I just want to yell at them that I couldn't make it to class because I'm so depressed. That one morning I missed class because I lost myself in a binge and purge episode. Dealing with food and all this sadness is driving me crazy. But no, I have to have documentation and meet with a hundred administrators which only makes me feel more dramatic and like such a fraud. I'm too fat to have an eating disorder, that's what they'll think. No, more likely they'll think, she's so fat, must be the puking kind.
For so long I've been operating on a just get through it mentality. I'm getting near the end of my rope. Last week and this week I've been working too much. The money is great, but my nerves are fried. This weekend was so much work, and the entire time I was just making myself sick. On Friday I restricted then drank then binged. All of Saturday was spent binging and purging (twice in the toilet at work) and thinking about binging and purging and the enormous gulf of self-hatred that's taken up residence in my gut. My enormous fucking gut.
Plateau on my weight, always 133 or 134, days with higher numbers were spent jittering on too much caffeine and under 600 calories. This life I've created for myself is some sort of personally designed torture.
But, Oh! I have so much to be thankful for. It's pathetic that I'm this unhappy with all my piles of blessings. And I have no more to say.
oh, dear. jax, try to take it easy. it's great that you have this job, just don't push yourself too hard. and don't feel bad. it's not pathetic to be unhappy, even with things to be thankful for. we're only human. love you, girlie xx try to smile.
ReplyDeleteSchools can be awful when it comes to trying to explain absences due to depression or anxiety... I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. You aren't pathetic and you aren't a fraud. Even when we have things to be thankful for, it doesn't detract from your suffering. Please try to go easy on yourself. I hope the next week is better for you xx
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