nothing, really

Yesterday I flew home from Boston to Philadelphia. It was an easy flight, all things considered. I never had a blip in plans, nothing was lost, and everyone was nice to me. The morning before the flight I woke up in my friend Sam's bed. I went over there to sell him brownies, but of course we both knew it was mostly to sleep with him. He's not great in bed, and he's kind of a weird guy. I don't know why I like him.

When my dad picked me up from the airport we stopped on the way home for lunch and to get groceries. For breakfast yesterday I ate a baconeggandcheese from panera(510), lunch with my dad was  watered down soda and a fancy grilled cheese with crab and tartar sauce (I have spent an hour looking for this restaurant's nutritional information and I can't find it anywhere, so I'm just going to say 700) dinner was pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a glass of milk (500) I also had a frozen mango pop in the car (60). So it was a bad day for eating, and I didn't purge any of it.

I haven't seen any friends from home yet, but I saw some of my brother's friends which was really nice. And I sold them brownies haha. I haven't smoked at all in the past two days, it's so strange. In Boston I smoke at least once a day lately. I miss it, but I think it's good for my body not to for this week.

Today I didn't eat anything until I had an oatmeal cranberry cookie that my grandmother made for me. I was over her house to help her prepare the food for thanksgiving tomorrow. I also got to hang out with my Aunt Janice, which is nice because she lives so far away in Colorado. My dad is always saying we'll go visit her, but we never have. I hope someday I can see the Rockies with her. When I got home I had pasta and sauce (410), a small salad(31), and 3 slices of bread(225). I also had a mango pop (60) for dessert.

I watched an old Gwyneth Paltrow movie, View from the Top, with my sister and spent the entire thing looking at her incredibly thin body. Seriously her arms and her stomach are amazing, and her legs are miles long. I wish I could look like her, but I know that's completely unrealistic. She's tall and long, two things I'll never be.

Besides the average blip of minor feeling, I've been completely empty of emotion since I left Sam's bed yesterday. It's not that I'm empty in that way, I'm not sad or depressed. I just don't have any strong emotions that have pulled me in one direction or another. I'm so used to being overwhelmed by my feelings that it's strange to walk a long corridor and realize that the whole time I haven't thought a single meaningful thought. Usually I'm bursting with things to say and emotions to express, but not yesterday and not today. I want my old self back, but this is a nice vacation.

I think I'd like to buy a new scale, a digital one. And I need to start making and shopping for all these christmas gifts I've been planning. I have no friends at home, but there are a few people I'd like to see. I want to see Matt, even though I still weigh the same as when I last saw him and I swore I wouldn't let that happen. I also think I'd like to get a tattoo of a sun just below my left collar bone. A small one, a circle with 6 little triangles around it. I drew it on with an eyeliner pen and I really like it. Maybe I should set it as a reward for getting to 120, a weight I think I was last at in elementary school (I'm such a fat kid.)

Wow this is such a long and meaningless post. Sorry you read it all the way to the end.

Kiss me, Hardy!

I hate being me. I hate all pictures that have ever been taken of me, and I hate myself for being this fat and disgusting for so long. Honestly, I'm so huge and revolting to look at, I don't know how people allow me to be anywhere near them. If I were them, I'd simply refuse to speak to such an ugly person. It's like I'm just naturally just less of a person because I'm not pretty and thin. (I pause here to reflect on the pure vile hatred I just wrote above. It makes me physically sick to feel and reflect on such strong hate and hurt. I think I might cry.)

Today I woke up at 7 to register for classes. I didn't get the schedule I wanted, so everything isn't ideal, but it's at least working out alright. I then went back to sleep until 10:30 when I decided not to go to class today. I ate some toast and enjoyed the morning sun instead. So I showered and smoked and went to school to play with Pro Tools, an audio program I'm learning and that I really like. I drank lots of caffeine and took caffeine pills so I got jittery and lightheaded. At one point I was working at the radio station and I almost fell out of my seat from the the dizziness when I leaned to pick something up.

Then I ate some soup from Panera, came home, smoked more weed, did philosophy homework and helped bake edibles to sell. Then I ate some of what we made, which I threw up because I didn't want to get too stoned and I didn't want the sugar calories. Then I ate more food (wheat crackers and corn flakes) and smoked more weed. I talked with roommates and cried alone over ugly pictures of myself. When I made myself upset enough over the pictures I threw up the rest of the food. I think almost everything came up, not totally sure. Then I texted people I know who might buy the edibles. Just now I told the guy how much and he said "how about we skip the $x and I take you to dinner." I don't even like him that way!! I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. He's really daring to say that, but I don't think I'm attracted to him. Oh no.

I'm so mad at myself for getting into this, the cycle of starve, binge, purge. But I'd also really like to just lose as much weight as possible before Christmas pictures. I know I can do this. I can restrict and vomit up my mistakes. It's absolutely fine, and I am absolutely in control.

Knots

After I wrote here last night I tried to go to sleep but ended up tossing and turning thinking about registration for classes. So I sat in the kitchen an did some more research, and then my roommate came and sat across the table. She cried that she couldn't sleep, I was worrying her. She said she knows I throw up, that all my roommates know. And she knows I sleep with men I meet online, she thinks its stupid and dangerous.

It was like she ripped all my secrets away from me. On some level I knew that she knew, and I knew that the other roommies know, too. But it really hurt to hear that from her. She made me feel so stupid and pathetic. They all talk about me, like I'm someone to pity.

I cried, too. Then we talked about her complicated boy problem, and then we went to bed at 3am.

I spent all day thinking about a lot of things. First, how angry I am at her. But also how grateful I am to have her care so much about my health and safety. I'm embarrassed about the online sex thing, I hate myself for being careless. I hate them for looking. My stomach hurts with worry, the pain of throwing up so often these past couple days, and all the caffeine. I take caffeine pills and drink way too much tea. Now I'm just lying in the house, not talking about the only thing I can think about. I'm dying a little at a time, I think.

Today-
apple (purged in the school bathroom)
cheese
gummies
potato soup
bread
butter
hot tea
cold tea
peanut bar (purged)

the total might be around 1000, not really exactly sure. But I'm not exactly sure today's calorie count even matters.

I was thinking of maybe taking the day off tomorrow, but with all the work I have and all the responsibilities, I don't think it's really an option.

And on top of it all, I think I'm going to get a C in ethics, despite my best efforts. And probably a C in science, too, but I deserve that one.

Self Sabatoge

I sleep with a lot of guys I meet online. I'm fat and I look bad in pictures, I'm not really pretty, at least not in any way more than a passing average. And I know that I could look 100 times better if I weighed at least under 120 pounds. Like at that weight I would look slim, but definitely not hot, not the best I could be. I think I'd look good at under 110 ultimately. (check out this website, what real women look like. It's awesome for comparing weights and heights, and a lot of times good thinspo.)

If I want to be the best looking that I can be, I need to be slim. And slim girls work for their bodies. So I'm thinking to jumpstart my new diet with a ton of caffeine. Today I had two excedrine (with caffeine) and a cup of super caffeinated tea. I didn't eat until 7:30 and I was buzzing off the high of caffeine with no food to soften the affects. I was super sharp, to the point of being light-headed and having shaking hands and racing heartbeat. It was kind of fun, like walking line of crazy and sane.

I had two classes, and in my journalism class, my professor critiqued our screen presence. I look obese on camera. I have a lumpy body, chubby cheeks, no defined jaw line, and squinty eyes. I've gained at least ten pounds since September (my scale broke and I have terrible eating habits lately, not helped by the enormous amount of weed I smoke with my roommates) and I can tell by my face and my arms. My best guess is that I weigh somewhere around 146 pounds, ten more than I did on the first of October.

Anyway. I had all the caffeine and a terrible day of fatness, and then I came home and ate a slice of bread and drank half a glass of wine at 4pm. Then I cleaned the whole house and ate sushi at 7:30 (about 450 calories). Then I made the mistake of smoking with my roommates. So I had a pot of tea and a few tea cookies that ended up turning into 6 plain tea cookies, 3 oreos, two mini chocolates, and a bunch of little crackers. It was probably close to 600 calories (so not the worst binge ever, it could have been globs of peanut butter or full-fat ice cream or salty fried chips, but it was still bad) I felt sort of bad, but not really all that terrible until I started looking at pictures of myself on Facebook.

I am so ugly and fat. Pictures of my face only look good from certain angles, and pictures of my body almost never look attractive. I worked myself up so much that I went into the bathroom, shut the door, turned on the shower and vomited everything that would come up. I kept going and going until I could only spit up the water I was drinking to help everything come out. It hurt, but it was a good punishment and (sort-of) a fix for the bad eating I'd done earlier. Now I'm drinking chamomile tea as I write this.

This whole way of thinking about myself sucks because I want to be a strong woman. I want to be a feminist who can support herself and be happy regardless of how I look, but I really care about looks. Feeling fat seriously controls a lot of my thoughts throughout the day. When I am happiest I am not thinking about my weight at all. (But then again, I think of my weight least when I'm not focused on losing any) It's a catch 22. If I don't focus on losing weight I'll never lose any, but if I think about it, I'll definitely think about it too much and it'll make me sad and then I'll binge and then I'll starve and the whole eating disorder cycle starts again.

But another part of me wants that to happen, cause at least then I'd be skinny and in control of my body. I lost 12 pounds in September. I think I can do that again before I go home for Christmas break. Then hopefully I can be home for Christmas and come back to Cambridge quickly so I can work, make money, and not sit at home and eat Christmas junk food with my family. Then I could maybe maybe maybe be 132 on New Year's Day? I would love that. It would mean I could make a nice resolution like weigh under 120 by summer and start on a good foot so it could maybe come true.

I have all these plans to be thin, but in the mean time I need someone to talk to and give me their attention. So I keep sleeping with men double my age who I meet online. They like me because I'm young and taboo. Or I sleep with college boys who flirt with me drunkenly at parties. I can be so drunk I can't function, and they'll still try to sleep with me, and of course I'll say yes. They like me because I'm easy. And after I have sex with these people I always feel bad, but I keep seeking out unattached sex because I need the attention- I need to feel wanted, even if it's in the cheapest way. I want a relationship but I know I'm not good enough for one, so I sleep with everyone, which only makes me less worthy of good relationship.

My life is a mess. I just wish I could fix it all without making it a big deal. When I think about therapy (which I tried last week) it makes me feel like I'm not strong enough to handle my life and my problems on my own. Poor people can deal with much bigger obstacles than mine without any help. I'm just too lazy, too incapable, and too whiney. I'm spoiled. Or maybe just too stupid to figure life out.

losing my everything

I haven't written anything here in a while. I haven't written anything anywhere else, either and it's making me crazy to think of all the time I'm losing. Not that it's lost, I can still remember. But I'm worried that I'll lose all the memories if I don't write them down, and it feels false to write them down later.

Last night we hosted yet another party, and it was way too many people. Everyone was drinking our alcohol and smoking our weed and making too much noise in our house, where we got in trouble when the cops came. I hate all these stupid college kids.

I'm applying to a waitstaff temp agency. It's basically a catering company. I'm so incredibly nervous for the interview, but I'm excited that I might be able to start making some money. I spend far too much to on weed and alcohol and shitty food that's making me fat.

But I just cannot stop eating. I'm so gross but I just can't stop. All I want to do is eat and eat and eat. It's terrible. Alright. I need to stop writing, it's making me cry.