11 hours in

My midterm went really well yesterday. or at least I hope it did. I knew the answers to most of the questions, but I forgot one of the author's names. oops.

I then went to work and helped a man in his thirties with borrowing while subtracting large numbers. It was our first tutoring session, but we'll be doing it twice a week from now on. When he first saw me, he asked the supervisor why I was so young. no one answered his question. It's a really odd situation, being a teenage college student tutoring an adult for his GED. It pits two traditional hierarchies of respect against each other. how do we treat each other when he is older than me, but I am in the position of power as the teacher? He's really eager to learn which is awesome, but I'm not a very good tutor. Plus, he needs a serious shower.

After that, I went to do an assignment for my journalism class. We had to cover a meeting, press conference, or event. I went to a block party for an up-and-coming area in the city for young business professionals. It was all over-25's drinking beer and talking. They were fine with answering my questions, but I got so flustered. I didn't know who to ask what question and I couldn't come up with a good string of questions, either. I must have looked so pathetic and out of place. After only 20 minutes at the party I left in tears.

I just felt like such a failure, and I felt woefully out of place. I can't be a journalist, I just can't. I'm no good at interviews and I have crap confidence. I need to find a better profession. Something that doesn't require courage.

I then walked back to my college in the cold, feeling terrible at myself. All the nervous happy energy from the kiss was gone and all I wanted to do was disappear. I popped into the convenience store and bought a 150 calorie ice cream, a box of cheerios and some peanut butter. Then I threw the fast out the window and gorged myself. I cried and ate and wallowed in self-pity. it was a lovely sight, I assure you.

After that I went out with a group of friends and had some hot apple cider. I just didn't care. not in the least bit. I laughed loud and talked with a swagger of confidence. Something came up about prep and I told the story. some girl even complimented me, "you're so confident. how do you do it?" I replied, "good acting."

I think I need to get therapy. This mood swing business is really not good for me. Plus, I need to quit binging like I did last night.

As a punishment for this past week of awful eating, I am fasting. I also really want to beat my record of 62 hours. I'm going for 72. which means I can eat again at 11 pm on sunday night. But I think I'll just stick it out til monday morning. we'll see. Another reason- I gained weight this week. like, a lot. I am surprised that it could happen so quickly. I'm like 137, which is absolutely crazy.

I need to be 118 by Christmas. How the hell am I going to do that if I keep fucking up like this?