hurting

binge. ew.

I have been crying for like two days straight and I cannot function anymore.

please, somebody save me.

btw, I've been 133 for two days now. that'll go up tomorrow. yay.

hopefully 132 by friday (please?)

two days of full-on restricting and I'm dying. ugh... ana, I hate you. I guess it's a good thing for my goals, but the voice telling me not to eat is yelling really loud. and when I eat even small things like grapefruit or zero fat yogurt i feel guilty. I need to eat tomorrow. And I need to find a more balance diet plan. This whole 1500 calories one day and about 100 for the next three is really not working.

I have, however, found a good work out mojo. I've upped my endurance running-wise and I can feel my arms and abs getting stronger. I'm doing the workouts from the two most recent 17 magazines plus track. Hopefully I can keep it up.

thanks for sticking with me through these ups and downs, girls. you keep me strong <3

xxJackie

Pressure

So I've been going out with Boy for like 3 weeks I guess. And not even really going out but we're like involved so whatever. 3 weeks for all intents and purposes.

anyways. I'm in theater club and we do these student written one scene plays as a part of our spring festival. I wrote one two years ago and I'm always an actress. This year I got assigned to a play called "A Practice Proposal" and guess who's playing opposite me? Boy. can you say pressure? it's like, if I do it too serious or I seem like I like the play then I'm a clingy romantic crazy girl but if I laugh it off too much I might insult him by making him think that I find the idea of marrying him completely repulsive. I can't win. Can you tell I'm over thinking this?

Also, Boy got me this fancy chocolate for Easter. like, um, wtf? Was I supposed to know about this Easter gift exchange? ugh... pressure pressure pressure. I think the two of us have very different perceptions of casual high school dating....

I ate a strawberry for breakfast and 100 calories worth of pretzels for lunch and I'm trying to avoid dinner and all the chocolate that is around the house. With today's running and jump rope I think it'll be a negative day. horay! I need one after all the weight I've been gaining in the past week.

Hope you all had a lovely Easter!

Jackie

Hockey Games

I went over C's last night for dinner. I met his parents and they were super nice. And they seem like the type that are still happy together and will always be happy together. That's really nice. But it also means he doesn't understand what it's like to come from a background of just one parent and then a volatile house split down the middle with fighting. How could he possibly understand who that's made me?

His family is really into hockey so after dinner we watched the game. I went to the basement to watch with C and his parents went upstairs. Another thing about C- I had no idea how wealthy he is. I mean, I knew he was rich, but he is seriously rich. His house is enormous and decorated really beautifully. Everything just looks like it's dripping in money. So we watched the game downstairs in the "theater" which had 2 rows of plush red leather couches, that cool industrial lighting you see in films, signed movie posters, and a (I kid you not) 72 inch television. I was speechless. who the heck has this kind of money? it blows my mind.

So anyway, the hockey game. I know nothing about hockey, but as it ended up, that didn't really matter. We played a nice game of tonsil hockey instead ;) I have never made out before, and it was kinda weird... but really fun at the same time. I let him go further than I ever thought I would let a high school boy, and it kinda surprised me that he wanted to. He's this tall, muscle-y, hot guy and I'm short and pudgy and pretty average looking, if not ugly. (and sorry if this is tmi) I let his hand go up my shirt and wander over my butt and down my thighs. I'm fat. why the heck is he even interested? I don't know... I guess I'm just happy he likes me cause I like him a lot. I was so afraid the whole time of him being like "gosh, you're heavy!" whenever I was on top. I know that both of us had a good time fooling around, I just wish I looked better.

okay. my promiscuous paragraph is over. you can uncover your eyes now. lol sorry if I give too much detail where no one wants to know. I have no idea of the blog etiquette for this situation.

I need to lose weight, girls. No more 'fuck it' days. I want to feel like I deserve this. And his filthy rich family has a pool. yes, a pool. Which means swim suits. Which mean I better not have jiggle thighs and fat stomach. SGD is sort of failing. And I've been gaining the past few days. I was a 132 on monday and now I'm back up to 135. I guess I can't expect to keep weight off that I lost so quickly when I'm eating only crap. I need to get back under control. I think I'm going to go on the search for a new diet. any suggestions?

Lots of love to all!
xx Jackie

it's a thinspo kinda morning

NYC

Went to New York City today.
It was so inspiring to be among the high class skinnies. I love 5th avenue and times square. I think heaven looks a lot like Manhattan. I saw this girl crossing the street and I almost died. She literally stopped traffic. Skinny tan legs, classy pumps, cute little mini dress that showed off her flat stomach and hipbones. Oh god, I want to be her. Wit her perfect hair and sunglasses and that model stalk she had down to a tee. Iloveher<3

the good: we walked a good 50 blocks today. And were standing for most of the day. so lots of burn, however slow it was.
the bad: freaking NY pizza and the m&m's purchased at m&m world
the ugly: my renewed sunburn. I made it worse (if possible) today while standing in line for Ellis Island next to the French family and the obese British woman for 3 long hours. funny story- we spent nearly four hours at battery park waiting to see lady liberty and we didn't even get to go on the boat. I hate my Dad's planning skills.

Okay. enough negativity for one day. ciao!
xxJackie

wanted: self control

day 3 of this binge. And we're going to NYC tomorrow so more crap. at least I'll walk a lot I guess.

anyway
I had a track meet today. I did alright (well, I lost everything epically but I gave my best effort. what else is new?). But I got this really terrible sunburn. I look like a lobster. not so cute.

thank you Lu for the nice comment, it made me very happy :) reading the post back it wasn't very coherent, I was really upset. I guess I was trying to come off like I didn't care about how much things sucked, but really I was freaking out about nothing. I made small things into things big enough to crush me.

hope everyone is having a nice sunny easter week! lots of love and self control to all of you!
jackie

ugly ol' me

I'm writing this now but I should have written it earlier when I was happy. Posts always turn out better when I'm in a good mood.

Boy came over for dinner and met my family. I wish my mom could have met him. I think everyone had a nice time though. I didn't eat all day so I could eat around them. I think I looked like I wasn't eating much (because I wasn't) but I made an effort at normalcy. We went out for fucking ice cream too. I hate ice cream, it's so fucking delicious.

We went out for salad and I ate half. then I ate a soft pretzel and pasta later and I was like "fuck it" and ate half the kitchen too. I hate binges! I guess it had to happen some time, though. my best guess puts today at over 1500 calories.

I hung out with M and I let slip in our fun girly chat that I was on a diet. She threw a pillow at me. She said I was skinny. ha. funny joke, M. I needed to say it out loud. "I am on a diet". fuck. I never wanted to get to this place. this place where I'm on a diet. diets are for people losing weight. and that means they're either fat or crazy enough to think they are.

And now I'm avoiding sleeping for reasons I don't understand and trying not to cry about the pictures C posted on facebook of us as kids. I'm fucking round. my first thought was, "oh God, Boy will see those". why should I care what he thinks? why shouldn't I? I don't understand anymore. I hate me. I hate who I was and how I'm not strong enough to be someone else.

I have a million other things to say tonight, but I think you guys are just about up to here with reading my rants. sorry for being me. I'm trying really hard to stop.

Babies

I met my baby cousin for the first time today. He is two weeks old and majorly adorable. I love him to bits already. His name is James and he was the cutest little yawn ever. I love babies.

I went for a run this morning. But I counteracted that good behavior with a bagel, so all is in equilibrium... :/

Part of me thinks I went for the run because I'm convinced God will only listen to me if I'm out of breath.

Hope you all had a nice Palm Sunday!
love,
Jackie