I hate being me. I hate all pictures that have ever been taken of me, and I hate myself for being this fat and disgusting for so long. Honestly, I'm so huge and revolting to look at, I don't know how people allow me to be anywhere near them. If I were them, I'd simply refuse to speak to such an ugly person. It's like I'm just naturally just less of a person because I'm not pretty and thin. (I pause here to reflect on the pure vile hatred I just wrote above. It makes me physically sick to feel and reflect on such strong hate and hurt. I think I might cry.)
Today I woke up at 7 to register for classes. I didn't get the schedule I wanted, so everything isn't ideal, but it's at least working out alright. I then went back to sleep until 10:30 when I decided not to go to class today. I ate some toast and enjoyed the morning sun instead. So I showered and smoked and went to school to play with Pro Tools, an audio program I'm learning and that I really like. I drank lots of caffeine and took caffeine pills so I got jittery and lightheaded. At one point I was working at the radio station and I almost fell out of my seat from the the dizziness when I leaned to pick something up.
Then I ate some soup from Panera, came home, smoked more weed, did philosophy homework and helped bake edibles to sell. Then I ate some of what we made, which I threw up because I didn't want to get too stoned and I didn't want the sugar calories. Then I ate more food (wheat crackers and corn flakes) and smoked more weed. I talked with roommates and cried alone over ugly pictures of myself. When I made myself upset enough over the pictures I threw up the rest of the food. I think almost everything came up, not totally sure. Then I texted people I know who might buy the edibles. Just now I told the guy how much and he said "how about we skip the $x and I take you to dinner." I don't even like him that way!! I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. He's really daring to say that, but I don't think I'm attracted to him. Oh no.
I'm so mad at myself for getting into this, the cycle of starve, binge, purge. But I'd also really like to just lose as much weight as possible before Christmas pictures. I know I can do this. I can restrict and vomit up my mistakes. It's absolutely fine, and I am absolutely in control.
jax. this post makes me really sad. i think you're amazingly lovely, and wonderful. i hate that you can't see it too. (i think what we need are eye doctors, or better lighting to see ourselves more clearly.) at the same time, i totally know how you feel. i get this. i said the same thing to myself this morning. maybe that's why it makes me so sad. (i was like, "damn i'd love to be at 107 by new year's eve.")
ReplyDeletedon't be sad, jax. i wish we went to the same college, sometimes. i wouldn't mind being around when you needed to talk. cheer up, love xx