Twice

post number two today. how eventful.

Ch and I decided to watch heroes today. we do that about every six months, we pick a new TV show on dvd and watch it all the way through. heroes isn't a bad show right? well Emily walks in at some point when there are is a girl being threatened to take off her clothing. so she tells us its inappropriate and we should shut it off. What the fuck? all of the sudden after two and a half months of saying exactly 3 things to me (take your shoes off the couch twice and pass the salt once) she thinks she can tell me what's appropriate to watch? I got really mad and for what ever reason my dad took her side. her side! I called her a fucking bitch. My dad told me not to be disrespectful and I said I had no respect for her. then I started crying.

why would I say that to her? I mean I don't know if I respect her or not. But even if I for sure didn't I shouldn't have said it. I was shaking and crying and my left arm fell asleep. so I called P, but I lost my nerve and ended the call. But then he called me back. The weird part was that right before I picked up I cleared my voice and sounded normal and then said "hello?" but the first thing he said was "Jackie? what's wrong?" How did he know something was wrong? Maybe I'm a worse actress than I thought. He was super sweet though, he kept saying "everything's going to be okay" over and over really calmly. He was reassuring and made me feel like I wasn't bothering him. When I calmed down and we were at a normal conversation level he teased me, ever so gently. And subtly called me beautiful.

I think that he is perfect. If I felt like I deserved him I would have a crush on him. But I know that I'm just another girl with issues and that he is a shoulder to lean on. He helps a lot of people, and he doesn't fall in love with any of them, that I know of. I wish I knew him like that. But he would never tell me anything personal about himself, he doesn't go deep into himself like that with me. Or as I can see from here, with anyone. He's guarded. If I ever do get to know him what I would like to find out is what he's afraid of. That's when I'd know that I knew him.