Ennui

Currently climbing my way out of a several-day-deep hole of depression. Of the last 72 hours, I spent about 40 sleeping, 12 at work, 3 having sex, and the rest binging and watching television. Is it depression thats causing this overwhelming laziness, or is the laziness making me sad? Cause that's all I feel, overwhelmingly sad. All I want is to be sleeping so I don't have to be thinking. When I'm awake and thinking (or worse, talking to people) the insecurity and the self hate grow so strong its hard not to cry. I've cried a lot in public over the past week.

There was at least 4 homework assignments due today. I've only done one of them so far and I feel like such a huge failure. But it was me, these past few days, who actively procrastinated, knowing this would happen. I can't write, I can't do the work. I just do not care about any of this.

up and down and up

After my last post I only made it a few more days before the binging started again. It's embarrassing to admit here what a failure I am. I've been eating bad foods again in large quantities all alone. And then I run the bath so my roommates won't hear me purging. They think I don't do that anymore and I wish I could live up to their expectations of me.

Each morning I wake up and either remorsefully take a stock of last night's damages or happily congratulate myself on a low intake and bounce onto the scale. One wonderful morning it actually read 131, a great number for me. But this morning it was 134, still not awful, but up over the past week. My goal right now is to see 129 or lower by October. I don't think it's completely impossible, especially if I find a little time to actually get in some exercise.

Dieting is so boring. I wish I had some better news to tell you all.

A little optimism

Somehow, by some miracle, I've been binge-free since last friday. That's 10 days! I feel so fantastic, I can't even say. This has been a plague of mine for 13 years, which, not so coincidentally, is also the number of years since my mom died. It's kind of odd to type something like that out onto this white space. I have a problem that I've been embarrassed about since I was 8 years old. I binge eat and that's the thing I hate the most about myself, and I hate a lot of things about myself. And finally that I'm feeling just a little control over this behavior is so liberating. It's like if I could solve this than I could do anything.