real life is too hard

I wish I had someone to cry to right now. I have lots of friends that would gladly listen, but if I told anyone anything, I know I'd just feel like I was unloading on them. And I really don't want that kind of relationship with anyone.

My dad and I are fighting. I know partly it's because I'm spending too much money, and he feels like he's being walked over. And because I'm not as fun as I used to be. But mostly it's because I'm leaving on Saturday to go back to the city. I want to be with my friends and have my life. I want to work and do things productive with my life.

Basically it's a fight for my independence, but I don't have the resources to be independent yet. I can't work full time with while doing school, and without money I can't buy food or pay rent and bills or buy things for myself. So I'm relying on my dad, but all I want in the world is to be independent.

I spent over an hour calculating what it would cost to keep up my lifestyle. It's more than I can afford. I eat (read: binge/purge) far too much food, I spend too much on clothing and music, and it would cost me more than I currently have in my bank account just to pay for my own cell phone bill. I would need to cut down on a lot of things, and I'm not sure I'm enough of an angel that I could do it without complaining and messing up all the time. I'd end up in credit card debt pretty quickly, I'm sure.

I need to be dependent a little while longer, I'm not ready to be on my own yet. But I'm too selfish and impatient to be a good daughter to my dad right now.

Part of me wants to blame this on my inability to manage even my own eating (I've thrown up 5 times in the 3 days I've been here) and my emotions about that. Writing this all down I'm having a little miniature panic attack. I'm just trying to remember that I can take it all one day at a time.

I can fix this, I can be a successful person. I can be independent, strong, kind, beautiful, and achieve everything I want. I just need to focus work hard enough to get there.