fat ass

Gaining, gaining, can't stop gaining. This morning 137, 1 pound over my "healthy range." Just a few weeks ago I weighed 133, it's so soul crushing to gain weight and know that I'm moving in the opposite direction from all my goals. I really wanted to weigh 121 by my 21st birthday, but that definitely can't happen now. My birthday is in less than a month and I am failing astronomically. It's not that I'm just eating badly, making poor choices and whatever. It's that I'm choosing the wrong foods for meals and also adding thousands of calories daily with these monstrous secret binges. For example, yesterday:

• BREAKFAST peach
• practiced driving stick shift with my friend, hated myself intensely the whole time
• LUNCH very fatty mac and cheese
• SNACKwent to a movie and ate reese's pieces and gummies and diet soda
• came home from the movie and smoked with my roommate
• went out to buy binge food
• SNACK ate whole bag of chips, rest of gummies

It was probably 3,000 calories by the time I went to sleep. I know if I could only do the GM diet fully I could lose 10 pounds in a week. But I can never complete it properly because I'm surrounded by temptation. Fatty food in the restaurant, fatty foods in the store, roommate who love to order in and drink a lot of tequila and beer.

The depression is pretty bad this week. All my energy to do things that I normally love is just gone. Maybe I should quit smoking pot. It's making me too slow and hungry and sad. I love it, but I need to stop. I also wish I could quit my job but I need the money. Lately I just dread going and hate being there. I feel like I'm constantly messing up and I'm so sensitive about every tiny thing I do wrong. I've cried during the past 4 shifts.

In less than a week I'm flying to South Carolina for a vacation with my extended family on my mother's side. It just so happens that it'll be my mother's birthday while we're there. I wonder if anyone will make it a big deal, who will talk about her. It seems like no one mentions her at all anymore, she's almost completely gone now. That must be true death, when no one remembers you anymore.

Pity Party

Chatting with my dad, sitting with one leg tucked under the other on the couch. He's asking about our day trip to the beach and detailing the logistics for our up-coming camping vacation with our cousins. I look down in my lap for a moment, but my eyes stop on my thighs bulging out of my denim shorts. I'm so pale I practically glow-in-the-dark and everyone knows white makes everything look bigger, kitchens and waistlines alike. My thighs don't look like they belong to a 20-year-old, they look grotesque and way too old for me.

My stomach is a huge jiggling lump. It juts off my abdomen in the most disgusting way. Handfuls of flesh on my sides, innie belly button, rolls when I lean over. Big bubble butt, cellulite thighs, ugly wonky knees, short legs, pale too-wide feet. Fat wrists, no visible bones, fleshy forearms, pudgy childlike fingers, untoned biceps, round fat shoulders. Double chin, baby fat cheeks, The stretch marks on my hips and breasts are shameful white lines on my pale pink body, only making the fat more obvious. I am the fattest girl in the apartment, fattest member of my family, the ugliest person in every damn picture.

At the beach I spent all my time watching the people walk by and judging their bodies. The skinny girls made me jealous, the fat ones got my pity, scorn, and empathy. The kids made me wish I hadn't grown up fat. My life would be so much better, so much happier, if I hadn't been addicted to junk food, if I'd grown up pretty and likable. My personality is so bland, it's not fair that I have to look ugly too. Aren't fat girls supposed to be funny and smart? I got the worst of everything. It's so hard to keep up conversation when your head is full of self-comparisons and self-pity. There's no socially acceptable way to talk about the thoughts that plague me day in and day out.

Looking down at my thighs, I felt the chicken and diet dr pepper churn in my stomach. I excused myself from the couch to go chug a glass of water and throw up everything left in my stomach. This life is torture. 

A little self-hate for good measure

Lots of adventure in the past few weeks. I made a lot of friends and did a lot of fun things. But I've also gained. Not a ton, but enough to make me feel like absolute shit. I was maintaining 132 for a month or so, but then about 2 weeks ago I bounced back up to 135. I can tell on my body, too. I feel larger, like I'm constantly bloated. But unfortunately, feeling like shit always leads me to more binge eating. I binge maybe a third of what I eat, but I'm trying really hard to stop the purging. I need to protect my teeth and get healthy so I can move on with my freaking life.

My big goal for the year was to be 121 on my 21st birthday. That's only a little over a month away, I don't think it's going to happen. I eat way too much, smoke too much, drink too much. I don't like who I am or what I do, I need to become another person entirely. So I'm joining the Peace Corps. At least, I'm applying, I don't know if I'll actually get in. I can do some good in the world and find myself, or rather, find a better version of myself and learn how to live in that skin.

I wish I could peel away the fat like a heavy coat. This isn't me, this pudgy, ugly person. I'm a beautiful slight creature, small and worthy of love. I am just not who I'm meant to be at this size. Right now I'm a huge bulging girl, average and unattractive. I hate me so much this way.