cambridge, but that got cancelled. After a few confused conversations and a lot of slipping around in the October snow storm, we ended up at a BU frat party. It was classic- a required number of girls to guys to get in, sticky floors, loud music, black lights in the basement, keg stands and jell-o shots.
I had two jell-o shots and one cup of beer. I didn't drink too much and I didn't dance with inappropriate guys. Some guy grabbed my ass, but I'll never know who it was because it was so dark in there and by the time I had enough space to turn my head, he was gone.
The other girls from my college left pretty early but I stayed to get lost in the madness. I figured if I made the effort to get there, why not stay? And I think it was worth it. I can cross BU off my list. Now I need to get working on Harvard ;)
We missed the t, and by the time we hailed a taxi (which took almost an hour) my hair was frozen and I couldn't feel my fingers and toes.
I ended up asleep around 3:15 and I still got up to go to church this morning. I went with prep, and I told him about my night (leaving out a few key details, though). He laughed and didn't seem all that surprised. I wonder what he thinks of all that, or if he thinks anything at all about it.
I hope today is productive and pleasant. And that this week is one of cheer and good clichés.
the rest should be unwritten.
I sorta just want to go off the deep end and party till I get sick and just have sex with everyone. Get skinny and get wasted. But I also wanna get healthy and balanced and do the right thing. God's calling me to stay straight and go to Africa and save the world. But Satan's calling me to just let go and let sadness and fake energy take me. It's a lot harder a choice than I make it sound here, but both ends have their merits.
my life is changing
there's condoms in my sock drawer
don't know how I feel
The first thing you wrote is definitely an urge for a lot of us (ME).. but its also GIVING UP. Being outwardly fucked up is weirdly glamorous, and being a "good" person is time-consuming and hard. But the satisfaction that comes with doing whatever you want is fleeting. Thats what I try to remind myself. Even though it seems like it would be more fun, a couple years down the line its just going to be sad, and pathetic.
ReplyDeleteCurrently I let myself succumb to a few "bad" desires, but only those that I can keep hidden and in control. I'm hoping to change this soon, but if this is what is required to keep me somewhat on the right path, so be it. I think the key is to try living with compromise and acceptance, I'm not sure of God's stance on that as I'm not religious in the slightest, but I do think that if there is a God, they would be far more accepting and forgiving then what we're told. Morality on a spectrum is the most honest solution I can offer you, even if it isn't as appealing as God\Satan's lifestyles.
oooooh I love this post. I'm sure you looked amazing. And I hope that your day is productive and pleasant!
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling with that too, idk if I should work on my reputation or just say fuck it, and do whatever I want. I'm not even sure what the best decision is.
ReplyDeletelove the haiku so much. You make me happy.
ReplyDelete