Thursday, July 31, 2014

fat ass

Gaining, gaining, can't stop gaining. This morning 137, 1 pound over my "healthy range." Just a few weeks ago I weighed 133, it's so soul crushing to gain weight and know that I'm moving in the opposite direction from all my goals. I really wanted to weigh 121 by my 21st birthday, but that definitely can't happen now. My birthday is in less than a month and I am failing astronomically. It's not that I'm just eating badly, making poor choices and whatever. It's that I'm choosing the wrong foods for meals and also adding thousands of calories daily with these monstrous secret binges. For example, yesterday:

  • BREAKFAST peach
  • practiced driving stick shift with my friend, hated myself intensely the whole time
  • LUNCH very fatty mac and cheese
  • SNACKwent to a movie and ate reese's pieces and gummies and diet soda
  • came home from the movie and smoked with my roommate
  • went out to buy binge food
  • SNACK ate whole bag of chips, rest of gummies


It was probably 3,000 calories by the time I went to sleep. I know if I could only do the GM diet fully I could lose 10 pounds in a week. But I can never complete it properly because I'm surrounded by temptation. Fatty food in the restaurant, fatty foods in the store, roommate who love to order in and drink a lot of tequila and beer.

The depression is pretty bad this week. All my energy to do things that I normally love is just gone. Maybe I should quit smoking pot. It's making me too slow and hungry and sad. I love it, but I need to stop. I also wish I could quit my job but I need the money. Lately I just dread going and hate being there. I feel like I'm constantly messing up and I'm so sensitive about every tiny thing I do wrong. I've cried during the past 4 shifts.

In less than a week I'm flying to South Carolina for a vacation with my extended family on my mother's side. It just so happens that it'll be my mother's birthday while we're there. I wonder if anyone will make it a big deal, who will talk about her. It seems like no one mentions her at all anymore, she's almost completely gone now. That must be true death, when no one remembers you anymore.
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1 comment:

  1. BellaJuly 31, 2014 at 5:23 PM

    I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with the scales. I know it's awful when all you want to so is shrink but the scales keep going up and up. Birthday goals always suck adding so much pressure. Five years running I've never met my birthday goals. Maybe you could set a new goal, even if it's just getting the scales heading in the right direction again.

    Quitting weed's hard, but it's so worth it in the end. I've been smoking daily for maybe 4.5 years except for hospital admissions and one two-month period. There's this lingering sense of clarity, and it's so nice after smoking for so long. Plus, having the extra money is nice :)

    "That must be true death, when no one remembers you anymore."
    That reminds me of a quote I saw online a while back, something to the effect of; They say you die twice. First when you stop breathing, and again when someone says your name for the last time.

    Sending hugs and support. Try to enjoy South Carolina as much as you can, yes?

    xxBella

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