cold weather goals

avoiding my homework so much right now. oops.

I haven't had the best things to eat today, but I'm not hating myself. I had a few cookies for a birthday in my sorority chapter meeting and granola for lunch, but other than that just protein and dairy. not terrible.

I didn't go to the gym today, but I did walk a few miles.

okay. rambling done.

October Goals
work outs
m- painting
t- painting
w- boot camp (12-1)
r- elliptical & weights
f- yoga (12-1)
s- elliptical & weights
s- off or pilates videos

weights
oct 7- 145
oct 21- 140
oct 31- 136


food options
b- granola, eggs, fruit, smoothie, milk
l- salad, turkey burger, yogurt and fruit
d- good grains, protein, as much veg as possible
s- fiber one, tea, gummies, cereal, yogurt

friday wish

I always end up with the same dumb frat guys. always the same ones. the ones who like me I either don't like or we made things awkward a long time ago when we hooked up. and then there are the rest of them. the ones who don't give two flying fucks about me. to them, I'm the fat girl who always hangs who they wish wouldn't.

maybe if I get down to 130 again they'll look in my direction. maybe if I get down to 118 they'll talk to me. maybe if I get bellow 110 they'll even seek me out. or maybe I'll always be too weird. but definitely I'm making this too big or a deal.

before that dumb party I actually had a great day. despite the rain I got interviews done for class, had the premiere of my radio show, and had a great time at my internship. if only everyday could be more like that.

eternity in a moment

it is so difficult to live without weighing your own value in the eyes of those around you. everything they say, all the glances in your direction, all the actions add up to a self consciousness that feels unavoidable.

I feel like I spend all my time thinking about what others are thinking about. as if I cannot live in this moment, I must always be analyzing.

truthfully

this morning I was so proud of myself for being at 147.6. I haven't seen that number since last semester. but then it dawned on me that I was at 130 a little over a year ago. I let myself slip all the way up to 160 pounds by july, something that is just not acceptable.

I've been thinking all day and all of yesterday and the day before that about some dumb guy that I slept with and who has my number but who hasn't texted. I kept wondering why, going over reasons that he would be nervous or that he was following some dumb code or that he didn't want to start anything with me.

but then I saw myself naked in the mirror when I was weighing myself. and now I understand why he didn't contact me, I am disgusting. he spent one night with me, touching my disgusting body, and he can't handle the thought of ever seeing or speaking to me again. he was being nice when he woke up, and realized sober what he hadn't when he was drunk- that I am disgusting. and then he was a true gentleman and didn't kick me out. I commend him for that, and I am truly sorry that he had to see my fat self.

I wouldn't have called me back either.

update

high 140's several days in a row, this makes it official. I want to see 145.something by sunday.

today:
yogurt and granola
yogurt
powerade
turkey burger
pretzels &frosting (with my friend who's in the hospital with a recurring heart complication)

I did really well and I painted sets for 6 hours. talk about tiring. now if only I could get some homework done.

new week

rush week is finally over. hallelujah. I mean, it was fun, but it was too much smiling for my taste. last night was the mixer with our brother fraternity and I had a lot of fun. I pre-gamed at my big's apartment with my pledge sisters and some of the older sisters-I finally feel like one of them. like they would actually come to me with something important.

at the mixer I danced with a few boys, and one who has been after me since last semester kept asking if I was drunk enough to kiss him. ew. no. then I met this guy, who was relatively hot, but also kind of nerdy and sweet. I'd never met him before even though he's one of my brothers. we talked and smoked and I gave him my number, and then we made out in the hallway.

we were heading home in the pouring rain, and I was so happy to be getting rained on. it was a beautiful feeling, being cross-faded and having the cold rain on my hair and my skin. I felt beautiful. and then there he was out of no where, and we were kissing in the rain just like an old movie.

I ended up going home with him and we slept together. It was mostly good, but I was wayyy too tight. but besides that it was really a good night, he was kind and tender and it was really comforting just to be next to him all night long.

strangely, I felt fat, but not ashamed. more like it would be nice if I were thinner, but I know that I don't look completely hideous. I do want to get in better shape so that I can just have a better time when I have sex. I don't know if that's a weird reason to want to get more flexible and strong, but it's definitely on the list.

anyway. today we had voting for which rushes will be getting bids tonight. it was interesting to see how it works, but I'm sad some of the girls I like won't be getting in. tonight we have our first ever bid day party, which is a nice new tradition. other school do it, but we never have.

if only I didn't have so much homework to do.

ranting

it's really late for me and I need to go to sleep, but I just needed to write. do you ever get that feeling? that you just have to get the words out?

back story- on saturday night I went out with two of my friends. I met up with them at one girl's apartment, which is in a sketch part of the city and I went by myself to meet them because the girl I was going to go with, didn't want to go out. so I go there, we pregame, and everything is fun. then we get to the party and she is there with my other friend who also said she didn't want to go out. so whatever, change of heart. then I drink too much and blah blah blah I get really shitty and throw up. I then spend the next day feeling terrible, and her only advice is to drink water, she has like zero sympathy.

so that's whatever, not a big deal at all. but then tonight, I'm saying how I need to hurry and write my essay so I can get a shower and go to sleep at a decent time. then she starts on me about getting work done earlier, and how I should have done more work over the weekend. I'm annoyed because I've been in class all day (until 10pm, mind you) and I do a lot more with my life than she does, so I have more on my plate. I say that I was really sick on sunday so I didn't get much done. and then she tells me I shouldn't get so shitty. that I'm going to get a bad reputation. like seriously? you're going to do that to me? never mind that we pledged together last semester and we live together. never mind that I am always there when you need to talk. I am so pissed at her judging. I know she's OCD and has a stick up her ass but that doesn't mean I have to be too.

Anyway. now that the rant is over, I'm going to sleep. I had a ton of work to do today and I got everything done (happiness!) and tomorrow I have 4 hours of class and six hours of work. gosh. what a long day. plus it's rush week so I have events for that as well.

I know I do this to myself, all the over-scheduling, but I feel like I controlled myself in not over signing up. I think I want to find a less frazzled career path, something more focused with less emailing involved.

oh the joys of journalism.

good night!

merry happy

such a good day today. such a good day!!!

I got school work done, I went to the gym, I met great people, my radio show got approved, I ate relatively well. most things are going my way right now. I am very busy, but I feel like I am confident enough to really dive in and accomplish what I want to.

oh yeah, and I'm out of the 150's!!!

I mean, it's only 149.8, and it'll be back up tomorrow probably, but I was so shocked to see that number. It feels amazing to know that I can do this if I really try. I have a goal to be 145 by october 1st and 136 by halloween. it's kind of fast, and expecting a lot from myself, but if I keep going to the gym as much as I do now and make better eating choices, I think it's attainable.

okay, sorry for being bi-polar on here, but I'm just so happy today. this is so great :)

whatever

I don't fucking care if it's not healthy. I feel awful so I'm gonna do a fast tomorrow. I can't feel like this anymore.

morning

I feel like such a bad ass when I wake up early in the morning and go to the gym. so many people are still sleeping, but I'm already burning 400 calories. then I go to the dining hall and have a fruit salad and some granola, and other girls are eating potatoes and bagels. I am a goddess.

lol, jk. I weighed in at 152.8 this morning, so I'm just a fat loser pretending to be a thin pretty girl.

already overwhelmed

the first week went okay. and now I'm feeling so unmotivated! my life is stressful enough without thinking about my weight and how ugly I'll stay until I'm thin. I was losing weight for a few days, and now I'm on that dumb yo-yo of up and down and up and down. 150-152 over and over. please make it stop.

as you all know, I've gone back to school. and here's all the things on my plate:

Beat Reporting (class)
Law & Ethics for Journalists (class)
Fashion History (class)
American Woman Literature (class)
Sorority (rush is this week)
Job (10 hours a week)
Hosting My Radio Show
Internship (16 hours per week)

yeah. it's a lot. and don't forget that I have homework, I work out around 1 hour a day, and I have a social life. seriously, I think I'm taking on too much, but I literally can't see myself cutting anything off the list.

just thinking about the food here and how many calories are in alcohol makes me so stressed out. I eat well for a lot of the day, but then there are dumb things like birthday cakes in meetings and mixing vodka with fruit punch that make things so difficult. I feel like my small bad decisions destroy hours of work and my dozens of smart decisions.

I want to go home to my puppy and my daddy! I want to sleep in my own bed and watch tv on my couch and ride my bike. I know I wasn't happy this summer and that going home would be way worse, but I hate this. it's too overwhelming and I don't even like that many people here. what if I'm not ready yet?

frustrated

my stomach hates me. everything I eat makes me feel sick and I hate it. how am I supposed to feel okay and be productive when I feel like there is a living (and very angry) being inside me? this is just not fair.

and the food here sucks. I went to trader joe's today, but I can't afford to do that often. bleh. I am so mad at my school for having such shitty eating options.

tomorrow I plan on going to the gum before class. we'll see if that happens. probably not, but one can hope.

good choices

my eating has been surprisingly good these past few days. it's been a lot of fruit and cutting my portion sizes in half. as a consequence I've been going to bed very hungry and feeling a bit tired. so I'm thinking of increasing the amount I eat. of course I'll try to make the additions super healthy ones, but I have a hard time doing that at school.

I found at least one job that would hire me, so that's at least a start. but I don't know which one I am going to take yet, it's a difficult decision. one would look great on my resume but be less fun and I'd have to wear office clothes. the other would be painting sets for the theater and I could wear sweat pants to work and be moving and burning more calories. it's a battle between happy now or happy later, and I don't know what to do!

I've dropped to 151 this morning from 153 on monday. 2 pounds in two days? I think it's a fluke, and that I'll gain tomorrow, but at least it's a happy number for right now.

I hope all you ladies starting school have a great first day!

new again

school has started, and I'm off to my sophomore year. I feel a lot more confident coming into school this time, less unsure and more at home. that being said, I cried when my father was saying goodbye to me, and felt a pit of uneasiness and lonely sadness settling into stomach. I like seeing friends, I like living in the city, I like going to school, but all I wanted after my dad left was for him to turn around and bring me home.

I feel better today, less sad and less uneasy. a good night's sleep and a clean room made waking up easier. and now I feel even better, and guess why? I got hired at for an internship only a few blocks away.

it's a blogging and social media gig, and I think I might actually be good at this. my new boss said he was surprised by how good my writing was for a sophomore. I don't know what sophomores he was reading, but I don't think mine is really anything special. but anyway, the point is that I have at least one good thing happening in my life this semester, and I'm hoping that I'll find more things, too.

I ate crap while we were driving to the city, and the only exercise I've been getting has been carrying boxes from place to place. but I'm still staying on my plateau, so I guess no damage done. I need to sign up for the gym as soon as possible, and get back to my pilates. I know the only way I'm going to get down to my goal weight is if I eat really clean and the perfect amount and do lots of exercise.

so, here we go. let's do this.