we were just watching the premature snowflakes. for goodness sake, it's only october. and then he kissed me, full on the mouth like he meant it. suddenly we were kissing, open mouth with our hands wandering unfamiliar territory.
oh gosh. i'm still very fat, aren't i?
his hands ran through my hair and held me so close. his hands, his hands.
i wish i hadn't drank that milk.
he stopped and looked at me and told me i was beautiful. i blinked and said nothing. and then we were kissing again.
why did he say that?
at one point my roommate walked in. she grabbed her keys and quickly left. I felt bad, but I'd have done the same for her, not that she's getting any. prep and I looked at each other and laughed. "isn't it fun being a teenager?" I asked. he murmured that it wouldn't last, we'll grow up someday. i don't think he gets that that's exactly my point.
i wish i liked him more than i do.
he looked out the window and remarked that the people across the way could see into my window. we should move for privacy's sake, he said. i said i didn't care.
maybe i'm too reckless.
then the lights were off and so was my button-down flannel shirt. then i lost my tank top and he lost his polo. his fingers fumbled on the clasp of my bra, so i un-did it myself. i was so aware of his muscles and my flab. his beauty and my averageness.
why does he even like me at all?
when we were back to just watching the snow again, his arms around me, we talked. about relationships and what we've been through. he's a virgin. i'm not. he said it was okay, that it didn't bother him. i'm not sure i believe him.
am i okay with it?
he put his shirt back on, saying he was going to leave. i put on the flannel shirt but didn't button it. he said i was the sexiest thing ever. i smiled and blushed, but said nothing.
some boys are either blind or good liars.
he didn't leave for another hour, and we kissed and talked some more. when he left i put on pajamas and went to sleep, feeling just as happy as i did insecure.
You are beautiful
ReplyDeleteYou just don't see yourself the same way.
And sometimes we need someone else to say it.
For example if a friend tells me, I just say thanks and shrug it off, they say it just to make me feel better. But if my J says it. It makes me feel beautiful for those few seconds. Until I see myself again.
He told you that you were beautiful because you are. :) It's had to see what other people see. Almost all girls suffer from body distortion. We see fat and flaws where other people see beauty.
ReplyDelete