After I quit therapy, I panicked and wanted to start it again. So I emailed my therapist and she emailed back saying that of course I could come back if I wanted to. I emailed about appointments a few times but never got an answer. I'm so confused! Now I have a plan to see a psychiatrist. Mostly I want to see him so I can stop crying all the time and get my emotions under control. Medicine isn't the same thing as a miracle, but I'm still hoping for one.
On Wednesday night I'm taking the bus from Boston to Philadelphia to visit my family. My dad and my sister will both be home, but my brother will still be away at school when I'm there. In my little diet-obsessed brain, I'm worried that I'll eat too much of the comforting foods at home. Banana bread, tortilla chips, sugar cereals, pasta with cream sauce. I don't know how I'll be able to control myself in that environment, the place I got fat in the first place. Plus, this is the first visit home since my dad found out about my eating disorder and he'll be watching me like a hawk. If I'm caught with any suspicious behaviors, I know it's going to mean a very awkward conversation for both of us.
I purged yesterday, and the day before that. Both days I felt under control until I ate what should have been a normal meal and freaked out. I feel the guilt start to bubble up inside me, and then I console myself with the promise that I won't keep the food down. I'll just get rid of it as soon as I find an isolated bathroom and a cup of water. And as soon as I've made that decision, I'm free to eat whatever else I might like, so long as it won't be too painful to purge. Then I quickly find my restroom, gulp a cup of water and purge. I drink water and throw up until I am only throwing up clear liquid, then I know everything in my system is gone.
Who would I be if I didn't have this food issue taking up so much of my energy? How could I possibly fill the time?
That's so weird and not okay that your therapist just stopped replying to your emails. Hopefully the psychiatrist is more able to help you. Medication doesn't make everything better, but to me, it calms the symptoms to make things more manageable, and maybe a little easier to engage in therapy.
ReplyDeleteI hope the visit home went/is going well. Take care <3 xx