on the second day

b- 1/2 large potato with salt and rosemary (130)
d- soup: vegetable broth, celery, carrots, mushrooms (75)
s- fruit leather (45 cal), 2 cinnamon mints (10)

Day 2- GM diet

Today I was supposed to eat a baked potato for breakfast. But potatoes taste too starchy alone, so I only ended up eating half of it. Just before I had breakfast I weighed in, and shockingly I lost 5.5 pounds since I weighed yesterday morning. I was 144 and this morning I was 138.5. I know that's not real weight lost, it's just water or bloating or something, but it was cool to see the number drop so drastically like that. Tomorrow's weight will probably go up, today's was a little unrealistic.

Most of the day was spent in bed with a guy I met online a few months back. We've done this before and I really like him, but really only as a friend who I also have sex with. Actually, it's mostly about the sex. We have things to talk about, but we're both far more interested in the physical part of things. But as I was getting ready to say goodbye, he suggested we "do something besides lie in bed all day," by which I think he means "go on a real date." That and he whispered into my ear "I love you" while we were having sex, which I hope is just one of those things guys say when they're about to finish. As the adage goes, only time will tell.

I was really hungry by the time I left him and took the train home at 5. I ate the potato around 9am, and then had my dinner around 6:30. My one slip-up today (vegetable day) was the fruit leather. It's technically not allowed, but I don't really feel badly about it because it was one of the only things I ate today. As usual, I also had around 3 cups of tea and another pint of water as mandated by the diet.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and we're hosting a party. I really hope I don't get bullied into having champagne or anything- no alcohol allowed. And tomorrow is the day my roommate comes home. I rearranged all the furniture in our room yesterday and I hope she likes it. Personally, I think it's great, but it would suck if she didn't like it as much. Once she gets back I'm going to ask her to help me pick out curtains for the windows.

GM day 1

Today was the first day of the GM diet. Somehow, I made it from 7:30 when I woke up this morning to now on only 300 calories worth of fruit, and I didn't binge or throw up anything.

b- 1/2c rasperries

l- cantaloupe strawberry smoothie

d- grapefruit

s- 2 clementines

I also had around 4 cups of tea and probably another pint of water. I'm really proud of myself for making it through day 1 without any mistakes. Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow, which is vegetable day, un-tempted by carbs. The one weird thing is that tomorrow's breakfast is a baked potato, which definitely isn't a normal breakfast food.

As an added challenge, I'm also taking a tolerance break from smoking this week. I want to start the new year off right. New Year's Eve will be pretty hard, this diet plan doesn't allow for any alcohol and my roommates and I are hosting a NYE party. They've all been talking about champagne and which foods they want to make. That will be day 3, and I'll be allowed both fruits and vegetables. But I think by then I'll be craving carbs and rich foods like crazy and it will be really really hard not to give in to the party atmosphere and consume the things I normally do.

I really want to do this perfectly. I want to prove to myself that I can do this- just 1 week of total self-control. And if everything goes as it should, I'll hopefully lose a few pounds, too. The website says 10-17, but I think this was designed for fat old people, so I probably will lose 2-5. But even a small loss like that would be a step in the right direction.

On my birthday I set the goal to be 121 by my 21st, but I'd really like to be at that goal before it's time to start wearing summer dresses and shorts. As of this morning I weigh 144, and I don't think 23 pounds is too drastic. People have lost that much weight in a week on the Biggest Loser. 2014 will be a thinner year, I know it will be. 

tell me if I'm boring you, okay?

I purged christmas dinner in my grandmother's bathroom. That's got to be some new sort of low in my life. There are so many cookies and sweet drinks in my house, and I have almost no self-control. So I've spent a lot of time with my fingers in my mouth, and a lot of time sulking alone. That or smoking alone, I do that probably more than is acceptable.

One thing I've noticed (in the hours of self reflection that I shouldn't be indulging in- waste of time I could use to do actual useful things) is that I don't really think of losing weight when I'm purging. It's more that I just want to get the food out of me so I can stop worrying about it. It's like a compulsion just to have it gone. I think about the bottom line- the number of calories, the number on the scale- later, when I'm adding everything up at the end of the day on my iphone app.

---- On a side note, I never know how to count the calories of the food I throw up. I know that most of the carbs and sugars are digested in the mouth. And that about half the total calories are absorbed, more if you wait to purge, which I sometimes do when there's no privacy. But I figure that the protein and fat calories must not be absorbed at all if you throw them up soon enough. Whenever I count at the end of the day I count the full caloric content of all the foods and make a little note on that day's page. I need more accuracy. Some scientists should do a study and figure this out for me.

I'm leaving my home in Pennsylvania on Saturday morning to go back to my home in Boston for the new year. I've been telling all my family that was expecting me to stay that I have to go back to go to work, but that isn't true. I signed up for a zillion shifts, but I haven't been assigned to any of them. Which only makes me stress about money, and I know every time I think about all that shit I start obsessing and panicking. My dad is giving me major guilt about leaving, and it's making me realize what a selfish bitch I am. We all have to figure out who we are, and so far I'm don't like the person I'm discovering.

Today has been a little worse than I was hoping it would be.

I puked cookies and cider in the morning, then I watched a movie in the living room about lesbians and their kids with the actress Julianne Moore. I watched another movie she was in recently called What Masie Knew. The second one I mentioned is much better than the first. Masie is a sweet 5 year old girl who is caught between her selfish parents in a nasty custody battle. The whole film is from the perspective of Masie, you only see her life as spins wildly between the adults in her life.

Enough talk about movies. After all that watching, I sat thinking and playing little games on my cell phone in the same couch. Then my brother came down from his room and the dog threw up and I got high in the backyard. Then he was upstairs again and the dog was the one in the backyard and I was the one throwing up, though I doubt she was smoking, and I didn't throw up on the floor cause I was in the powder room.

But rewind a little. There was a moment between smoking and binging on all the christmas cookies that I loved. I was sitting on the porch, looking out at the hills and the other homes in my neighborhood and it didn't feel cold in the sun. I love the sunshine, even if it is this thin light that filters in on december days. As I was sitting I kept myself perfectly posed; spine straight, shoulders back, stomach in, chin up. Regal. Beautiful.

Then I was eating everything inside in the kitchen. I was a creature all along, I was never beautiful in the sun. I have always been and will always be this thing that stuffs itself with everything in reach. Food, alcohol, drugs, posessions, attention, information, hate, experiences, extremes, pride. I want it and I don't know how to stop wanting or consuming it with abandon. I need someone to save me from this humiliating cycle. And hopefully before I spend all my father's money on binge foods.

As I was typing out a story I was thinking of, I ate several servings of pita chips and apple cider and threw that up as well, this time in the toilet in the basement. Last time I was down there to purge, it was popcorn and it hurt like hell. 

real life is too hard

I wish I had someone to cry to right now. I have lots of friends that would gladly listen, but if I told anyone anything, I know I'd just feel like I was unloading on them. And I really don't want that kind of relationship with anyone.

My dad and I are fighting. I know partly it's because I'm spending too much money, and he feels like he's being walked over. And because I'm not as fun as I used to be. But mostly it's because I'm leaving on Saturday to go back to the city. I want to be with my friends and have my life. I want to work and do things productive with my life.

Basically it's a fight for my independence, but I don't have the resources to be independent yet. I can't work full time with while doing school, and without money I can't buy food or pay rent and bills or buy things for myself. So I'm relying on my dad, but all I want in the world is to be independent.

I spent over an hour calculating what it would cost to keep up my lifestyle. It's more than I can afford. I eat (read: binge/purge) far too much food, I spend too much on clothing and music, and it would cost me more than I currently have in my bank account just to pay for my own cell phone bill. I would need to cut down on a lot of things, and I'm not sure I'm enough of an angel that I could do it without complaining and messing up all the time. I'd end up in credit card debt pretty quickly, I'm sure.

I need to be dependent a little while longer, I'm not ready to be on my own yet. But I'm too selfish and impatient to be a good daughter to my dad right now.

Part of me wants to blame this on my inability to manage even my own eating (I've thrown up 5 times in the 3 days I've been here) and my emotions about that. Writing this all down I'm having a little miniature panic attack. I'm just trying to remember that I can take it all one day at a time.

I can fix this, I can be a successful person. I can be independent, strong, kind, beautiful, and achieve everything I want. I just need to focus work hard enough to get there.

sing me a song

They say home is where the heart is. I guess my home has moved. I'll always love my little town in Pennsylvania, and I'll always want to come back to visit and see my family and childhood friends. But now, I'm yearning to be back in Boston where my new friends are. I feel like they know a much truer version of me than the people here, and it's difficult to keep lying like this.

It's december and there is still snow on the ground, but it's 68 degrees outside. I love it. I know it's not exactly festive for christmas, but I much prefer the warm weather. Last night I went on a walk with my friend. It was nice to be able to walk without heavy coats or seeing our breath in the air. 

He's a guy I've always been in love with, and I think part of me will always be in love with him. Last night he said that he knew I liked him in high school, and apologized for anything he might have done to hurt me. He also told me that his mom always asks why he doesn't date me, I laughed and said I'd date him just to be friends with his mom. Nice of him to say all those things, and I'm glad we were honest with each other. And I was honest when he asked me if I'm still having problems with depression and eating, etc. I told him honestly that I throw up a large portion of what I eat everyday, and he kept offering to work out with me. (As if!! I could never let him see me all sweaty and disgusting.)

We talked about [sex, love, dating, drugs, alcohol, school work, politics, philosophy, foreign affairs, frat life, city life, future plans] everything. I think I could marry him. Not that we wouldn't have issues, everyone does. But we could have a lovely life, if only he weren't in the military. Oh well. 

and beyonce has a new album

I love these boots, and boots like them, but my legs and ankles are just way too fat for them to ever look good. I think I need to lose at least 20 pounds within the next two months. Which is doable, if I stop binging on stupid shit everyday. Yesterday pasta, today pizza. It's never ending italian into my mouth and then out the same way. talk about disgusting. 

I talked to a therapist yesterday. It was really helpful to say out loud and without pressure what's been bothering me. To be honest about the fact that I've been on one long miserable cyclical diet since I was 16. That is so sad. 

Today was a wonderful day of last exams (at least its over,) shopping, and opening christmas gifts. I still haven't showered, but at least I'm warm and at home. I love my roommies, it was so nice to spend the day with them. 

red eyes, white hands

I had an early exam, one I completed perfectly and turned in quickly. Before the test I ate an apple and a piece of peanut butter toast. I went home afterwards where I smoked and called my dad. He rambled for 15 minutes and I spent twice that amount of time standing in the hot shower, occasionally wondering how much water I was wasting.

Then I drank a large cup of cocoa and ate 17 triscuts and too many pretzel sticks. I woke up from my nap three hours later full and regretful, but I didn't throw up any of the food I ate before my nap because I know from yesterday how much it hurts to purge the pointy little pretzels and crackers. (I'm kind of a wimp, I'm aware.)

I blew my hair out, soft and straight and clean before leaving for my counseling appointment. I made the appointment two weeks ago, and I was really looking forward to it. But the t wasn't running because of a terrorism scare (it was just an abandoned bag in the station), so I eventually took a $15 cab and cried silently while we sat in endless traffic. I ended up at the counseling center's office an hour and forty minutes after I'd left my house, and seventy minutes after my appointment time. The office was closed, but I tried the door anyway. I cried again when the knob didn't turn.

Next to the counseling center is a pizza restaurant. I had a thick crusted slice with pepperoni and a huge plate of french fries, both of which I consumed in a whirl of emotion and numb desire. I ate about two thirds of the pizza and half the fries and threw the rest out. Then of what I ate, I threw up about two-thirds in my college's library bathroom. It's finals week and the library is full of people, so I was lucky to have the bathroom to myself for five minutes. I wish I had more time to get all that fatty food out of me.

I honestly don't know why I do this to myself. If I just controlled myself and ate healthily I'd be thin in no time. But instead I stuff myself night and day with fattening foods and when I feel guilty enough about it I purge. It used to be that I had trouble making myself throw up, now it's that I can't not throw up after the idea has entered my brain.

Christmas is coming, and New Year's Eve. I'll be fat in all the pictures once again, and of course I'll have no will power when it comes to the comfortingly warm holiday foods. I hate this cold weather, it makes it so difficult not to stay in bed all day long. I want to be thin, but I don't deserve it, not at this pace anyway.

the day before exams

I woke up and ate a clementine and drank a strong cup of tea. I don't know how I actually managed to wake up, though. Last night I got so drunk and stoned (but somehow not crossfaded thank goodness) that this morning the wall and the cieling looked like they were playing a spinning game. My roommie and I took the t to school and sat through one last class on US Gov & Politics. My stomach rumbled through my exam review, so I decided to buy a breakfast sandwich and some chocolate milk for a little brunch. I inhaled the meal, and then spent 20 minutes in a dorm room bathroom puking, internally lecturing myself about eating like this.

I came home and smoked with the same kids I did that with only a few hours before. There's this guy who hangs around sometimes sells to us. He and I hung out quite a lot, and he told me I had beautiful eyes. I've never liked him before, but I swear there was tension between us. Maybe some other time? 

The guy I mentioned and some of my roommates made pancakes and eggs for breakfast. My throat hurt too much from purging earlier, so I didn't have any. But I did have too many pretzels and chocolate chips and starburst candies. I threw up most of that stuff in the shower, but I'm always afraid I haven't gotten it all out my system. I just looked at pictures from last night's party and I look so freaking huge. I wore a black dress to hide my body but be dressed for a party. Too bad I also wore a pink belt around my waist that just shows off how big I am. You know those fat girls who wear belted dresses to give themselves a waist and end up looking even fatter? I looked like that. I am that. I am so freaking ugly and fat it hurts.

It hurts to throw up, it hurts afterwards and makes my cheeks and throat puffy. It hurts my stomach to look at pictures of thin girls. I get a physical sensation of self hatred eroding my insides. I hate being me, and I hate that I've wasted so much time and energy on this hatred and still nothing is different. 

my stupid love life

I don't want to talk about my weight. Mostly because I'm embarrassed about how bad I've been this weekend. I just ate and ate, and I didn't purge any of it. I'm failing at losing weight, and at being healthier, and at having an eating disorder. I can't do any of it consistently or well.

Well, I don't want to talk about any of that. I want to talk about this guy. He's a really nice kid, we met in science class where we did this project together and sit next to each other and whisper back and forth. One day about a month or so ago he told me that he liked me, and then he asked me out to eat. I said yes, but never let him pay, and I never let him kiss me. We've been hanging out and talking a lot, and now I really like him as a friend. But I'll never like him as anything more than that, which really sucks. He's so nice, and funny, smart, patient, kind, and interesting. I could talk to him for years and never be bored. And I feel like I can trust him! He's kind of the best. But I'm just not into him that way at all. It's the worst.

So I finally told him that yesterday. And I left the conversation feeling like shit. Then he texted me and said it was okay, that we could be friends. So I was really happy all day, thinking of how awesome it was that he was such a nice person and that I'd finally cleared up that issue and now we could be best friends or something. But then he texted me that he thought it seemed like I was into him, and that he really did like me. So I was forced to say again, over text this time, that I don't like him that way, and that I was sorry for leading him on.

See, here's why I really feel bad- I knew he liked me, and I knew I was flirting. I was doing it to keep his attention, because it felt good to be liked and I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I know how awful I sound, and also how predictably selfish. I should be the better person. And I should be able to just let this go, but I can't. The guilt is eating me, and I told the guy how guilty I felt despite the fact that he's the last person I should tell that to.

I also told this guy I met over the summer and slept with. He's kinda funny, and our relationship is super weird. He's 18 years older than me, and he always tells me that we're going to date someday. Part of me kind of believes him, we could end up in love. But that's besides the point of my bringing hum up. I told him about the guy and then he told me that I should just give him a blow job. That he's the type of guy who never gets any and that I'm good at it, so I should. On the one hand, it would be a really nice thing of me to do, but on the other, I don't see how I could still be friends with the kid if I did that. And the second part of me is a lot more rational (and a lot less fun.)

Most of me knows that I should just let it go, that this situation will figure itself out and that I'm thinking into it too much. But a little (and very vocal) part of me knows that I did lead him on, and that I should feel bad, and that I should make it right, even if I don't have to. But is going down on him the right way to make things better? I don't know. I need a wise man's brain and hero's heart.

A little out of control

On the days I'm not restricting or purging, or looking at endless pictures of thin women, I feel like I can't call myself sick. For a long time I couldn't decide if it was fair to say I have some type of eating disorder or if I was just being dramatic. Now I'm pretty sure I do, but I still feel like a liar and a failure when I eat normally for a day.

Sunday was a total disaster. I took the 5am train from Philadelphia to Boston, it took until noon to get home. When I got back to my apartment I smoked and watched Grey's Anatomy and held off until 3pm to eat anything. And of course, that started an avalanche of terrible food. I won't list it because I might cry, but it was close to 3,000 calories. My roomies are concerned about my throwing up, so I felt too scared to purge. My stomach hurt so bad that I just crawled under the covers and slept, just so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I went shopping with my friend at the mall and had a smoothie and then a cinnamon roll from panera (I hate that place because I love that place). It was awful, I felt so gross that I ate the roll really fast and then threw it up in the mercifully empty public restroom.

Then this morning one of my roomies told me about the time she suffered from an eating disorder. I already knew, another roomie had told me, but it was good to finally hear it from her. She told me she knew I'm throwing up and that I should talk to her if I ever need to (and all that jazz, you know that conversation. I think everyone's been on both ends of that type of conversation at least once.)

I do need help. I'm out of control on this eating and throwing up thing. I spend so much energy hating myself that it's hurting my social life and my school work. And I'm not losing any weight, I can't control myself around food. I feel like this issue is becoming my life. I need a change of pace, but I really need this semester to end well, I need a good GPA and I need to keep my relationships with everyone strong so I still have friends when I'm done with this stupid eating thing. So much fucking pressure.