wake me up when this is all over!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
packing to go
packing has taken over my mind and my room and my whole day. and I'm not even close to finish. I want to go back to school, but I'm not looking forward to all the packing, moving, unpacking, and organizing. the only thing I'm looking forward to is decorating. I like to put up all my pictures on a clothes line like they do on all those pinterest and tumblr. I also have lots of maps and posters and I made some fun quote posters.
Monday, August 27, 2012
bad decision
guess who ate an entire bag of pita chips today? I did.
guess who feels terrible about herself? I do.
guess who took 5 laxies? no, really, you'll never get this one.
okay fine, it was me.
guess who feels terrible about herself? I do.
guess who took 5 laxies? no, really, you'll never get this one.
okay fine, it was me.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
19 now
well, I did it. I successfully turned 19 years old. and let me tell you, the cake has got to leave the house soon or I am going to go crazy and get fat.
for my birthday my aunt took me to dinner and to go shopping. I bought new jeans at the gap, size 8a. last time I bought pants there I was at my low weight, and I was a 4a. really shows you what a difference 20 pounds can make.
but weirdly, I don't mind being a large size. I mean, of course I'd like to be a tiny little thing and fit into size zero, but I don't. I think it's good that I'm this size now, because when I fit into a size zero I want to feel like I deserve it. it wouldn't be fair to the small girls if a huge whale like me could fit into the same jeans they could. dress sizes are things you earn, not something you can just wish for and want.
has anyone ever seen girl, interrupted? it's about a girl in a mental hospital. winona ryder is the lead, and angelina jolie plays a big role as well. I had heard good things, but had never bothered to sit down and watch it. winona ryder looks really good in it.
maybe it's because of the short hair, but her body is so androgynous, something I've always wanted to be. little and thin without much of any kind of curve. unfortunately, I've got a booty to make black girls jealous. I'd rather be like my sister, but without her big boobs.
but seriously, I want to be her. it's official. well. or maybe emmy rossum, I'd be her in a heart beat as well.
happy monday, ladies.
Monday, August 20, 2012
11 days left
my birthday is this week and so is my grandmother's, so we had lunch at ruby tuesday's today. I had a salad (60) and turkey burger sliders (400) and some of the fries I didn't know would come with my meal (100?) so not that bad, really, for a lunch out. breakfast was a fiber one bar (140) and blueberries (40) and dinner was a small helping of rice and chicken (150)
really the day was fine. except that then my aunt brought us godiva chocolate (her working there and getting 90% off is a blessing and a curse) and I had waaay too much. oh, and the crackers, and then the cream cheese, and then the ice cream. yeah. after the chocolate I pretty much just went into full on binge mode. it was gross.
so with a stomach full of junk food and guilt, I did a 10 minute jump rope work out and a 20 minute high-intensity aerobics video. then I did my usual hour of biking with a few hills thrown in. that all, plus a half hour of power walking with the dog, added up to around 600 calories burned. my stomach was perfectly cold, telling me some of the chocolate was being burned off for good. thank goodness for that.
that was the bad part of today. the good part was that I woke up to 153.6 on the scale this morning, which was really nice to see. I'm trying for 150 flat on my birthday on friday. the other good news is that I have 3 interviews lined up for jobs and interviews once I get back to Boston. I really need some of these to work out so I can make some money for europe. otherwise I will have to borrow money, which I don't want to do at all.
and! I finally got some brown leather ankle boots. I've been wanting a pair for a month now. my grandmother was a darling and got them for my birthday. what a sweetheart <3
more randomness-
blogs I'm obsessed with right now:
just some new things for you to read, since I'm sure you don't get enough time on the internet ;P
challenge day 23-
how did the media play into your weight loss?
well I don't know how to answer this. I mean, of course it did, I don't know how any modern girl wouldn't be affected by the media. but I can't point to anything specific and say that one actress or model made me want to be thin. but one thing I can say is, I want to be in the media when I grow up and being thin will definitely help my career path.
ps
missinsanity, I miss you. come back to blogging and my life.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
dumb dinner time
okay. blogosphere, you need to cheer up. seriously girls, you control your destiny. a ton of people here have been super down on themselves and saying some honestly scary things. I know you feel that way now, but you need to find a way to be happy about being alive. I'm not saying this in judgement, goodness knows with all that I write that I could never do that. but I am saying this as a fellow weight-obsessed girl, blogger, and human being. please, do something in the direction of being okay.
anyway.
I'm home from the beach. and all the skinny people and the horrible rest stop food. I had two good days in a row if you don't count the times we stopped at a rest area for dinner. first reason- we ate at like 8 at night (how do people eat that late normally? some of my friends do that, but I get far too hungry to wait until then.) second reason- first we had pizza then we had wendy's. I had a grilled chicken sandwich that I thought was going to be around 400 calories. wrong. it was 550. moral of this story- check the nutrition before you eat everything.
super skinny red-head ballerina was at the beach again. she is so sweet, but it's almost hard to see her. she eats like nothing and is so small, which I admire, but also freaks me out. I want to be small, but never that small. she also has a ton of freckles which she compares to mine, but it always feels like we're comparing the fatness of our wrists. and she always wins.
I've been making an obsessive amount of lists these past few days. lists of things to do, to buy, to read, to write, to eat, to not eat, to list. it's getting a bit much. I need to find a way to do just one or two lists. #virgoproblems
guys, my birthday is in less than a week! how exciting! I want to do something and not be a loser, but I don't think that's gonna happen. so I'm just gonna try and make the best of it and have lunch with my grandparents. haha I'm such a wild teenager.
okay. gotta go make more lists. bye.
anyway.
I'm home from the beach. and all the skinny people and the horrible rest stop food. I had two good days in a row if you don't count the times we stopped at a rest area for dinner. first reason- we ate at like 8 at night (how do people eat that late normally? some of my friends do that, but I get far too hungry to wait until then.) second reason- first we had pizza then we had wendy's. I had a grilled chicken sandwich that I thought was going to be around 400 calories. wrong. it was 550. moral of this story- check the nutrition before you eat everything.
super skinny red-head ballerina was at the beach again. she is so sweet, but it's almost hard to see her. she eats like nothing and is so small, which I admire, but also freaks me out. I want to be small, but never that small. she also has a ton of freckles which she compares to mine, but it always feels like we're comparing the fatness of our wrists. and she always wins.
I've been making an obsessive amount of lists these past few days. lists of things to do, to buy, to read, to write, to eat, to not eat, to list. it's getting a bit much. I need to find a way to do just one or two lists. #virgoproblems
guys, my birthday is in less than a week! how exciting! I want to do something and not be a loser, but I don't think that's gonna happen. so I'm just gonna try and make the best of it and have lunch with my grandparents. haha I'm such a wild teenager.
okay. gotta go make more lists. bye.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
bathing suit trauma
we went to target to buy a few things... 300 dollars later, we leave the store. my dad calls it the "target tax."
and we're off to the beach tonight, where I can wear a one piece and my skinny cousins will wear bikinis. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately, but bikinis know how to get me down.
promise to post again when I come home.
and we're off to the beach tonight, where I can wear a one piece and my skinny cousins will wear bikinis. I've been feeling a lot more positive lately, but bikinis know how to get me down.
promise to post again when I come home.
and don't forget! be kind to yourself today!
Friday, August 17, 2012
visiting and blogging
proudly I can tell you that I am having far fewer cravings and junk food problems. I went to visit my friend and ate about half of everything given to me.
R
b-oatcakes
l-sandwich and chips
d- chili con carne
F
b- oatcakes
l- 1/3 cup ice cream
d- vegetable & rice stir-fry
s-pretzel thins
okay. so not the most nutrition, but I am keeping the portions small and exercising a lot. I really want to be solidly in the 150's when I'm dropped off at school on september first.
I've also been crossing lots of things off my to-do list, which is really nice. each night I make a list of things to do the next day and try to stick to it best I can. it's actually a really satisfying way to organize the day. I've always been a list person, but lately, the lists are really going well.
only thing I don't like is my shopping list. there's so much on it and not much money to cross the things off. hum bug.
the friend I saw, the one I mentioned is going away to Scotland, is leaving in only two weeks. I'm vary sad that she'll be so far off, but excited that she gets to have such an amazing experience. we have plans to meet up in the spring when I'll be studying abroad in the netherlands. we talk about going to paris together, but I'd also like to go to munich or berlin or something with her. she's the best person I know to go to a museum with; she has amazing takes on things and really witty commentary.
who likes blog lovin'? I just started using it to follow more exercise and recipe blogs, and it's lots of fun. I think I want to make another, more public blog, one that my family and friends can read. I'd like to post links to my favorite recipes and workouts and all the pretty things I buy and make. but maybe I'll wait until I'm at a lower weight, one where I'm not embarrassed to post pictures of myself.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
upbeat
almost a good day. the calorie limit was 500, but that is clearly too low for a normal person, so I didn't make it. I don't hate myself for not making it, but I still wish I could have.
b- egg whites (75)
l- greek yogurt and wheat germ (190)
d- apple and popsicle (106)
s- fiber one bar (140)
cheat- tortilla chips with barbeque sauce (230)
my sister says I'm weird because I don't like salsa. I like to dip my chips in barbeque sauce. I know it's not as healthy, but I never have more than a teaspoon, I swear.
but the exercise was great. I did a half an hour of jump rope and jumping aerobics, which had me dripping in sweat. seriously. it was disgusting (...disgustingly awesome!) half an hour doesn't sund like much, but according to my fitness app, it burned 310 calories. I was jumping around in my garage and the little neighbor boy was staring at me, very confused. after all that I went for a short bike ride (-55), mostly to enjoy the wind in my hot face. biking is a great cool down in that way. so the net calories today are 377, which makes me very happy.
I'm going to see a friend tomorrow who is very shy but very smart. I love her, so I'm sad that she's chosen a university all the way in Scotland. it's called St. Andrew's, and she told me it's where Prince William and Princess Kate went to school. which is pretty cool if you ask me.
I also finally finished another post for my father's website. It was one of the most research intensive, I think I have like 10 sources on the dumb 500 word article. but whatever. I also applied for an internship today and scheduled 2 interviews for jobs at my school. I am not going to be poor this fall. I am going to get a job, if not two jobs, and be the most productive and financially stable person ever. I can do this without relying on my father for everything. I know I can.
okay, this post is getting boring. so here's some pretty pictures:
b- egg whites (75)
l- greek yogurt and wheat germ (190)
d- apple and popsicle (106)
s- fiber one bar (140)
cheat- tortilla chips with barbeque sauce (230)
my sister says I'm weird because I don't like salsa. I like to dip my chips in barbeque sauce. I know it's not as healthy, but I never have more than a teaspoon, I swear.
but the exercise was great. I did a half an hour of jump rope and jumping aerobics, which had me dripping in sweat. seriously. it was disgusting (...disgustingly awesome!) half an hour doesn't sund like much, but according to my fitness app, it burned 310 calories. I was jumping around in my garage and the little neighbor boy was staring at me, very confused. after all that I went for a short bike ride (-55), mostly to enjoy the wind in my hot face. biking is a great cool down in that way. so the net calories today are 377, which makes me very happy.
I'm going to see a friend tomorrow who is very shy but very smart. I love her, so I'm sad that she's chosen a university all the way in Scotland. it's called St. Andrew's, and she told me it's where Prince William and Princess Kate went to school. which is pretty cool if you ask me.
I also finally finished another post for my father's website. It was one of the most research intensive, I think I have like 10 sources on the dumb 500 word article. but whatever. I also applied for an internship today and scheduled 2 interviews for jobs at my school. I am not going to be poor this fall. I am going to get a job, if not two jobs, and be the most productive and financially stable person ever. I can do this without relying on my father for everything. I know I can.
okay, this post is getting boring. so here's some pretty pictures:
cheers to a good tomorrow,
jax
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
double
I went for a long power walk with the dog this morning, an hour with many hills. I had planned on a run, but then it was so muggy I wimped out.
my diet was okay, but I did have some junk. I'm just glad I ate nothing after 6pm.
then I did the nightly bike ritual of listening to an hour long program while I bike long rambling circles around the neighborhood. I hope the double cardio pays off.
day 22- lowest weight and the reason you gained
I was at 134 last august (that makes me so depressed) and then I went to college. I actually got down further briefly. I was somewhere between 127 and 130 for like 2 weeks. and then I got really home sick and started binging with no control. I gained until I got to 150 by the end of the year. I then added another 10 in may and june, just because I was home all day and feeling lonely and sad. I started losing again in july, and now I'm at 154.
my diet was okay, but I did have some junk. I'm just glad I ate nothing after 6pm.
then I did the nightly bike ritual of listening to an hour long program while I bike long rambling circles around the neighborhood. I hope the double cardio pays off.
day 22- lowest weight and the reason you gained
I was at 134 last august (that makes me so depressed) and then I went to college. I actually got down further briefly. I was somewhere between 127 and 130 for like 2 weeks. and then I got really home sick and started binging with no control. I gained until I got to 150 by the end of the year. I then added another 10 in may and june, just because I was home all day and feeling lonely and sad. I started losing again in july, and now I'm at 154.
Monday, August 13, 2012
nap time
I visited my grandparents today with my dad. I always love to see them, but this time it was sad. my grandfather is reaching the end, his lungs are failing and he seems quiet and more withdrawn. for 85, I think he is the cutest old man ever. technically we aren't related, but he is the only grandpa I ever had. I really hope he makes it to 86 next may.
after the visit we went to a cow poo stinking farmer's grocery. I chose items for a killer salad, plus some yummy fruits for the rest of the week. I like going to smaller groceries, it feels like we're being healthier and somehow helping the town a bit more.
but then I had a four hour nap. yes, a four hour nap. I fell asleep at 1pm and then woke up at 5, angry that I had fallen asleep and wasted the day. at least I didn't eat an afternoon snack, though. I guess.
as I said in the last post, I was going to try and give myself one bad thing per day to try to halt the binge problem. today it was chocolate chips cookies. I wish I would have gone for something less fatty, but hey. maybe tomorrow will be better. I didn't do any pilates either, I only did my hour long light bike ride.
I need to find a better cardio. I don't push myself enough biking. I know I should run, get started on the 5k thing, but I really don't feel like it. isn't that a terrible excuse? but I don't want to... so I need to find something else. maybe jump rope? I guess I could do that in the basement or the garage or something. idk, but I need something new. I can't wait for school so I can add the elliptical to whatever else I choose to do!
after the visit we went to a cow poo stinking farmer's grocery. I chose items for a killer salad, plus some yummy fruits for the rest of the week. I like going to smaller groceries, it feels like we're being healthier and somehow helping the town a bit more.
but then I had a four hour nap. yes, a four hour nap. I fell asleep at 1pm and then woke up at 5, angry that I had fallen asleep and wasted the day. at least I didn't eat an afternoon snack, though. I guess.
as I said in the last post, I was going to try and give myself one bad thing per day to try to halt the binge problem. today it was chocolate chips cookies. I wish I would have gone for something less fatty, but hey. maybe tomorrow will be better. I didn't do any pilates either, I only did my hour long light bike ride.
I need to find a better cardio. I don't push myself enough biking. I know I should run, get started on the 5k thing, but I really don't feel like it. isn't that a terrible excuse? but I don't want to... so I need to find something else. maybe jump rope? I guess I could do that in the basement or the garage or something. idk, but I need something new. I can't wait for school so I can add the elliptical to whatever else I choose to do!
day 21- clothing sizes
I actually don't know many of them right now. but here are rough guesses:
t-shirt M
bra- 36B
jeans- 8? 10?
dress- 10?
Sunday, August 12, 2012
update
four of us had a mini sorority reunion party last night. they all had water ice and pina coladas, and I was good and had water. what was worse is the one girl (who is skinny) was saying how she lost ten pounds this summer. I've only lost six. grr
but don't worry, no cause for alarm, because I did mess up my good behavior from yesterday with a binge today. I had half the container of cookies today because I just couldn't stop my hands from stuffing my mouth. I am such a pig. I'll most likely be up a pound.
I also got the haircut yesterday, even though I wasn't at my goal. wanna see?
I've decided all this flitting back and forth between good days and bad days is doing me no good (obviously) so I'm going for a more level-headed approach of one bad item each day so that I'm less likely to have a full binge. so I can choose if I want carbs with dinner, ice cream after lunch, chips with my sister while we watch dumb reality shows, or whatever else.
also, I'd like to start training for a 5k. I don't know which 5k, but there ought to be a zillion in Boston this fall. I did a 10k last year, but I know my endurance isn't up to that after not having run all spring and summer.
forgot about my challenge... oops :/
day 20- favorite diet
my favorite diet is the one I'm on right now, which is the surge diet. it incorporates a ton of exercise and isn't in the starving range for calories. I did SGD a lot last year, but it wasn't really working for me. I was too hungry by the end of week 1 I'd always up the intake which isn't really the point of diets.
but don't worry, no cause for alarm, because I did mess up my good behavior from yesterday with a binge today. I had half the container of cookies today because I just couldn't stop my hands from stuffing my mouth. I am such a pig. I'll most likely be up a pound.
I also got the haircut yesterday, even though I wasn't at my goal. wanna see?
the shirt is my new letters that I ordered. i'm excited to have pretty things to wear during rush! (sorry to all of you who don't like greek stuff, I can't help it :/ )
I've decided all this flitting back and forth between good days and bad days is doing me no good (obviously) so I'm going for a more level-headed approach of one bad item each day so that I'm less likely to have a full binge. so I can choose if I want carbs with dinner, ice cream after lunch, chips with my sister while we watch dumb reality shows, or whatever else.
also, I'd like to start training for a 5k. I don't know which 5k, but there ought to be a zillion in Boston this fall. I did a 10k last year, but I know my endurance isn't up to that after not having run all spring and summer.
forgot about my challenge... oops :/
day 20- favorite diet
my favorite diet is the one I'm on right now, which is the surge diet. it incorporates a ton of exercise and isn't in the starving range for calories. I did SGD a lot last year, but it wasn't really working for me. I was too hungry by the end of week 1 I'd always up the intake which isn't really the point of diets.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
organizing
all I seem to be doing is moving crap from one place to another. I like to be clean, but let's get real. bleh
but at least I conquered food today. no binge, no problem. also, did yoga during project runway. I don't normally do yoga, so I did an easy and repetitive routine. I think my legs already feel a little bit more flexible.
Tomorrow I want to do weights and a short run. and hopefully more job apps. HATE doing that. It's so degrading (maybe not everyone feels this way, but I feel that way.)
Get some sleep tonight, beautiful girls.
but at least I conquered food today. no binge, no problem. also, did yoga during project runway. I don't normally do yoga, so I did an easy and repetitive routine. I think my legs already feel a little bit more flexible.
Tomorrow I want to do weights and a short run. and hopefully more job apps. HATE doing that. It's so degrading (maybe not everyone feels this way, but I feel that way.)
Get some sleep tonight, beautiful girls.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
lack luster
I binged again when I swore I wouldn't. I ate all the fudge out of the ice cream, which is going to make the next person who wants ice cream real angry.
and for breakfast? we went to a place called piggy's. yeah. piggy's. meaning nothing healthy on the menu. I had eggs and toast, but fell to the seduction of the home fries and the fresh warm mini blueberry muffins. oh, it was so good! but I felt so bad afterwards.
in typical jackie fashion, I've done nothing to fix breakfast or the binge. after driving home in traffic, I've been reading magazines and surfing the internet all afternoon. I plan on biking later, when it's cool. and then probably some pilates videos after that. sigh. I am not in the mood for exercise.
I need some inspiration.
oh, and I'd feel bad if I left out that it's my mum's 51st birthday. I bet she'd want me to leave out the 51 part. she'd say something like "anniversary of my 39th." Happy Birthday, Mom.
and for breakfast? we went to a place called piggy's. yeah. piggy's. meaning nothing healthy on the menu. I had eggs and toast, but fell to the seduction of the home fries and the fresh warm mini blueberry muffins. oh, it was so good! but I felt so bad afterwards.
in typical jackie fashion, I've done nothing to fix breakfast or the binge. after driving home in traffic, I've been reading magazines and surfing the internet all afternoon. I plan on biking later, when it's cool. and then probably some pilates videos after that. sigh. I am not in the mood for exercise.
I need some inspiration.
oh, and I'd feel bad if I left out that it's my mum's 51st birthday. I bet she'd want me to leave out the 51 part. she'd say something like "anniversary of my 39th." Happy Birthday, Mom.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
and I hate my thighs
I ate like crap today and basically lay around the mountain house with a huge headache. why can't watching tv burn calories?
ps- I'm stealing the scale so I can have two for home. hehe :)
ps- I'm stealing the scale so I can have two for home. hehe :)
Monday, August 6, 2012
boo, you whore
eh heh eh heh... I'm sick.
total headache nightmare and an ugly rasping cough. gross.
and because I am very stupid, I biked hills in the glaring sun for almost an hour. when I came home I had to take painkillers and lie down for a while. and then I ruined my hard work by eating left over movie theater popcorn. yuck.
we had seen the movie total recall last night, and it was weird. if you like action-y mind fuck-y things, you'd like it, but it was not for me. and I had popcorn. mistake mistake mistake!
total headache nightmare and an ugly rasping cough. gross.
and because I am very stupid, I biked hills in the glaring sun for almost an hour. when I came home I had to take painkillers and lie down for a while. and then I ruined my hard work by eating left over movie theater popcorn. yuck.
we had seen the movie total recall last night, and it was weird. if you like action-y mind fuck-y things, you'd like it, but it was not for me. and I had popcorn. mistake mistake mistake!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
august 4
went to the beach with my friends yesterday. it was nice to act like a normal teenager for a little while.
b- eggs, granola, grapefruit juice
l- half a chicken salad sandwich
s- fiber bar
d- half a caesar wrap
s- vodka, cranberry juice, ice tea, rum
so, as you can see, most of my calories were alcohol. which is just dumb, I really shouldn't have drunk anything. I should have just gone home and slept off my sunburn.
something weird but kind of wonderful has been happening lately. I eat like half a portion and then I feel uncomfortably full. I had to take two laxies yesterday after only half my dinner. I knew it wasn't a ton of food, but I just felt so full I had to take some.
I have two internship offers for the fall, which is nice. I don't know which one I'd like to take. but it feels good to have an option. I'd also really like to have a side job, where I can go and not eat and make money. the roots of my problem lie in having too much time to eat, I think.
day 18- weakness food
I have like a zillion. chips, ice cream, chocolate, cream cheese, granola bars, popcorn, fries, fried chicken, pretzels, crackers, pizza, peanut butter, pasta, cream sauce, fried shrimp, gummy bears, and probably a bunch of other things. I have a problem of loving junk food far too much.
day 19- last time you ate fast food
last week, when my dad brought home chick-fil-a when it was becoming a scandal. he was being a dumb ass but I should have controlled myself more. I had one of the chicken strips, which is 125 calories and a million grams of fat.
b- eggs, granola, grapefruit juice
l- half a chicken salad sandwich
s- fiber bar
d- half a caesar wrap
s- vodka, cranberry juice, ice tea, rum
so, as you can see, most of my calories were alcohol. which is just dumb, I really shouldn't have drunk anything. I should have just gone home and slept off my sunburn.
something weird but kind of wonderful has been happening lately. I eat like half a portion and then I feel uncomfortably full. I had to take two laxies yesterday after only half my dinner. I knew it wasn't a ton of food, but I just felt so full I had to take some.
I have two internship offers for the fall, which is nice. I don't know which one I'd like to take. but it feels good to have an option. I'd also really like to have a side job, where I can go and not eat and make money. the roots of my problem lie in having too much time to eat, I think.
day 18- weakness food
I have like a zillion. chips, ice cream, chocolate, cream cheese, granola bars, popcorn, fries, fried chicken, pretzels, crackers, pizza, peanut butter, pasta, cream sauce, fried shrimp, gummy bears, and probably a bunch of other things. I have a problem of loving junk food far too much.
day 19- last time you ate fast food
last week, when my dad brought home chick-fil-a when it was becoming a scandal. he was being a dumb ass but I should have controlled myself more. I had one of the chicken strips, which is 125 calories and a million grams of fat.
Friday, August 3, 2012
switcheroo
I told myself I wouldn't get a haircut until I was comfortably under 150. I scheduled the haircut for next saturday, the 11th. I'm still bouncing between 151 and 153, but if I commit myself to the week I think I can do this. If I don't get it done, I'll just do 2 hours pilates on the day of the haircut. sounds like a fair deal to me.
I spent the day reorganizing and packing up my stuff. I'm switching rooms with my sister this week, something I'm not excited for. we moved into this house when I was 4, and my mom picked out the room for me. she painted it periwinkle and picked out pretty white furniture for me. (you know, besides being fat, I think I turned out just the way she wanted me to, girly and feminine with classic sense of style. she was too loud and too strong willed to be the polite, quiet, ladylike woman she wanted to be, and I think she was hoping I'd grow up to be like her vision. I fit that, mostly.) then I carefully picked out decorations, creating my oasis where I spend a great deal of time. I painted it a darker, but still pretty, purple when I felt I had grown out of the periwinkle at 16.
my sister wants my room because it is bigger and there is a built in desk (that my father did for my 12th birthday.) she's been asking me since last summer, her argument that I'm away at college so she deserves my room. but I am home for about 5 1/2 months of the year, and besides, it is my room. but I feel bad that she's been wanting it for so long, and I feel like it's the right thing to do, even if I'm not emotionally okay with it. my father doesn't want me to, saying that I'll regret giving away my room. I think he just doesn't want to help us move all the furniture.
day 16- when did you decide to lose weight?
haha I have no idea. maybe since I first noticed I was fat, which was maybe around the time I was nine. I only started dieting and all that since I was around 13. this time round though, I recommitted to looking passably small in mid july.
day 17- do you have an eating disorder?
no, I don't think so. but I do have a very emotional relationship with food which I wish I could change.
I spent the day reorganizing and packing up my stuff. I'm switching rooms with my sister this week, something I'm not excited for. we moved into this house when I was 4, and my mom picked out the room for me. she painted it periwinkle and picked out pretty white furniture for me. (you know, besides being fat, I think I turned out just the way she wanted me to, girly and feminine with classic sense of style. she was too loud and too strong willed to be the polite, quiet, ladylike woman she wanted to be, and I think she was hoping I'd grow up to be like her vision. I fit that, mostly.) then I carefully picked out decorations, creating my oasis where I spend a great deal of time. I painted it a darker, but still pretty, purple when I felt I had grown out of the periwinkle at 16.
my sister wants my room because it is bigger and there is a built in desk (that my father did for my 12th birthday.) she's been asking me since last summer, her argument that I'm away at college so she deserves my room. but I am home for about 5 1/2 months of the year, and besides, it is my room. but I feel bad that she's been wanting it for so long, and I feel like it's the right thing to do, even if I'm not emotionally okay with it. my father doesn't want me to, saying that I'll regret giving away my room. I think he just doesn't want to help us move all the furniture.
day 16- when did you decide to lose weight?
haha I have no idea. maybe since I first noticed I was fat, which was maybe around the time I was nine. I only started dieting and all that since I was around 13. this time round though, I recommitted to looking passably small in mid july.
day 17- do you have an eating disorder?
no, I don't think so. but I do have a very emotional relationship with food which I wish I could change.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
passport and panic
say it with me... August will be my month.
I went to get my passport today and then to go grocery shopping. the lady was totally mean to me, treated me like a complete idiot. I hate that type of person.
after checking the state of my finances on my phone, I decided I couldn't afford the groceries. I started sobbing and tail-spinning, getting more and more upset. I drove straight home and drank like a gallon of water to calm down.
then I called my university to talk about switching majors. journalism scares me, so I'm switching to marketing. they basically told me it's hopeless and I tried really hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying. I don't think I fooled anyone.
I cried for a long time and my dad made me a turkey burger. (I'm kind of obsessed with them lately...)
the one thing I can say I'm proud of today (cause let's face it, I was a mess. and I didn't even eat well.) is that I made a gigantic list of all the restaurants and shops I could think of in Boston with their phone numbers. tomorrow I plan on calling until I find a job. I need a job. I don't think I can feel okay about myself until I do.
also- if you're a blogilates fan, go print out the august workout plan! it's real cute and organized.
peace.
I went to get my passport today and then to go grocery shopping. the lady was totally mean to me, treated me like a complete idiot. I hate that type of person.
after checking the state of my finances on my phone, I decided I couldn't afford the groceries. I started sobbing and tail-spinning, getting more and more upset. I drove straight home and drank like a gallon of water to calm down.
then I called my university to talk about switching majors. journalism scares me, so I'm switching to marketing. they basically told me it's hopeless and I tried really hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying. I don't think I fooled anyone.
I cried for a long time and my dad made me a turkey burger. (I'm kind of obsessed with them lately...)
the one thing I can say I'm proud of today (cause let's face it, I was a mess. and I didn't even eat well.) is that I made a gigantic list of all the restaurants and shops I could think of in Boston with their phone numbers. tomorrow I plan on calling until I find a job. I need a job. I don't think I can feel okay about myself until I do.
also- if you're a blogilates fan, go print out the august workout plan! it's real cute and organized.
peace.
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