I got called down to the office from homeroom. My mean homeroom teacher told me I had gotten a detention. my mind: fuck. they finally reported me for skipping my study hall and hiding in the library all year. I hate teachers. I walk into the office and who's standing there? Boy. And he has flowers and a sign that reads "prom?". I gasped and smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck to kiss him on tippy toe. Then I looked at him and said "yes! yes, of course!" and all the secretaries in the office clapped. It was so nice. Why was I ever worried? I love boys. They are so cute sometimes.
It made me feel so happy all day. And younger girls kept asking me about it. I felt a little bit like a princess.
But being me, happiness doesn't last forever. We had a track meet at which I was terrible. And I ate 730 calories. I had a net of 414 which isn't so bad, it's under the 450 limit for today, but still. I feel bad about how much I eat.
Boy does everything right. But I still can't escape the chill of sadness that keeps creeping up my back. like for example: (side note for context: when I get cold my skin turns purple and I get orange spots. lol I'm such a white girl) me: "ugh I'm so orange!" boy: "you're beautiful"
okay. so, I've been waiting for someone to say that to me my whole life. And then someone finally says it and means it and I can't be happy. All I feel is that I need to be 118 so I can deserve this. I don't even know anymore. I'm going crazy trying to be skinnier and happier and none of it is doing me any good.
I guess the point is, I'm trying really hard to get all of this under control. I want to be the best I can be and be happy while I'm getting there.
Maybe I'll do a fruit-veggie day. nothing else. I'm going shopping for spring clothing and I'm gonna try not to cry my heart out in the dressing room.
Another random tangent-
how many of y'all are virgos? I think the perfectionist characteristics of my sign have something to do with how angry I've been getting at myself over food lately. I don't know how much I trust horoscopes but it's an interesting thought.
I'm trying to find God again. I keep trying to walk away from him, but each time I can feel him calling me back. I need to find a way to keep my life with people and my daily events in balance with my life with Him. He used to be my best friend. I want Him back as a best friend again.
okay. long post. and it was a tad random. Hope nobody is too bored of me!
lots of love to everyone starting and keeping up with diets!
Jackie xx
Lu- thank you times 10,000 for your comment. You are so good to me. I was lying in bed this morning trying organize my thoughts before I gave up and checked my email on my ipod. I read your comments and I literally sat up and smiled. I got out of bed, got a shower and turned up a really happy song. thank you. I can't wait till we both have the freedom to go live out in sunny beautiful skinny San Fransisco! And with the thinking too much thing, I totally agree. I think in order to end up like us girls do we have to have a certain degree of the over-thinking trait. We just need to learn which thoughts to listen to. thank you thank you my love, I'm so glad to have a friend in you.
Aww! That was so cute what Conner did for you! And very creative as well! That was also really sweet what he said to you, even though it only makes you happy for a short time. Maybe when you start feeling down about yourself, think of him telling you how beautiful he thinks you are =). That's awesome how you're trying to find God again- really, it is! You said that you're wanting to find balance between your life and God, but maybe it would be easier if you make God the center of your life and everything else will fall into place where it's supposed to be! Even though you keep walking away from Him, He will always be there waiting for you...patiently to come back to Him. Hope your weekend is awesome hun ♥
ReplyDeleteomg that boy is so adorable <3 we both need to work harder to be deserving of out boys huh? Don't let him go <3 just think of him as motivation to be a better person
ReplyDeleteVery, very cute indeed! I hope your prom is better than mine was! I know what you mean about all of the confusion. I'm sure you look great, but most woman have it wired in their head that they don't. A few actually decide to act on that. I think that's what keeps me coming back to restricting--I was miserable being 160 lbs and I'm about as miserable at 125. If I'm going to be miserable with myself reguardless, then why gain not try to not be miserable if I'd be even more miserable not trying? IF that makes sense haha. As for the virgin thing--I'm definitely not a virgin. But my only parter ever is my fiance Ryan whom I'm working on 3 years with.
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