Just as before

Just got hired at a new restaurant. I feel like I'm wasting my time at the old one, not making enough money or doing anything productive with myself. But I will miss the people I worked with a lot. I really liked them, and I'll be sad to tell them that I'm leaving. 

After I quit therapy, I panicked and wanted to start it again. So I emailed my therapist and she emailed back saying that of course I could come back if I wanted to. I emailed about appointments a few times but never got an answer. I'm so confused! Now I have a plan to see a psychiatrist. Mostly I want to see him so I can stop crying all the time and get my emotions under control. Medicine isn't the same thing as a miracle, but I'm still hoping for one. 

On Wednesday night I'm taking the bus from Boston to Philadelphia to visit my family. My dad and my sister will both be home, but my brother will still be away at school when I'm there. In my little diet-obsessed brain, I'm worried that I'll eat too much of the comforting foods at home. Banana bread, tortilla chips, sugar cereals, pasta with cream sauce. I don't know how I'll be able to control myself in that environment, the place I got fat in the first place. Plus, this is the first visit home since my dad found out about my eating disorder and he'll be watching me like a hawk. If I'm caught with any suspicious behaviors, I know it's going to mean a very awkward conversation for both of us. 

I purged yesterday, and the day before that. Both days I felt under control until I ate what should have been a normal meal and freaked out. I feel the guilt start to bubble up inside me, and then I console myself with the promise that I won't keep the food down. I'll just get rid of it as soon as I find an isolated bathroom and a cup of water. And as soon as I've made that decision, I'm free to eat whatever else I might like, so long as it won't be too painful to purge. Then I quickly find my restroom, gulp a cup of water and purge. I drink water and throw up until I am only throwing up clear liquid, then I know everything in my system is gone.

Who would I be if I didn't have this food issue taking up so much of my energy? How could I possibly fill the time?

Lonely

Normally I live with 5 other girls, but last night I somehow had the entire house to myself. While some people might call that heaven, I was distraught. I turned on all the lights in the house, a movie on my computer. Then I poured a glass of wine and made a piece of toast. For the third night in a row I cried myself to sleep, overwhelmed by the loneliness. 

When I woke up at 7 this morning I walked through all the rooms of the house, looking for signs of life. No one. Turned on the shower, washed out my hair, and wailed ugly sobs to the empty house.

My time in Boston has been marked by extended periods of time spent walking the city alone. I shop and look at things, eat in cafes, listening to music and podcasts and books in my headphones. But I'm always alone. Of course everyone needs their alone time, but sometimes do much of it can be suffocating. Don't call me crazy, but I'm looking forward to when I have a husband and babies to look after, to keep me from being all alone. 

None of this is what I want right now, I want to travel and establish a career and do so many things before I settle down to raise a family. But oh, to have people I love to call my own and to come home to each day.