Happiness

yay! I have a date to junior prom! I am so happy that I'm not going alone or just with friends =) Vishwa asked me before dress rehearsal today. We were walking, looking for my ring that Riley stole, and I was being a complete fool. I was saying "Julia Child" in her funny voice (my character is a crazy lady with a cooking show)and we were laughing. Then out of the blue ha asked me "Are you going to prom?" and then I told him yes and he asked if I had a date. Then I told him that I didn't and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I asked him if he was serious and when he said yes I said that I would love to. I'm super stoked about it. I never thought I would get a date.

The part I like best is that he brought up prom and it sounded like he had thought about it before, not like it was spur of the moment. At least i hope it wasn't spur of the moment. And he also didn't say "as friends"; I'm glad I didn't ask too. He put his arm around me a few times too. I'm so happy over this. The only person I told was dad, and he seems okay with it. Can't wait to tell Nicole and Kimmi tomorrow!

Now all I need is an affordable dress and some shoes!

Visitation

John's rehab place is really freaky. There are all these kids who look really messed up. Well they are, but John doesn't look nearly as bad as them. But he still looks kind of shaky. I could see him getting more and more tired as we talked to him. It took forever to get up there and forever to get back, but we weren't actually visiting for very long. He's on a ton of pills. I can't imagine sleeping as much as he is.

I just felt so bad the whole time we were there. At first when we walked in my stomach started churning. Then I felt my heart speed up and my hands and feet went really cold. I could barely look at him for a long time. I just feel so bad because so much of this is my fault. I am the one splitting the family, and I didn't bother trying to make sure he was okay.

I'm just really glad that I don't have to do rehab. It looks awful. I would never want to do that or have counseling all the time. None of it is nearly as glamorous as Hollywood makes it all sound.

Serious v. Silly

My stomach has been aching all day from so much worry. I told D and A and P. But I shouldn't have told D. Give him an hour and he'll flake out on you. I love spending time with him, but he's proven to be forgetful and sort of selfish. Anna is being sweet and so far reliable. I never should have told either of them though. They don't need to know and I shouldn't have told them. it's worry they don't need and more complication than I'd like.

Prom is quickly approaching. What to do? I don't have a dress or a date. P and M both don't have dates yet though. I doubt either will want to go. M hit me in the butt with a soccer ball today. How rude! but at least it was me and not someone else. I like the attention but I don't think I can handle having a crush on him again quite yet.

Dad still hasn't been to keen on sharing any information with me. I feel awful about it and I know that this is partly my fault. I wish I could talk to him without doing any damage. or at least know if he got my letter. I just wish I knew he was feeling this way so I could have talked to him. We have a lot of the same problems.

I was thinking- maybe this is proof of how strong I am. I'm dealing with more pressure and hostility but I haven't lost it yet. I guess this is a sign to me that I am strong, stronger than I thought I was at least. Maybe like M said a while back, I am meant to do great things later on with the strength I am building right now. I could help with someone who is going through similar things or deal with high pressure later on. I don't know what it will be but I do know that I will have strength to deal with what ever it is.

pray for John

I found out today that things are worse than I thought. And that John is clinically depressed. later on in the day I wrote John a note saying that we should talk and I asked him for his forgiveness. I left it on him computer but I don't know if he got it.

My dad is moving into the office and for the first time he thinks that me living with a friend is a good idea. It was a shaky day. on the trip to Church my sister asked me if I would return to normal when we moved back home. It broke my heart that she would think I was depressed.

Then at the Robert's BBQ dad got a call from Emily. She wanted us to come home quickly. He was whispering with Mrs. Roberts and all he will tell me is that John is in trouble. suicide attempt?

I'm shaking and my heart is beating so fast.

Twice

post number two today. how eventful.

Ch and I decided to watch heroes today. we do that about every six months, we pick a new TV show on dvd and watch it all the way through. heroes isn't a bad show right? well Emily walks in at some point when there are is a girl being threatened to take off her clothing. so she tells us its inappropriate and we should shut it off. What the fuck? all of the sudden after two and a half months of saying exactly 3 things to me (take your shoes off the couch twice and pass the salt once) she thinks she can tell me what's appropriate to watch? I got really mad and for what ever reason my dad took her side. her side! I called her a fucking bitch. My dad told me not to be disrespectful and I said I had no respect for her. then I started crying.

why would I say that to her? I mean I don't know if I respect her or not. But even if I for sure didn't I shouldn't have said it. I was shaking and crying and my left arm fell asleep. so I called P, but I lost my nerve and ended the call. But then he called me back. The weird part was that right before I picked up I cleared my voice and sounded normal and then said "hello?" but the first thing he said was "Jackie? what's wrong?" How did he know something was wrong? Maybe I'm a worse actress than I thought. He was super sweet though, he kept saying "everything's going to be okay" over and over really calmly. He was reassuring and made me feel like I wasn't bothering him. When I calmed down and we were at a normal conversation level he teased me, ever so gently. And subtly called me beautiful.

I think that he is perfect. If I felt like I deserved him I would have a crush on him. But I know that I'm just another girl with issues and that he is a shoulder to lean on. He helps a lot of people, and he doesn't fall in love with any of them, that I know of. I wish I knew him like that. But he would never tell me anything personal about himself, he doesn't go deep into himself like that with me. Or as I can see from here, with anyone. He's guarded. If I ever do get to know him what I would like to find out is what he's afraid of. That's when I'd know that I knew him.

And the rain rain rain came down down down

It was warm where I live prematurely this year, but now we have gone back to average spring chilly-ness. the sunshine made me happy, but it also reminded me of how pale and chubby I am. I know that I'm not fat, but I am definitely not skinny or pretty. I'm average and forgettable. I have boring brown hair and freckles and pink chubby cheeks. I'm short, and recently I have become increasingly aware of how short my legs are. The only things i like about my appearance is that people say I look like my mother and my long eyelashes. I also sort of like the size of my feet, small but not too small. and I don't sweat in weird places like my hands or my upper lip or my back. just my nose mostly. Also I think I have a good nose and chin, not too pointy. If only they weren't covered in acne!
well enough of my poor self-esteem.

I had play practice today, and hardly knew any of my lines. how could I have gotten stuck in such a horrible dress? oh right, that's the part I was assigned. humph. I can feel the director's growing hatred for me. At least I have a new friend in V. He's nice and funny and talks to me even when he doesn't have to.

While writing this I am logged onto facebook. I'm waiting for P to chat me. He's on and so am I but he still hasn't spoken to me. it's been 10 minutes almost. I just hope he wasn't too offended by my critique of his driving yesterday...

I hate school work and doing stuff in general! I am so lazy and lethargic lately. I just want to be asleep always. blech! I hope I'm not sick or something. That would really stink. I should do either of my two research papers or else practice my lines or do my chemistry homework, but I am too lazy. hey, but at least I'm not stuck in a pit of sadness today. well, the day is not yet over, there is still time for that.

well that was quick

Doesn't it figure the day I post about not crying I cry myself to sleep and try not to sob aloud on the phone with my friend A. she cares so much about me, but I'm such a godawful friend. She called me and talked and didn't judge. I love her and know that she deserves more than me as a friend. Honestly she's one of the most intelligent and caring and creative people I know. She's got flaws, like everyone, but she handles them with a bit more grace than most. I wish her better than the best in life, and certainly better than me in friendship.

third day of state testing, only four more! wow. how bleak.

D and I spent lunch listening to songs on his ipod, and I felt silly wearing his headphones. Then I spaced out while I was listening to an old and sad song by Eminem. He asked what was wrong and looked so genuinely concerned, it was really adorable but heart breaking. Selfishly I want them to be concerned and worried and give me attention. But the unselfish side of me wants them not to worry and be their own carefree selves. growing up is hard enough without a melodramatic depressed friend who always needs attention and support.

I almost have all my lines down for the play. I just have troubles with act II. Rumors (by Neil Simon) is really funny, but the cast is getting on my nerves. I only wish that P would start coming to rehearsals now and not in two weeks. I miss sitting with him back stage. It was my romance, even if it wasn't real. I love having him around and having him as a solid friend who won't flake out on me, but I don't actually like him that way like people think I do. I guess he would make a nice prom date, but he would never ask me. no one will. (well that wasn't dramatic at all...)

PSSA testing day 2

I don't cry anymore. I must have used up all my tears in my overly tearful past. I haven't cried in a month, I think a new record for me. I teared up after my step mom yelled at me the other day but it wasn't a full on cry like normal. It was just angry tears that I was able to blink away. I think I have replaced tears with a "melancholy" blank expression. I can sit and stare and disappear into my own thoughts until someone calls me back with questions about whether or not I'm depressed. D thinks I'm slipping and Dad wants to send me to a shrink. P of course as always is slightly worried but he knows I'll make it. I think I know that too but confidence can be hard to hold onto when you're overwhelmed with life.

One of my fears is that my situation isn't that bad at all. I'm just not strong enough to deal with it. Sometimes, like right now, it seems like the only logical answer to my dramatic life.

I was so sad today. But I decided to go to the track meet today to watch and cheer everyone else on. Coach hugged me and was really excited to see me. she kept looking me up and down and saying I looked great. I'll take that as a hint to start working out again. Oh Coach.

M was really chummy and he was super sweet to me. I was being all happy and we were teasing back and forth. The best part was that he was following me and talking to me not the other way around. He was genuinely really happy that I came to see him and the team run. He makes me happy but I know I would never date him. He's much too complex. Plus, he would never get the courage to ask me unless he knew for sure that I like him back. And I don't anymore, so it's too late.