over stretched

I just want to yell at them that I couldn't make it to class because I'm so depressed. That one morning I missed class because I lost myself in a binge and purge episode. Dealing with food and all this sadness is driving me crazy. But no, I have to have documentation and meet with a hundred administrators which only makes me feel more dramatic and like such a fraud. I'm too fat to have an eating disorder, that's what they'll think. No, more likely they'll think, she's so fat, must be the puking kind.

For so long I've been operating on a just get through it mentality. I'm getting near the end of my rope. Last week and this week I've been working too much. The money is great, but my nerves are fried. This weekend was so much work, and the entire time I was just making myself sick. On Friday I restricted then drank then binged. All of Saturday was spent binging and purging (twice in the toilet at work) and thinking about binging and purging and the enormous gulf of self-hatred that's taken up residence in my gut. My enormous fucking gut.

Plateau on my weight, always 133 or 134, days with higher numbers were spent jittering on too much caffeine and under 600 calories. This life I've created for myself is some sort of personally designed torture.

But, Oh! I have so much to be thankful for. It's pathetic that I'm this unhappy with all my piles of blessings. And I have no more to say.

Mar. 16

Some days, when I'm listening to loud music in my headphones and zoning out, I scroll and scroll through tumblr or different blogs for thinspo. A lot of it scares me. I don't want to be scary thin, and I can never ever look like a VS Angel, none of it is relevant to what I want to be. I just want to be this magical "perfect", I don't even know what the goal looks like. Just smaller in general.

On monday I spent most of the day in the ER getting my blood drawn and my heart rate measured so I could be cleared medically to start treatment. I'm in an outpatient program that involves a lot of group therapy and eating a regulated meal. The meal is torture, I swear. We have to meet quantity requirements in a few food categories, and everything always feels like too much.

I've been so afraid of purging since treatment started, and since the dizzy spinning incident, that I've been avoiding anything that might make me purge. Which is most foods in any average portion size. On the days I go to the outpatient program I end up eating 1200 calories or so, and on the days I don't go it's been about 500-900 calories a day. And it's been working, which feels nice. On Sunday, when I got home from Philadelphia and Washington DC I weighed 138 pounds. Then on Thursday I weighed 132. And today 131. I want to be at 129 by next week, I need this.

Tonight I'm going on a date with a guy who runs the trivia at work. I'm nervous that it will be awkward, or that I will embarrass myself. I'm also nervous about the fact that I have to tell him I definitely can't see him again, I really am not up to dating or being with guys at all right now.