I keep a journal of everything I eat and everything I do now. It used to be an app on my phone, now it's a little blue book. I like the book, I can write things exactly how they are supposed to be.
This morning I went for a run. I was planning to run towards the river, along the running path to Harvard, then back. I only made it half way, my ears were cold and my head hurt from the caffeine pills I've been taking on an irregular schedule.
I don't know when I've ever been so careful about what I eat. When I've ever measured and prodded my food with such precision. Writing this, I'm trying not to cry. I'm feeling smaller, prettier, but also so unbelievably constricted, hopeless. Skittering energy. Launching and crashing, hyper-active then hiding away from anything that involves movement or people. Only want to cry and have someone hold me. I want someone who loves me to take care of me. No, I will have to do that all myself.
What will you do? What will you be? How will you survive? What will your story be? They all want to know. I wish I had the answer, or at least a more convincing response. I wish I had the follow through, that my spoken-aloud dreams weren't straight lies.
Oh I'm so sick. I hurt so badly. I don't know where the cure is, how I will ever find it. I look and I try and I whisper, help.
people ask too many questions, it seems. as if they expect you to have all the answers. please don't cry. find things that amuse you. pleasant memories to recall when you need them. to answer your question, yes, i'm terrified of being too happy. happiness is amazing to me but i know that the higher i get, the lower i'll crash.
ReplyDeletetake care of yourself, my friend. please be careful. happy april :) xx