I need someone to fight for me, to be disappointed when I skip doctor's appointments, to realize when I'm pulling bullshit to get through. It's like because I'm not visibly sick I'm not any cause for alarm. Right now I'm not accountable to anyone, if I win or lose it's all on me. What a terribly lonely feeling.
Last week I sent an email to my therapist at the eating disorder center saying I wanted to quit treatment. She responded just wanting to know if I was going to continue therapy, or stop that as well. She didn't try to convince me to stay, tell me I needed to try harder. I'm slipping though the cracks, no one is going to catch me. Part of me is wishing for a heart attack or something serious enough to take some of these decisions out of my hands.
darling, you were never accountable to anyone but yourself. don't let that therapist's reaction dissuade you. if you decide you want to go, then go. if you want to stay, stay. but whatever you do, do it for yourself. take care of yourself means take care of yourself. (which means you.) don't worry about other people. love ya, jax xx
ReplyDeleteI think this is a point where you have to say 'help'. I know it's hard when it's all on your shoulders and it'd be easier if someone else could say it for you, but no one will know how bad things are unless you tell them. I think therapists are limited with what they can say when it comes to patients wanting to stop treatment, like they have to respect your decision. Pushing could make things worse in some situations. Please try to take care of yourself as best you can. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts <3 xx
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